Can't take this anymore- fear of schizophrenia/psychosis

I have no idea when it started. I just remember that I went to the psychiatrists about three years ago just so she could tell me I'm not schizophrenic. She did. But it was so long ago and many things has changed. When I was little I've seen one of my family members having a psychotic break: a very dangerous, obscure man, an alcoholic, often paranoid, also a deviant. I was really scared then. Perhaps that's the origin of these thoughts. My family has a long history of mental health problems.

I am myself very strange, my anxiety problems and panic disorders begun very early in my childhood. I also had many AS traits and OCD. My reactions are not always normal. But that terrible fear of developing psychosis or schizophrenia is just something that adds to my suffering.

As a result of bullying I struggle with paranoid thoughts. My nervous system is generally extremely hypervigilant. I have many intrusive thoughts since my early teens, it is a daily struggle. I also experience many strange bodily experiences, like hipnagogia, vivid dreams, hypnopompic states.

It wasn't that bad when I had a job and friends (Yes, there was a time in my life, lasting for about 2 years, when I was pretty socially active, I was in a very popular group of people: but now most of these people had moved away and with the rest of them things didn't go very well because I got too overwhelmed).

I stopped socialising about a year ago and stopped going out after I've lost my job due to financial cuts. The thing is that I find socialising so overwhelming that I dont want to go back anymore. And the thoughts of me being mentally ill, possibly psychotic are something that just makes a huge "stop" sign in my mind. I cannot let myself go out and be with people anymore, even if I would start to feel this need again.

I spend my days at home, have nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. This situation is great for this particular phobia.

I am extremely hypervigilant to sounds: I constantly check if the sounds I hear are real. My emotions are not too well: one day I was almost sure I'm crazy because my narcissistic mother got so scary in her fight with my dad that I started to believe that she is going to kill herself.

I also experience some pseudohallucinations often when I'm stressed or hangovered: seeing shadows with the corner of my eye, imagining lots of things so it almost seems as a hallucination.

I've been constantly checking my emotions and thoughts. And they often feel not right. Lately I've started having this feeling of "loosing" the words in my head, like I want to verbalize a thought, but I can't. I started to make mistakes when I write.

My depression and suicidal ideation happens from time to time. Having no routine makes my sleep pretty messed up.

I also remember being so tired after trying some heavy physical job that I just stopped speaking for a few hours, just sat in the chair, feeling totally numb and that reminded me of schizophrenia.

I feel like I'm just the "perfect" person for this illness and there's no way I can avoid it. Right now I'm in this flat emotional state where I care about nothing. My ambitions are gone this year, I don't feel like doing anything.

Lately I also started to daydream a lot (I used to do that as a child and a teen when I was lonely, too) and I constantly imagine conversations and speak in my head a lot. Like, really, A LOT. Also, before I say something to my parents I like to say the words in my head first a few times and then I don't even feel the difference whether I'm gonna speak it out loud or just in my mind.

what medicines are you taking now

your problem is complex
my solution ideas

first if you can visit a 2 weeks holiday to east asia,east africa ( a country completely different from your living place( people,culture, food,economy)
this will greatly inpact your mind and a temporary relief from stress

- spend at leats 2 houser per day out door ( i know its hard but do it ) and increase the time
- try to make friends
- maintain a OCD diary


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I'm not on any meds anymore, they're no good to me and the side effects are too much. I did the mistake of taking them as a 13, 16, 17 year old when my brain was still developing. Sertagen\Seronil did nothing to me, Citalopram made me even more anxious and desperate and Zoloft made me extremely aggressive and lacking inhibition and I was scared of myself because i couldn't control my impulses and felt i can do everything. I was also addicted to Xanax as a 16-17 yo, often mixed with alcohol and occassional weed. However, i take propranolol from time to time.

Going abroad is impossible, I cannot afford it.

