Worried about my niece

My niece will be 16 next month and will be going off to college in a couple years. To this day she has never smoked a cigarette, smoked pot, had even the smallest sip of alcohol, done anything other than kissed a boy etc...

When I was 16 I had done all of this. Not that I'm proud of it but when I went to college, all my "goody" friends went nuts and I was the one studying because I had already had experience in all that stuff.

I have tried talking to her that it's okay to have a sip of wine if you want and it's okay to try some things as long as you don't take it too far and understand the risks etc... but she goes on and on about how she wont do it. I'm so worried that when she goes off to college she will either a) feel extremely awkward, out of the loop, or just hate it or b) will go overboard with experimentation and just take it too far from being away from family finally.

Her dad, my brother-in-law, is a cop and very overprotective and I feel like it is really messing with her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her getting wasted or stoned all day, but I feel like it's healthy to at least understand what you're getting yourself into before you submerge yourself in a community which revolves (largely) around these things, especially as freshmen. How can I get her to loosen up so she doesn't go into college a nervous wreck and possibly take things too far?

Maybe you should trust her moral values & not try to change them. You know some people are strong enough to handle themselves & keep their moral values even when they are surrounded by those who don't. If the values she has are truly hers, then I doubt that you have much to worry about.

I know I went to college years & years ago & it was completely different with the moral values then, but some people just value those morals more than any peer pressure can effect.

I don't think that someone should be pushed to loose those values or even loosen them up when they really believe how they are living is right.

Maybe by having a cop for a dad, she knows all the bad things that can come from straying from those values & has no reason to lower her standards.

Chill a little....just because everyone else does something doesn't mean that everyone has to & some people hold onto that belief.

It sounds to me like you are the one that's a nervous wreck about her. I am sure she will be just fine & find her college experience to be focused on what college is supposed to be about an education that gets you into a good career that you are satisfied with at graduation.

Hoping that you don't have as much to worry about with your niece as you are anticipating.

JMO

I don't really lump any of those things in with moral values. Just because I smoke and drink doesn't mean I'm an immoral person. I know a lot of people who have never done anything and they seem to be more socially awkward and don't know how to relate to people because they haven't tried any of that stuff. I really don't think that if she decided to do that stuff that she would suddenly not have moral values. I don't lie, cheat or steal or do things to people that would be considered "bad". I'm actually a little offended by your implication. JMO.

Your niece sounds like me lol -when I was her age I was the same way. I didn't go away to college and lived at home until I got married. I did have the occasional drink when I was 18 -25 but TBH I just didn't enjoy drinking plus several of my family members had alcohol problems - one brother was an alcoholic. Most of them also smoked and I grew up hating the smell. I know I'm boring lol. So I decided I didn't want to drink alcohol.

Regarding your niece - if she has a leader type of personality, she'll be fine and won't be influenced by others doing those vices. If she's impressionable and been unwillingly sheltered too much, then she may experiment. If she hasn't done any of these things so far, I suspect she's made the choice not to get involved in those things. For me it wasn't a moral thing as much as a health thing and I wanted to go the opposite of my family members. I feared becoming an alcoholic too. Have you asked her how she feels about the things you're worried about?

lynn - thanks and I was kinda the same way. My dad smoked pot, cigarettes, is an alcoholic and, I learned at around 16, has done (and still does) coke. My grandfathers were also both alcoholics so I have always made it a point to not drink if I ever get that "I need a beer" feeling. It also took me a long time to realize that not all people who smoke pot are my father (i.e. I always had problems with boyfriends because they would smoke and I would hate it). Now I'm kind of realizing that I have to separate vices like that from the individual which has been really hard and I don't want her to have to do that either.

I feel a little awkward straight up asking her because I know I'm the aunt and not the friend. I have talked to my sister and she said she would like to offer her a glass of wine or something to have her experience it at home with family but she knows if she ever did my brother-in-law would go nuts.

As for the leader position, she is a confident girl and is active in school things but when it comes to the group of friends, I'm not sure she is the leader. Just from stories, pictures etc... I can tell who the leader of her clique is. So who knows which way it would sway in that situation.

I never felt like drinking, using pot, etc. When I arrived at college I made friends that weren't really into that either. There were some very oversheltered kids that had never been allowed to make their own decisions regarding anything in their lives, and they were the ones puking their way down the hall after parties. I did some drinking but only after I turned 21.

