Molestation in family, only one not in denial...

I am going to try and keep this brief, but if you've seen any of my previous posts, you know that's sort of difficult for me...

My uncle was convicted on multiple counts of child molestation on young boys in November of '08. He has 3 children, 2 biological children, one male - now about 9, and 1 female - now 16, and one male - adopted, now 28. He used to work with troubled male youth, which is how he had so much access to the victims. My cousin was adopted as a pre-teen, and it has always been whispered about it my family, in regards to the very odd relationship that the two of them have, and the concerns over what may or may not have happened there.

Many of the people who testified at my uncle's trial were members of our former church, and people that our family has known and trusted our entire life. However, my ENTIRE family, including my father, who spent upwards of 40k on my uncle's trial, are vehemently in denial about my uncle's illness, and continue to breed hatred and lies in the hearts of my now 16 year old female cousin, and anyone who will listen for that matter.

Before the trial, my uncle told me that he still showered with my then 7 or 8 year old biological cousin, and knowing what I know about the whispers and the questions we've all had about him over the years, (except for now that he's been convicted, of course. Now it's like none of that ever happened) it made my stomach turn to hear him tell me this. Then, within a week or so of my uncle telling me this, my adopted adult cousin tells me that he slept alone with my biological male cousin when his parents were out of town, because he was "afraid" to sleep alone. This, too, made me sick to my stomach. Call it intuition, I don't know.

After my uncle's conviction, I found the courage to call protective services and make a report about my uncle and my cousin over my concern for my young male cousin's safety. He was already exhibiting signs that I know can stem from abuse, eating problems and weight loss, trouble in school, social awkwardness, over-attachment to both my uncle and adult cousin, etc.

Well, I made the mistake of telling my father that I had called protective services when he questioned me about it, because I don't lie... it's just not who I am. And my father is a private investigator, so I thought he would find out sooner or later anyway. And HE told the rest of my family.

This was all back at the end of '08/beginning of '09.

My cousin had started dating my used-to-be best friend shortly before my uncle's trial, and proposed to her after a few months of dating. They are now married and expecting a child, a son, in April.

My family is a shadow of what it used to be, and I am basically the out-cast for having "turned" on them, by doing what I knew in my heart to be the right thing to do, even though, as far as I know, nothing came of the protective services visit to my cousin's home.

My aunt even called my father once when I was like 12 and told him that she was suspicious of my uncle sleeping in the bed with my then teenage adopted cousin, but turned it around on my father when she decided to confront my uncle on it and he blew up on her.

I'm sorry if this story is too fragmented, but I'm pretty upset right now, because through the beauty of social networking, I get to see my sister continue "friendships" with the very people who have ostracized me for trying to protect an innocent young boy, and when I tell her how much it upsets me, she tells me that she shouldn't have to "choose sides".

My used-to-be best friend never had a father figure in her life, and the step father that she did have was emotionally and verbally abusive, and far from affectionate or supportive. She is the type of person who would change her likes and dislikes according to who she was dating, and more than once over the course of our friendship she refused to speak to me for years at a time, and then came back to me when she didn't have anyone else to be there for her. When she did the same to me again this last time, and married my cousin, it was one of the most infuriating things I've ever experienced in my life.

To this day I cannot fathom her thought process through this. She HERSELF was uncomfortable with the relationship between my adopted cousin and my uncle before my uncle was incarcerated, but once the trial came along it was like none of it had ever happened. It is so strange to me... but at the same time, I know that all she really wanted was a man with money to come along and make her look complete and happy.

I try not to be, but I am terrified for this baby that is about to be born.

I'm going to stop now because I'm really starting to lose it and I don't need an episode right now, but I guess I just needed to vent.

I love my family more than anything, and it is very difficult after having grown up very close to all of them as a child, to now be completely distanced from most of them, and considered the transgressor in the situation, when all I was trying to do was help by being honest. My uncle used to tell me I was his favorite niece, I was born when he was about 15, and yet, he has allowed our family to turn on me and chosen to hide behind his lie and let me take the fall. Sometimes I want to write him and tell him what it has been like to go through all of this. Not to mention that I was pregnant the entire time that I endured the brunt of this...

But one thing does stand above all else for me, my son, will never have to experience what those poor victims did at the hand of my uncle, my cousin, or anyone else if I can help it. I do sincerely hope that they get help, that they can face the truth some day, that my family can heal and accept that truth, and more than anything that my old friend NEVER stands in the shadow and LETS something happen to her son like my aunt did to my adopted cousin.

