My son really needs help!

My 15 year old son has been on the depression/anxiety roller coaster since he was 9. He goes to school online after battling the school with truancy issues and a lack of support for his emotional needs. Part of the way to avoid another round of truancy issues is for him to keep up with assignments. For the past 2 days he has refused to do homework, refused to get out of bed, and is sinking fast! The worst part is he won't talk to me. When he has been at his worst I have always managed to get him to open up. Now he just tells me it doesn't matter because he wants to die. Hospitals won't accept him because they have limited beds and he is not, in their words, "actively" suicidal.

He sees a therapist, but sometimes the aftermath of dealing with all the pent of emotions leaves him reeling. I can't count how many different medication combinations we have tried over the past year.

I tell him I love him. I tell him that I'm on his side. I tell him that I want him to stick around. I tell him that things can get better. I love my child with all my heart. What if love is not enough?

Hi, Can't Stop Crying! Here's a perspective that may or may not be applicable or useful for you:

Right now, managing your son's illness comes first. His longer term educational requirements need to adjust to him, not the other way around. School may certainly be part of his healing, but school is the servant here and cannot be the master given the severity of his condition.

Can he still do enjoyable things? How complete is his disinterest in life? Has he had a full medical workup?

Your post brought tears to my eyes... because I'm in a similar situation...

My son has Asperger's Syndrome and he's been suffering from depression and been suicidal. He is 12 ½ years old and he lives since last spring at a boarding school. He comes home on weekends and we also go there to visit him. It is very hard to have to "let go of" your child like this. Three weeks from now it's been a year since he moved. I still cry my tears almost every day... worrying about him... missing him...

It's disgraceful how you as a mother has to fight so hard to get heard when you KNOW your son better than anybody else. Don't stop 'nagging' to get the proper help!

It's a lonely place to be in - hurting like you do. Anytime you need a listening ear... pm me.

on a bad day:

Exhausted soul

my heart in a tight tormented knot
enduring this breath taking plot

my twisted world of disbelief
a mother's heart in constant grief

the rain falling outside my window
making me feel like letting go

how else are you suppose to feel
when love is not enough to heal?

29/1-11

on a better day:

Miniscule greatness

continue to throw life's eternal dice
create your own internal paradise
see the little…
see the small…
look into your heart to find
a place to soothe your mind
feel the unknown
feel the curiosity
seek for the truth
return to the eagerness of youth
spread the word all around
spread the hope you found
may the rays of sun lead you into brightness
the stars of the night into universal richness

3/2-11


You can do it! Use the love you feel for your son as the power to keep going towards finding the support you both need.

/HW

Rohag - unfortunately the school doesn't look at it that way...the state views truancy as a form of neglect and while we just barely escaped a court hearing, I'm worried that if it happens again we won't be so lucky.
His disinterest in life is all consuming - he doesn't enjoy anything, only leaves the house for therapy and med checks. It's tough to get him out of bed. We have seen so many doctors, tried so many meds, he is just plain stuck.

He is having yet another tough day - I asked if we could talk and he said no, I asked if there was anything I could do for him and he said no.

I want to fix this for him, but I know that all I can do is support him - he has to want to fight this depression and he just hasn't reached that point yet.

((Can't Stop Crying))

I'm glad you are there for him, but I would be careful in supporting his illness. You will never be able to fix this for him. Sooner or later he's going to have to take the reins and take a little responsibility for his life if he really wants a way out of his depression.

Who ever said life was supposed to be enjoyable? It might be one heck of a roller coaster ride, but life isn't all about amusement. It's about doing your homework and being responsible for your life, even after you graduate from school.

If he refuses to get out of bed, maybe you can tell him that being afraid to live is no excuse for wanting to die. Nobody likes doing homework and chores, but it has to be done. If he's not afraid to die, he should also have the courage to get out of bed, go to school and complete all of his assignments in life. It may not be all fun and games, but it's a wild ride nonetheless. If he gives it his all, he won't have regrets. He'll be able to reflect back on the hills and valleys of his life - and realize how much he enjoyed his adventure on Earth, despite his rough start.

All teenagers have problems learning to deal with life in different ways. It's a part of growing up... BUT there's a BIG difference between misbehaving or maybe even being plain lazy compared to have a severe depression and having thoughts about ending one's life.

A child who's been struggling with depression since the age of 9 needs to be seen as more than just 'a teenager coping with growing up'. When you're 15 years old you still IMO need to be guided by your parents. I very much believe that you are a very important part of your son's life. No one can ever take your place as his loving caring mother. You DO make a difference!

