My Dearest Jane

Wendy, my Jane loved me, I AAAM blessed. So much to try and understand.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Wisewoman)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Jane sounds like such a special, unique person. I am glad you had her in your life. I am so sorry for your loss but she will live on inside your heart and will love and guide you. You are in my thoughts,

Love,
Fuzzy

Hey Fuzzy!, Thanks for the timely post. It is thanksgiving here and holidays usually stink for me anyway but I have been in bed looking at my email I sent to Jane after I learned she died. Had hoped the account was still open but it wasn't. I have sadness and at the same time a deep appreciation for the time we shared and her gifts. Many gifts. thanks fuzzy Bear.

((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))

I hope Thanksgiving was not too lonely for you and that you enjoyed yourself with your family.

Sweet Silver, Hoildays are really hard for me. Thanksgiving was not anymore difficult then it ordinarily is. I feel the loss of Jane daily. The hoilday loss is about abuse and neglect and I will deal with it in my own time I suppose.

Today i went online at work with my work laptop and saw Jane's email addy right there. I wrote her an email and joked about one getting email in the hearafter. I have not gotten it back yet. I would love to think she reads me, sees me, hears me. It seems her death has triggered a lot of old crap, trauma. She was a safety for me. This is not conscious, very unconscious. Dreams and fear and feeling like an orphan. I really don't understand because I am much too old for a parent. However, today a client offered to give me bee stings for my back pain. Now, don't think so but how very dear of her. Depressiopn worse lately? I don't know. Dreams are indicative of the ptsd though. I want to snuggle in bed with Jane in our flannel nighties on this cold night and just feel her love.

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I really don't understand because I am much too old for a parent.

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Everyone has a need for love, irrespective of their age.As you have said before, Jane provided unconditional love, and with that, she was a rock in your life, somebody you knew would always be there to talk to and to help you. Now she has gone, it's no wonder you feel lost. YMaybe you'll need some time to adjust... and to learn to become truly independent, and to live without Jane but to carry her in your heart and in your life.

I had a horrible thing happen yesterday. I think i mentioned on here that I had emailed jane in a Magical thinking way hoping her account wasn't closed and that I could believe she got it. The first original email came back, Yesterday however I was on my work lap top and saw her address there and wrote her a quick note with a little humor asking if people receive email in the afterlife, telling her I loved her and missed her. I sent it fully expecting it to come back. The weird thing is, the awful thing, I got a curt angry email from her spouse saying he should thank me for NEVER doing that again. Now, I had no idea that the address was a shared one. It was in my book as Jane. I wrote back and explained and apologized but was as devastated as one can be. I cried half of the night and dreamt horribly the rest. Hubby fired out an angry note to him that was hurtful. I am sorry for that. I will grow up and act with love and not carry this any further. I just got a knife though my heart and will take care of the old guy and be the loving person Jane would want me to be for her family.

Oh Jane, I am missing you. How can you be gone? Will you still hold your vision of me where ever you are now? Doggie kisses and flannel sheets to you. All of my love.

You all know life is weird. My basket is full of legal issues and a very ill daughter with ocd and a job that demands that I be the best loving soul I can. And today I get a package from my Jane's spouse with writings, (copies for all friends) and a scarf that smells of Jane. I am overfilled with emotion. Dying and suicidal clients today and seeing those with love in their hearts who can love my clients through these transitions. Wanting to make sure that these people feel loved the way Jane taught me during their final days. I am an emotional spilling over. And I get to see one more time that my Jane really is dead and not understand how that could be. I work with people whose death is a job and a journey and she died, Period. My jane's smell is with me now.

(((((((((((((((( wisewoman )))))))))))))))))))

you hurt so deeply because you love so much. God bless your precious heart. you're a beautiful gift to this world.

love,

kd

My Jane gave me the gifts i have now. She is here.

I was at a CBT session with my 17 year old with ocd. She was speaking about wanting to feel like she was different, excelling or special in some way. I told her that the biggest gift Jane gave me was telling me;" I hate to tell you my dear but you are wonderfully normal. Jane taught me that my feelings were okay and I wish that for my daughter. And then I miss Jane because she can't be here to say these things to my kids. But she has gifted me and I am so greatful for that. Yet how is it that she is gone?

Wisewoman...what wonderful gifts your Jane gave you. What a special gift she was in your life. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I wish there was something...anything...that could be done to ease your pain.

Please take care.

Kim

thinking about you tonight jane, about your endless acceptance and love and your ability to tell people when they were full of manure. Missing you. Who will guide me now? Will you be at the river in the spring? Did you know my love? Can't accept you are gone.

One year since her death on the 16th of this month and I can't wrap my head around it. Life changes, ends, begins, flows through us and starts again.

((wisewoman))
Sorry for your loss.
I know the memories hurt @ times.
I hope they also bring joy of the good times.

((((((Wisewoman))))))
There's nothing I can say except my condolences.

Jane was very lucky to have a friend like you.

Petunia

(((((((((wisewoman)))))))))) I know anniversaries are really hard.

thanks for your thoughts guys, it helps a lot. It reminds me she is gone right now and sometimes that has been easy to deny. I still think we should be able to speak with eachother you know? Wish I knew how. anywho, thanks a bunch.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((WW))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you and Jane.

Hang in there...these anniversaries can be tough.

I am reminded that the world turns fast and things change in a heart beat and nothing ever stays the same. The river changes with each new rain, the body changes with each molecule. Change is inevitable and thus so is loss.

((((((((((((((((((Wisewoman)))))))))))))) I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard. For me, it seems like they have been gone forever and just died yesterday all at the same time. I wish you much peace.