Question if others Ocd manifests itself this way *tw*

So im in therapy and getting no relief because she basically doesnt know whats wrong with me and why. Anyway I have posted most of what my problems are on here and wont go into that again. I am going to give some examples of what a day looks like for me and see if it clicks with anyone else.
May 31
- kissed the dog impulse to open my mouth.
- helping a blind peer impulse to touch breast.
-playing with the dog. Had a thought she was bad because is a little feisty. Impulse to touch her privates.
-watching Law and Order SUV trigger made me have an impulse to push my privates into the chair.
-rubbing dogs belly(she loves that) impulse to touch her privates.
-little girl came into group home I live at impulse to touch her innapropriately.
-impulse to stab somebody with pen
-impulse to eat my skin (fear I will become a cannibal)
Of course I didnt do any of this.
Is this Ocd? What is going on? I live with this everyday and am on SSRI's and Invega. Ive been this way since I was 8 after a sexual encounter with peer and horrible case of strep throat. I read strep can cause Ocd in children.

First of all,a few things.

1) You used the world "impulse", before mentioning your therapist doesn't know what you have. I suggest you to not self-diagnose and ask her referral to a psychiatrist. Since it is beyond her level of competency.
2) Your list of actions do not seem to be fall straight into one category.

But we are here to help.

First of all, do not ACT the way you want to act. Since your therapist mentioned she cannot help you, I suggest you to really visit a psychiatrist.


"Is this OCD?"
We cannot know from the info you provided nor is everyone in this forum able to diagnose you (this includes me as well, I am a science student but by no means a mental health professional or a doctor) and the actual, reliable criteria to diagnose OCD is on
this website.

"What is going on"
To me, it seems that as a result of your sexual abuse, you seem to have some kind of psychological trauma in your mind.
"Strep throat can cause OCD in children"
Strep thought itself causing a neurological condition? I doubt it. I had them too while I was a child but perhaps due to other complications I don't have OCD. The sexual abuse you witnessed as a child is more likely the actual perpetrator. But don't visit the therapist as she told you it's beyond her. Visit a psychiatrist instead and follow his recommendations.

My OCD doesn't manifest in this way. I agree with Chemist that it could have something to do with your sexual encounter. Regarding OCD from strep, strep can cause a syndrome called PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections) in children. It's not actually OCD, it mimics OCD and it is my understanding it is to be treated with antibiotics and not psych drugs. I'd mention your case of childhood strep to a general doctor. Also, please mention everything you posted to whoever is prescribing your medication, hopefully they can refer you to a different therapist or psychologist or whatever they think is necessary.

More info on PANDAS:
What is PANDAS? | PANDAS Network

Well I see a psych doctor and a therapist. I dont want to mention this to my pdoc because I am already on two psych drugs. My therapist told me it was sexual trauma and obsessions. I guess I am just confused. She said she could help me but she wants to do body work. Which I am ok with and Emdr which I am not sure about.

Have you read about pure o or Harm OCD? I have run into it a couple of times and found it very illuminating.

I have some of the Harm OCD symptoms sometimes along with a weird mix of other OCD symptoms, germophobia and checking are particularly strong.

Yeah but I have compulsions and thats not present in Pure O or Harm Ocd. Is it?

I don't know enough about it to say. Like I said though, I mix OCD-type symptoms are all over the place, some typical compulsive things and these impulse-like thoughts. Is OCD a fluid thing like introversion and extroversion, where they say most people don't really fit in either one, but have a personal mix of the two?

Yeah Im not sure. I think a mix of things happened with me. I was a very sexual child and i did sexual things with another child at the age of seven ( we were both seven ) My therapist said chidren dont usually have o*ral sex at 7. Unless there was a trauma. I acted it out on dolls and pets. On top of all thst at around that age I liked girls and woman. So being bi and having trauma. Then developing Ocd ( i have been diagnosed) it just all didnt mix well.

Do you constantly feel anxious? You did sexual things at the age of seven, I think that means you were either exposed to sex early or there is some kind of psychiatric disorder. Unfortunately to me it seems you do have a sexual arousal disorder. I do believe any infection can cause a neurological condition (if it crosses all the barriers that protect the brain) but I think it should be rare.