I have been told that I just have to let them go, and move on with my life... but I'm not very good at letting go of people that I love. Especially an entire side of my family.

I just wonder sometimes how denial can be so strong in an entire group of people, that they would turn on the innocent, to protect the one convicted of the crime. It sort of contradicts the, "they're just protecting their family" explanation. Because, I used to be family, too.

Ya know, he should be in jail for the rest of his life. In the very least should have been required to register as a sex offender. But you know, money talks. I watched something similar going on with my brother-in-law. His side of the family had money. He is not in jail but can't even be around his own kids until they reach 18. No one can deny it because he was one of the "Dateline" idiots who got to meet Stone Phillips on tv. He still has to go to jail. But to deny it when children are at risk is criminal!

My uncle was sentenced to 16 years in prison. But my biological cousin denied anything, including anything with my adopted adult cousin, who VIOLENTLY denies anything between he and my uncle, or his little brother.

It did blow my mind however that they did not take more seriously my concerns, when he had been convicted of about 6 counts and had 4 or 5 witnessed testify against him. Why would the state not pursue with concerns over his biological son that he lived with right up until the day of the trial? They really do nothing but ask the child if it happened, and if he says no, they don't require psychological evaluation any further?

I do not know but if other kids testified, and he was sentanced to 16 years, how did he get out after the sentancing? Usually one would have to make an appeal and that takes time.

No, he's not out. He's in jail for 15 more years. But my family is trying to appeal the sentence.

Ain't no way. Might not serve the whole 16 years and even then, he's got to register as a sex offender. Hopefully he will never get to hurt another child. Oh, and child molesters are the number one targets of other felons. As far as your family being in denial about all this, I think this was your main point. We can control our own beliefs, unfortunately we cannot control others thoughts even if we know they are false. What is it exactly that you want from them at this point?

Reminds me of the idiom: No good deed goes unpunished.

When my brother in law was accused, his whole family said no way he is innocent, one of the loudest shouters was his close brother.

His close brother is now in prison for sexually abusing his grandchildren so I would be very careful when looking at his 'protesters' of innocence.

His other bother has now been accused as well. But so far has to go to court.

Well, my uncle is one of three brothers. Their biological father has not been in the picture since they were teenagers, and my father and my other uncle do not speak with him at all. My uncle in prison is the only one who maintained a relationship with his father over the years. My father actually said to me, that he was worried they would take my biological cousins away from our family because, "they're going to think that (my biological uncle) was abused as a child, and that means they're going to assume that we all were, and then if they assume that mom knew about it, they won't let any of us keep them." So, he was more or less revealing the truth of the whole situation right there. I don't think my father has ever acted out like my imprisoned uncle, he was so uncomfortable with my sister and I growing up that he wouldn't even bathe or see us naked after we were 1 or 2. In fact, a lot of my own personal issues stem from not having gotten the attention I wanted and needed as a teenager, from my father.

In regards to my uncle, I do not believe that he is a bad person. I don't believe that there are any BAD people. I think that things happen to people that make them into twisted version of themselves, and they end up acting out in destructive ways. But all people were babies once, and no babies are bad. Even murderers, imo, are not BAD people. It's sad and tragic that they ended up as ill as they did and made such negative choices, but they aren't bad people. Just lost, confused, scared, broken, and sick.

I am worried more about my cousin at this point, who is now having a son of his own. But I try to tell myself even though it APPEARS that nothing came of the interview by protective services, that in fact, I did the right thing, and that somehow, it helped. Even if it just scared my cousin enough to get him to move out of the home with my younger biological cousins (which it did), and planted a seed for them to eventually find healing.... but it was by far one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. BECAUSE I love my family so much, and, the protective services worker I spoke with when placing the complaint was a real you-know-what, which made it all that much harder.

My cousin even once said to me, "you have no idea all of the f-ed up things my dad has done to me." We used to be so close through my teenage years, and right up until all of this happened. It does hurt me that he feels like I betrayed him, because I just wanted him to find the help he needed to escape a vicious cycle of abuse. Instead, he directed all of his anger and hatred towards me, and has turned my uncle into some kind of saint, and in general he has become some sort of martyr for our family.

I forgot the clincher, my adopted cousin and used-to-be best friend are naming their soon to be born son, after my uncle.

