[LUTE20]

Is this odd. Like if I have a son I feel like idk if I'd be a good role model. I feel like I'm not really male in that sense. I have always been more comfortable with girl friends than boy friends. I used to align quite well with straight females basically. As a child for one my mom always wanted me to be a girl. Like you'd have thought I was a girl 10 and under. I did things socially generals female children did. Only thing I didn't do was wear dresses. I was much of the time confused for being a girl. I didn't really mind or care until I got teased for it. 11-15 all my friends were all straight ultra feminine girls. I socially was considered just a feminine gay boy back then. I liked longer hair and make up get my nails done nice boots etc. I socialize a lot like females did seemingly but it's all I ever really knew. I kept to myself mostly most of my friends are from elementary school. I kept my friends close long term. I had one guy friend but he was just an acquaintance until I was an older teen. I was always more comfortable with girls. I felt like that's what I was but I never really was uncomfortable about going into puberty. It's always been hard to connect with guys in any other way. I felt like they were so foreign. My relationships were always quick. But I've always felt alien among other guys. I was attracted to guys sexually but actually in the same sense my gfs were. I never saw the relationships with guys as a same sex relationship. I did sorta with women not like in a bad way or anything. I was always bisexual just like my perception is weird. I always saw myself more like my gfs only with a different body but mentally the same thing. My present gf I have had a 5 year relationship not dating and most of it I always saw my attraction and romantic feelings as lesbian not straight. I have never really identified as male. I don't really like being called a man. Maybe I just need to grow up? I mean he was never the worst thing to be called. I like prefer the name Naomi than my real name and female pronouns I would prefer to be seen as socially a woman like I feel more comfortable day to day. In relationships I was always the "girl" even in "straight" relationships. I would even online say I was female which sucked because I developed a relationship with a guy who thought I was girl. We met up. I decided to try to crossdress. It worked that time but I felt extremely weird. I don't like female clothing or like a female body shape. The idea of having one. I like being skinny. Being tall. I like having a penis. But it's just a part of me. I don't really see why my mind being one gender would make me have to change my body. My girlfriend and I are expecting our first son or daughter. I don't really like this. I mean I want my baby but I don't like the idea of becoming a dad... I don't know if I could really be a good male role model when I don't even know what a man really is. I don't identify as a man. I feel like just me. Day to day I have qualities people would call androgynous/down right effeminate. I am not a normal man. I buy much of my accessories and clothing from the woman's department. Also during puberty I grew breasts really small ones. It happens to a lot of guys. But I was sad when I lost them. I am stereotypically more feminine than my gf I tend to like more androgynous or even butch girls sometimes people think we're a lesbian couple. I feel like my gender identity is coming up more now than ever because of us starting a family.

Anyhow is this just because I never was really familiar with males or am I transgender of some type?

Also Idk if this is odd but I always would say things that applied to females to describe myself.

[eskielover]

This information on research may give you some more information to answer your questions.

Being homosexual is only partly due to gay gene, research finds - Telegraph

Just wondering....you yourself didn't have a male role model to guide you? It probably doesn't always make a difference....but the more the broken homes that we have & the more dysfunctional families are becoming......I am sure that is part of that 60% that has the larger influence......it's usually the mothers that end up with the kids in the broken homes.....so it doesn't surprise me where the most influence comes from......but it's a very large picture that goes into the determination....not just gene's that's only 40% according to research.

Interesting for me, I was an only child with a normal family life (even though it was very dysfunctional in many other ways because of my mother's insecurities because of her vision problem).....but I grew up in a neighborhood of mostly all guys. I would have rather been outside playing baseball or football in the street with the guys than in the house playing dolls or playing house with the few girls in the neighborhood. My whole life I never related to the conversations of women...all they could talk about were their kids & cooking & their house......I always thought....geeze..."get a life" & I definitely wanted to be NOTHING like my mother.....but I also had no desire to be like my father either as he embarrased me to death because he had no ability to have a reasonable conversation with anyone......both my parents has serious social issues.....while I was just trying to be a NORMAL kid who had no idea what normal really was. Guys just always did more interesting things IMO than girls......so my challenges in school were always against the guys.....& my career ended up being in the male dominated aerospace industry where I was one of the few women firmware engineers at the companies I worked at for 15 years. I played racquettball with the guys because the girls....well, they played like girls & weren't the challenge that I really wanted. I was the girl always attracted to the guys....but I was also attracted to them not only as friends.....but also as BF's & I never saw myself as being a guy it was mostly that I just had the interests & enjoyed competing with the guys because I liked the challenge...it was so much greater.....& I just never had the interests of kids & family & home like most women were after in my day & age. I got married & had our daughter....but honestly, I never had the bond to our daughter that most women say they have with their babies....but I would never say that I identify as a male......I'm just me who likes who I like & chooses to be with the people who interest me.....& I just don't care to tie it with anything of a sexual nature.....I am what I am & it usually doesn't fit into any category.....& I really don't care!!!!

