Confusion, disphoria, and relation. (Venting)

Maybe this should go in the "relations" part of the forum... But it's also related to disphoria and I'm more comfortable here... Also hi! Long time no be here eh?

Before I get this rant started, il just explain that I live withy aunt and uncle because... Complicated past with parents............. Moving on...

Oh and also bare in mind that I'm still in the closet with family.

I'm starting to question me being trans... Like sure being a guy sucks for me and I'd much rather be a girl, but my life seems to be getting better. My career in voice acting is taking off, I have a love interest (we like each other but aren't ready for a "relationship"; at least she isn't.) and some other good things... I do really want a career in voice over, but I'd half to keep my voice the way it is and my regular voice is low; it's hard to maintain a good female sounding voice. But then my disphoria kicks in and... I wish, I get depressed, I cry, and dwell on my past and get pissed...
Right now, I'm pissed at my guardians. My uncle is literally retarded and just dosnt know... What.... Anything is really. He'll often talk to me about things... Things that get my disphoria going. my aunt is a BEE EYE TEE SEA ACH. And here's why...
So the girl that I mentioned earlier, we may be interested but we are still just friends. But for some reason my aunt disapproves of our friendship. I've tried to explain to her that we are just friends, but she just won't listen. It's been a month or two of my aunt ALWAYS annoying me whenever I leave the house asking me if I'm meeting anyone... The girl specifically. And it's really getting ****ing annoying.
TODAY, I was going to hang out with a bunch of friends. As I was going, my aunt asked me if that girl was going to be there. I didn't know... Then she said... That I should stay away from her because it's inappropriate for a guy my age to be hanging out with girls her age. (1.5 year difference... I don't think it's a big deal) she also said that she talked to her saying the same. So my aunt is trying to keep me from my friends..... I don't think it was that long ago when she said that I should make friends... Anyways, 1. She triggered a huge spike of disphoria that I just stopped crying about... 2. She's invading my life.
I just don't know what to do about this. It's so full of ******** that I just don't know what to do...
And I'm also questioning me being trans...

Well thanks for letting me rant/vent/rage... Whatever you want to call it...

Hey doppeling,

I'm happy for you that things are working out well for you in some areas of your life

Your aunt sounds really manipulative - I'm sorry that you have to put up with that

As for questioning whether you're trans - you may have heard this from us before here, but only you can decide if you are trans or not. How I feel about myself and my gender has undergone some changes over time. I also feel more or less trans depending on how bad the dysphoria is, I think.
I believe the only thing that matters is trying to stay true to yourself. It's ok to feel more or less trans, or decide your cis, but it has to be how YOU feel about it. Don't let others take the decision for you, and try not to deny your feelings. I did that much to long and nothing good has come of it.

Lastly, sexual orientation and gender identity are two different pairs of shoes. I'm ftm but attracted to guys.

Dysphoria is never constant for me. As for questioning whether you're trans or not, you can't be 100% sure, but then there are people who think they're doing OK, and then find someone and go on to marry them but their dysphoria gets more intense after marriage, and they either have to hide to save the relationship or risk it by coming out.

Maybe you found the right person and the right job, but you haven't figured other things out, like your personal life, and that's when you'll feel like trans again... who knows?

maybe a gender therapist will help you sort it out, but maybe you've tried that already, apologies in that case.

Hello Doppeling: I'm sorry to learn of your difficulties. I don't know how old you are. But if you have guardians, I presume you must still be a minor. As such, there's probably not much you can do about your difficulties with your aunt other than to try to find some common ground between what she wants & what you want. Once you're on your own, you'll be able to do as you please. I think the problems you're having with your aunt are not significantly different than any young person has with parents, or in this case, guardians. Perhaps others will have more specific suggestions for you with regard to this.

What I wanted to focus on more was the question about being trans. And basically what I want to say is: if a person is truly transsexual, it does not go away, no way, no how. At least this is my belief based on my own life experience & all of the reading I've done, etc. So I was struck by your statement: "I'm starting to question me being trans... Like sure being a guy sucks for me and I'd much rather be a girl, but my life seems to be getting better." And it's not the fact that you're questioning that caught my attention. All of us "trannies" question ourselves over-&-over. That's just part of the game.

The reason that sentence caught my eye is out of concern for where you might be headed, so to speak. Of course, as I'm sure you're aware, there is no test for transsexuality. Each one of us has to decide in our own minds whether or not we are or are not. And this decision-making process is complicated further by the fact that the "transsexual imperative" (the urge to transition, if you will) is stronger in some trans individuals than it is in others. Not every trans person feels the same amount of urgency. So, where one trans person might be satisfied to wear underwear of the "opposite gender", another person might not be satisfied until s/he had transitioned fully & completely. So you not only have to decide if you're transsexual. But you also have to figure out how far you have to go, so to speak, in order to satisfy your own personal "imperative".

