[inthehalflight]

Hi, everyone! This is my first time posting besides the new member intro. post I did awhile ago. Have been putting it off because of fear and feeling I'm a freak and no one will understand.

But here goes. I've had OCD most of my life, but for the past 20 years I've struggled with the Pure-O/unwanted thoughts variety. It's caused me so much anguish, and I have often been so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that I've wanted to die.

For the past several years though there has been a psychotic/delusional aspect to the OCD, so that it feels my mind has been taken over by constant painful mental torment.

What's been especially difficult for awhile is that I've read a lot of conspiracy theory stuff, about the Illuminati, and so forth, and so much of it has been so horrific that I'm not sure what I can turn to for comfort anymore, because according to these things everything is sinister and calculated and even spirituality can't be trusted, because these evil forces are manipulating that too.

It leads me to feel completely alone because most people dismiss these things as nonsense, including my therapist, even though people are coming forward now who say they've suffered terribly at the hands of the Illuminati.

I guess it's OCD-oriented in the sense that I think about it pretty much from morning to evening and make all these associations and connections that may be a bit delusional, thus the psychosis part of the diagnosis. I feel crazy and don't know what's real after reading about the terrible things they've done and the way our world is controlled. I wish I didn't believe it, but I do. Maybe not all of it, I mean some of those conspiracy theorists are really imbalanced and extreme and of course I try and take things with a grain of salt. But a lot of it makes sense in light of how much suffering and cruelty and evil there is in the world.

I don't know if the OCD forum is really the right place for this, but seeing as I do have OCD, and pretty severe OCD at that, I thought I'd try posting here.

If anyone can relate, I'd appreciate hearing what you think about it.

Thanks!

[kaliope]

I don't have ocd but I kind of have an idea where you are coming from. I watch this show called snapped. it is about people who snap and murder people. usually woman who murder their husbands. so it follows the relationship, what led up to the murder and the trial. and I keep worrying that I am going to snap and murder someone. this is totally ridiculous of course because i am alone and have nothing to do with people so i have nobody to murder but i so worry all the time that one day i am going to go off the deep end and do something irreversible and end up in court. my therapist wants to ban the tv shows that i watch, i watch a lot of crime drama and get triggered all the time. so the simple solution to all my obsessive thinking.....stop watching those tv shows and getting those ideas in my head........i see the same solution for you......if you don't read about conspiracy theories, you don't have to worry about them.......i stay away from them myself for that very reason........p,s, im afraid of the masons...lol

[123212321]

I've had the same kind of thing. During my last spike I thought the sun was in love with me

[123212321]

Just tell yourself that it isn't real, What worked with me is setting a time limit and if nothing happens then say that it isn't real.

[avlady]

Yes TV is a huge trigger for me

[inthehalflight]

Hi, Kaliope! I'm sorry to take so long to thank you for your reply.

Your advice really makes sense and that's what I've been trying to do for awhile. I'm just not reading or watching conspiracy stuff, and it's helping. Sometimes I feel tempted to go there again but I remind myself that it just doesn't help me function in the world. Seeing as I have enough time functioning in the world as it is, I just can't put myself through going down that crazy-making rabbit hole.

[inthehalflight]

I know what you mean. I'm really sensitive to the media and can't watch just anything. Sometimes I'm amazed people can watch such upsetting stuff and call it relaxation!

[Lmt2292]

Wow I did not think I would ever see a post that I can say is 100 percent true to me. I suffered from this specific topic years ago but it still lingers like k still have that feeling that everything is manipulated by them and nothing is genuine. And that's horrible for us coders because we are good people and don't want evil in the world. This is crazy I dealt with this exact thing. I guess the only thing to do is believe that there is good in the world. Regardless of the illuminati look at your family and friends ands see how good they are and if there are evil powers and they want us to suffer then they can do that because we are in the hands of God

[AlwaysAnxiety1220]

When I was younger I use to cringe hearing the words "kill" "murder" "death". I use to wash my hands till they bled. I have grown out of those OCD tendencies long ago and now am kind of experiencing what you are going through. I find myself always searching for God, the existence of Jesus etc. I feel there is a Creator, the bibles stories don't seem to be real, BUT ALOT of what the bible says is making sense today (prophecies). OCD sucks, I feel bad for anyone who has to go through it because I am a sufferer myself. It can be used for positives but I wish I could control it more. I read about the illuminati as well, evil rich people. Thus, the illuminati makes me believe in Jesus because it makes me reflect on revelations, when Jesus will come down and everyone will be judged. A huge part in me believes that day is coming very soon. Sorr

[inthehalflight]

Thanks so much for your reply, Lmt2292! It helps so much to know that someone else has gone through this, though I am sorry you have. It's agony.

What you said about knowing there's good in the world and seeing it in the kindness of people around you is really helpful. That is the conclusion that I have finally had to come to also. Yes, they may be evil and powerful but there is good too and it is more strong than anything.

[Ulysis]

Originally Posted by inthehalflight

Thanks so much for your reply, Lmt2292! It helps so much to know that someone else has gone through this, though I am sorry you have. It's agony.

What you said about knowing there's good in the world and seeing it in the kindness of people around you is really helpful. That is the conclusion that I have finally had to come to also. Yes, they may be evil and powerful but there is good too and it is more strong than anything.

I get all that stuff mate. I just try to not read up on it although easier said than done as I am very enquizitive by nature. you just have to try and live your life as a good person and I kind of figure their is not much we can do about it all anyway! Does make you very anxious though doesn't it.

[PomeranianMommy]

Bless you (hugs) I really do understand what you mean about torment.
I have mostly Pure O type OCD too (though I've some compulsions) so I completely understand what you are writing. When I get really bad I will start to have terrifying intrusive images both in the dark and when I close my eyes and I'll start to see goblin like creatures out of the side of my eye. It is extremely distressing and debilitating and wears me right down. I get less and less rational when in fact when I'm well I'm pragmatic and skeptical.
Could you start to read something nice and soothing like Anne of Green Gables or Pippi Longstocking, it sounds daft but when I'm so unwell I find these help to ground me, grounding yourself is very important. I go out into the fresh air every day and stand looking up at the sky (in bare feet if it's warm and dry outside) and just listen and breathe in the air. I can't meditate as (a) I cannot still my mind (b)my OCD rushes into fill all the gaps so I try to concentrate on my senses of touch, taste and hearing.