Hope you can sort out all your feelings.......having a child out of marriage in NOT a good way to begin a family life in the first place even though everyone is doing it now......just look at all the problems that everyone is having now more so as the family base is basically disintegrating around us. I don't think that is doing anyone any favors.....& it's definitely leaving a lot of kids messed up not knowing what to think with no good role models to follow.

[LUTE20]

I'm not really gay. I like men and women. I have a gf and we're having our first child. I have never seen myself as gay at all. I've never minded kissing girls when I was younger. I did only date guys for a time. But girls were always an option. I realized actually I wanted to live with a woman. And my relationships tend to actually be more meaningful with women and longer lasting. With guys it's just sex and dating. But never had long relationships where I felt I had fallen for a guy. I tend to actually get with older guys who have more money than I do with women. The dynamic of my gay relationships were always different emotionally like I needed them in a way that I later regretted. My straight relationships tended to be more pleasurable and easier to manage.

No my dad sexually assaulted my mother so I never knew him and my mom was a loner so she was mainly the only adult I grew up around and her family which was her mom and sister. So most of my upbringing fem

Originally Posted by eskielover

This information on research may give you some more information to answer your questions.


Just wondering....you yourself didn't have a male role model to guide you? It probably doesn't always make a difference....but the more the broken homes that we have & the more dysfunctional families are becoming......I am sure that is part of that 60% that has the larger influence......it's usually the mothers that end up with the kids in the broken homes.....so it doesn't surprise me where the most influence comes from......but it's a very large picture that goes into the determination....not just gene's that's only 40% according to research.

Interesting for me, I was an only child with a normal family life (even though it was very dysfunctional in many other ways because of my mother's insecurities because of her vision problem).....but I grew up in a neighborhood of mostly all guys. I would have rather been outside playing baseball or football in the street with the guys than in the house playing dolls or playing house with the few girls in the neighborhood. My whole life I never related to the conversations of women...all they could talk about were their kids & cooking & their house......I always thought....geeze..."get a life" & I definitely wanted to be NOTHING like my mother.....but I also had no desire to be like my father either as he embarrased me to death because he had no ability to have a reasonable conversation with anyone......both my parents has serious social issues.....while I was just trying to be a NORMAL kid who had no idea what normal really was. Guys just always did more interesting things IMO than girls......so my challenges in school were always against the guys.....& my career ended up being in the male dominated aerospace industry where I was one of the few women firmware engineers at the companies I worked at for 15 years. I played racquettball with the guys because the girls....well, they played like girls & weren't the challenge that I really wanted. I was the girl always attracted to the guys....but I was also attracted to them not only as friends.....but also as BF's & I never saw myself as being a guy it was mostly that I just had the interests & enjoyed competing with the guys because I liked the challenge...it was so much greater.....& I just never had the interests of kids & family & home like most women were after in my day & age. I got married & had our daughter....but honestly, I never had the bond to our daughter that most women say they have with their babies....but I would never say that I identify as a male......I'm just me who likes who I like & chooses to be with the people who interest me.....& I just don't care to tie it with anything of a sexual nature.....I am what I am & it usually doesn't fit into any category.....& I really don't care!!!!

Hope you can sort out all your feelings.......having a child out of marriage in NOT a good way to begin a family life in the first place even though everyone is doing it now......just look at all the problems that everyone is having now more so as the family base is basically disintegrating around us. I don't think that is doing anyone any favors.....& it's definitely leaving a lot of kids messed up not knowing what to think with no good role models to follow.

I don't really believe in marriage tbh. I have a good job own my own home. I'm good as it is. I'm academically more like a guy than a girl in the areas I do better at statistically. So my occupation is a mix rather than expected.

For me this wasn't really sexually based. Or anything to do with my sexuality. I was just saying my gender identity. I feel like a female in outlook but I don't really want to have a female body basically I was wondering if it was a nurture problem if I could change it going to therapy?

