[lost80]

Sorry in advance for the length of this post I just feel like background information is needed.

I was physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused as a child. The physical abuse was pretty severe punishment for little things that a simple explanation could have fixed. For example, I was electrocuted for talking "too loud." All this went on for over half of my existence. Because of that I have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and social anxiety disorder.

Later I married an abusive man because I thought I wouldn't find anyone better and I believed that would be better than going through life alone. He got a job in a city across the state so when he moved I happily stayed behind.

All I have ever heard is how stupid, ugly, fat, disgusting, worthless, etc that I am from my husband and my family. After he moved I started talking to a man that I had went to elementary school and high school with. Everything he said was the complete opposite of what I had always been told so I naturally wanted to be with him even though I knew it was wrong. I am now pregnant with his child and he is treating me just as bad or worse in some cases than my husband did. In my haste for love and acceptance I did not see the monster that was hidden beneath the lies.

Now I don't know what to do. I know what I did was very wrong. I have never ever done anything like this before. I have always been very aware of the consequences of my actions and would have never done anything to hurt anyone else like I have now (my unborn baby). I always took everything into consideration before doing anything. I would rather hurt myself by being alone and miserable except for the two times I was stupid and weak and married my husband and was with this man.

I just don't know what to do with my baby. I love her SO much and I want to raise her but I have many problems with this. 1) I just graduated college and I do not have a job. I am looking but not having any luck. 2) I don't know what is acceptable behavior for a child or rather when a child is misbehaving and should be scolded. I have no idea since nothing was acceptable in my family growing up. I do not believe in hitting a child for any reason but I also don't want to be giving time outs for minor things that don't really matter. And I don't want my depression to effect her in any way. 3) I have no support whatsoever. I don't speak to my family anymore and I don't have any friends because I am so shy. I am tired of doing this alone and she isn't even born yet. 4) I don't want the father involved in her life. He has told me on many occasions that he will not sacrifice anything for her or anyone else for that matter. He says that he doesn't love me and he never wanted to be with me and does not want her. He has said from day one to abort her (I completely disagreed to that) and is now saying that I just need to put her up for adoption because both of us are horrible people and would make terrible parents. Then when I started talking to an adoption agency he said that "come hell or high water" his family was going to take her before I would be able to place her with some strangers. His mother is an alcoholic and his grandmother is in her 80's. They certainly are not the kind of people I would want raising my baby. The whole point of me putting her up for adoption would be so she had a mom and a dad who were stable otherwise I would keep her myself so his family taking her defeats that purpose. I send him articles about parenting all the time and he always replies with "I know this. It is all common sense." (He obviously has zero experience with children) Then he tells me that he is going to be a bad father because he is not willing to do those things. I don't know why he would just accept being a bad father. Anyways, I tell him he does not have to have anything to do with her at all. He won't have to pay child support or have to visit her or anything but he refuses to just walk away like that. I don't understand. I think it would be better for her to have no father than one that is not willing to do anything for her because it is an inconvenience to him and it is not his ideal situation. He is very hung up on this fantasy of a perfect life. He honestly believes a perfect life exists. I don't know how to work anything out with him because he isn't happy with any option given to him and flat out refuses them all. I was asking my lawyer about it and she said he has no rights in this state even after she is born. I am pretty sure that is incorrect information but I am not a lawyer so I don't know. I have read on many websites that he has no rights until she is born. (His attitude completely changed after we found out that I was pregnant. Before he would always tell me that I would be an amazing wife and mother and so on.)

Anyways I don't know what to do. I want to keep her and I am willing to go to parenting classes to learn how to be a good parent. I am looking really hard for a job and a place to live (my house is going to be sold as part of the divorce and the money split). I am willing to do anything and everything it takes to be a good mom to her--even if it means giving her up for adoption. I know it is my decision to make but I would love to hear different opinions and some good advice.

Thanks so much.

[danii24]

thats a situation and 1/2 your in. I no your feelings of thinking you are going to be a bad mother because you have no role model to look up to. A parenting class is a great idea for you to learn how to properly scold a child i.e discipline and stuff.

Can you get a social worker to help you maybe find you tempory accomodation and help you finacially. I dnt where you live but in Ireland there is certaonly help for this.

