[SeptemberMorn]

passed away last night. We've all been waiting for this for about two years. It's finally happened. I haven't seen the man for about 7-8 yrs and there's no love lost... or so I thought.

Hubby never told him that we are back together, so I haven't been in on the visits. Now I find it difficult not having been able to say good-bye to the old fart. I'm also finding myself shut out of my husband's grieving.

My daughter and fam are in town but it sounded like they had no intention of going to see her granddad but now that he's died, they're asking when the memorial service is?? Does Dad give a rats *** if they go to his memorial service when he sure could have used an acknowledgement from them when he was laying in that bed wishing he was dead for over TWO YEARS?? Hell NO! Gotta keep my mouth shut, though, so as not to complicate my husband's feelings. It's not something he would think about.

My FIL's first grandson hasn't ever been to see him in the years that he's been coming to Calif to visit the rest of the family. Why did hubby bust his butt to call him and let him know his granddad had died??

I've tried looking at this in a selfish way; maybe to ease my own feelings or to detach from the pain hubby ISN'T showing... yet. I've tried to feel glad that at least hubby won't be making a four hour trip three times a week, EVERY week like he's been doing for a year. I'll have him home ALL WEEK LONG and maybe some things will get done around here. It's not working! I'm still resentful that he went down to see his sister today and that there will be yet ONE MORE TIME that he'll be going down there. What's wrong with me??

OH! Yesterday my dear "old man" dropped his cell in his coffee cup full of coffee. Like my oldest son said, it was inevitable! LOL So... hubby called his sister and gave her the house phone number before Dad died. The call came around midnight last night... on the house phone. I answered it. It was my "BIL". Guess the "baby girl" was too good to talk to me. This happened three times last night. Each time it was Don and he wasn't even polite, "Jerry, please." Like we haven't known each other for 30 yrs!?!? Don would place the call and when hubby got on the phone, Don would pass the phone to Jean. SHEEEESH!!! (Actually, that's not what I'm thinking! )

How do I keep my mouth shut until this is over?? I've been saying how glad I am that I've got this behind me; that I've buried my mom. (She's the only one that mattered.) Guess what? It's NOT behind me! I'm going through it again. GOD, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!!

One minor detail; my PTSD comes from having nursed my mom through her illness and staying with her till she drew her last breath. In a way, this is a reminder and in another way, it's a whole new experience. I flipped out the day of my mother's funeral and I stayed that way for years.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING!! Yesterday, they KNEW it was a matter of hours before my FIL died and NO ONE was with him when he died! They just waited for it to happen safe in their beds!! That's totally beyond my ken!! The old man died COMPLETELY ALONE! The nurse checked on him at 11 pm and he was there. She came back AN HOUR LATER and he was dead! That's so unforgivable!!

[ktp]

((((((((((((((((((((((TOMI))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I agree. It's unforgiveable that someone should have to die alone. My heart cries for you. Ofcourse, I know how you feel. Sometimes we don't understand until we lose someone just how much they meant to us. I think it's horrid how your husband's family treats you. They should have more respect for you and your relationship than that. But some people are just like that......which really pisses me off! LOL.

I know what you're going through and it's very difficult and you feel helpless and hopeless and it's hard when you feel that your spouse has completely cut himself off emotionally to you. Maybe with this all "over" things will get better for you in that respect.

My thoughts are with you and you and your family have my deepest sympathies.

Take Care of yourself.
Much love,
Kimberly.

[gloria]

My heart goes out to you.
Just remember tha people deal with pain differently, maybe the fact that they weren't there when he passed on is just a reflection of how they were dealing with their pain. Maybe they didn't feel strong enough to give him comfort.
You being with your mom is commendable, but ook at what it did to you.
So, just think that they did the best they could, maybe not what you would have done, but still, the best they could.

[SweetSunshine]

((((((((((TOMI)))))))))))) Thinking of you and your family.I'm so sorry you got all this going on . Hope you will be able to find some peace soon. Take care~

Hugz
Tryin

[misty]

(((((((hugs)))))))) I am so sorry for yours and your families loss!
Larks

[Nerak]

(((((((((Tomi)))))))) my thoughts are with you and your family

[Mahali]

SeptemberMorn, Grief seems to always be so complicated. It is just wrong the way his family treats you. My thoughts are with you. Take care of you.

[heatherm]

(((((((((Tomi))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss. Please let Jerry know how sorry I am too.

Take care.

[SeptemberMorn]

Aw, Hun. I consider the source. They've always been like that, even to each other. My SIL and the other women in the family decided they didn't like one of the other women that was in a similar position as I and they used to talk about her even when she was in the same house. I caught them once doing that in my house and I broke it up. I really liked Rickie and saw no reason for it. The law was laid down to them while in my house!

They put up with me until Jerry and I split up. They've never accepted me when he came back. Oh, well. It's Jerry I love, not them. LOL What I feel for my FIL is because he was a part of Jerry and if I love Jerry, I love the old geezer, right?

Besides, they're SCOTS! What else would you expect? Stiff upper lip and all that rot!

[SeptemberMorn]

Gloria, they are a cold people. I know they deal with things very differently than I do. Still, though, it's confusing and hurtful to me. I'll be okay, though. Even though it brings up my PTSD, it's a far sight better than if it was MY father! Whew! He made his exit 50 yrs ago!

[SeptemberMorn]

What would life be without all the valleys, eh? Pretty boring. Makes us appreciate the mountains. Yeah, I'll be glad to see how things work out when things settle down. I'm thinking positive.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, Lrks. It's not so much a loss for me but the fallout that bothering me. Your thoughts are appreciated.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, Karen. I really appreciate it.

[SeptemberMorn]

Place, at least they are in another town and I don't have to rub elbows with them.