[kraken1851]

Hey LUTE20,
I can relate - I have a female body but don't identify as a woman. There are some characteristics of this body that I would like to change to make it more androgynous, but I wouldn't want to transition into a male body. From what you write I'd say, yes, you sound like someone who could be on the trans*/genderqueer spectrum - but then those labels (as helpful as they can be sometimes) don't matter much I think, because gender and sexuality come in so many different "shapes" and sizes, and are very fluid.

Personally I think that your child needs to be loved by you, that's the most important thing. And they can only benefit from growing up having someone as a role model who is not obsessed with (and subverts) CISness. Your child will have a chance to grow up not being scared to explore and define their gender as they choose, rather than have it defined for them by the heteronormative matrix. In my opinion, this is so much more valuable and important than learning how "real men/women" behave. Because there is no such thing!

[LUTE20]

I don't really want to change anything about my body besides that I don't want to be big. I don't like being easy to build muscles. I just socially don't really socialize or feel like a man.

Originally Posted by kraken1851

Hey LUTE20,
I can relate - I have a female body but don't identify as a woman. There are some characteristics of this body that I would like to change to make it more androgynous, but I wouldn't want to transition into a male body. From what you write I'd say, yes, you sound like someone who could be on the trans*/genderqueer spectrum - but then those labels (as helpful as they can be sometimes) don't matter much I think, because gender and sexuality come in so many different "shapes" and sizes, and are very fluid.

Personally I think that your child needs to be loved by you, that's the most important thing. And they can only benefit from growing up having someone as a role model who is not obsessed with (and subverts) CISness. Your child will have a chance to grow up not being scared to explore and define their gender as they choose, rather than have it defined for them by the heteronormative matrix. In my opinion, this is so much more valuable and important than learning how "real men/women" behave. Because there is no such thing!

Yeah I know I just don't want to be dad really. Creeps me out. Like I said I prefer the female role.

[MotownJohnny]

Lute20, I'm a straight man. My father was a closeted cross-dresser, among other things. Very abusive towards me, always ridiculed me and said that I wasn't masculine enough - it was, of course, pure projection on his part. He was a horrible, nasty brute. I can only speculate about what made him that way - he was very messed up, I do not honestly know if gender identity or sexual orientation was part of the mix or not, I always felt he was probably the victim of sexual abuse by his mother - she was weird, they had a very, very strange dynamic together that seemed very inappropriate to me.

So, I lacked for a male role model. And, when I sit and really think about things, I come to the conclusion that ... it wasn't the lack of a MALE figure that was the problem, it was the lack of a loving, supportive PARENT figure that was the problem. He was little more to me than a tyrant, bully, and a figure who brought me nothing but grief and shame and despair when I had done nothing wrong and did not deserve to be treated like that.

You sound so worried about not being masculine enough, especially if your child is a boy. Forget about that -- kids grow up in all kinds of households these days. Lesbian couples raise boys and girls, and there isn't a man in the house. Gay men who raise kids may or may not be "masculine" by society's standards. WHO CARES? Be yourself, love your child, do what you know how to do and are comfortable doing. You will be a far better role model just being yourself, and teaching your child through that example the lesson that we are all made perfectly, just the way we are, than if you try to become someone you aren't. If you aren't comfortable doing some certain activity with your son ... or daughter ... well, you wouldn't be the first person in history who sucks at softball or soccer or whatever ... gay/straight, trans/cis has nada to do with that, it's just life ... if you can't do a particular thing, maybe your girlfriend can, or a relative, friend, or parent of your child's friend, or whoever.

Be yourself, don't sweat it or overthink it, treat the kid well, teach him or her your values and beliefs and to be a good person, and that is ALL you need to do to be a successful parent.

[TheSeamster]

Perhaps a more genderqueer or non-binary gender would suit you? You sound more feminine and prefer feminine roles and things, but don't really want to change anything about yourself. Your description sounds similar to a demigirl, or other fem non-binary.

Just an idea to consider. Remember that only you can decide who you are uwu

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by TheSeamster

Perhaps a more genderqueer or non-binary gender would suit you? You sound more feminine and prefer feminine roles and things, but don't really want to change anything about yourself. Your description sounds similar to a demigirl, or other fem non-binary.

Just an idea to consider. Remember that only you can decide who you are uwu

Yeah I have heard the term demi girl and thought it fit how I see myself.

