[reina29]

This is probably a bad first post but I need advice...

I don't even know where to start. I have a five year old boy who was quite a surprise at his conception. The first couple of years, I loved being a mother. He was a great baby and a good toddler. At about three years old, he started having aggression issues and started lying and he just doesn't listen or respect anything that I or his stepfather says. He seems to listen better to grandparents and other authority figures. He also has issues in school - inattention, bullying, lack of concentration. Sometimes he also displays aggression towards the pets in our home. He never seems happy.

There is no way to sugarcoat this - sometimes I just don't want to be a mom. I rarely get pleasure from him anymore, the difficulties seem to outweigh the benefits. His real father is a drunk and has lost all rights. His stepfather doesn't know how to deal with children and mourns the loss of his independent, spontaneous lifestyle (we have been together almost two years now). I could never just leave him (my son), my guilt would plague me forever. However, I know I am not a good mother. I am always cross with him, I don't enjoy spending time with him. I am pretty sure all his behavioral problems are my fault. He would be much better off without me.

I am getting counseling for my son and may well get counseling for myself as well. I am currently recovering from knee surgery and can't drive and my husband doesn't want me to go to counseling in our small town because it is too small - he says he can't count on professionalism and confidentiality. So the next nearest counselor is seventy miles away. So it will be a couple weeks before I can start counseling for myself. For my son, they have a two week waiting list. Time is not exactly of the essence, I don't plan on doing anything stupid - I would just like to be working towards getting better and sooner rather than later.

Am I the only mother in the world who has a hard time being a mother? And not just once in awhile, but all the time?

[GrayNess]

I'm not a parent, however, I can say that when I was rather young, I had some similar traits as your son (not sure on the exact age they began). It ranged from cruelty to animals and people to doing whatever I wanted, laughing at teachers as they attempted to do the little routine of go to the corner as a punishment, etc... . I was bullied quite a lot, both at school and at home (parents were going in and out, so I stayed a lot with my grandmother who lived with us and things weren't always the best). I won't elaborate on what happened, not for my sake but for the sake of others. The main points to note is being called worthless, being called someone who will ruin their life and other lives because I'm so pathetic, being beaten up, etc... .

My concentration fluctuates, if it's certain subjects, I cannot focus on it much at all without wanting to do something else. However, if it's a topic I like, such as biology, neuroscience, psychology, etc..., I can focus very well (generally focus and study for hours on end), have a very good memory for the subjects I learn and I'd consider myself to be rather intelligent (19 years old, soon to be in 3rd year university).

Currently, the diagnosis is NPD, APD (anti-social), some schizoid traits but not the full disorder and schizophrenia. Doesn't mean your son will get APD or NPD later on.

[Sannah]

So you are in a negative cycle with your son? You can turn this around by spending positive time with him doing something with him. Children respond very well to positive attention.

[reina29]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So you are in a negative cycle with your son? You can turn this around by spending positive time with him doing something with him. Children respond very well to positive attention.

This is very good advice and I try regularly to do so. However, the minute I have to go do something else, he gets mad. He is happy when he has my complete attention but if I turn my attention elsewhere, he is instantly upset and throws a tantrum. He also tends to try and bully me during our play sessions. He likes to control them. If we are playing a game, he tells me all the rules and constantly gets upset with me when I don't do things exactly his way. If we are reading, he names the book and then instantly seems to stop paying attention or will tell me I am reading it wrong. (He is a kindergartner who reads at 3rd grade level and is in special classes at school.) I try really hard to give positive attention but I am so worn down by the negative things he does that I have no energy left and no will left in which to force myself to be positive.

I have a hard time sometimes too. Its normal.. don't feel bad! Raising a child is not all gold and hugs and kisses and i love you moms..

Im curious as to how you are reacting when he acts out. Do you lose your temper? Do you stay calm? Do you lash out? Do you just ignore him? Tell me more if you can about how you deal with his agression and his issues. Give me some examples if you can of a situation and how you deal with it. This should help me give you some advice from my not-so-humble opinion :P

I am an attachment parenter, so I guarantee i can give you some great ideas for bonding with your child - you are welcome to take whatever you like and apply it, and discard the rest if it doesn't apply. The better your bond with your little fellow the easier its going to be when you need to guide or discipline him. However, I have to make supper for my own little monkey right now, so beg pardon, but ill be back after supper to finish this post

Perhaps in the mean time if you get this you can type out some info I asked about, like the ways you deal with him and your reactions to his acting out. That would be most helpful