I had a friend that gave a child for adoption so she could have a better life. She has never regretted doing this because she stood by her discision but in saying that it was still not easy for her to. I dont feel that it is a bad thing to do if you really feel you've no option because it shows you are thinking about the child. That is a sign of a good person not a bad person, but b4 making such a discision where theres no going back from i would sujests looking for a social worker to help you 1st.

Im a single mother and my sons father has nothing to do with him at all. He doesnt want to know him or pay for him. I know how hard it can be and all the fears that go with it. I have a social worker helping me because i am struggling and theres no shame in needing help. I was sexually abused as a child so i can relate to you there.

I wish you all the best and i hope you find the help you need. Apart from a socail worker i dnt no what to suggest to you

[googley]

hello
I think the idea of parenting classes if you decide to keep your daughter. I also strongly suggest therapy if you are not already in it. It will help you with your depression and ptsd, and social anxiety. Getting yourself healthy is the best thing you can do for your daughter (and yourself). I would also question the advice you were given by your lawyer that the father has no rights even after the child is born. Was it a family lawyer (one who deals with family law)? Parenting can be hard. We will support whatever decision you make.

[lost80]

Thanks so much for the advice. I will definitely get a social worker and start discussing options with her.

I am in therapy. I go to DBT group therapy and I have individual sessions. It really helps a lot but my therapists isn't saying much on this matter. She told me to write down everything that keeps me from keeping my daughter and if I can fix it then I should keep her. I did that and I can fix all but one problem and that is the most important to me. I just feel that she would be better off with someone who doesn't have to try so hard and is a happily married couple. It seems more stable to me. I guess most of this is just my lack of self esteem and confidence. I don't know. I just want what is best for her.

Thanks again and bless you both.

[AAAAA]

I would never presume to give you advice on whether or not you should keep your daughter or give her up for adoption. Only you can come to that decision.

PLEASE make sure you are getting accurate legal advice on this matter. In every single state in the US a father has paternal rights once the child is born. A quick google search contradicted the information your lawyer gave you. There does appear to be a loophole in some states regarding adoption. Once you sign the paperwork he has 30 days to dispute it. The websites I visited recommended if you fear he will dispute or attempt to go for custody to sign while pregnant because his time to protest will have expired.

In any event, I would like to say that you sound pretty insightful. Being aware of your issues puts you ahead of the game in my opinion. Children do not come with a handbook and I do not think anyone is truly ready for them. With your insight and continued professional mental health support there does not seem to be any reason you could not be an excellent mother.

[lost80]

Thanks AAAAA. I thought the lawyer may be right because my friend who was a police officer said the rules had changed about those issues the year that she quit. She wasn't sure what changed so she told me to question it. I didn't think it sounded right though. Maybe I misunderstood her or maybe I need a new lawyer.

I was just really worried that my past would hurt me as a mother but hearing from other people really helps. I would never tell any of my friends about my past because it is way too personal and I wanted to hear from people who have been through similar stuff and felt the same way. I know now because of everyone's help and advice that I can be a great mother no matter what. I can decide to not let my past interfere with the present or my future. I am definitely keeping my baby and I am so excited about it. I know it will be hard but it will be worth it. Thanks again!

[AAAAA]

I have never met anyone in my entire life that does not have issues. I think those of us that have had a particularly difficult time are more aware of what can/does go wrong and we do everything we can to protect our children because of it.

I worked very hard not the repeat the mistakes of my parents, but in the process I have made my own. I think the reason my kids all turned out so well is because I was never afraid to admit when I was wrong and apologize. I know my own parents thought that admitting mistakes was a sign of weakness somehow.

Love covers a multitude of mistakes. I may not have always made the best decisions but they were all made out of love. And most importantly my children know that they are loved and cherished.

