Not pc to ask but do you ever regret becoming a parent ?

As I have acknowledged I'm very aware that it's not the 'PC' thing to ask but here goes. . .

Do you regret becoming a parent ???

I ask because I am trying to decide whether I genuinely don't want or need to be a mother. I suffer with chronic pain and I am also a carer for my partner and because of his illness he has told me to consider the question from all sides.

Thank you

Sorry I know it's not 'PC' to ask but here goes . . .

Do you regret becoming a parent ?????

I suffer from chronic pain and I am also a carer for my partner and I am trying to decide if I want a child ?

Thank you for reading

I don't regret being a parent but I do wish I had gone to grad school before I had a child.

Do I regret having kids? Not really, but I often wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't have children. I'd have tons more money, a career that is more satisfying, maybe a different husband. My children were planned, but I don't think I really knew what it was all going to be about before I had them. I love my children and don't resent them, but I think I would be just as happy if I didn't have kids. My life would just be different.

One thing I don't like about having kids---I worry a lot about them. It is very difficult to see them fail (even at things that aren't that important) and this definitely affects my mood quite a bit. I worry if they are going to be ok when they are adults, will they make smart choices about friends, do they know how to be healthy. You name it, and I've worried about it for my children!

There are many ways to be happy in life. There isn't always one path. If you have kids, there will be times when you wish you didn't have them. If you don't have kids, you'll wonder if life could have been better with them. I'd say once you make your decision, stick with it, move on, and enjoy the life you have.

Never. And I was someone who thought they didn't want children.
I am sure I would have been OK if they had not come along (how it happened/long story) but the moment I was pregnant I was fine, and when my kid was born, I fell in love. (& got pregnant again)
I think life can be worthwhile/satisfying either way.

Thank you for replies

I think my main worry really is that I don't want to be alone without family when I am in my twilight yrs, I expected that I'd have remained close to my nephews and nieces but my siblings have turned their back's because of their ignorance about my partners illness. And I worry that although I/we would cope my partner would resent my decision. . . .

I say my decision because he has made it clear as far as he is concerned it is exactly that my decision he tells me he's 50/50 as to whether it is appropriate for us to become parents, but when he told me his views led me to believe that if I do choose motherhood I will be dealing with a lot of things on my own and when things get hard (which I know they will, I'm not naive) his attitude is likely to be you made your bed lie in it !

What to do ? Dammed if I do and dammed if I don't

Do you think you have the patience and energy for a child? Do you want one for any reasons other than to have a caregiver in your old age? Kids are their own people, each with their own complexities and there is no guarantee that they will be able to be the person you dream of.

No regrets becoming a parent but feel sadenned for the way things have turned out thus far...

Thats been their choice not mine....but being a parent has enriched my life, given me numerous skills I would otherwise not have and made me a better and more empathetic person. They're all good things.

And whi knows what the future holds for my relationships with my boys....remember where there is no choice (I cant fix it they can) there is no shame

Believe me I have no delusions about moulding a child into an unpaid caregiver etc. If I do have a child I am certain that it would be as challenging as I was

This is a difficult question and one I've struggled with. I don't regret having my wonderful children, but in my darkest moments I fantasize about what life would be like if I were childless. Its not really fair to put all the pressure and fault on you to make a decision. Every parent needs a community and support whether you have one child or six. It was never meant to be done alone. As a mother with mental health issues I dont know what I would have done without my husbands or parents support at the darkest times. What qualities are you afraid will limit your ability to cope? When the children are babies its hard on parents physically due to exhaustion. As they get older that part is easier but there are other issues and challenges. What concerns you specifically? You cant really imagine how your world changes when you have kids until you have them. It will be important to have other resources and support for your husbands illness during the early years bcuz babies require so much care. Just some thoughts.