This ocd causes me to procrastinate. I have an exam on Thursday and feel like what if I am or will get psychotic and my chances will be wasted. Loosing my mind is so scary to me because nobody would take care of me, I wouldnt have anywhere to live and would probably end up in my obscure family house which is almost falling apart and some of my distant, mentally ill family members live there in dirt,not taking care of themselves.

i dont no anything about medicines because im not a doctor, but i know anti depression medicince cause various side effects. doctors change medicine for this reason to check what medicine is suitable for patient. i read a document medicine work well to 80% of mental disorder patients. and for many people medicine control you disorder in other words preventing from becoming worse not cure completely , for these people their try is the key
how is your outdoor activities

Well, from what I know, antidepressants work for about 30% of patients and that's no more than a placebo. I don't believe in these drugs, because the whole serotonin- dopamine theory is actually nothing but a theory. There's nothing medical about it. I think meds should be taken only in a really severe cases. I won't let myself do this damage to my body again, I regret taking them very much. I'm taking high dosage of omega 3 acids.

I take a lot of meds because I am diagnosed Bipolar 2, OCD, and GAD. BUT my psychiatrist recommended a natural supplement for obsessive thoughts.

Since you say you don't want to take meds, have you tried the supplement NAC (n-acetyl cysteine)? It has helped me immensely, and it's natural. I get it at the health food store. I take 1,000 mg 3x a day when my obsessive thoughts are intense. Just a suggestion.

I experience a lot of the things you do (hyper-vigilance to sounds, thoughts, symptoms) due to fear of psychosis. What helps me a lot is to get out and be around people. Is there a low-stress job you could apply for or maybe volunteer to get out of the house every day and be around people? Being able to interact can reassure you that you are fine, you are not going crazy.

Thank you! I may try this one day, when I'll be finished with my omega3 capsules. I take 1000mg a day and it actually makes me more calm and the intrusive thoughts are not as strong as they were too. When it comes to people, well, I had a group of friends at some point of my life, but some of them knew that I had some mental issues but they didn't understand it too much so they were like "oh, she's mentally ill, insane" and it made me very ashamed. There was a time in my life when I was too open about this stuff and didn't get the fact that other people's way of understanding is different than mine. This actually put me in some embarassing situations. Not everyone was this way, of course, because among these people there were some who themselves had anxiety issues and ocd and I still talk to them. They were asking me advice about medicine and stuff. But being more aware of this topic than everyone else also made me feel different. What other 12 year old is obsessed with mental health and going to psychiatrist? I was the only one like that.

When I was younger and had some mild psychologist evaluation I was told that I'm just like everyone else, it's just anxiety etc. But I know exactly that I'm not and it's not just anxiety that separates me from others. Yet, at the time I was 13,14,15 etc I didn't know anything about cognitive issues, learning disorders and stuff like that. Now I do, but now seems too late. I wish someone would take care of me when I was younger and look up to my difficulties. But I was always left alone with this. Nobody took responsibility for me.

When I look at my family, it all gets worse. I actually had this mild shutdown yesterday. Until I was 14 I lived in this scary big house. Understanding my family seems like a huge burden. I have a particular trouble with my father's side. His mother is an orphan, very passive, defensive woman full of anxieties, addicted to Diazepam her whole life. My grandfather, well, I never met anyone like this. He's verbally aggressive, shouting constantly, I mean, constantly. I've never heard him talk like a normal person. He offends everyone, is very one-sided. Whenever he would go for a shop, he would bother people who worked there, going on for ages at one topic, screaming. He keeps going on and on about one topic, it looks like mix of autism, ocd, maybe some mental illness. He took all of my grandmother's money, they stopped leaving the house and live in a dirt, obsessively saving money (don't use hot water, don't wash, don't clean). It gets even more hard to understand, when I look at his two brothers. One, who lived with us, was an alcoholic, to the point that they cut his legs off because of gangrene. He was also a deviant, an exhibitionist and psychotic. Half of the city knew our house because of him. When I was little, I was constantly being watched by my grandparents because of him, one day could barely go to school because he was running with an axe, believing he sees his dead mother. I heard family members talking of his "weird sexual behaviour" like it's nothing, nobody ever explained anything to me, I just remember I couldn't say a bad word about him. Then there's the third brother, a religious fanatic, very depressed, stopped leaving the house at some point of his life, but when I was little he worked at our house and I often talked with him. I remember that he was acussing people of some weird stuff. He has three daughters older than me, two very sociophobic, introverted, unhappy.

