[Yet Another Name]

I posted here one time before and I wasn't going to post again because I thought I had this problem beat. But apparently I don't. I feel like I have OCD thoughts that I have HOCD. I have questioned my sexuality at several times during my life, not as far as I can tell connected with my OCD, but at this point I think I have OCD thoughts that I'm really straight -- even though for most of my life I did identify as straight and even now I'm mostly just... confused.

At one point last year (still questioning everything) I went to a lesbian chat group and had this overwhelming feeling that I had OCD and didn't belong there. I almost left. I came home and posted on a psychology board (not this one) that I was upset because unlike other people I see with HOCD I wanted to be gay (I'm not trying to make light of the problems of being gay in this society, I'm just trying to explain how my brain works.) I said I didn't want all this to turn out to be just OCD but apparently it was, and a person trying to helpful to told me I should just let go of the idea that I'm not straight. So I tried to do that but it didn't work.

The thing is that I have never had a real relationship with a woman, so I may never know the answer. I really wish I could have a relationship with a woman, if I could meet the right woman, but if I don't even know my sexuality it makes everything very difficult. My age (48) also makes it really difficult.

I do the "checking" thing sometimes and when I fantasize about men or look at hot men I think "See, you're straight and you just have HOCD." And I wonder whether I'm really excited by women or just by media images of young sexy women.

But I don't fit the model I usually see of HOCD, because I don't want it to turn out that I am straight -- except I'm not sure if I have good reason to believe I'm not straight.

This is confusing me so much. I end up staying up late on the internet looking at OCD boards and sexuality boards and trying to figure out what's going on with me. And that I'm sure is coming from my OCD.

I went to another lesbian chat group more recently and felt a lot more comfortable. And I thought I had this problem beat but now I end up on internet again trying to figure this out. I know I don't need a label and I know thinking about it too much isn't going to help but that doesn't help me actually not think about it.

(I'm sorry this post is so long. Part of that is my OCD -- I feel like I have to tell the whole story or people will somehow get the wrong idea.)

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central, YetAnotherName. I am so sorry you are suffering from OCD.
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[Yet Another Name]

Thank you. I am on medication and I have found out the hard way that the obsessive thoughts, some about worse stuff than this, will really take over if I stop taking it. I have a therapist I see sometimes but she's not an expert in OCD and knows nothing about sexuality issues so I'm not sure how much she could be with this. (Getting another therapist would be too expensive.)

Anyway if I can ever be of help to someone else that would be a very good thing.

[MusicMike]

I'm sorry you are going through this confusion, and certainly having OCD means you are going to obsess about it. I have OCD but not this particular issue. Would you be comfortable explaining what sexual experiences you have had so far in your life and how you felt about them?

[Yet Another Name]

I'm sorry I didn't answer this right away, I hope you'll still see it.

I've had occasional thoughts that I'm not straight since high school but I've never had a real relationship with a woman. At one point I tried to but I really picked the wrong woman and nothing happened in the end which in that case was definitely for the best. So I have only been with men sexually, a few before I was married (nothing long-term) and then I was married for over ten years. Before I was married (and when I was first married) I found sex physically painful and definitely unenjoyable though I did kind of like receiving oral sex. After I was married a while I didn't find sex painful anymore but the best it ever got was "I guess I can sort of see why people enjoy this." That said I did feel that I was sexually attracted and/or in love with men, including my ex-husband, though I did realize I was failing in the sex department.

After I was divorced I learned to well, please myself, and realized that I had never really been very excited during sex at all. These days I usually look at images of women when I'm aroused but I have used images of men and male celebrity crushes too.

Since my marriage I had an on-again off-again online relationship with a man, and I definitely felt like I was attracted to him, but I also knew it was virtually impossible that I'd ever see him in real life.
Now I'm trying to meet women but I keep telling myself maybe I'm straight and shouldn't be doing it.

[MusicMike]

I can see there might be two issues here. One is the cognitive issue, which is your beliefs around this issue. Can you believe, in your head at least, that there is no need to define your sexuality? It can change or be in flux. You might be flexible sexually.

The second issue is your emotions and unconscious attitudes. It is here, it seems, that you struggle... you can't seem to settle on a conscious attitude that is acceptable, because immediately anxious thoughts of distress start up. If you are straight, you worry that you really are attracted to women. If you imagine a relationship with a woman, you aren't sure what you feel so you suspect you are straight. You have thoughts like "I want to be gay" but then you worry you are fooling yourself.

You might need to explore the deeper issues around this in therapy. There may be some feelings left over from your formative years that are influencing you unconsciously. And you may have OCD, and you may need to get some help in separating OCD thoughts from your core identity.

[Yet Another Name]

I can't believe that there is no need to define my sexuality. I need an identity. Also I'd really like to meet a woman and I'm never going to meet anybody if I can't at least say what's up with me. It's going to be hard enough meeting someone as a bisexual woman which it looks like I am. Everyone tells me I "don't need a label" but I'm terrified of going to LGBT events and I can't keep going like this.

I do think I have OCD though, and though I usually can separate OCD thoughts from "real" ones (even if I can't make the OCD ones go away) in this case maybe I really can't.

My therapist is assigned by the HMO and she is really clueless about LGBT issues. Plus she says what's really important is to talk about why I put myself down so much but that's not what I want to work on. I want to work on sexuality issues. So I'm having trouble getting motivated to go back.

[MusicMike]

I have a very strong tendency to obsessiveness and what I've learned for myself is that obsessiveness is a kind of perspective on life. When a certain issue arises for you over and over and over, a painful issue, then it makes life look a certain way. It makes that issue seem urgent and like the top priority, and eclipses other important issues. It affects how you think of healthiness and well-being. It can define your life.

So, I don't mean to impose my experience on yours, but for what it's worth I think you are dealing with a kind of obsessiveness. It's not just thoughts coming up from OCD, but a kind of background sense that keeps telling you "You must have an identity!" and this background sense doesn't leave you alone. It doesn't give you a break, and it's defining your perspective on life.

It's quite possible that if you manage to shift your attention off this issue for a time, you will find new satisfying areas of life, and although the issue may remain unresolved, you may find you can make satisfying progress on it.

Let me know if this seems completely off base.

[Yet Another Name]

It doesn't seem off base, it just seems like something I don't want to hear. I mean I'm sure you're right but I can't deal with these facts. I can't deal with idea that I'll never know if I'm really straight or not, that I'll never meet a woman to be with. (Which I won't, if I never know if I'm really straight or not.)

I'm sorry if this sounds too extreme. I had a really horrible day today.

[avlady]

so you probably just want some closure on this certain issue with yourself. i wish i could help you, but i really don't have words to. a good therapist could get to the root of the problem, im sorry you feel you need a new therapist.good luck