Please help me, I don't know what to do... Freaking out here...

Trigger warning...

I just about lost my mind last night... Well I did actually. It caused so much of a reaction from me and I never saw it coming...

My brother has a lot of baby mama drama. He just got his kids back (one 5 y/o girl one 4 y/o boy) they spent time in and out of foster care but now he has them and they are getting better.

My daughter is 3, the only child. She's my everything. I do everything for her. I have gone without meals just to buy her a toy because she was a good girl that day. I do everything to make her child nothing like mine. My brother doesn't have central heating in his home so I invited him and his kids to stay the night last night.

After a while they are all 3 in the kitchen. I was using the restroom and the 5 y/o girl runs in and gets me. I went out there and my daughter said her cousin the 4 y/o boy touched her privates I put the boy in time out, explained again the private area rule. Told them and reminded my daughter again that it's her private part and no one needs to see it or touch it and if they do come tell me.

So later on in the night my daughter and her girl cousin are in her room playing. I heard something that made me suspicious and I go in her room and they are taking pictures of private parts!!! WTH am I supposed to do? I lost it. I had a melt down and sent them both to time out. I realized I was making it more dramatic than it needed to be and tried to calm myself down. I pulled my 3 year old into my closet and we sat down and had the talk again about privates. I still put her in time out but explained that it was because I told her already not to show her private parts and she did it anyways. We had to sit in the bedroom that night with them until they fell asleep. We were all too worried it would happen again.

So I woke up in the middle of the night twice last night having anxiety attacks over this. I do everything and I mean everything in my power to prevent her from having anything less than a wonderful childhood and this happens, what do I do? I'm being triggered on so many levels with this, how do I keep my head on and deal with this appropriately, I want to curl in a ball and hide forever, but I have to be there for her, how do I keep myself calm without ruining her? I don't know what to do...

I feel like it's all been ruined now, all of this hard work in keeping her safe and healthy and now this has happened, what if she doesn't forget that? What if it eats away at her for the rest of her life like it has so many others? I don't know how to make this better, I don't want that life for her. I don't want to turn my back on his kids but is there any better way of dealing with this, keeping her safe? I feel like a failure right now... I failed her...

I have no recent experience it this--just want you to know I hear you & feel your deep concern. I send strong feelings of strength, positive direction for this. You will be guided in this by wisdom & best experience.

Roadrunner

Try to remember that this was two very small children doing this, not an adult doing this to your daughter. It is not at all the same thing and will probably have no lasting effects on your daughter so long as it doesn't continue as she gets older.

You didn't mention what your brother's response was to the situation at all. Was he there? He does need to be told. You mentioned his kids had been in foster care. Something may have gone on that left his kids feeling that their behavior is okay. And I'm not saying they were molested by an adult. It is quite possible another child they were in contact with did the same thing to them that they did to your daughter. No telling. It will be important that he have his children evaluated by a qualified child therapist just in case further intervention needs to be taken. If he refuses to do that, you should contact child protective services with your concerns.

You handled the situation really well from what you described. Try not to bombard your daughter with questions and lectures on abuse. That might be more scarring than what actually happened. Just keep a good momma's eye on her and if you see any residual problems, you'll know what to do to get her help. I would definitely carefully supervise any interactions between the other kids and your daughter until you brother has had time to figure out how to handle this.

Thank you roadrunner and farmergirl.

My brother was there last night and when I tried to put his daughter in time out she refused so I called him in the room and told him. I went to handle my daughter and talk to her and heard his daughter throwing a fit blaming my child. That's what made me kind of snap even more so. She kept saying "She did it! I didn't do nothing!" so I ran in there and said "You were the one taking the pictures! You are just as responsible as her, you did it too. You are the oldest, you should be telling us when this happens not helping them do it!!!" I yelled a little but genuinely held back as much as I possibly could. Her dad kept her in time out for a little while. I really tried to keep my calm but it just brought back so much... Reminded me so much of what I was trying to protect her from. I shouldn't have blamed the 5 year old and I knew that so when I went back in I explained much more calmly why she was in trouble.