This is not so unsusal when the issue is so shamefull that the other members of the family feel tainted by the crime, even if they had nothing to do with it. It's also much harder for young men to admit that they have ben sexulaay abused. The level of denial there is just austronomical. In fact, most abusers count on the shame keeping opoeple's mouths shut, The one who reporsts is the one who is thought to have stripped the family naked in public.

Although most abusers were abused themselves, most who have been abused do not go on to abuse children. It's good to haveyou eyes open about your cousin, but it is entirely possible that he is not abusing his child.

You were right to report what you know. and i am sorry that your family didn't support you or, in a way, your cousins. If they had, maybe the cousins may have felt strong enough to testify against your uncle. Well, at least you did. I'm sory you're hurting for it, but i think you are a courageous young woman. Huggs and masses of kudos!

I have a feeling that this is the core issue that has become the tie that binds the family together. If that is the case, they would probably see you as a threat and close ranks against you. I know it is not fair or right, but in this instance, this denial is a very strong malidaptive coping mechanism. It is an old strong way of keeping the family together...with shame and secrets. Anyone who goes against them will bear the brunt of this. If someone does not go along even if they really are not in denial may choose to go along with their lie so they will not have to go through the pain you are going through. And you know what? You are the perfect example of what will happen to them if they don't at least play along. This means they are projecting their pain onto you. What you need is a really strong support ndtwork of which if you like we can be a part of. But it is important to also have a therapist, a pdoc if needed, support groups and supportive friends. You might also want to google inscest support sites.

You have no idea how lucky you are to know what you know and to face it for the truth regardless of who supports you.

Sometimes others are in shock, instead of denial, where the shame keeps them silent. The hurt it causes is all too real on both sides. Hang in there and keep giving to those who ask.

When I was probably 8 or so, my oldest brother started "wrestling" with me. It started out as something along the lines of 3 of my brothers, him included, and I having pillowfights and taking turns wrestling in the basement. Although I didn't like the wrestling, my brothers also engaged so I was sort of pressured into it. Then one time my parents told us all to stop doing that - almost immediately, the wrestling circle stopped, as did the pillowfights. Except they didn't stop for me. Every time I went into the basement alone (to watch a movie, to see who was downstairs, to see if we had ice cream in the freezer, etc.), my brother (whose room was downstairs) would do one of several things. He would wrestle me to the couch and lie on top of me, my face down. Struggling was worse, because it was almost as if he had more control or got more enjoyment out of keeping me down. If I tried to get up, he would wrestle me back down to the couch.
Soon the wrestling sort of relocated - instead of being wrestled to the couch (sometimes) he would wrestle me to the bed in his room. From there, I remember very little, but I'll write some of the memories I can remember:
1. I remember playing some sort of poker game with him, wherein having lost, I had to pull down my pants and let my brother kiss my butt.
2. I remember licking the duct tape off my mouth, after which my brother stuffed a pair of socks into my mouth and put a new piece on
3. I remember being in a partially mesh bag meant for holding those mummy sleeping bags for camping
4. I remember feeling something (I have it in my mind as a flashlight) being pushed against my **** (but I do not remember whether it was inserted)
5. I remember having my best friend over to watch movies downstairs - I was pulled into my brothers room (I don't remember what happened there), and when I walked out of it my brother pulled my best friend into his room. I remember hearing her cry as I stared at the TV. She called her mom that night (much later) to have her pick her up (it was one of the early sleep-overs, so nothing was suspected). The next time I saw her (for more than 5 minutes) was when she enrolled in my highschool. She had severe anorexia, and at the time a boyfriend who promoted it.
6. I remember either seeing or hearing about my younger brother being tied to a cupboard in our laundry room (downstairs) dressed in a pink tutu. My parents were aware of this, and told me that they were very mad at my oldest brother for doing so. We have not ever mentioned it since.
Those are probably my most vivid memories. In 8th grade, my English teacher insinuated that he had a strange and unwelcomed relationship with his older half-brother. Immediately knowing what he meant, I began emailing him for emotional support (but not telling him my own experiences). Then one day after school I met with him in his classroom because I had implied in one of my emails that I had had an unwelcomed relationship with my own brother. After telling me that he had been raped as a child by his half-brother (more than once), I told him that I thought my brother had done something like molested me. He then informed me that he had to tell the head of the guidance department and the principal, and within 48 hours they would have to meet with my parents. The school also called the police, who interrogated my brother about it - he was terrified, and denied having done anything. After meeting with my parents, the principal, and the head of guidance, I met with the police, who essentially told me that I had been molested, allowing my parents to claim leading questions.
The situation had totally blown out of proportion, and I think the process of investigation was as traumatic than the wrestling.
The police required that my brother and I be separated for 60 days. I lived with my grandfather for that time, separated from the rest of my family. I pretty much stopped talking to anyone for that time period and for the rest of the year. Having no support and no contact with my best friend, I continued to email my teacher who later interpreted one of my emails to mean that I was suicidal (I was not, to my knowledge). The principal, guidance counselor, and my parents met with me again, demanding I tell them what I meant. I was so horrified at what I had started, and engrained into my mind that I should not ever tell people how I feel or whether someone is hurting me. Having seen a couple of therapists and having a wonderful boyfriend has let down this wall some, after 4 years of holding it up.
To this day, my parents disapprove of my actions. When those 60 days were over, I apologized to my brother for what I had done. Still feeling guilty, I apologized again a year or two later. I continue to feel uncomfortable near him, even though I know there is not even a chance of him hurting me again.
The relevance to your story - my parents sided with my brother, and I was the wrong-doer. It's easier to pretend that something didn't happen than to accept that someone you love did something horrible.