Thanks for your thoughts, though. Makes me feel good that someone thinks I'm being treated unfairly.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}} Thanks. I'll tell Jerry. He still asks about you.

tomi........so sorry to read about all this.........my thoughts are with you and your husband.......

[wisewoman]

Hey Sept, I am sorry for all of this upset and turmoil. I too feel that unless we choose to we should not have to die alone no matter who we are or what we have done. I also wanted to tell you that I have some different ideas about the dying experience and the gift of helping people in the final stages of their lives. If you ever want to talk about it let me know. Hoping as things settle you will feel better. By the way, tell your BIL and SIL to GROW up!

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Butterfly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks! I really appreciate it.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, Hun, but I hope to NOT have to deal with death so closely for a while. That's the last of the parents.

As for the inlaws growing up, I don't think that's what it is. It's all coming back to me know. Now I remember I never did like them! About 20 yrs ago, I had the offending party over for Thanksgiving dinner. The BIL has ALWAYS been an %#@&#!. That particular Thanksgiving, I caught him undressing my teenage daughter with his eyes and his body language. Luckily, he was enconsed in the den, spread out all over the couch, watching the ball game. I asked my daughter to stay out of there until they left. As for my SIL, even hubby says she's a first class *****. Of course, he's layed off her since their dad's been sick just because he's a kind soul.

He and I had a talk when he got back from making the arrangements last night and he told me "baby girl" didn't want me at the memorial service. I had no plans of going. Think I said it before. She told hubby she had her reasons, but wouldn't tell him what they were. I really don't give a rat's *** what she wants or doesn't want. What she thinks or doesn't think. It's the fact that hubby didn't stand up for me that has me teary now. There was only once that he told his family that if they didn't like his choice in a wife, they could keep their distance. If they accepted me as their DIL, then they had to accept my kids as their grandkids. M&FIL did. Seems "Auntie Jean" never did. She makes a clear distinction between our youngest, which is "ours" and our oldest, which is "mine." Wish I was as big a person as David. He doesn't care what she thinks. He's going to the memorial service only to support hubby. To him, anyone else is extrenious. Wish I could do that. I can't... and I won't.

Now I have to remind myself that hubby avoids confrontation at all costs and it's not that he doesn't love me. It's really tough because what I crave most of all in this life is validation. Maybe someday...

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm seriously considering writing her a letter and letting her know exactly what I think! You know... one of those scathing things I'm so good at writing? gggrrrrrrrrr Selfish, spoiled *****!!

[adieuolivaw]

SEPTEMBER MORN: Yes, we are a cold people. My mother's side were all Scots, from the country squire and city merchant perspective, and I know what you mean. My father's side were English and Welsh. They were also not demonstrative, but in a different way. My paternal grandfather wore spats and a beautiful Edwardian hat, which probably didn't signal effusive or warm relationships in the family, either.

There was nothing my Scottish grandparents wouldn't have done for me, and I loved them dearly. They lived by a code of honor that was impeccable. And they taught me the type of thrift that makes a penny scream. There was very much the stiff upper lip thing in the family, however. One was expected to carry on. It was the rule that the public was never to see private emotions. I openly cried at my uncle's funeral. My mother was very sternly disapproving of that, although he was her brother.

At university I learned of many other ways of being in the world. Result? I understand and appreciate diverse ways of dealing with family matters. I don't judge the ways of others, simply because I wouldn't do it that way myself. I do feel as you do, however. I would stop whatever caused discord in a household.

I too was shut out by my husband when his mother died. It hurt. On the other hand, I wouldn't know what to do with a hug from a friend, because hugs have never been part of my life.

As an aside, we Scots have our preferences also. For instance, the last thing I want in my life is the interaction that is, or so I hear, regarded as ordinary to the average Italian: yelling, verbal abuse, storming out of the house, slamming doors, etc., then in the same day effusively kissing and making up. All I can say is that I don't want such stormy behavior in my life. Can you imagine what an Italian would say about Scots? Worse than you would say about us, perhaps! LOL

I have been shoulded on by many persons over this issue. What I now say is that we are who we are. We cannot suit everyone. To another Scot, we are just right. I love to tell Scottish jokes, because of the grain of truth behind them --- such as the one about the dying woman whose hubby asked her, if she felt herself slipping, to put out the candle first. I don't feel I have to deny or apologize for or justify truth. Instead, I celebrate the difference.

Adieu

[SeptemberMorn]

Well, what would you say if I told you I'm half Hispanic and half English/Scottish? I've got that disparity rumbling around inside of me! I keep a stiff upper lip when I need to, like in emergencies and I can keep my tears and passion hidden when needed. But I sure wouldn't trade my passion for ANYTHING! That's why the Italians are loud and boisterous. Being verbally abusive is a whole 'nuther story, though! In my estimation, it doesn't go hand in hand with being loud or expressing what one is feeling at the moment.

The thought crossed my mind that there was sure to be other Scots on the board, but I dismissed the thought of stepping on toes because it's understood that I was on a rant. In the 30 years that I've been with my husband, I've learned much about the "coldness," especially in his family. My FIL was especially verbally abusive to my husband when he was growing up. He was also abusive to his wife. My MIL was the only one that showed her feelings although in a very small way. She had beautiful stories to tell when she wanted to make a point or let someone else know what she was feeling. She passed away just a few short months before my own mother did and I still miss her almost as much as I miss my own mother. So you see? I wasn't necessarily passing judgment on anyone. I was just expressing my "passion" for the situation.

And as for writing my husband's sister a letter? Nah! She's not worth it! It would be giving her too much importance. The likelyhood is that we'll never cross paths ever again. My FIL disliked me, she dislikes me, but... my husband loves me! THAT is what matters!