[*doodles*]

Hi lost,
First off, I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation.
I think your T's suggestion seems a little black and white. I'm all for making decisions based on those kinds of lists, but not such a life impacting decision such as keeping or giving your baby up for adoption. I think that's something you really have to look inside yourself for the answer. I was in a (somewhat) similar situation a few years ago, so I know that pain you are going through. I can say that no matter which way you decide, you will probably always wonder "what if". People only tend to think of that one way(adoption), but I kept my daughter and there are still some hard days where I wonder if she would have been better off if I had given her to a "real" family.
If you truly want to keep the baby, there IS a way to do it. Don't think just because of your issues, or lack of money, you have to go the adoption route. There is SO much help out there if you reach out! You can get some financial assistance until you find a job, and therapy and parenting classes to help you work through your issues and build your confidence as a mother. You CAN absolutely do it IF thats what you truly want.
But I also think adoption is such a wonderful choice, too. If you believe deep within yourself that you cannot do this, then giving the baby a wonderful like with a great family is an honorable decision. However, the baby's father can refute it. I know if my state the father has either 30 or 60 days to dispute it and claim custody. But of course, he has to know that you are doing this. Are you still in contact? Is there any hope of you guys seeing an adoption counselor together, or even a regular counselor to try and get him to understand why you think adoption would be a good choice?
But honestly it sounds to me like you truly want to keep her, but you are just scared. I've been there. It IS scary...its scary for any new parent, but add in depression, not having support/good role models, a not so good/uninvolved father, and money/job issues, well its really scary. But you can do this!! All she truly needs is your love, the rest can be figured out.
But whatever you decide, I am sure it will be for the best for you and your child!

[lost80]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I have never met anyone in my entire life that does not have issues. I think those of us that have had a particularly difficult time are more aware of what can/does go wrong and we do everything we can to protect our children because of it.

I worked very hard not the repeat the mistakes of my parents, but in the process I have made my own. I think the reason my kids all turned out so well is because I was never afraid to admit when I was wrong and apologize. I know my own parents thought that admitting mistakes was a sign of weakness somehow.

Love covers a multitude of mistakes. I may not have always made the best decisions but they were all made out of love. And most importantly my children know that they are loved and cherished.

That is really great advice. I was afraid an apology wouldn't be enough when I messed up. I really appreciate what you posted. It made me feel a lot better.

[lost80]

Originally Posted by *doodles*

Hi lost,
First off, I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation.
I think your T's suggestion seems a little black and white. I'm all for making decisions based on those kinds of lists, but not such a life impacting decision such as keeping or giving your baby up for adoption. I think that's something you really have to look inside yourself for the answer. I was in a (somewhat) similar situation a few years ago, so I know that pain you are going through. I can say that no matter which way you decide, you will probably always wonder "what if". People only tend to think of that one way(adoption), but I kept my daughter and there are still some hard days where I wonder if she would have been better off if I had given her to a "real" family.
If you truly want to keep the baby, there IS a way to do it. Don't think just because of your issues, or lack of money, you have to go the adoption route. There is SO much help out there if you reach out! You can get some financial assistance until you find a job, and therapy and parenting classes to help you work through your issues and build your confidence as a mother. You CAN absolutely do it IF thats what you truly want.
But I also think adoption is such a wonderful choice, too. If you believe deep within yourself that you cannot do this, then giving the baby a wonderful like with a great family is an honorable decision. However, the baby's father can refute it. I know if my state the father has either 30 or 60 days to dispute it and claim custody. But of course, he has to know that you are doing this. Are you still in contact? Is there any hope of you guys seeing an adoption counselor together, or even a regular counselor to try and get him to understand why you think adoption would be a good choice?
But honestly it sounds to me like you truly want to keep her, but you are just scared. I've been there. It IS scary...its scary for any new parent, but add in depression, not having support/good role models, a not so good/uninvolved father, and money/job issues, well its really scary. But you can do this!! All she truly needs is your love, the rest can be figured out.
But whatever you decide, I am sure it will be for the best for you and your child!

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. I really wanted to hear from someone that knows first hand kind of what I am going through and how they dealt with it so I appreciate your post. The "what if" is really what is getting to me. I can picture her with a nice, happy, stable family but I see me being so unhappy wishing that I had kept her and feeling like I am taking something away from her by putting her up for adoption and then I see me keeping her and being so overwhelmed and not knowing how to go on. I do think that my decision was based on a "black and white" system and I am not sure now if it is the right one. The dad is too interested in pursuing his "music career" and is not interested in being held back by me or her. I have suggested that he come to the classes with me or take some by himself but he "doesn't have time to be bothered with things like that because parenting is just common sense." There is no hope there. I guess I am on my own and it is very scary. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and potentially mess up her life. I don't want her to regret me putting her up for adoption or me not putting her up for adoption. Your encouragement is very uplifting though and I really needed to hear it. Thanks so much.