How tragic, swallace.

Oh swallace. (((huggs))) I think you are remarkably brave for having shared your story. Your strength is inspiring. I didn't see this until tonight or I would have responded sooner. I am truly blown away by your courage.

(((((((((Swallace)))))))) I am so sorry. I am glad that you have gotten support from your boyfirend and have had a good T to work with. Huggsss.

(((loveregardless))), (((swallace)))

I can relate to the family denial of shame scenario.

My older brother had molested me at 9. I really don't understand why it was (almost seeminly) "allowed" to continue, as my parents were aware to some point, of what older brother was up to with me.

I used to justify it as maybe it was because there were so many of us kids, (7 boys, 3 girls), that maybe they were just too busy to attend to us individually. It wasn't until older brother tried to redirect his behavior from me and onto my younger sister (of 3 years). I just couldn't allow this tohappen to her, so I took the matter to my parents.
I do not recall how parents attended to it, but fortunately, my brother had stopped his behavior entirely and little sister was not harmed as result.

Just out of High school, my older brother had married, joined the Air Force, and seemed to be happy...living a productive and healthy life, which seemed to last for 10 years, or so.
It wasn't long after that when he apparently began to ahve troubles. Arrested two different times for public exposure. He began therapy, which lasted for what seemed to be an eternity...years upon years of it. Although (I don't recall) him resorting to further public display then, he did begin to behave...(if this is possible) as though he was getting "too much" therapy, or possibly the wrong kind of therapy. I cannot really say, as I've never received therapy, so I am absolutely ignorant regarding that.
It just seemed he had changed, but not exactly for better.

At any rate, about 10 or so years ago, my brother , (then visiting another brother in Las Vegas), was driving about and discovered a 13 year old mentally challenged girl who was walking with her bike, (apparently, one of the tires had flattened).
He had picked her up to assist her with her flat tire on her bike, drove her to the outskirts of the city and pleasured himself in her presence. Drove her back to her home, where her parents were out front with the police, reporting her absence.
My brother was immeditately arrested for kidnapping and sexual misconduct with a minor child.
He was sentenced to 25 years without possiblility of parole in the State of Nevada.
There is a twist to this story. Because he was a resident of the state of California at the time of his arrest, California laws were also applied, (he was extrodited to California, put on trial, and convicted for the same crime), which resulted in another 25 to life sentence).
IF my brother lives long enough (he's now 53) to complete the Nevada term, he will immediately be sent to California to live out the remainder of his years there.

Ironically, my entire family turned their back on my brother except for my younger sister and myself. This is where I'm somewhat confused about how the denial of family shame comes into play.
The only two people that he actually violated (well, he tried to with my sister), are the only ones who see it for what it is...A family memeber who needs our support.
The shame that he brought into the family is not spoken of amongst us, despite my past efforts of discussing with them. They want no part of it.

A very sad situation for my brother. Even thought he brought this upon himself, that is no cause for disowning him as a memeber of family. I love him no less.

Shangrala

((Loveregardless))
((Swalace))
((Shangrala))

Loveregardless - you did the right thing and it's terrible your father defended and helped your uncle. I don't understand behavior like this. Abusers like your uncle are often very manipulative and charismatic. I'm glad he's in jail and I'm sorry to say but I hope he gets to feel what it's like to be assaulted. Regarding your sister - she's not as brave as you, so she can't take sides and that's okay. Tell her you can still be sisters.