If we go with statistics, unless you were a child who had strep throat before the onset of sexual arousal disorder, it is quite unlikely you will get OCD by strep throat (it's hard to cross the barriers of the brain.) But that does not mean

1) It is not caused by other infection
2) It is not caused by childhood experience (which often causes anxiety disorders.)

Edit : Forgot to mention

Doctors do not look at a brain scan and make individual diagnosis like the brain is the only part of the body. They piece together blood tests, medical history, current psychological status, early experiences and other comorbidities before they make a diagnosis. So you hiding something from your doctor could lead to ugly consequences. Of course I am not asking you to tell him confidential information, but as he is your doctor you should tell him everything related to your health. There is no shame in admitting something is wrong with your mind and body.

If you do tell him everything honestly he asks, you will be on your path to recovery. I am not asking you to tell him every detail of your life like a narrator reading a novel, I am asking you to tell about the impulses you have. That does not mean you shouldn't ask us here either.

Wish you all the best.

Well thats what i dont understand. Its not about sexual arousal or gratification of any kind. It feels exactly like it did when I was little and acted on my first impulse with the dog. I had this overwhelming urge to press my dogs mouth to my privates. I was clothed. It started out as an anxious thought. Then it rose into an incredible anxious urge. Then I acted and it was horrible. The feeling of hate I had for myself. It was in no way for sexual gratification though. Nothing happened down there. Its the same now. These anxious thoughts come. I then have anxious impulses but I dont act. They go away then come back later. Usually because of some trigger. I dont get off on any of this.

It just never went away but I learned not to act becausee it made me feel bad and I didnt want to hurt people. My impulses kinda of got a little worse by the time I was 11 because I had a sexual encounter with my cousin one year younger. Her idea not mine. Then i acted it out on my much younger sister but it was never about anything sexual gratification wise. I dont ever remember a time I dodnt have these impulses and bad thoughts. Except when I was 14 I was very happy and none of this was going on. When I had my daughter at 27. ***** hit the fan. The impulses where the worst. What I dont get is I dont remember any sexual abuse from adults so I dont really understand why my sexual encounters with peers affected me so much.

You were not supposed to understand that without being pointed out by a doctor or mental health professional. So don't worry about it. The impulses, as you describe them, could be stemming from OCD, but we cannot be sure without considering the rest of your behavior pattern. Here is the diagnostic criteria for OCD.

Aside from recommending you to openly talk about it to your GP (doctors see clinically worse patients) and ask for a possible referral to a psychiatrist, I cannot do anything. It may be OCD, but I am not sure.

What do you mean? The first sentence.

You cannot know whether or not you have a specific mental disorder by yourself.
Like you cannot be sure whether you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Social Anxiety Disorder and still get the self-diagnosis verified by a psychiatrist.

Ive already been diagnosed by both my therapist and my pdoc with Ocd and sexual trauma issues. All I wanted to know is if my Ocd was like others because I find it odd. Itdoesnt feel like Ocd to me. I used to think if i could believe my therapists when they said i am like this because of sexual trauma. I could say ok i have a reason i am like this but i know people who have been through very bad child sexual abuse and dont have impulses. I feel like a major freak.

Most of the sexually wrong stuff that happened to me that I remember came from peers, and we don't always remember abuses. You could be damaged by things involving your peers, and you could also have suffered abuses from adults. Probably one or both children were sexually abused by adults before their "encounters" and that's what the therapist was trying to ask/suggest to you?

I understand the fear thing. Sometimes people I have no sexual feelings for will be near me in certain positions and I instantly think that something could happen and feel fear. Sometimes in public I have this fleeting thought that I'd masturbate there somewhere and there's nothing fun about it, it's scary, like it's going to happen against my will. The latter seems to happen in waves sort of like an anxiety flare-up, I've thought it several times in a close period of time and then gone long stretches of time and never thought it.

Nonsexually, every single time I shave under my arms, I have the thought that I'm going to either deliberately or accidentally cut my eye with the razor.

I think the "against my will" part is a crucial thing to think about.