I have a nine year old friend with similiar issues. He is never like that to me, but heis aggressive towards well...pretty much everyone he doesn't consider his friend. I really think I'm too passive of a person to realy do much, but whenever he does start lashing out when I'm around I do make some efforts to stop, and ask him why he's doing what he is doing. Even though they are rarely helpful ("s/he's being a *****" doesn't really cut it as an explanation). I'm not his parent, or even his realative, so really I shouldn't even be concerned...but it really pains me to see him shoot himself in the foot with his mouth and his anger/agression issues as he barely has any friends, everybody except me who lives in the same area he does hates him. This isn't being said lightly, this one mom threatened to "call somebody" if he even looked or waved at her kids. His dad and sister are nice people (though on the irresponsible side) and ever since his mom left them to go to Albany o live with her boyfrind...over an hour away by the way, it just seems to make these issues worse. (I try helping him because I know I felt really angry and sad when my parents split up too) it's tough, I don't know what to do. I know I don't (and probably shouldn't) have to do anything but it's something I'm compelled to do.

[reina29]

Rainbowzz,

Typically when he lashes out it is an immediate withdrawal of privileges. Nothing else seemed to work - time out never works, it just serves to make him angrier and I don't spank or use physical punishment. Withdrawing privileges is hard though too. We are a non TV watching family, we don't have sugary snacks in the house and there aren't really many things to take away. I know how imperative it is to keep my cool when he loses his temper. I learned when he was four that me losing my temper just resulted in a screaming power match. So now I maintain my temper and tell him his punishment in a firm voice. It is hard, however, when he doesn't listen. By the fourth time of telling him something, my voice is raised because I am impatient and at my wit's end. He doesn't seem to be able to do anything without my direction, not even the simplest task. His teacher says he is the same at school.

He lied to me the other night about eating his vegetables and I saw his celery in the trash (I had walked away from the table). I gave him a second and third chance to tell me the truth and he still maintained the lie so I removed his legos from his room and cancelled his snacks for the week. He was upset at first but seems to be handling it ok now.

Kaika, I applaud you for being this young boy's friend. He needs friends. I think my son would be better off with more friends too. I wish he would stop bullying enough to make some.

Thanks for everyone's advice.

[Michah]

Sweetie, you are not a bad mother....you are doing what you can with the resources that you have, both for your son and yourself. If you were doing nothing or worse, encouraging the behaviour well, you would probably have to reassess.

Gosh, if I could count the times I wanted to run away. I was a single mother and mentally ill and i often felt that I was pure poison for my son. But i loved him more than life itself even if I wasn't the greatest parent and thats what got me through. I am impatient, intolerant and do not suffer fools gladly so we clash a bit sometimes because I have no idea how to "play". I do try to come down to his level. He is 14 now. I have gotten help for him at around the same age as your child. For different reasons but trauma nonetheless.

He is great kid. Smiles alot, has good friends, loves animals and has a strong environmental conscience. Some of my values have rubbed off onto him and the bad stuff, not so much. He teaches me how to be less angry!!

Your baby will be fine and don't beat yourself up that you have little tolerance........smile even if it is fake and discipline when you need to.......the geniune feelings will come back because fundamentally you love your little one unconditionally despite the anger or frustration you might feel. At the end of the day, what we fear is that our children are mirrors of ourselves........some of that is true but don't forget that they have their own personalities and processes. Get the help when you can and have faith......

You are good, loving mum........its all good.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by reina29

the minute I have to go do something else, he gets mad. He is happy when he has my complete attention but if I turn my attention elsewhere, he is instantly upset and throws a tantrum.

He also tends to try and bully me during our play sessions. He likes to control them. If we are playing a game, he tells me all the rules and constantly gets upset with me when I don't do things exactly his way.

If we are reading, he names the book and then instantly seems to stop paying attention or will tell me I am reading it wrong.

I try really hard to give positive attention but I am so worn down by the negative things he does that I have no energy left and no will left in which to force myself to be positive.

Originally Posted by reina29

Typically when he lashes out it is an immediate withdrawal of privileges. Nothing else seemed to work - time out never works, it just serves to make him angrier and I don't spank or use physical punishment. Withdrawing privileges is hard though too.

He doesn't seem to be able to do anything without my direction, not even the simplest task. His teacher says he is the same at school.