Swallace - thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through this - your brother should have been sent away not you. So glad you have a supportive boyfriend.

Shangrala - so sorry to you too my friend. I find these incidents so maddening and I don't understand why this happens. You're a great person to still have compassion and love for your brother.

I've mentioned this before, but I had 2 close calls - once with my own brother in law when I was 13 and once when I was 18 with my boyfriends boss. Luckily by the grace of God I got away, but it still traumatized me. I can't imagine how victims of sexual assault must feel. This is why I promised when I had kids, I would protect them with vigilance of a lion. My oldest will be getting her black belt soon, so she's strong physically and mentally.

Very intense thread. .
The survival strength that is exhibited through your retelling and in the way it has played out in your lives shows you all have the ability to support those that may still have difficulty expressing in words, or even to admit.




dyzan.
~waves~

There is just so much hurt in the world.

I feel the same way towards my family, and I am currently dealing with the fact that I am going to have to face my own bizarre sexual behaviors, starting as early as a toddler, and through therapy figure out what may or may not have happened to me. Something I've just pushed aside until now.
Because I wasn't ready before now.

I reported my family because I love them and I wanted them to get help. I wanted it to stop. That's what makes it hurt all the worse that they are directing HATRED at me.

I think we are all very brave her at PC. Pretty remarkable people.

My brother, after being encouraged by a friend, tried something ONCE. I told him to stuff it and locked myself in the bathroom. I told my parents. They cornered my brother. There was no repeat, and the friend was never over at our house again. The thing that amazes me is how dysfunctional families can get where either people feel theu cannot tell their parets, or parents refuse to take control of the situation and make sure it stops. In my brother's case, it was probably a fluke. He knows better, he never was interesed before, and he certainly lost the interest after this "friend" was no longer in conct with me. He knew he had stepped over the boundary and didn't go after me.
I can't help but wonder what was going on in the family besides this that made these boys feel that this behavior was "OK". Maybe if your brother had been caught earlier, Shangrala, he might never have gotten to the point he did. May your selfless love be rewarded. Huggs

These stories are really amazing and at the same time they are sickening.
I had an older cousin that used to pull me into the bathroom or into his bedroom and french kiss me and run his hands all over me when I was 9 years old up to 11. He did a lot of other sexual things to me too. **** sex and forced oral sex. I never told anyone because we all lived together, there were 9 kids and two adult women, my Mom and my Aunt. My cousin was much older than me at the time. I remember he got drafted into the Army and I wished he would get killed in combat, unfortunately for me he got stationed close by home and I managed to duck him for 2 years, then he got married, divorced, disappeared for a while, someone said he was locked up in Arizona for molesting kids. He came back and remarried, had several kids and I think he molested one of the girls. He dropped dead a few years ago at age 56. I can remember being tied up, forced to have sex, gagged, assulted by several of his friends in the neighborhood, etc.
When he died I told my Mom what he had done to me, it then came to light that he tried with one of my brothers but was unsuccessful. He also reportedly raped his sister many times.

I have been DX with dissociation (sp) NOC. I swear I am 2 people and I am known in some circles by a different name. have some good periods of time and then I have times when I fault myself, why didn't I fight? Why did I like it sometimes? Why did I invite it to happen sometimes. I feel like a freak and a bad person. I wish I would have told, fought and bit his d ick off.

Sorry gotta go.............................Triggers........time to find my safe place.

Eric

i couldn't read the whole thing... but i didn't need to.. i know enough on my own to know that you did do the right things and the pain in your words makes me so sad. They teach us to try to do the right thing but they don't teach us that no one likes it when you do.

being exiled sucks

i understand... i truly do, more than i'd like to.

wishing you peace

50guy. I hope your safe place made it all better. Thank you for sharing your story. You did nothing wrong. Please know that.

Thank you to everyone for sharing. I think everyone is so strong and am glad this has become a space where others can feel safe to share.

I haven't shared all of the details of my own experiences, because I don't feel I am ready to be as strong as all of you have been. But please know that your support means the world to me, and I hope that you know you how truly brave you are.

Something happened to me, too. But I don't know what. And I know I have to go there soon. And it's scary. And it's too much sometimes. And I am trying to learn to take things slower, and let it be ok for a while where it is.

My thoughts are with you.