[Indie'sOK]

****TRIGGER****

Ok, this is something I've been really worried about lately. I hope the urgency in this thread title wasn't alarming but I'm scared. This is just so awful but I need help with it.

I love animals, don't get me wrong. I love bears and cats especially. I have two cats of my own, and a dog. Lately, though, for whatever reason, I've been having the worst intrusive thoughts about what it would be like if I hurt them I've even had thoughts about what it would be like if I hurt my family.

PLEASE know that I would never act upon these thoughts - they are not urges. Please please know that. I love my pets and I love animals, so why am I having this problem? Why do I get homicidal thoughts about what would happen if I were to stab my family? What is wrong with me?

I pray that I never end up like one of those serial killers that hunts baby animals before moving on to people. I don't want to do this! I don't want to have these thoughts. I'm worried that that might change some day, though.

Something that I never told anyone and am afraid to post here is this...when I was very young, about 5 or 6 years old but old enough to remember...I remember taking a pair of scissors and "trimming" my cat's whiskers. At some point I vaguely remember sticking them in her ear and I think I actually cut part of her ear. She was bleeding and I was scared...I remember not actually wanting to hurt the kitty, I was just curious about what would happen.

Is there anyone that can help me make sense of this? I am sitting here in tears and freaking out because I know what I did is bad and scary and makes me a dangerous person. I keep having these images run through my mind of me doing that again to my cat even though I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to...I don't want to have these thoughts.

I just want some advice. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not lying or trying to draw attention to myself...I'm scared.

The fact that the thoughts are so disturbing to you says a lot. I don't think anyone who truly wanted to do those things would be so distraught over the thoughts. I'm guessing that you haven't mentioned this to your therapist. He/she should be able to help you get some insight on this. Nothing new is going on...no new meds or anything?

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by George H.

The fact that the thoughts are so disturbing to you says a lot. I don't think anyone who truly wanted to do those things would be so distraught over the thoughts. I'm guessing that you haven't mentioned this to your therapist. He/she should be able to help you get some insight on this. Nothing new is going on...no new meds or anything?

No new meds, nothing. I can't really recall how long this has been going on. I don't have OCD (that I know of) so I don't understand why I'm having these thoughts. The thing that is so disturbing to me is what happened when I was little. Why would I hurt a poor animal? What the hell is wrong with my head?

I definitely will bring this up in therapy even if I'm afraid of frightening her with that particular memory. I've been ashamed of that for years and have never mentioned it to anyone.

Well... the real incident...it's in the past. No point in beating yourself up over it. We all do things as kids that we wish we could take back. I did. As for the thoughts now... hey thoughts come into our heads. You haven't acted on them. But I understand how bad it's making you feel. I've had that happen as well. I didn't act on them. They went away. I think I was going through extreme anxiety and stress at the time. Maybe that triggered the thoughts. The thoughts def added to the anxiety.
I think it's really important to bring this up with your therapist. She isn't going to be frightened or judgmental. And she needs to know about the thoughts to be able to help you. You've had your pets for many years obviously and care about them. You aren't going to hurt them. It's more important that the thoughts are there and the effect they are having on you. I really wish I could think of something more comforting to say
I'd trust you with my pets

[Indie'sOK]

Thanks so much Really appreciate the advice - I will talk to her Thursday.

Is it ironic my cat's name is Manson?

awww a cute kitty.... well dressed cat lol. Good luck and try not to obsess on it or beat yourself up over it.
If it isnt too personal it would be good if you could update this after the appt.