I am wondering if you could sit at his computer and look at his assignments and do them "with him". What I mean is to ask him what he thinks the answers are. Any chance of that? Than maybe a reward is in order, favorite meal, movie, or if you can get him out of the house (which I doubt) even better. Skating or whatever you can talk him into would be GREAT!

maybe this information can be of some help: http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen.htm

Heart Whispers - how is your son doing? I think of you often

I feel many people with depression are being enabled in their illness... all with the best intentions.

In many jobs he will be allowed to have bad days, but not bad weeks. Life does not spare you, no matter what label you use as excuse.

The more one allows themselves to dwell in their depths, in deeper they become. Sometimes one has to push through. Making up for what wasn't done is always much worse.

I guess from the parent perspective it is a little different...I promise you I have encountered a lot of pain in my life and there is absolutely nothing worse IMO than having your child talk about suicide.

We have tried threatening, punishing, rewarding, begging, pleading, supporting...the list goes on and on.

I do not feel like I am supporting his depression - I feel like I am supporting him.

Every expert we have consulted has a different method for helping him and the method we have found most successful is validating his feelings and encouraging him. Each child is different and each child responds to a different approach.

That doesn't mean the path we have chosen is an easy one...it requires a lot of patience and determination...even when I feel like I'm running on empty.

I love my son and will do whatever it takes to see him through this. Sometimes I feel desperate by the lack of options in the MH system, limited beds, doesn't quite qualify, etc.

My son is not a rebellious teenager who refuses to comply because he is choosing to be difficult - he is a child paralyzed by pain and hopelessness. He didn't choose to be dealt this hand of cards in life. He cries when he tells me how much he wants to be "normal" and not feel like this. Depression tends to zap the energy and the will to fight. I'm trying to encourage him to fight this darkness and find a path to healing.

((Can't Stop Crying))

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply his depression wasn't clinical or extremely serious. I was just giving a friendly caution to avoid feeding into his illness. If some kids know they have an "excuse," they will sometimes not put forth any effort to even try to get up off their feet. They believe they have a "valid" excuse and encouragement from you to stay in bed.

My son suffered horrible abuse as a child from racist bullies, young and old. He received ZERO support from the school or community. He was purposely set up, humiliated, then blamed and punished - all for a joke. I tried my best to support and defend him, but they just blew me off and considered me a "n*****-loving *****." (even though I had been married to my ex-husband). My ex-husband was a firefighter - but they refused to believe my ex-husband was nothing but a "pimp." My son had no interest in academics whatsoever.

Thanks to all the abuse, my son wanted to kill himself too. He didn't. After four years of military serving our country, he is now in college pursuing a nursing degree - and getting straight A's.

I wanted to kill myself back then too - glad I didn't.

I wish you the best of luck with your son.

Fortunately, my son is very intelligent (I'm not just saying that because I am his mom) He has scored off the charts since forever. I guess that is why I'm not as worried about academics as some parents would be. I know he can make it up when he gets back on his feet. The trouble is the school/state have their own agenda...no child left behind, truancy = neglect, etc.
The added pressure they are putting on him increases how overwhelmed he feels. If they would just give him a break to focus on healing - kinda like letting him have one thing to deal with at a time - I think he would make more progress. My pleas to everyone who is anyone have gone unheard.
He will be sixteen soon - I'm considering letting him get his GED. That is far from the path I ever imagined for him - his potential is incredible! He has expressed an interest in attending college courses with me after the GED (I currently take classes occasionally) That gives me hope - that is the first time he has talked about anything future related in more than a year.
I do believe there is hope for his recovery and that he can beat this monster.

Some days, I feel beat down and overwhelmed. And I am frustrated by the response from school officials, D.A.'s, etc

I guess I just needed to vent

BTW - he got out of bed on his own today and took a shower

good to hear!

ty for caring hun! my son is having a rough time right now with a lot of events ahead of him making him feel anxious and confused. I talk to him on the phone a lot trying to guide him through his worries. I'm still the only one he opens up to.

He had a good start to the day yesterday and then therapy stirred up all his pent up emotions. I am running out of words to support him. It's hard to tell him things will get better when my own depression makes me doubt those words. I brought him home from therapy, crying, and tried to talk to him. He is so hopeless - it is breaking my heart. I've been up all night crying when I should have been at work.
The words and phrases he uses sound like they could come right out of my own head - that is where the guilt comes in. He is so much like me. It's hard to convince him to hang in there when I want to check out myself. Sometimes - I really think my family would be better if I left for a while. Then they could heal without me dragging them down.
I've battled this stuff my whole life - seeing my kids go through it is almost too much!

a son
a gift
a treasure to hold
a mother
a guide
a shelter in the storm
the child you see
the child you feel
the good... the bad...
the happy... the sad...
the mother who is always there
the mother who shows her care
the good... the bad...
the happy... the sad...
a son and a mother
united forever
not one without the other
but the two walking side by side
crying...
laughing...
together


you need each other...
your entire family needs YOU
the pain you've gone through earlier in life has not taken away your loving caring heart... the heart who loves a son in every way

you can do it together!