I would have given someone a piece of my mind if they called me a "Goody" about that. It's not like I ever told anyone they shouldn't experiment.

I know this is not my place to tell you what to do, but you did ask for advice. Your post has stayed with me for a number of days and so that is why I am replying. I think it is irresponsible of you to be telling your niece to do things that 1) are illegal (assuming you/she are in the US), and 2) are against the desires of her parents. I think you are setting up a very bad dynamic between her and her parents. She is not living with you and you are not her legal guardian. If she gets in trouble for drinking or doing drugs you do not have to deal with the fallout. Her father,being a cop, would not have to only deal with the legal fallout for his daughter, but also any influence it has on his career.

Also, as long as your niece has a good support system and understands the dangers of drinking, etc. And is provided a realistic view of how to take care of herself she should not get into trouble when she goes to college. There are a large number of students who go to college without drinking and/or doing drugs who then subsequently do not get into trouble with them in college. If you worry about your niece getting into trouble when she is in college, I think a better way to help her would be to talk to her about the pressures she will face and help her find ways to stand up to the pressures to binge drink, make bad decisions about drinking and drugs. This would be better for her in the long run than suggesting to her to do them now. Also, in the US if you have a drug arrest you are excluded from all federal financial aid. This means that a lot more money would be coming from out of pocket to pay for college and/or from other lenders. So these decisions now that you are pressing on your niece have long term consequences if she were to get into trouble.

I agree with googley. It is not your place to encourage her to drink or do other drugs. This is completely her parents' venue.

I never drank or did drugs, went to college and didn't do them there either. Trust her moral value system to guide her.

I'm sorry but that sounds a little uptight and not plausible or realistic. My sister has told me that she wishes the same thing but knows she wont accept it from her mom. So I'm NOT going against the wishes of her parents.

Doing illegal things? She's going to get arrested for having a sip of wine with a family member? And how you do know I don't have to deal with the fall out? She is my niece and there is no way that I wouldn't experience any of the things that come along with it, nor would I want to be left out of it.

I have been to jail, did my time and paid my debt to the community. I have drank, smoked, smoked pot, snuck out of the house, ran away etc...... and guess what....I graduated with honors with a BS in Zoology and a minor in Chemistry while working two jobs. I am in grad school with a 4.0. How did this whole drinking/drugs thing become a stereotype for people who are morally corrupt and just overall terrible people?

Y'know what....this was a mistake to post this on here apparently. I was looking for some open minded comments but it doesn't look like I will get them. I don't need to be called an immoral person or to be made out like a bad person because of my life choices. Drugs do not equal morals.

What happened to doing typical teenage things and getting in trouble? I was under the assumption that was part of growing up - the fun part.

How about a reply from the flip side? My parents allowed us (my brother and I) to drink small amounts of wine and occasionally other things at home. My father thought it would do two things...make us both aware of how to handle alcohol when it was presented to us at places outside the home, and as he worked in the wine industry, we always had "good" wine...his idea was that we (I) would acquire a taste for "good" alcohol and therefore would not be a "cheap drunk" when dating. Well this backfired in a big way. My brother was an alcoholic by 22. I fared better, but was a very heavy drinker in late high school and did not even go to college. I am just now finishing my BS at 41. My parents also allowed us to try a few drugs at home. Neither of us had a problem with that, but I am on my 5th attempt at quitting smoking.

The bottom line is your niece doesn't want to do these things. While this may not be a moral issue for you (which is fine), apparently it may be for her. Encouraging her to do something she does not want to do has the potential to damage your relationship with her. Do you want that? Wouldn't it be better to let her grow and mature, and make her own decisions? If she goes off to college and does run into trouble...step in then.

As an aside...there are studies indicating that even very small amounts of alcohol have a damaging effect on the adolescent developing brain...which continues to develop well into the 20's. I don't have time to cite them as I am about to leave for classes...but a quick data base search will pull hundreds of articles.

Thanks for the non-bashing opinion.

She just went to homecoming and apparently didn't do anything. I'm trying to get her to understand that she CAN tell me if she does those things and I'm not going to 'rat her out'. I don't necessarily want her to or feel like it's something she has to do, but I feel like this is just typical teenage crap that just about everyone does and that if she is doing it, she's not talking about it to anyone. I just want her to know that she does have someone in the family who will listen to whatever feelings or questions she has about this stuff and not go overboard, because she knows her dad would if she ever mentioned any of it.

Not everyone goes through this, some really are not interested and like going along with their parents.