[*doodles*]

Originally Posted by lost80

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. I really wanted to hear from someone that knows first hand kind of what I am going through and how they dealt with it so I appreciate your post. The "what if" is really what is getting to me. I can picture her with a nice, happy, stable family but I see me being so unhappy wishing that I had kept her and feeling like I am taking something away from her by putting her up for adoption and then I see me keeping her and being so overwhelmed and not knowing how to go on. I do think that my decision was based on a "black and white" system and I am not sure now if it is the right one. The dad is too interested in pursuing his "music career" and is not interested in being held back by me or her. I have suggested that he come to the classes with me or take some by himself but he "doesn't have time to be bothered with things like that because parenting is just common sense." There is no hope there. I guess I am on my own and it is very scary. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and potentially mess up her life. I don't want her to regret me putting her up for adoption or me not putting her up for adoption. Your encouragement is very uplifting though and I really needed to hear it. Thanks so much.

Anytime! Really, if you need someone to talk to, you can always PM me. It is definitely a struggle. I can honestly say though, that even though there are times that I think she would've been better off if I had given her up for adoption, I don't regret my decision. I think if you truly think about what you want, putting all the what ifs aside, you will come to peace with your decision.

[zbmom]

If I were in your situation and I was seriously considering adoption this is what I would do.

1) Cease all contact with the (alleged) father. Notice I said alleged.
2) Start talking to a social worker who specializes in adoptions.
3) Really find out what your legal rights are.
4) When the baby is born, do not put the dad's name on the birth certificate.

He would have to contest the adoption, and prove he is the biological father to stop it from happening. He might be too lazy or full of hot air to follow through with either, and going to court costs a lot of money.

You need good, up to date legal advice, and you need to be working with a social worker. There are too many factors and too much to navigate for you to shoulder this alone.

[lost80]

Originally Posted by zbmom

If I were in your situation and I was seriously considering adoption this is what I would do.

1) Cease all contact with the (alleged) father. Notice I said alleged.
2) Start talking to a social worker who specializes in adoptions.
3) Really find out what your legal rights are.
4) When the baby is born, do not put the dad's name on the birth certificate.

He would have to contest the adoption, and prove he is the biological father to stop it from happening. He might be too lazy or full of hot air to follow through with either, and going to court costs a lot of money.

You need good, up to date legal advice, and you need to be working with a social worker. There are too many factors and too much to navigate for you to shoulder this alone.

Thanks for the advice. I have decided that I am going to keep her. I have read about not putting him on the birth certificate. What I have read is that you are required to put the name on there if you know who it is. I have considered it saying that I have no idea who the father is but money is never a problem for him. He wouldn't care to spend a lot to make me miserable. I do need to get some good legal help. I have stopped talking to him because it was just counterproductive and always made me feel worse.

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by lost80

Thanks for the advice. I have decided that I am going to keep her. I have read about not putting him on the birth certificate. What I have read is that you are required to put the name on there if you know who it is. I have considered it saying that I have no idea who the father is but money is never a problem for him. He wouldn't care to spend a lot to make me miserable. I do need to get some good legal help. I have stopped talking to him because it was just counterproductive and always made me feel worse.

As mentioned before get some accurate up to date legal advice before making any decisions that you may regret later.

[krazy_phoenix]

((((((((((lost80))))))))))))
You will be a wonderful mum. You are so far ahead of alot of other mums who aren't willing to look at their own issues and how they may/may not affect their children, and who already think they know the lot! No child comes with a handbook. Parenting classes are great, and you are clearly intelligent enough to understand that even parenting classes are designed for you to mold into your own style that will suit your own unique precious tiny family (thats what you and your daughter are - a family). Its not easy being a mum, mental health issues or not, father present or absent, helpers or no helpers. There are stresses and worries that will come with your little bundle of joy and will never leave - it comes with the territory that only mothers can understand (this is not meant to be derogatory to any other females, its just the way it is). Although your individual circumstances are unique to you, in your bigger picture situation, you are very much not alone. There are other mums out there who are single and coping/suffering with mental health issues of varying degrees too. There is help and support out there. Children have a way of making us more humble. Ask for the help you need, and you will get it. Best of luck and life to you both,
kp