Told my friend I have intrusive thoughts, she calls me a secret serial killer

I have been very jumpy lately and very attached to my obsessive compulsions to help soothe some of my anxiety which has been going mad lately. My friend, one of the two I have, asked me to please explain what is going on and how she can help. I said I was, and have been having, extremely disturbing intrusive thoughts. She wanted to know more.

Lately it has been "I can walk into traffic" "I can push someone into traffic" "Maybe I will take a walk and die in a field from the cold", etc. She looked concerned, then shocked, then repulsed. Saying "That's not OCD. You sound like a soon to be serial killer."

My friend has OCD. But she refuses to understand it isn't just about physical compulsions. It has to do with compulsive and impulsive thinking. I got really upset and got my car keys to leave because I wont stand being called a serial killer. And she said that I need to do more research because that isn't OCD and she hopes I get the help I need, meaning being institutionalized, as soon as possible.

I feel disgusted and angry. JUST HOW THESE THOUGHTS MAKE ME FEEL ALWAYS.

I hate my brain so much.

I'm sorry you feel like that and that your friend wasn't the most understanding. Try not to make this create a downward spiral of bad thoughts. From what I've seen, you certainly don't seem like a serial killer.

I'm honestly really sorry that this happened; in my opinion, no one deserves to be invalidated like that, especially from someone you call a friend. However, I totally applaud your courage at being able to tell a friend--that's wayyyy ahead of the point I'm at now, and takes an incredible amount of strength. Kudos to you

Serial killers generally have no remorse for their actions or their thoughts. You've clearly shown some emotional disturbance from the way she reacted.
I get those thoughts too, sometimes. And actually, it can for a form of OCD. I obsess over random things and thoughts, sometimes not the most pleasant of.
Now, do I get random thoughts of hurting someone? Yes.
Honestly I do, but I know that I would never act upon these thoughts, nor do I really want to. It's more of a simple "if I push her into the street, what would happen?". Something of course, I wouldn't want to do. But the thought, as long as it's just a thought, isn't anything to be worried about as long as they're not constant and as long as you know to not act upon them. If that makes any sense.

Im sorry she reacted like this She is the one who needs to do more research. You are not a secret serial killer for having these thoughts, it is part of the disorder. I commend you for your strength. I dont think I could have left quite as calmly.

Massive to you. I can totally relate to hating your brain. I feel the same way about mine.

I am so so sorry. :/ She is the one who needs to do more research because of course that is OCD and I have the same very disturbing thoughts. I know how hard it is to experience those thoughts and how difficult it is to confess them to someone.
I am constantly getting intrusive thoughts of stabbing the person I'm speaking to in the eye with a pen.
Am I serial killer? No. and neither are you We can't control these thoughts, but we mean no harm by them.

I'm sorry that your friend is so totally uneducated - about an illness that she has herself, nonetheless!

Someone posted this thread a while ago, and I think it's spectacular. I'd forward it to your 'friend' and help her get started on her OWN research!

The Different Types of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder | OCD-UK

I'm sorry that you're having such intrusive thoughts though And I am sorry that you didn't get ANY support when you shared them - sharing is sooooo hard to do!

Thank you all so much. The whole thing just left me angry, upset and hating myself. Because of course, if you tell someone with OCD with intrusive thoughts that they are a soon to be serial killer, you start having intrusive thoughts such as "am I evil?" "I must be evil if I think that" "I am evil.".

She texted me this morning apologizing but I doubt it was sincere. She's probably just scared she's going to be the first on my list.

I am proud I opened up. I just wish the outcome could have been different. I don't ask for these thoughts they just happen.

I'm honestly shocked that she has OCD and didn't understand. That is one of the major symptoms. I would counter with asking her if she really is OCD and what could really be wrong with her because if she truly were, she wouldn't even have had to ask what your thoughts were.

Exactly! She has OCD and either she is denying intrusive thinking or she does believe OCD is only keeping obsessively neat. Trust me, if OCD equated being a neat freak, my room would look a whole lot cleaner.

I tried explaining once again to my mom about my intrusive thoughts of harming others and that it's part of my ocd and the first thing she said is,
"No that's not OCD. You're a psycho, my god"

I wish people were better informed.

mine too!

I have been so lucky, the only people that know about them are my boyfriend and best friend. My best friend has OCD too and my boyfriend just says Im weird but he loves me and kisses my head. They never make me feel bad for having these thoughts.

My boyfriend is the same

From what I read around health forums, many people seem to be mistake intrusive thoughts for "voices".

on the other hand I read somewhere intrusive thoughts are pretty common... but I guess due to the nature of them people don't like to brag about them. I kept mine for myself for a longest time. It helped me enough to hear it is realively "normal" and that they are all they are... *thoughts* albeit scary ones.

Oh wow. That seems incredibly insensitive of her. Perhaps you're right. Maybe she does just try to deny the intrusive thoughts. That's the explanation I hope is true.