I try so hard to be the protector for her, something I never had. I try so hard it makes me so tired. I'm always so tired from worrying about her it leaves me with no patience or anything left over really. I know it's not healthy but with my past, I don't know how else to be. With this I feel like I failed at the only good parenting skill I had.

I know it wasn't their fault, any of them. They don't know. But just because of their ignorance (and I know it's not a polite term but it's the most accurate term for this) I don't see why my child should have to have this on her conscience if she remembered it. I'm already a hawk watching her, now I guess I have to be everywhere at once, but I can't let her have a disfunctional childhood like mine, I can't.

I don't know what else to do. Do I just move on since we had the talk or.. I don't know... Battling these triggers while I try to keep my head on straight is no easy task...

I don't remember. Are you in therapy? If so, run this situation by your therapist. I would guess he/she will have some insight and suggestions for this situation. We had a similar situation come up with one of our kids and our therapist was incredibly helpful in putting some objective observations on the situation. He also had some sessions with our son and that was also quite helpful in multiple ways.

I don't have a t yet. Still 13 months into my job and I don't have medical. They have been putting off getting me medical for 7 months. I don't have any doctors really but a general practitioner I see every three months, I see him again Wednesday but I dunno if he would be able to help me with this situation... I need a t but in this small town, they don't have many or any that I can afford

Remember its just kids however the brothers children seem like they may have had some experience down the line that makes them want to engage in that type of behavior.For your brothers children that is definately a red flag and dangerous and brother should know that perhaps that has been a learned behavior on his childrens part.

For you and your daughter you need now to stop thinking of this and making it such an issue otherwise daughter will think its something bad. Right now she is a healthy three year old and does not know what is right or wrong. You have told her enough about private parts etc but now its time to let the subject go otherwise daughter will be affected!

Thinking of you!!

You're right MissBelle. I realized earlier that the more I bring it up with her, the more she will think about it and the more she will remember it. I'm a part of this too. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep her from her family but I don't want this happening to her.

My brother was worried last night after the kids went to bed. Was wondering where this originated from. He knew they learned it somewhere but you could tell he was worried. He got up first thing this morning and went home. Was gone by 8am. I feel so bad now. I feel like I made things so much worse for my neice. She is only 6 (forgot she just had a birthday) and my brother probably felt horrible about it as he didn't say much afterward. I feel like I screwed everyone up last night in my reaction. I really kept it rather calm considering my internal reaction. My instincts kicked in and first thing I freaked out. Once I could calm it I was able to talk more to them but gosh... I really screwed up. Should I have another talk with the 6 year old and tell her I'm sorry and such?

Things were handled terribly when I was a child and that's a large part of why I'm still so screwed up, I can't do that to these kids... I don't know how to fix this. With my daughter I can just drop it never talk about it again, I wasn't yelling at her, my instincts were to grab her and protect her from whatever was causing this. I didn't treat my neice like she was an abuser but I didn't treat her like she was a 6 year old, more like she was a teenager. I can't ruin her life either. I love my neice and nephew and my daughter. It's my daughter first of course but I can't stand the idea that I scarred my neice... I just don't know, this should not have happened...

I agree with previous posters' points about it being pretty normal for little kids to look at/touch each others privates. The picture thing strikes me as being more abnormal. And unfortunately, it's true that when kids have been in foster care, they get exposed to other kids who have been sexually abused, as well as being at risk of sexual abuse from bad foster parents. Also, you didn't say why they were in foster care in the first place. Perhaps the mom left them in situations she should not have?

This is going to sound horrible, but my husband and I decided not to take in foster kids after we had our own children. We have both worked as attorneys representing abused kids and representing foster parents. It is terribly unfortunate, but also true, that many children in the foster care system are emotionally damaged. MANY of them act out sexually with other children. I cannot tell you how many cases I have seen and read about where the foster parents' own children are sexually abused by foster kids.

Until you have a better idea what your niece and nephew were exposed to in foster care, I would suggest NEVER leaving your daughter alone with either child and even having her sleep in your room if necessary.

And I also agree with the other posters about just dropping it at this point. Lectures and interrogations will just serve to upset her. It sounds like you've done a good job up this point about not doing that, and you've emphasized what you need to.