Talked to his doctor again about looking into Residential Treatment, my husband is absolutely opposed to this idea. He has an appointment next week, so we'll see how it goes.
I don't think my husband completely understands where I'm coming from, although I've tried to explain it to him. If I have to let him go for a little while to save him in the long run, then maybe that's what should happen. It is not what I want, but he needs more help than I am able to give.
I work 3rd shift (although I'm on leave right now) and then spend most of my day talking to, working with, helping my oldest son and then try to squeeze in time for my younger son before and after school and then if I'm lucky, catch a nap after dinner before going to work. I feel guilty, but it is so overwhelming right now even with work out of the equation.
Maybe him going to treatment for a while will help me get back on my feet too - I feel selfish admitting that.

I think you are doing the best that you possibly can in this situation. Has your son had a FULL psychological work up done? (I ask b/c somewhere along the way I slipped through the cracks and only had one done 3 months ago, although I've been dealing with these issues and seeing Ts and Pdocs for over a decade). I commend you in being there for your sons. Is it possible to get a note from his therapist/pdoc explaining to the school that he has an actual medical condition that is causing him to not be able to do his school work and that it has nothing to do with truancy/neglect.

I don't think that you are being selfish to want treatment for both of you. I think you have realized that you need all the support you can get. I wish you the best of luck. If there is anything I can do please PM me or let me know.

Full psych work up last May when he was hospitalized in acute care for 5 days. Doctor and T have been very involved with school issues and are just as frustrated as I am. They were the reason he is allowed to do his school work online at home rather than attending. Doctor actually convinced D.A. to drop Child in Need of Care hearing on the condition that my son continues to receive an education. I guess our biggest problem revolves around due dates. He is on such a roller coaster and some days he literally can not concentrate enough to focus on school work. He always makes up the assignments, but the school documents these "lapses" Ridiculous!

thanks for the support and letting me vent!

Hang in there, both of you. I'm glad you have professionals who care and are involved in your son's educational needs.

In junior high, one teacher told my son to carry a small note pad in his pocket to remember her instructions to him - told him to put it in his pocket, buy a chain and attach it to his body....or she will KEEP him in detention. FINE - we did that and came down hard on our son to remember his instructions.

One week later, another teacher reports him to the principal for carrying a DANGEROUS weapon. The principal considered my son's tiny little chain a weapon and suspended him for not following school rules.

My son's nickname was "IT." When the bullies pushed him around at school and threw things at him, the teachers and principal were right there - smiling with amusement, not saying a word.

I am so sorry for you and your son!

Thank you ((Cant Stop Crying))

What bothers me most about all of that is it was based solely on racial bigotry and sense of superiority over people of color. It made them feel entitled to push us around in order to satisfy their sense of power and control. Mainstream society keeps telling me to "ignore" these "isolated" incidents, then blame me for being "bitter" about the past - i.e., get over it already, it was a LONG time ago. How can people who claim to be "smart" and "good" be so ignorant/naive?

I hear you, although I've never dealt with racial bigotry, I understand the frustration at the mainstream response when you and your child are in distress. You are a strong, wonderful mother to have raised such a secure,successful son with all of those obstacles!

I know you're going through some tough times yourself. So was I - having to address issues having to do with my (deceased) suicidal alcoholic mother - turned out a lot of her issues were based on her unknown serious illness at the time - amyloidosis. I never believed she had amyloidosis (doctors didn't know about her type). I was diagnosed with amyloidosis when my son was in junior high, so we had a LOT on our plates back then.

Take baby steps in the process of your own healing. I never realized how hard it was to seriously address issues from the past. I know each memory packs a huge punch, and it takes time to digest and comprehend the information. If you're able to allow the dust to settle before addressing something else, it's a little easier to "read" the story of your life. Take it one line, one paragraph, one page, one chapter at a time. Trying to digest an entire book all at once can make you sick.

I managed to maintain contact with my son by explaining to him I'm going through a seriously tough time, but he's my number one concern. I told him there will be times when my mind will be in a complete fog, and I'll be useless to him. BUT, if a crisis occurred during a time when I was in that "fog," I would STILL be there for him - but it's got to be a REAL crisis in his life....similar to a fire alarm. SO, in the event of a "fire," my son was given the key word - "MOM - SNAP OUT OF IT - I NEED YOU."

It wasn't a perfect solution - but it allowed us to dance through those turbulent years without stepping on too many toes or having to kick anyone off the dance floor.