He lied to me the other night about eating his vegetables and I saw his celery in the trash (I had walked away from the table). I gave him a second and third chance to tell me the truth and he still maintained the lie so I removed his legos from his room and cancelled his snacks for the week. He was upset at first but seems to be handling it ok now.

I tend to lean toward understanding rather than punishing. I look at raising a child as helping him/her to develop. Everything that I do with my children has that overarching goal. I think children do every behavior for a reason. I try to figure out what is going on with them.

When you say that he can't do anything without your direction it makes me wonder if he has enough autonomy or if you give him direction on how to do everything?

I also thought that he is copying someone when he is being bossy playing with you. Is he copying someone? From raising my girls I realized that they learned almost everything from me.

My first thought when he gets upset when he loses your attention is that he isn't getting enough of it. I am sorry that it is so difficult for you!

How was your childhood with your parents?

[uglykidjoe]

I too feel exactly the same way as you do. I have a three-year-old daughter who has temper tanturms when I tell her that she can't have or do certain things. She screams at the top of her lungs, throws things, etc. I too enjoyed her while she was an infant but once she hit three, everything changed. I'm a single mom and I suffer depression big time. Her father is a good for nothing, selfish, drug user. I made the biggest mistake of going with him. I also get very frustrated when my daughter acts this way. Sometimes I want to hit her or worse then I have to give myself a breather to calm down. I think most of this anger is also towards he dad as well because I hate him so damn much.

I also noticed that when she is with other family members, she doesn't misbehave like she does with me. She is excellent with my mom. But no sooner my mom and I are together, that is when she acts up. I wind up getting mad at her and in the process, my mom fusses at me, defending her, which I think adds on to the way my daughter acts. It's like my daughter turns my mom against me. And believe me, I feel more depressed afterwards. Sounds like your son and my daughter have alot in common even though they are not the same age.

I also read someone else's post about being a single mom and feeling like you weren't good enough for you kid and that he deserves better. I to also feel this way alot. I feel like a bad parent that is not even stable enough to take care of a child because of my mental illness and my medication I have to take. I think that everyone will make fun of her and tell her that her mommy is crazy, etc.

WOW!! This posting really hit home because I thought I was the only one who felt this way about being a parent. I feel alot better knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way about my kid.

[Sannah]

UKJ, don't give in to those tantrums! I wonder if your daughter senses something when you and your mom are together?

[reina29]

Sannah,

My childhood was terrible. I had an abusive older brother, a neglectful and depressed mother and an alcoholic father. My parents did not know anything but physical punishment. So, I have no role models to follow and did not learn good parenting in my home. My husband on the other hand, my son's stepfather, had a wonderful mother and father and a great childhood. He has helped me to be more patient and more understanding but he said he respected his parents because he loved them so much. I respected my parents because I feared them. DS doesn't seem like he loves or fears us (I don't want him to fear us but I'm making a point here.) How else do you teach respect? I respect him and always try to treat him like an adult and not like a child, at least I think I do.

I really try to give him his autonomy and teach him independence but I have issues with compulsive/obsessive worrying as well. I often find myself saying "Don't do that..." because I am worried he will hurt himself or break something or...blah blah. I can't stop worrying, I have tried. So he might take a lot of that as needing direction. Sometimes I feel like I should walk around with a gag in my mouth and I would be a much better mother. With everyone else, I can monitor what I am saying and think twice. With him its so hard for some reason. I just blurt out whatever comes to mind.

As for modeling, I really don't know. Neither my husband or I are very good at being playful with him. I don't know how to play with a kid, I grew up at a very young age. And he has no brothers or sisters and no friends either really.

Uglykidjoe,

We are not the only ones. I have googled it and there are a lot of moms out there at their wit's end. I can say with some positivity that my son's temper tantrums have improved greatly since last year when his father left. He used to hit and bite and punch and kick and leave me bruised and bloodied. He no longer does that. Its ok to admit that its hard. Its also not good that your mother is defending her. Adults need to show a unified front, at least I think so. But then I obviously don't know much. Good luck.

[Sannah]

Reina, I just quickly wanted to give you some hugs while I work on a reply

[Sannah]

Reina, your honesty is wonderful! I am sorry that you didn't get the upbringing that you deserved. I lacked in that department too!

