[hangingon]

I have been on this site for awhile but found myself avoiding this section because my mom's death really affected me and talking about it makes it harder but I really need to do this.

My mom passed away in the 27 of August this past year. She had cancer, we had only found out about the cancer a little over one month prior to her death. Everything was a shock. We were told that she could live 5-20 years with the type of cancer she had.

She had went for her first chemo treatment and took it fine, didn't even get sick. She was in the hospital for the 4 days while she was having the chemo treatment. The only issue she had was a low blood count, so they gave her a blood transfusion. She did really well with that as well. Then they sent her home.

After two days of being home she started bleeding under her skin. She woke up in the morning and all the areas that had pressed against the mattress as she slept were red and bloody under her skin, so back to the hospital she went. We found out her platelets were extremely low so her blood was not clotting and began leaking out.

She spent 5 more days in the hospital, getting all kinds of transfusions, both platelets and blood, also shots to help her body create more platelets. After that she was sent home again, this time she was only home for one day and started burning up with a fever, so back to the hospital because chemo destroys your blood cells, including the white blood cells which fight off infection.

She got so much worse the bleeding under her skin was now from her abdomen, across her whole back and down to her knees, it was horrible, she was in so much pain.

At that point, they were just giving her IV fluid and pain/fever meds. I went in to see her as I had been doing all along, only this time something was wrong. She was not herself, she was in a stuperous state, barely opened her eyes. Would only mumble or push us away.

I told the nurse that something serious was going on with my mom. She said no, she's fine it's just the fever. I said she's peeing herself, she has never done that before. She's acting really weird. Then I said she's breathing 40 breaths a minute, she said her vitals are fine. I said no they are not, 40 breaths a minute is way too much (the norm is 12-20). So the nurse finally gave my mom oxygen. I am a nursing student, I had been working at the hospital doing clinicals prior to that, so I know whats normal or not. I didn't tell the nurse that but I should have.

Anyways, I stayed with my mom till about 12 midnight and she was quiet, the rest of my family had went home a couple hours prior. I decided at 12 midnight to go home as well. My dad called at 5 am saying they transferred my mom to the ICU and that my mom had slipped into a coma at 3 am. I knew it, the nurse didn't listen to me, I knew things were really serious. They should have put her on a broad spectrum antibiotic immediately because she had no white blood cells to fight off infection.

When I went back to the hospital, my mom was in the ICU; tons of machines, IV's ect hooked to her. She didn't even look like my mom. Her whole body was swelled. Her face, the insides of her eye lids were swelled and popping out as well. Blood was coming out of her mouth and nose. I went to hold her hand and it was ice cold. It was then I realized this was way more serious than I had thought. I was at the hospital with her for about 18 hours when the doctor called my family to the family room. I knew what was coming, I had seen it in movies, but I had no idea that I would have to be doing this with my mom. Especially not so soon, she was only 55 years old.

We had to make the call. They stopped all meds. I sat with her and watched all the machine levels decrease. When I saw her flatline it was so unreal. I remember looking at the clock, it was 5:50 am. I went home after and was a mess. I was really shaky, couldn't eat, sick to my stomach. I thought those feelings would never fade, it was horrible.

The thing that gets to me most is that my mom didn't die of the cancer itself. She died of Septic shock, an infection in her blood. I can almost guarantee she picked that up while in the hospital. It happens alot in hospitals due to nurses not using alcohol on the IV lumens before injecting meds or connecting solutions. It allows pathogens into the blood stream.

I am so upset, I really believe the hospital didn't do what it was suppose to. When they put her in the ICU, the doctor told us that if she could hold on for 24 hours the antibiotics would kick in and she should be ok. UGh....they should have started them the day before when she went to the hospital with the fever in the first place. This wouldn't have happened.

Now my mom's birthday is coming up, just three days before mother's day and it's all starting to hit me again. I have been avoiding this for so long, just went straight back to school full force because I couldn't sit home, it would leave me too much time to think. I have not even been to her grave since her funeral. I know I would just loose it.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get this out.
No body knows how much this affects me. My friends said I was so strong, they could not believe I could go straight back to school and do so well. Yet, they have no idea what I was and am feeling inside.

[sunflower55]

Dear Hangingon....

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dear mother...

I lost my own mother last August. Although the circumstances were much different, we are never prepared for the loss of our mother. It's a terrible burden when the one who gives us life leaves us. The hole that is left seems unbearable. We are left behind to somehow get through.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Come here and talk it out as much as you need to. You are not alone.