I've kind of known about the stereotyping for children in foster care, I just guess I didn't consider it effecting my child since there were 3 adults in the house. We figured 3 kids with 3 adults they wouldn't do much. But the second they got alone in the bedroom it started. Not to mention now I'm a little concerned. They also stayed last weekend and my boyfriend said when I was at work that my daughter and my brothers daughter locked themselves in the bathroom for like 15 minutes. My daughter in the last week has been also saying she wants to pee upward and keeps trying to pull her pants down in public. That's been hard enough without all of this.

I told my brother last night they couldn't be trusted alone any more. We know that much. But I really think perhaps these kids need to have a nice kind conversation about this by me or him.

Theyw ere in foster care because of the mom. My brother was deployed to Iraq the first time they got taken away. They got the kids back and when he came back from Iraq he ended up going to jail. He took the fall for her but don't get me wrong he wasn't 100% innocent. When he went to jail she abandoned the kids. left them home and left state without telling anyone. They got taken away. She got them back AGAIN. A couple months after she got them back and my brother was out of jail. She begged us to take the girl so we did in a heart beat, had been trying to get them from her this whole time. About 2 months after that she went to jail and we got the boy too. Now my brother has his own place with them.

There is no telling what they have been through but I know it's a lot which makes me feel that much worse for getting upset yesterday but just because it's no ones fault doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. I think I'm going to talk to my brother about getting the kids physically evaluated to see... I however have heard the evaluations could be just as traumatic for a child so maybe just psychologically evaluated? I want all of these kids to have the best chance but I already know his kids.. Have been through too much. I don't want to cut my daughter from them but I don't see them getting stable any time soon...

I would suggest that you tell your brother that he needs to have a frank discussion with his children about boundaries. He should also get his children into therapy given that the going back and forth between home and foster care can be hard on children. The therapist should be informed about the acting out behavior. He should let them know that they can talk to him about anything.

You should tell your daughter that other people touching her/ taking pictures/ showing others her private parts or anyone showing theirs or having her touch theirs is not okay. That if anyone asks her to do this she should say 'no' and come find you immediately. That she wont be in trouble for telling you. You don't want her to do this, but if she feels like she will get in trouble by telling you, she wont tell you if someone were to do this.

Take a look at this resource: http://www.nspcc.org.uk/inform/publi..._wda48672.html and http://www.rainn.org/get-information...sexual-assault

When I was little my brother and I were very close in age. We used to gaze at each other's parts with quite some bewilderment. He thought I might have pulled my bit off, I thought he might have eaten something that was trying to wiggle out. It didn't scar either of us.

Later on we discovered that tongues were weird. We were about five and six, and one of us said, "how come we can't taste our own tongues?" So we decided to see if we could taste each other's tongues. We couldn't, but we did realise that tongues were rough and bobbly on the top, and slimey and horrid on the bottom. We thought this was hilarious, and laughed ourselves silly.

Anyway, on this occasion my Mum heard us laughing, and came out to see what we were doing. She thought we were doing something dirty, and gave us (well, me mainly) a good smacking (I was the older) and my poor Mum was traumatised for ages thinking it was a sex thing. It was anything but a sex thing.... it was literally a "wow, isn't this weird" thing. I didn't even know I had a vagina till I started bleeding out of it.

Perhaps all that is going on here is that kids are exploring their differences? It's not always a sex thing (I know how hard that is to hear when you've had trauma and abuse in your own childhood.) I don't think you've done anything wrong, you're being loving and protective. But I also think you could worry yourself ill. Of course, we didn't have camera as an issue when we were kids, and we'd never been in and out of foster care.

Please put me in my place if I'm out of line, I'm only sharing my own experience. I do think it's worth talking to a counsellor on the children's behalf. But please don't panic. You say you're scared you've "ruined" your daughter. I'm certain you've done no such thing. The most important thing for any child to know is that their parents love them. Your daughter knows that. Be kind to yourself. You're a good Mom.