Hi Lute20: I just want to echo what Motown Johnny wrote. Kids are resilient. They grow up in all sorts of different types of households. The important thing is that you love them & accept them unconditionally. I know it probably seems scary to think of becoming a father. But it sounds like, from what I read, it's coming ready-or-not! So try your best to relax & enjoy this time. It will go by all too quickly. You're going to do JUST FINE!

P.S. I'm in my 60's. And I still haven't figured out how to be a man!

[LUTE20]

I'm sorry about your personal experience with having an abusive father.

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Lute20, I'm a straight man. My father was a closeted cross-dresser, among other things. Very abusive towards me, always ridiculed me and said that I wasn't masculine enough - it was, of course, pure projection on his part. He was a horrible, nasty brute. I can only speculate about what made him that way - he was very messed up, I do not honestly know if gender identity or sexual orientation was part of the mix or not, I always felt he was probably the victim of sexual abuse by his mother - she was weird, they had a very, very strange dynamic together that seemed very inappropriate to me.

So, I lacked for a male role model. And, when I sit and really think about things, I come to the conclusion that ... it wasn't the lack of a MALE figure that was the problem, it was the lack of a loving, supportive PARENT figure that was the problem. He was little more to me than a tyrant, bully, and a figure who brought me nothing but grief and shame and despair when I had done nothing wrong and did not deserve to be treated like that.

You sound so worried about not being masculine enough, especially if your child is a boy. Forget about that -- kids grow up in all kinds of households these days. Lesbian couples raise boys and girls, and there isn't a man in the house. Gay men who raise kids may or may not be "masculine" by society's standards. WHO CARES? Be yourself, love your child, do what you know how to do and are comfortable doing. You will be a far better role model just being yourself, and teaching your child through that example the lesson that we are all made perfectly, just the way we are, than if you try to become someone you aren't. If you aren't comfortable doing some certain activity with your son ... or daughter ... well, you wouldn't be the first person in history who sucks at softball or soccer or whatever ... gay/straight, trans/cis has nada to do with that, it's just life ... if you can't do a particular thing, maybe your girlfriend can, or a relative, friend, or parent of your child's friend, or whoever.

Be yourself, don't sweat it or overthink it, treat the kid well, teach him or her your values and beliefs and to be a good person, and that is ALL you need to do to be a successful parent.

well it turns out that my gf also feels male (more than I see myself to be female she may or may not transition later on idk) idk if it's just the hormones due to being pregnant or not though. But I guess either way this is going to be a bit untraditional. And overall I don't really want to focus on that. I love the family that I have whether it's what's consider traditional or not.

It could have been the way you were raised. However, I do not think your transgender, just very girlish in your mannerisms. Also, being bi is totally different than being purely gay. I have had a couple of male friends who were bi and a bunch more girls I know are. They all seem entirely different than gay people and most of them pretty much are into the opposite sex far more than the same sex, it seems that they (at least all the people I have known who said they were bi) usually just from time to time dabble with same-sex activities. So, even though they say being gay is hardwired, I don't think you were necessarily hard wired this way. Maybe the environment was a big contributor.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by Steve223

It could have been the way you were raised. However, I do not think your transgender, just very girlish in your mannerisms. Also, being bi is totally different than being purely gay. I have had a couple of male friends who were bi and a bunch more girls I know are. They all seem entirely different than gay people and most of them pretty much are into the opposite sex far more than the same sex, it seems that they (at least all the people I have known who said they were bi) usually just from time to time dabble with same-sex activities. So, even though they say being gay is hardwired, I don't think you were necessarily hard wired this way. Maybe the environment was a big contributor.

I'm not bisexual like that. I was socially gay in high school. I would kiss girls. But I was pretty boy crazy. And I like guys sexually actually more. I like penises way more. I find men more attractive more of the time sexually. But I will be with either sex if the opportunity comes to it. I like relationships with women more and I don't like **** sex some guys need it and I am just not sexually compatible to that. But there are many guys that are into frottage like myself in the sexual sense I prefer men hands down. But I'd rather settle down with a girl and all my gfs last longer than my bfs do really. So I'm truly bi like equally no preference really overall because there are drawbacks and plusses. What you described sounds heteroflexible to me.

Idk what that though has to do with identity though my gf is straight well likes men and identifies as male more than I do female at this moment. So sexuality is a separate thing from this. But I agree I do see myself as how society sees me as overly feminine but still male not even a crossdresser since I love jeans.

[TheSquids]

Sounds like your a demigirl.