Yes, I can see how your OCD would limit his ability to act on his own. Can you look at him as a child who needs to develop in his own way? Autonomy is so important. He needs to figure out how to interact in his world and if he is holding back because he is getting too much direction from you this will affect him. He needs to learn how to do things on his own as his level of development allows him. This is also tying in, in my mind to his controllingness while you play. He did learn this from you it sounds like. This might also tie into the respect issue. When you overdirect him this is violating his boundaries and this isn't respectful. He really will respect you when you really respect him. Respecting him would be really seeing him for who he really is. You might see his irritating parts and when you respond to him in a punishing way he sees this as not respecting who he really is and what he really needs. I had to learn how to really respect my children too.

You can learn to play. I had to learn this too! I recovered from anxiety BTW...........

Are you in treatment for your OCD?

[reina29]

Sannah,

Actually I never really considered that I might have OCD although I did take the quiz here and it says I do. I don't do anything compulsive, its just really the obsessions, and then those don't really overwhelm me unless I am around him. I just thought I was an overly worried and anxious mom. I can see what you are saying about my millions of directions infringing upon his respect. I never looked at it that way. Thanks for replying, you've made me realize something I had never even thought of.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by reina29

I have issues with compulsive/obsessive worrying as well.

I saw this and "assumed" you had OCD!

So glad that my post made you think!

[skeeweeaka]

I perhaps found this topic today because I needed it! I'm struggling with my 13 year old daughter and feel most of the time like I'm getting it all wrong. Even though I've struggled greatly over the years with depression, psychosis, and mood swings, she seemed to turn out fairly well I thought. I know that because of my history I have not been the greatest parent and unfortunatley her father has not been around that much and has his own struggles. He's been living with us now for the past 10 months but doesn't contribute financially to the household, which was our original agreement, and so I become frustrated, yell, act out, and respond negatively which is wrong and she obviously objects to. I'm sure it has taken its toll on her! It doesn't help that he undermines me at every turn so I know that is a different set of issues that I am trying to resolve.

I, too, never really learned how to play because I had to be an adult at an early age. I, too, never learned what proper discipline was and have made many mistakes in that area. Her father, however, had a different upbringing and seemingly represents a softer side and she, therefore, gravitates to him and that softer side.

I remember reading a post on here lately about letting go of guilt and shame and so I'm trying to do that. In the meantime, I have a daughter who seemingly has no respect for me and I'm sure that is all my fault. She seems to be challenging me in all areas of her life and pushing me away at the same time. There are days when I can handle that, and then there are days when I take it very personally and sink further into depressioin. I have tried counseling but she will not open up to the counselors. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I try to talk to her about things but she is just distant or looks at her father and rolls her eyes... I try to get her to play games or something and she refuses. It seems that the only time that she is interested in talking to me is when she wants some money for something, wants to go to the store, or wants something to eat, other than that I cannot seem to reach her.

Her grades have been dropping, she is lying a lot about schoolwork and things, and has been getting detentions. It seems to be a cycle that no amount of taking away priviledges can stop. I wish that I could reach her and I want to be a better parent but am unsure as to what my next steps should be.

Thank you for the post because you are not a bad mother, but a concerned one. I only wish I had the parenting skills that you have.

TJ

[uglykidjoe]

Reina29

It sounds like we both have some similar things in common. My parents too only used physical punishment as well. My dad was an alcoholic and he and my mom divorced when I was very young like five years old. I guess since my parents yelled at me as I was growing up, I too do it to my daughter because I don't know any other way to discipline her. Sometimes she obeys me but most of the time, she doesn't. I really hate it when my mom jumps in when I'm trying to tell her right. It's as if I'm not allowed to discipline my own child. Everything I tell her, my mom butts in with a comment like, "Leave her alone, she's not doing anything." "Let her play in the water, I don't care." etc. But the comment she uses the most is, "You were the same way when you were that age."
As if that's gonna help me. She even admits we got our asses whipped as kids, but however, she refused to spank her grandchildren and says they can do what they want. That just makes me feel worse about myself. Sometimes I feel my family cares more about my daughter than they do about me. Do you ever feel that way?

[Sannah]

UKJ, so your mom interferes in front of your child? If so, this really is interference and boundary crossing..........

[uglykidjoe]

Sannah

Yes, I'm afraid so. I don't know if my mom is trying to turn my daughter against me or what. But everytime she interferes, it causes my daughter to act up even more and she totally ignores me. If she so ever screams or cries, my mom fusses at me saying, "What did you do to her?" "Leave her alone." etc. I don't think this is fair to me at all. I agree with you, it is crossing boundaries.

[Sannah]

So what can be done about it?