I don't have OCD myself, but I have experienced intrusive thoughts... about hurting people and animals I would never, could never hurt. The difference between me (and anyone with intrusive thoughts) and serial killers is that we feel immense guilt merely thinking about it.. serial killers usually do not.

I'm sorry she said that to you.

Venus, I think you're right. Even explaining intrusive thoughts to my first therapist was jumping through hoops of hell. She didn't seem to understand that the voice is MINE, it's thinking. My friend probably saw it the same way.

Bronze, you summed it up really well. I do think she is denying parts of her OCD in fear that it makes her as "crazy" as me. She hasn't been talking to me, and I am assuming my ex friends now all know how "insane" I am.

but you're not insane. they are "intrusive" thoughts. not actions, not desires, nothing you purposely think up yourself. they are unwanted. I would argue you're insane if they make you gleeful or excited or happy and you relish that you have them.

Exactly. They disturb me to no end. But that is the joy of word of mouth, I open up to a friend and explain in detail what is happening, she will obviously leave some details out to share with others to make me seem as if I am enjoying these thoughts which is disgusting in it's self. This is why I rarely open up about my mental illnesses. Things like this always happen.

Thought about this thread when I read this...

4 Things No One Tells You About Having OCD | Cracked.com

so sorry this happened to you. this is classic OCD. My shrink told me, when I finally confessed what my horrific thoughts were, that serial killers/killers don't sit around and fret about the thoughts of hurting people. They rather delight in such thoughts and set out to make plans as well. We are repulsed by these thoughts, we can barely believe our brains can think up such evil things. Guess what? we are not alone - what about Stephen King and Dean Koonz(sp?) and other thriller writers. How about Silence of the Lambs - someone thought it up - not a killer though - someone who is perfectly normal with a vivid imagination.

I made the mistake of telling my husband (ex now) that I was afraid I was going to chop up our newborn son. That I had visions of cutting him up and serving him for dinner. Totally twisted. This was not post partum psychosis either - I was on meds all through pregnancy and upped them as soon as baby came. It was my OCD. Here I was left alone with this helpless little body - what if I lost my mind? Well, i'm running long but suffice it to say that my husband was not understanding at all. In fact he wanted to have the baby taken away from me. Part of me wanted the baby given to a safe person but the other part of me knew I would also take a bullet for this baby, and that I didn't want to hurt him - I was just terrified I'd lose it and do bad stuff. I went on to have more children and i'm happy to say I didn't so much as hurt a hair on their heads but I sure had intrusive thoughts about killing each one of them.

You have OCD. Your friend is misinformed and I agree with you that she probably apologized because she thought you'd pick her off first - very funny. Try not to let it consume you - let the thoughts come in and go. You don't have to give them time and attention, they can just pass on through. Everyone has "sick" thoughts (how about the creator of Dexter?) but us with OCD treat them differently when they come. A "normal" person would just think nothing of it but we give it so much value and obsess! You aren't alone. You can always write to me off board - we have to keep each other feeling sane.

I see you like Criminal Minds or is it just the specific character in your clip? I love Criminal Minds too and lots of other dark shows. Don't think I haven't spent endless hours wondering what that means. I'm 50 now, a veteran.

Starbright777

Ignorant *****. She needs a slap. She's no friend of yours.

*later edits, when not so angry*

Maybe you could somehow show her this:

I've never been diagnosed with OCD but I've been having a lot of violent intrusive thoughts. From strangling or smothering my FWB with a pillow, beating the **** out of my grandad with the fire poker that's near the fireplace (I think about this like everyday), to driving real fast on the freeway then driving into a wall and I've also thought about running into traffic too. Sometimes I worry that I'm like super psycho and am on the verge of becoming a serial killer. I don't know how to stop these thoughts and I'm not sure who to tell.. like I've thought about telling my therapist but I'm afraid she'd have me committed because legally they're supposed to have you committed if you're having homicidal thoughts. I really don't think I'd act upon these thoughts, like the idea of actually hurting someone freaks me out.. like I would not enjoy it at all.

Thank you all so much for your replies. She has me feeling so repulsed by myself and I spiraled into some extreme self hate. It's horrible. I wish people understood I would never, EVER act on these thoughts. I have trouble killing insects that make their way into my room, I doubt I am ever going to walk over to a dog and kick it even though it's an intrusive thought.

I wrote down all my intrusive thoughts and then I connected them to my fears and why they become so obsessive and intrusive and a lot of it makes sense now. For example, I am terrified of being hit by a car. But one of my intrusive thoughts is walking into traffic. I found doing that really helped.

Oh, don't listen to her; she clearly knows jackcrap about mental-health, or is a nasty, obnoxious little [BEEP]. I hate her, based on this alone. I'd be so angry if someone used my fear against me like that, ... believe me, ... VERY, VERY angry.

Totally with you on this, Teen Idle. I can be similar way with bugs, BTW. Let me guess, ... guilt? I bet you have an excessive amount of guilt, ... I know I for sure do. >.<