Miscarriage

Hi all,

I am new to this forum. I hope that I will find others who can sympathize with my predicament. Right now, I feel so alone.

In July of 2002, I suffered a miscarriage. I had broken up with my boyfriend the around Memorial Day weekend after we had been dating for six months. At the time, he was coping with a drinking problem and had been serving probation for two misdemeanor violations. I learned about the pregnancy around the Fourth of July and miscarried approximately three weeks later.

When the miscarriage occurred, I was starting to date my current husband. We were not physically intimate because I believe in postponing intercourse until a relationship has developed. My husband and ex-boyfriend were unaware that I was pregnant that summer. I was contemplating how to handle the situation when I suffered the miscarriage.

Until December of last year, I had buried this trauma. I had no intention of disclosing it to anyone. From my research, a miscarriage is a fairly common occurrence in the first trimester of a pregnancy. My husband dislikes my ex-boyfriend so I did not think that it would be appropriate for me to complicate our relationship by discussing this tragedy.

Unfortunately, I was compelled to reveal this secret under duress two months ago. My mother-in-law had been contacting us, practically, daily to update us to his niece's pregnancy status. My niece-in-law was in the final month of her pregnancy and was supposed to give birth around the holidays. My MIL was excited because this was the first child for my NIL and the first great-grand child to be born in the family.

What was supposed to be a joyous occasion became a living hell for me. I had to endure my MIL's constant complaints to my husband over the fact that I will never have a biological child with him. My husband had a vasectomy performed two years ago after I had been diagnosed with several medical conditions that would complicate a pregnancy. My MIL accused me of being anti-child during the course of several phone calls to my husband. In response, I informed my husband that I did not want to be notified of my NIL's status until she had delivered her baby, which happened on New Year's Eve.

During this time, I learned from a mutual friend that the ex had been elected again to public office. He had served in the state legislature several years ago. We started dating a year after he was defeated for re-election. The mutual friend mentioned that the ex had inquired how I was doing now.

Interpreting this overture as a good will gesture, I contacted the ex to congratulate him on his electoral victory. Then, we proceeded to correspond via e-mail. I informed him of the pregnancy and miscarriage. He requested that we meet in person to discuss these events.

I informed my husband that I would like to meet with the ex regarding a painful subject. Then, I proceeded to elaborate upon the reason for my tete-a-tete. My husband was supportive. He stated that I could meet the ex by myself or he could be present. Unfortunately, my husband works second shift and the only time the ex had available was during his lunch hour. I arranged to meet the ex in a public setting.

In retrospect, the meeting was a bit traumatizing for me. The ex accused me of dating my husband while I was involved with him. I was friendly with my husband because we had attended college together but I was not romantically involved with him. In addition, the ex claimed that he could not be certain of the paternity of the unborn child. I was highly offended by this offensive comment because I had lost my virginity to the ex and had been faithful to him.

A month later, at the end of January, I was contacted again by the ex. He called me around 11 p.m. The call went into my voicemail because I had turned off my cell phone. For starters, he apologized for his behavior during our meeting. He alleged that he had been overwhelmed by my disclosure. Then, he proceeded to inform me that he "loves me very much" and wishes that the situation had turned out differently.

As you can imagine, his declaration of love sent me into a tailspin. I yearned for him to convey this sentiment to me several years ago. His immaturity was the reason why I severed the relationship.

However, I am married and have not forgotten this fact. My husband and I have been married for three and a half years. During the course of our brief marriage, we have coped with many crises. I have been injured as a passenger in two MVAs in which my husband has been the driver. In addition, my husband battles depression and ADD. He has threatened to commit suicide on more than once occasion.

Unfortunately, I did not delete the cell phone message from my ex. My husband, inadvertently, borrowed my phone last week because our cell phones are identical. He did hear the message from my ex and notified me that he wanted to discuss it when he returned home.