Thats EXACTLY what its like for me. When these impulses come up its a fear I will act against my will.There is no plan. Its just a fear that I will act impulsively then an impulse to do so that I fight. I have had many Ocd themes. When that stuff happened with peers it just jumpstarted my impulses. The one with hurting kids sexually was my first Ocd theme. Others have come and gone but that one remains. It seems like Ocd but also in a way it doesnt because no one else that I know with Ocd thinks like me and two as a child i have acted on impulses as a child and people with Ocd dont
act. These impulses can be towards anyone. Like i said even the dog.The major thing that makes me fear this is something bad is at age 8 I began being interested in children and woman. I would look at their body innapropriately and found something emotional them. By 11 I realized I was interested in younger children. That has never gone away but I dont wish to touch them or anything. Its just like the attraction stuck. I dont know how that happens and why. How did sexual encounters with peers effect you? I was a willing participant as far as I can remember.

I'm not sure what category it fits into when you're afraid and then you do the thing you're afraid of. Sounds familiar to me, like I've heard about it before, but I'm not sure what it is.

Then again, sexual abuse can be very complicated. Particularly when you're young, you can get mixed up about boundaries and desires. You can find yourself unable to or not even thinking about saying no, you can find yourself even putting yourself in positions for things to happen. You can become promiscuous. I believe it can also lead to doing things to others.

I don't remember very well what I did about things like that. It was usually just a mixture of intimate and mean stuff or doing other things to me that weren't wanted. There were varying different degrees of protest on my part that I don't remember well. Sometimes I don't think I thought to say or do anything, or I may have complained. Apparently I asked someone's father to make them stop doing this mess to me they often did and he didn't because I remember complaining to my mother about it. A lot of times it didn't seem odd or unusual, it's like oh, they're treating me like crap again. I acted out things with stuffed animals and Barbies. I was working out some stuff with Barbies no child should know about. Have no idea how I did. And me and other preteens and early teens did things, with clothes on, that were supposed to be "wanted" if that's possible.

I dont know either. I know I dont have any memory before seven years of age. Literally all i have ever kwown about me was sexual. From 7 up. My first memory of me is the o*ral with my peer. I know other kids didnt want to play with me and made fun of me because I played sexually but i dont remember who started the oral just that we were in a 69 postion. I have had several people on this board say that is normal for 7 year olds so i dont know. My counselor said it isnt but couldnt it just have been taught to me by the boy? Then its just childs play so why did I act it out on an animal and doll. What really upset me is that my counselor said humping betwwen me and my 10 year old cousin at 11 was normal so why did i do that to my sister who was 3?

I've known lots of children with messed up things like this, but I fear it's not that it's really normal, as in how it would be in healthy kids, just common for children to have been abused. Maybe you should try to find a therapist with a great background in sexual abuse? They could help you sort out the truth at least, and if it is indeed sexual abuse, I'm certainly not qualified to really say, they would be the right person to see.

Yes thats true but no therapist is going to tell me I was sexually abused if I dont remember being sexually abused. For one she says she doesnt have a crystal ball when I ask her and for two I could take legal action against any therapist who says I was without knowing. Exspecially with the whole false memory thing.

Oh. It still seems like someone like that would be more qualified to deal with your symptoms? Maybe you could call one, briefly describe your situation and see if they say they'd be best to see you or recommend you to whoever would be best?

Yeah unforunately most cant help me much because I dont know what happened to me to make me like this. Ive seen alot of therapists they all say that they dont have a crystal ball or something very similar. As far as the impulses go i have had like 7 pdocs and therapists say it was Ocd. Itd just I dont believe it. It doesnt make sense.

I can understand why that's leaving you feeling unsatisfied. What treatments are they expecting you to do for that? Can you discuss that?

Well she said obessions and anxiety body work and eventually exposure therapy. For trauma EMDR. I am terrified to do that because I might uncover memories.

Well, it sounds like they are seriously trying to help you address your symptoms. Have you spoken to them about the fear of uncovering the memories? I mean that's certainly not odd to feel that way, but it looks like you are having to weigh out the confusion of not knowing versus the pain of finding out.