It sounds like natural sexual development to me; in my day, we use to play "doctor" (w-a-a-a-y back there in the 1950's when doctors would still come to your house with their black bag). Be careful not to make sex and one's body "evil" or "bad"!

http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dfs/chi...orchildren.htm

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/arti...exual_behavior

http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/incest2.html

i think that while you do need to explain boundaries to the children.. looking and touching each others private parts at that age is normal.

i'm not sure what happen in your childhood.. but i think that you don't need to go to extremes such as not letting them play together or not leaving them alone when they are playing together.. they are just kids.. they are curious about theirs and others bodies..

explaining what is considered appropriate is a good idea, but you don't need to freak out too badly if they do something, just remind them gently about what you talked about.

Honestly. I read a little and couldnt read anymore. I know they are just kids but it seems wrong. I agree they should all be psychologically evaluated.
Its just not right on so many levels.I dont think ur overreacting...mainly because I have a memory when i was about 7 or 8 ..of a girl a bit older than me doing things to me and although it was nowhere near as traumatic as my main abuser... but it did make things confusing for me, and when I asked my mother about she dismissed it. I think it should be dealt with by a professional. The experience didnt traumatize me , it just made me confused.. so u shouldnt worry about trauma, but ..worry about why this behavior is happening.

sorry if im no help at all with this..or if i interpreted it wrong.

u sound like a really good mom <3 somteims kids just do crazy stuff

are you niece and nephew going to counseling regularly? i don't think that it should be obvious that it's a big deal but it sure feels to me like it may be...sounds like something went on for one or both of them in foster care or somewhere... a lot of this is normal but it does seem from what you described as quite preoccupied w/ it...whomever is initiating the talk/behavior. it's very normal for your 3 yo to go along w/ it all...this happened to my daughter at about 2.5 w/ a 5 yo boy. it took everything in my power to remain cool and calm. i walked in and couldn't tell if they were pulling pants up or down (i did childcare in my home at that time) so i said "oh. what's goin' on guys?" and let them tell me their versions of what was up. his eyes were darting to and fro...omg he was a nervous wreck. i could tell he initiated something and something went down. when my daughter told me her side of what occurred he interrupted her trying to get her to shut up saying that's not what happened. he was full of *****. i told his mom and she said she'd been having concerns as she noticed when in there that at his dad's house dad had porno dvd's mixed in w/ the normal ones. yikes!

i wouldn't put the kids in time outs but if you do, have them take a break separately, just make sure you aren't shaming them. explain that our bodies are private, especially our privates and it's not something kids are to touch on each others bodies. at any time. whether another kid wants them to or not. sounds like you've already said that. the niece and/or nephew sound obsessed w/ private parts and that concerns me.

it sounds like maybe your mama bear came out BIG TIME as you want to protect your baby girl and maybe it triggered your inner child as well...and i totally hear you on that...i'm quite the mama bear myself!!! i hear you on feeling like it's all ruined...innoncence lost so to speak. it is heartbreaking, i know... recently my daughter's friend was over (my daughter is now 9), who is 8. we were joking about kissing practicing (my bad) and i said no you do it on your own arm or pillow. ugh my bad again. well her friend starts going at her arm and moaning and humping on the couch. i was APPALLED. i thought omg, what have i brought up here. and i thought, omg, this girl knows WAY TOO MUCH. she knows what i knew at that age from hearing and seeing my own mother having sex...ick. it haunts me to this day. disgusting. i told the girl to stop it. that that is NOT ok in my home or w/ my kids. my friend was over and he thought it was normal kid behavior. i was like THAT is not normal. that is learned behavior and that is downright scary to me. i limit that girls time here now and do not allow my daughter to go to her house as i know her mom is a drunk and they watch drama's that are really intense and probably include lots of sexual scenes.

i'm sorry you are going thru this. give us an update. i hope your niece and nephew get into therapy if they aren't already. not saying the foster care was a bad scene but....knowing what i know of adults who've been in foster care and group homes, well....you know the rest. the odds say where troubled kids are, trouble happens. from the adults often who are caring for them and/or the other kids in the places. because...well, it was done to them! ugh. my heart goes out to you. i'd say maybe limit their time together or be in neutral settings like playgrounds or such where they aren't in a 'homey' environment so preoccupied w/ touch and playing out what happens in 'home' environments in their experiences... hugs.