[brackenbeard]

don't worry, you're going to be fine. searching through your past to try to uncover if your capable or developing into or something is not helpful, and ultimately meaningless. it's a fruitless search. it's scary, these thoughts, but you have nothing to worry about. you're going to be fine. you're really into your head right now, and these thoughts drive you deeper into your head. try to occupy your mind with stuff. if you do over time you can get away from the obsession they are causing.

you're right in the middle of something that's going to pass over, as most bad things that happen to you will. it will get better, maybe not completely better, but better. it sucks man. you just want to shutdown. i urge you though stop searching for answers. don't believe there's something wrong with you. go about your business the best you can.

you're going to be fine.

share this with your therapist. in my experience it helps, and they should know how to deal with it. don't be afraid. they will understand this stuff happens.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you SO much you guys. It's the same feeling I get when I watch those shock videos on the internet...I don't know why I do it, but I do. Shock and horror and disbelief as to how someone could ever be so cruel. Even reading about the video "3guys1hammer" made me feel sick. All I could think is that something like that could happen to my dad, or someone I care about. The victim in that video was a man in his 40s, so I guess that's why I worried about my dad.

I will definitely update this after my appointment. Stay tuned.

[ickydog2006]

I've been wondering about this a lot lately. I have urges to mutilate fresh dead bodies. I don't desire to kill other than to fulfill my other urges. My morale compass (i.e. it's wrong by God' standards) are what keep me from doing it, but without that I have a hard time coming up with reasons not to. When I watch shows such as Dexter and Criminal Minds, or documentaries on serial killers, it instantly calm me down and I feel release and peaceful. I also feel good when my mind is fantasizing about giving in to these temptations. I feel bad for having these thoughts, but only because others would disapprove. Do you get enjoyment when your thoughts are running through your mind and then get that sinking feeling after the fact or do you get upset during the thought of hurting animals? I use to be so worried that I'd give in. Now I'm confident that I won't because I won't ever quit believing in God, but I do still wonder sometimes if I didn't believe what would happen. I don't desire to go to prison, but the relief I feel during these thoughts is a hundred times more than the fear of death or a prison sentence.

[LiveThroughThis]

I realize this thread is about a month old, but I felt compelled to share.

About three years ago, when my anxiety was reaching its apex and I didn't know what was going on (no diagnoses yet), I started having obsessions of hurting my dog. Not anything detailed, but terrified I was going to hurt her--that I would lose it and kill her. Sometimes I would look at a knife on the table and literally have to turn my head away, because I was afraid the compulsion to use it to hurt her would overwhelm me. I didn't tell anyone this for a long time, for fear I was going legitimately mad. Finally told my mom, who assured me I wouldn't hurt anyone, even though I had urges to hurt her as she sat next to me. The first psych I went to said it was "just anxiety." But my anxiety was spiraling out of control and I lived alone, and the terror of hurting my dog was growing. Finally I was diagnosed with OCD.

I continue to have thoughts of hurting my animals (most are caged). And I too adore my animals. I've also had compulsions to swerve my car into cars in traffic/hit or hurt family members.....my psych said all of that is my brain wanting to alleviate the anxiety. Which made perfect sense once he explained it.

I'm now on a med for the OCD, and usually it keeps things in check. But I know when the thoughts pop up things are off kilter in my life/brain. I'm better able now to simply allow the thoughts to come into my head, or instead of letting them in enough to frighten me, to literally shake my head to shake them off, and that works a lot.

I do still, to this day, have a back-of-my-mind fear that one day I will become so incensed with rage/anxiety/hypomania that I'll lose it on one of my animals---because when I get like that it's almost like morals/humane-ness goes out the window. But that's mostly been kept under wraps as well.

I just had to share, because it is something that almost no one I know deals with....as with all mental illness, one simply cannot relate unless they've been in that place themselves.

[InfiniteSadness]

i get anxiety when i dont get anxiety about the bad thought, get it??!

[InfiniteSadness]

Geeze, anyone??!

[CK22]

I've been feeling the same way. I was in a pet store yesterday and I just couldn't stop thinking about hurting the animals. I quickly realized how horrible that was and it made me want to cry. I'm sorry you're feeling this way as well. I agree with those who say that you aren't like those people who harm baby animals for fun because you are devastated by your thoughts and you think they are wrong. I would definitely contact a therapist or doctor if you aren't already seeing one just to get things under control.