And yesterday my father came home and told us he met him because he needed a help with his car (at the time this uncle was leaving his house, he used to work on cars in his garage at that house) . And laughed, that he went totally schizophrenic too cause he started accusing my father and his father of sneaking into the garage (it was closed for many years and nobody had the key) and using it without his knowledge, because the boards were placed differently (they were not) than the last time he was using the garage. There was a huge conflict because of it.

And I got furious and started screaming that I don't want to be like them, that I have no future with that kind of upbringing, that my genes are f*cked. My father and mother just laughed at me.

Since I'm about 14/15 I live at a rented flat (two rooms) with my parents. And it's horrible. My father is starting to become just like his, constantly angry, very obsessive compulsive. He constantly offends everyone, throws his hatred at people, complains about his fate, dreams of leaving this family. He offends me without even noticing this. He counts every penny. When I tell him, like, "Will you drive me to the shopping centre" (I'm doing a room renovation, my own money, I told him I'll pay him to drive me. I have my own licence but I'm too anxious to drive, not very good at it and I fear to drive his car) he will start his speech about how much money we need to save, that I'm not working, just sitting there, what do we think, we don't live in a luxury and so we (me and my mother) wouldn't think that we wouldn't have to pay for him driving us etc, so that finally nobody wants to go. Then he tries to take it back, but it's too late.

I mean, I like my father cause he's funny, but I don't think he's a right person and I don't trust him. Mostly since I was 16 and he was about to punch me in the face with his fist, and then went like "You should be happy I didn't, you got me so pissed off".

And there's my mother, who only thinks of herself and can do nothing but offend him in return, show her anger in a child-like manner, slam the doors constantly, making pointless comments.

I'm so tired. I will probably never make peace with my mind. When I think about it, I didn't have a day in the past few years that I wouldn't be constantly obsessing about my mind. I have a huge knowledge about psychology and neurology and still cannot find relief with any of this. What's more, I've already been in this place. I've already been writing things like that in the past. Didn't end up well, got crazy on meds, Xanax mostly. I'm still frightened about psychosis, because I don't believe the stuff like "it's impossible to get psychotic when you're having anxiety and ocd and are generally neurotic". Yeah, I can judge my brain and I'm obsessed with control, I still didn't always play it safe. I'd like to know very much whether I'm having troubles such as Asperger's or ADHD, but it's hard to find an available place in this country where they diagnose adults. I'm so socially awkward, have this sluggish cognitive tempo, disregulated social skills, I'm generally, let's call this, "irregular" with my life, on the other, I'm impulsive and very often driven by my desires and imagination.
I regulated my sleeping routine, still taking supplements, still have no job, so I'm kind of left alone with myself day after day. One day I'm unmotivated and depressed, the other I'm kind of okay, but with constant ocd thoughts (like I had this day about a week ago, where I would constantly ruminate over bad memories and had irrational ocd fears and ideas), yet the other one it's about my health and what if I'm gonna die soon and how come everyone hates me and most of the times it's writing and doing research that calms me down.
Yesterday I was having a terrible derealization while being out, lasted for a few minutes , I got emotionally numb and felt the world is very unreal and the cars looked so small, almost like toys, I thought and got immediately scared. Then it went away because I was trying to make my mind busy. I visited my family house where my grandparents live, very awful and dirty place to be, it's stresses me, and not only me, very much. I had a short argument with my father, got very grumpy so I just kept walking from one corner to the other to release the anger.
Today I woke up in a pretty irritable mood, but I started joking and smiling a bit few days ago with my parents so it doesn't seem that bad. That change in my mood got me alarmed: "Is it okay, when I'm feeling like joking, how can I feel this bit of excitement when my situation isn't that good? It might be a start of mania. Watch yourself" and the neverending circle of worry just kept going in my head (but i don't have the usual panic attacks anymore, it feels more blank) Yet I'm still feeling like in a brain fog, like my emotions are cut off. Then we went to another city to buy some furniture for me and spent about 5 hours in the shopping centre, I was very fine there, enjoyed it, yet got bored with shopping and just wanted to have it done finally. We had fun, which is pretty unusual. I've seen many beautiful cars along our way (I always pay attention to that with my father) and started daydreaming about making money, getting a higher social status, but someone don't forget to remind me that for now I'm plain broke and just yesterday was all frustrated about having no future and getting zero financial help. And today I sit and hope that why cannot I make money a bigger amount of money one day. Imagining such stuff always pushes me forward, but I shouldn't sail away from reality too much. And then it comes again: You're getting manic, you're surely bipolar.
I don't know if there's a person more afraid of her own mind than I am. I'm so bad at managing my emotions because I don't believe they are like other people's emotions, though it doesn't even matter. I wish someone could just run some blood tests and be like "you've got this, and this, and this and need to to that and that". I don't know if what I'm feeling is a "too much excitement for the moment" or just simple enjoyment that I exaggerate because I'm so hypersensitive to my moods. To feel okay I would have to be and feel the same every single day and be sure that it will be like this forever.