I wonder how the parents would feel about the things you are saying of their daughter ? Would they feel that you was intruding in a family unit ?

I don't think we can live other people's lives for them, anticipate what they will go through based on what we went through? First, you are enough older than she is so of a different era. In two years the college milieu might be completely different? I was at university in the 1960's, I think I understand what you are saying Salukigirl and that you are thinking about your niece and what her experience might be and how you might be able to help is commendable but I don't think can work any more than if her mother were to talk to her about it.

But being part of the baby boomer/hippie generation and what "you" think about my experience and what it was actually like for Me, is like night and day and will be similar for you and your niece I think; not the same time period or background to be able to "share" like you are trying to, I don't think.

Thanks Perna.

I really wish people would read my entire post and see that her parents have expressed the same wishes to me and that they view me as someone who can be "trusted" more with her than others. They don't think she will do anything in front of them because they are the parents. I'm not getting into their "family unit". And pardon me, but I'm in their family unit. I basically raised my niece while my sister was getting her degree because she had her when she was 18. I have been more involved in that child's life than a lot of people and am in the will to be her legal guardian if anything happens to her parents. So I would really appreciate if people would stop making me out to be some "intruder" on her life.

Perna....I know she is sortof in a different generation than me. She is only 7 years younger than me so we are not too far apart. She also goes to a very small school. My school had over 3,000 kids so I know I was exposed to a lot more there. She has been talking more about college and whenever she decides where that could be a good indicating factor. She says something like Ohio State which is a massive party school and kind of a crappy area....then yeah I think she's in over her head when it comes to things like partying.

My cousin was that type of kid too. Never had a drink in high school or smoked a cigarette or anything. He went off to Ohio State, friended me on Facebook, and now (he's still only 19) every single post almost is about drinking, blacking out the night before, smoking pot etc..... You see why maybe I would like her to get some of this out of her system first? I'm trying to be realistic and possibly face those issues before she goes off and doesn't have an immediate support system there with her.

Pardon me, but I was not being aggressive so do not see the need for you to be aggressive.

I'm not being aggressive. I'm sick of people skipping over parts of my posts and telling me I'm intruding on my own family's life and jumping to conclusions about things that are not true.

Maybe you don't realise it but you are coming across as aggressive still.

If you think I'm being aggressive then stop replying to my posts. I already got some very good advice. Thanks.

I think if your niece is going to have problems, she'll have them no matter what one can say before; we have to have our own experience before we understand what the person was saying? Everyone is going to say "bad" things that happen to others aren't going to happen to them, especially, I think, if they have a strong religious or other organized mindset?

I was "good" in college but got in trouble later :-)

I know, Perna. She used to have really strong religious views. She has already had a pretty tough time which is why I'm concerned she is overcompensating. I know I did. My dad is an alcoholic, pot smoker and does coke. That's not including the drugs I don't know about. So while I was young, up to about age 14 or 15, I was avidly against everything. Then, once I was really exposed to it I went overboard. Got arrested, the whole deal.

My sister got pregnant at 17 and the dad's parents basically gave him an ultimatum. Either he was involved in his child's life or they paid his way through a top university. He never saw my sister again and has never once in niece's life, seen her. She goes through phases of depression wanting to see him, wondering why he doesn't want anything to do with her, then goes back to basically denial. She calls my sister's husband dad, and he has been around since she was about 5. So even though most of her memories are with him, she still wonders.

Right now she is a straight A student, doesn't do drugs or anything. And I know what that abandonment (especially by my father) feels like. I know how hard that was to deal with. I ended up doing all this stuff because I had this deep down feeling that people, especially guys, wouldn't like me if I didn't.

I really hate thinking that she could take the same road and do feel like I can do something to prevent it, even though I know I can't. So maybe I feel like, if I can take her through those experiences and show her how to have fun responsibly, maybe she wont go overboard like I did.

And I know if she is going to, there is nothing I can do to stop it. Really, I just see myself in her a little and think about what it would have been like to have that person who could let me do those things under supervision to have a little guidance. I wish I would have had someone there to show me things in moderation. So yeah, I know I'm projecting my own feelings of helplessness onto her. And maybe I shouldn't worry. But she's my niece. She's the girl who wanted to be whatever I was at that moment. And I know how much she looks up to me. So if I can show her, yes it's okay to do these things as long as you're safe, maybe it will sink in more than just hearing a speech from "the 'rents".