Peace.

[thunderbear]

hangingon: I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is watching that happen to your mother and the anger you feel towards doctors and nurses when they neglect like that. Your anger will fade I promise.

[bearchic34]

All I have to say is I am so sorry that you and your family have been put through. May your mom sing with the angels and my Sweet Sarah
~gentle hugs~

[hangingon]

dbkrous,
Thank you, I'm am sorry you lost your mom as well. It can be very difficult especially if it happened so quickly and you didn't get to say what you wanted to.

Thunderbear,
Thanks, I can't say I a totally furious, but I saw so many things that I know know could have and should have been done differently. I realize now that I can't change those things but sometimes I feel like I should have tried harder, demanded to speak to the doctor something.

Bearchic34,
You had a huge loss too, I am sure that is quite difficult. My mom is probably right there with your Sarah; she was very content and secure in knowing that she was going to be with Christ, whom she really loved.

Thank you all again. I am thinking of going to my moms grave on her Birthday, I haven't even seen the stone yet, because it was not put there the day of the funeral. They had buried her before placing it.

[bebop]

I am very sorry for your loss hon. I too lost my mom in 93 to cancer. your mom was so young. I pray you can find peace.

[EnglishMajor]

hanginon,
I am truly sorry to hear about your mother. I am sure that she has found a peaceful place without pain or sickness. My mother died on January 15. It won't be easy for you, but you have us to catch your back.

Susan

{{{{ Hangingon }}}}

My heart goes out to you. It's sooooo hard. My mom died in January and it's just starting to sink in. I really have no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I care.

[hangingon]

Bbop, english major, and orange blossom,
Thank you all for your kind words. I really think it's bothering me most because her birthay is just three days before mothers day and both coming up.

I'm sorry for all of your losses as well. Losing a parent is horrible. I keep wanting to pick up the phone and call her, or hear the phone ring and it be her on the other line. She use to call me every other day, or sometimes daily. I miss that, I miss chatting with her so much. I wish I could have told her goodbye. If I could just see her one more time I would be so happy. Then again, I would keep wishing for one more day.

It really s*cks doesn't it.....

[(JD)]

Oh (((hangingon))) you just can NOT continue to live in the "what if" grey areas of this situation. I'm so, so sorry your mom went this way, but it is over...she is physically gone.

I'm in the process of losing my mom. Yes, she is 89 but was quite healthy until 2 years ago. The doctor said she needed mitral valve surgery, but wanted to do a wait and see. Well, in December she needed heart valve, but the same doctor refused to do it because her mitral valve was too weak. She had gone downhill since... and she suffers terrible dementia on cortizone, which they keep "forgetting" there is a DC for her on. Then they say she can't make her own decisions, so I and one of my sisters have to make them for her.

There have been many crossroads where maybe if something else was done, some other decision were made.. we'd have a different result. ( Yes, my mom contracted C Diff while in the hospital. Hopefully because of that someone learned better, or was fired and has realized they don't belong in the medical field. But maybe not. It's done with.)

BUT we, I, cannot live like that. I have a strong faith in God and believe that regardless of what anyone did or didn't do, if it's God's will, it will or won't happen.

We all do the best we can do at the time. During such stress are we our best ever? Not even close. To second guess -anything- only gives us heartache. Your mom, and I know my mom, wouldn't want this. I have to believe that my best, the doctor's best, the nurse's best at the time is the best that could be.

I hope you will be able to move to remembering the love and joy you had with your mom, and to celebrate her life. I hope you will be able to help me remember to do that, once my mom is gone too.

[hangingon]

Sky,
I am sorry if I offended you in any way. That was not my intention in posting what I did. Those are thoughts that I have and I can't just snap them out of my head. It's a process and I am going to go through that process. Sure maybe I shouldn't be feeling guilty or second guessing but its there, and right now I can't change that reality.
I hope in the future that changes. I'm sure it will. I am also sure that most people would have wanted just one more day. Especially when the loss was so unexpected.

[(JD)]

I'm not offended at all. No offense was made.

I know where you are, and just trying to nudge you along. We all mourn in our own ways, but sometimes we do become stuck... that is when a loving nudge to move on can help. I'm sure those that love you, and your mom, would not want you to be stuck... but you'll move along at your own pace, anyway.