I have chronic pain as a result of a disabling back injury which would probably mean that I would end up on bed rest. But my partners illness means he isn't particularly good at emphasising with others so as to how it would go down

Please do not have children just to keep yourself from being lonely. I don't think that's fair to any potential babies, nor does having children guarantee you any future relationship when they're adults. You already sound like your hands are full, and you can't imagine how much time and dedication (and money) it takes to raise children well. Your chronic pain and his lack of empathy, and the resentment you anticipate: none of those make for a good foundation for a little one. If you really want children, it sounds like it would take a significant investment including marriage counseling to be ready to give them the love, time and security (emotional and physical) that they need. If you want support and company, invest in friendships, support groups, etc. and get an insurance plan that guarantees you good in-home care when/if you need it in your later years, as you mention that's a concern.

In addition to what Leah said, are you prepared to handle if you have a child with physical, psychological or emotional issues or illnesses? Do you work? If not how do you plan to afford the expenses and especially the unexpected expenses? If you do work, how will you handle childcare? Do you have other family to support you?

I'm married to a fairly supportive husband and I'm the breadwinner and very physically capable and make a decent living and having two young children is the hardest thing I have ever done. Before you have a child you think you know how you will handle certain issues, but when it comes to reality you really had no idea. Both of my children have very strong, yet different personalities. They are hilarious, brilliant, imaginative, stubborn, sassy and not afraid to challenge me. I go to work to get a break because they are exhausting and demanding. We also have a lot of fun and love in our household. But as they get older the challenges and worries change, but never go away.

Finances is not a worry, yes raising children is an expensive business but that's something we'd cope with.

As for those of you who take issue with the fact I want to be around/part of a family in my older years; it isn't a crime. I have a close relationship with my mother talking to her on the phone most evenings and I believe family is important so why is it an issue that I worry about not having that in later life ??

I'm not naive to the work, energy and emotional rollercoaster that having a child poses. That is why I'm taking the process of making the decision so seriously unlike one hell of a lot of people !

It's not an issue that you worry about it, but that you'd state your primary reason to have a child was to use them to fill your needs.

You should be there to fill theirs, not the other way around. I'm just not sure you're in a place to give as much as is needed based on the conflicts and issues you've shared as well as your husband's take on the issue and it seemed like you could have support and companionship other ways.

And if your nephews and nieces were put off, I think there's a good risk of that happening with a biological child too- if your husband's illness manifested enough to cause some rift, that's going to continue to be an issue I imagine, but that's really not so key a point to me as the one I made above, something to think about.

It isn't my Nieces and Nephews that have been put off as you have phrased it. In fact I do occasionally see them the problem that my siblings are ignorant about mental health illnesses believing that anyone suffering from them should be locked away from 'normal' people and worse than their ignorance is their unwillingness to listen or learn about the subject. My siblings have therefore with drawn any and all contact with myself, however if I'm visiting my parents on my own I see the kids when they're dumped on my parents.

Most people who have children do it to fulfil their own needs/wants . . .
If it was purely an act of selflessness more people would adopt as a first resort ! But years of evolution and preservation of the human species means we are drawn to pass on our genetic material !

The argument that any action is acceptable simply because others have taken that action is faulty, flawed logic. Just because something seems common to you doesn't make it inherently right or good, nor does being drawn to do something mean we must. Please don't abandon a moral compass because you're blinded by your fear of loneliness. You are raising a reasonable question: given all your issues and your husband's issues and reticence, is having children right for you- and really, I hope you would ask, is it right for *them*. The future's too unpredictable at any rate to bank on having the child and relationship for which you hope, as others have alluded. If you're willing to have a child to serve your needs, I hope you will invest in the marriage counseling and other work planning how you'll manage the labor-intensive care (physically intensive, emotionally intensive, financially intensive) needed given that you already deal with care-taking your husband and trying to manage your chronic pain, to prepare to give that child its best shot at a good life.

I have never, not even once, regretted having children. I deeply regret having had only two. Three, or even four, would have enriched my life. Being a mom comes naturally to me, and I love parenting.

True I have said that I don't want to be alone without family when I am in my twilight yrs, but that doesn't mean that if I do decide to have a child it is something sinister and immoral !!!

Things are not black and white !

There is no possible way I could write down every feeling, fear and reason for and against having a baby, but I thought I had chosen a place that is non judgemental to explore the question; and for those of you who have respected that thank you

I wouldn't bring a child into that!