Are you able to see a cognitive behavioral therapist. I think you might benefit greatly from cbt. I don't know whether you need medication because other than obsessing about your mental health I don't know if you have any true ocd symptoms. Prayers are with you

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Are you seeing a really good psychiatrist? It sounds like you are not. I would find a *really good* psychiatrist and get a clear diagnosis. It sounds like you could possibly have bipolar with your possible manic/hypomanic feelings, but the good news is: bipolar is easier to treat with medications than OCD. OCD doesn't have as much success rate with medications, but bipolar medications seem to be more effective. I have Bipolar 2, OCD, and GAD. Don't let the labels fool you, I'm high-functioning and have a good professional job. It's not that big of a deal to have several mental illness labels. The purpose is just to receive proper treatment.

Are you tracking your moods so you can see if there is a pattern? I would keep a mood calendar. There may even be an app you can use. Then you can show your psychiatrist when you go.

I recently started on Abilify to help my anxiety (and stabilize my mood) and so far so good! I've had to take a LOT less Xanax since I started it. I've been doing really well on it. Antipsychotics, whether you are bipolar or not, can help with depression (Abilify in particular is advertised as being able to help with depression) if you are resistant to other meds. May be something to request from your pdoc or look into.

I don't believe you will feel this way all your life. Sure, I still have obsessive thoughts/ worries, but they are usually mild and they don't control my life. With proper treatment, I believe you can get better.

Diagnoses: Bipolar 2, OCD, GAD
Medications: Lithium, Trileptal, Latuda, Abilify, Xanax XR, Xanax PRN
Supplements: NAC (3,000 mg a day), Bee Pollen (1,000 mg as needed for hypomania)

Well, I think having bipolar would mean that there is a gap between my states of worry and racing mind and restlesness. But my thoughts are all the same for days and months and years, whether I'm depressed or not. I don't have a time of " functioning well". I kept a mood chart on my phone but it broke down and I've lost all the data. I don't really think my emotions are much strong, but I boil them down and exaggerate their meaning, because I'm hypervigilant over every single change in my body. I'm doing everything not to feel anything. Having lots of thoughts and worries seems to block them underneath the surface. I'm not sure if I ever recognizing my emotions because I'm obsessed with verbalizing them. My depression is not much strong and lasts shortly, mostly I'm in a fight or flight mode in general. I'm never excited without any reason. I never have sleeping problems such as lack of sleep, except for when I drink from time to time. I generally don't think that my emotions - apart from anxiety - are the problem, but my thoughts.

I don't go to psychiatrist anymore because I have no intention in taking psychiatric drugs. I don't feel good on drugs, I don't even consider them drugs because they don't have any medically proven way of working and I'd rather be this way than experience their side effects.

I'm having a neurologist appointment and MRi to see for any changes in brain typical for ADHD etc. Then I may visit a psychiatrist to obtain a diagnosis, but not for drugs prescripton, and then - at some point - I may try with therapy.

Thank you for your reply!