So when you write: being a guy sucks & you'd rather be a girl, it causes me to want to say to you, ultimately, if you're truly transsexual, you don't have a choice. The only questions are: how far into transition must you go in order to satisfy your own personal transsexual imperative, & how long will it take before you get to the point where you must do something. Does that make sense? Now I do also know many transsexual individuals experience periods in their lives when they feel less compelled to transition. Sometimes they come to believe they've beaten it. This is why you have transsexual individuals who are married & have children who, later on, find that they must transition. They perhaps thought getting married & having children, would cure them. But it doesn't. Sooner or later it comes back stronger than ever. And sooner or later we all find that we have to do something to appease the inner storm.

Now, I hope it does not sound like I'm trying to tell you what to do. This is something you must figure out for yourself, of course. But I wanted to raise a red flag here. If you are truly transsexual (& only you can know for sure) even if now your current life circumstances are such that you question yourself, somewhere down the road sooner or later, your transsexual imperative will rise up like a storm on the sea. So, simply give this allot of thought & whatever time you need in order to figure it out, to the extent you can. Because, once again, if you're truly trans, you're trans for life, It does not go away.

You know... Your right skeezyks... After some much needed thinking, I am trans. I guess when I think about the future, other than getting paranoid from some light chronophobia, I guess that's something that could happen. It's very likely. But to as far I will go, I have no idea... I want to be looked at as a gal and feel like one, but at the same Time I don't want to be "artificial." But then Il feel like il take what I can get, but then I think of the down perks...

Like... I feel like I want to transition. But I fear that it won't be enough to make me happy, and or make things worse. I still have memories from my past, I never experienced growing up, I won't be able to have kids of my own, and a few other things that i just fear won't satisfy me... Also the money needed... Uhg... Money...
Well... I guess the best option for me is to let time do it's thing. School starts, some possible jobs may come my way, and friends are to be descovered! And yet I fear the future...

Doppeling, what you say about not wanting to feel artificial is such a great way of putting it. Hits the nail on the head. I can very much relate to this.

I think what I'll have to learn is to take things slowly, step by step. I would like to transition like "right now", but I know it's not possible and there will be too much collateral damage - on my environment as much as on myself.

All I want to say is, please don't deny who you are for the sake of current circumstances. Don't repress your knowledge of being trans, allow yourself to explore it. We will always pay a price for this, but there's much to be gained too.

For me this will include coming out to more people as a first step. I'm lucky to have friends who I know will be accepting and to live in a country where, while there is discrimination for sure, being trans is more or less accepted. So I will take advantage of this.

Hi Doppeling: Yes, you are spot on. I have known (via YouTube) a few trans individuals who just knew what they wanted & went out & made it happen almost all at once. But, for most of us, it's a process. First do one thing, see how it feels, then do another, etc.

I know what you mean about the possibility of feeling artificial. I've thought about this as well. I always wanted the full female experience. So, for me, transition has seemed like something of a consolation prize, if you will. Perhaps this is at least part of the reason I never pursued it earlier in life. I don't know. I do know, though, from my current vantage point as an aging non-transitioned tranny , had I been aware of the possibility of transition, & realized how much damage not transitioning would do, I would have run toward it. But, of course, you're correct. It can be an expensive proposition. There are no easy solutions.

Good luck with school & those job prospects!

Hi Kraken: I just wanted to comment, with regard to the idea of transitioning "right now"! I sometimes entertain this fantasy where I transition all at once!

As you may be aware, Thailand is a mecca for trans individuals who wish to transition. Thailand was never colonized by the west. And so they have a long unbroken tradition of the acceptance of transgendered persons. And, as a result, they have developed a thriving medical practice related to transition. From what I know of it, they're highly skilled. The costs are also much less than they would be, in the U.S. at least.

So, anyway, my fantasy is: I fly over to Thailand & I have them do all of the surgeries I would need, all at once!!! I get FFS, breast implants, & SRS all at the same time! And, hey, if it's all too much for my old carcass & I die on the operating table, oh well, at least I gave it my best shot! Ah-h-h... the dreams of an old tranny!

WHAT!!! clearly i must do more research, but... WHAT!!! THAILAND!?!?!?!? MY HOME COUNTRY!?!?!?! WHAT!?!?!? WHAT!?!?!?!?!?

wow... thats something i didnt know... guess i should pay my mom and grand parents a visit XD