That evening, I notified the ex that I had received his VM message. In addition, I informed him that my husband had also been privy to it. The ex claimed that he thought the "I love you very much" would have been interpreted in a platonic sense. My husband and I beg to differ with him.

As a result, I have changed my cell phone number. In addition, I have also added my ex to my block sender list for my e-mail. I do have a profile listed on a social networking site but he had not contacted me through the mutual friend.

I am absolutely reeling. The ex has left me flabbergasted. Meanwhile, my husband thinks that I should have recovered from the pregnancy and miscarriage because it transpired several years ago. There is no timeline on healing.

Right now, I am trying to find a therapist who will accept my insurance. My husband would also like to pursue joint counseling. I cannot cope with joint sessions until I meet, individually, with a therapist. On a daily basis, I find myself succumbing to tears over the miscarriage and my ex's antics.

Sorry if my situation sounds to some like a soap opera. I know that I am not the only person who has ever suffered a miscarriage. Please reassure me that I am not losing my mind. Thanks.

CPK

You're not losing your mind. I suffered a miscarriage in 2003, and it still hurts me to this day to think about it. I, too, believe that there is no timeline on healing. I hope you are able to find a therapist you can share these things with. It would help greatly.

Cpk,
YOu said it yourself. Grief has no timeline, but this is complicated by all of the different things going on in your life. I lost a baby in 1992. It still shakes me, and it still makes me sad. but most days it isn't something I think about.
Maybe the whole business of not really working it out at the time made it far worse. It seems like everytime we repress stuff, it comes back stronger than ever at some point later. I can see how the pregnancy in the family would be very activating too-- I know after the miscarriage, I did not want to be near babies, or their parents; it just hurt too much to think about.

So just sending you very warm thoughts. It was a terrible time for you and you are just now trying to process it all.

Kittykins9

I'm sorry for your loss. My experience is you won't ever forget, I don't think women are "wired" to forget. I believe the gift of the unactualized child gives you a unique perspective of life that few others have a clue about.

I'm equally sorry for the considerable drama that surrounds this significant event in your life. A therapist could be very helpful in many ways. Why don't you look into that?

notz

I don't think you ever "get over" a miscarriage. It's so beyond your control. I think you learn to live with it, think of it less perhaps. But on a perfectly sunny day, for no reason other than the wind is blowing it'll hit you. I think how hard it hits you varies on the factors involved, but I've never met a woman yet that has suffered this loss and has fully recovered.

I remember the day, time, and year. I remember the people that took care of me, both those that were kind and those that just didn't care. There's not much I don't remember about that day.

You're not alone, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sure the fact that you had to deal with this entirely on your own without a support system at the time has left that wound very raw. I am so sorry for your loss.

(((Cabbage))), I understand how a past miscarriage can affect you so much now in the present. i have never had children of my own, would like to in the future, and I can imagine if the very first was a miscarriage it would touch me deeply inside. It would be something that would be with me all my life even though it is a natural thing to some point, and happens to many women.

On the other hand maybe u are at a crossroad right now and u really don't know which path to follow. It seems that u have a burden on your shoulders that is affecting you and you tend to bring out that sad feeling u had with the miscarriage. I mean, on one side your x-bf calling to say that he loves u, something u longed for so badly from him along time ago and didn't get. Now your mother in law is kind of putting some pressure on u pointing out that u can't have babies, kind of making u feel guilty. Your husband, leave alone his personal depression and suicidal feelings, has had a vasectomy furtherly closing the posibility of descendance.

Don not dwell too much on your past. And don't blame yourself for not being able to produce and fulfil your own expectations, not those of others that are pulling from many different ends... Come at peace with yourself, and your husband, and accept it as a part of life and part of your feminine nature. There are many ways to love and have descendants, but first find peace with yourself. Think also that your past pregnancy happened at a difficult time, when u separated from your bf, and started with your husband, so maybe it's logical that now what happened in that critical time comes out right now..

In deep concern, Rap