What do I do?

As some of you may know my income is controlled by my brothers and I have to go to Ireland to discuss my finances with them on a fairly regular basis. That is not a problem and works well and ensures that I do not overspend.

However the problem arises when I get back here to Amsterdam. My partners mother spends money like it is going out of fashion, She is by no means well off and every week without fail she phones us looking for money. If we say no she starts to cry and my partner feels awful although I feel personally let her cry, she might manage her own money if it wasnt so free flowing from us. She went on holiday last year (she goes every year abroad) we pay for it. But she asked for 1,500 USD spending money. Now it doesnt matter how much money a person may have but this is taking the biscuit. She put up an awful scene until she settled for 1000 USD. But every week she gets between 100 and 150 dollars from us. I am sick of it. I have done without things and cut back as I had to give her money. She gets a reasonable pension and there are 5 other siblings in the family who do not contribute to her welfare. I feel used and a soft touch.

What brought it all to a head was I came back Saturday from Ireland after a finance meeting with my brothers, I usually bring back cash with me to lodge to my account. This is money I have inherited from my family and I use it for bills, investments, and the odd holiday. This time I didnt bring back money as it didnt warrant it.

Within in an hour of me coming in the door she was on the phone looking for money, she asked my partner for 40 euro and he truthfully said he didnt have it. Then she said "Oh well, Paddy is back, he is loaded so get it from him and try and get more out of him".

I was horrified and raging mad. I feel I am just being used. They talk about me in colloquial dutch so that I cannot understand what they are saying but as my classes in dutch progress I understand more and more. My mother left me very valuable silver ornaments which I have in the apartment and I caught her making fun of them, saying she could buy the same in the market for a fraction of the price, that hurt me greatly.

Am I just being selfish and should freely give the money or am I being used. I just dont know what to do. This may sound extremely selfish to some of you but the money she gets is not going on bills and daily living but on clothes etc.

Am I being mean. I have been getting a disability allowance from the government until recently and have being living within this but this has come to and end and my partner is up to his eyeballs in debt so we live off my money. And that money is not a bottomless pitt, that is my retirement pension and all financial obligations that I have to meet.

((((((((((((((((((Paddy)))))))))))
imo just stopped it u should stop giving her money ,she using u and no matter what she said even she fells to cry just ignore it ,u should try and it might be hard...she know ur weakness and using u and she will kept doing that until u treat her differently
u not mean at all to her but u always mean to me ..lol
love you ...

Paddy, I don't see where you owe her anything nor does she seem to appreciate what you've given her previously. Since you don't seem to like her much, nor she you, and she does try to use you at every opportunity, I also don't see where you'd especially feel like giving her money when you don't owe it to her.

What's with the mean and selfish? It never occurred to me to think you had a mean or selfish bone in your body till you started worrying about it. Right now you sound like you'd do almost anything to avoid being thought mean and selfish -- which, unfortunately, is exactly the way to create the perception that you must be mean and selfish after all.

-----------------------
To illustrate how that works: Years ago I was doing some volunteer work. One of the guys on my team kiddingly called another by the m-f word. The second guy got thoroughly indignant and made a huge scene -- don't anyone dare to ever call him the m-f word again! I don't think anyone ever did, to his face, but even years later I couldn't pass him on the street without thinking more or less automatically, "Oh, there goes m-f!"
-----------------------

Anyway, I think the operative word here is "boundaries".

----------------------------------
Hey, if I promise to be as unappreciative as she is, will you send me some money too?

Its time for you to cut her off because she gets a paycheck and she knows when her money runs out she know she can get some from you and thats fair for her to do that let her know she have to use her money wisely .That was the same thing with my brother he wanted his cake and eat it to so I said you better save your money or you want be getting my money .I hate to say shes a con artist good lucks huggs

Hey I meant thats not fair to you.

You are not selfish. She is a grown woman and she is manipulating you and your partner. While you cannot control what your partner does, you can stop from giving her your money. You are not being mean. Truthfully, even if she were starving, its still not your responsibility to take care of her. You may chose to help her, but its not your responsibility. One other thing, if you and your partner share a banking account then, imo, you do have the right to say "no more". She's never going to stop using if you don't stop giving her the money.

I think its ok to be a softy. Its sweet and I think you are probably very loving, but putting your foot down about being used doesn't change that you are a loving and generous person. She is taking advantage and also being rude (with the negative comments about you and your stuff). Let her take care of herself.

(((paddy)))

((((((((((((Paddykins)))))))))))

I understand how hard it can be to put your foot down, but this woman sounds like she doesn't need or apprceiate what you and your partner are doing for her.

As hard as it is, you need to put a stop to it, it's desrespectful to you and your partner, and it isn't ya'lls responsibilty to take care of her, and her snarky remarks and desrespect to you is WAY out of line.

cutting her off, doesn't make you selfish or rude, it's you taking care of yourself and your partner, remeber your self care is very important hun

Keep us updated

Lots of love
Typo

Holy heck! Talk about going above and beyond! Time to just say no in my opinion. It may be challenging to get your partner to accept this and back you up, but it is actually his boundary to make, since she is his mother. No doubt she will make a huge fuss, but you will be well within your rights to just tune her out.
i don't care how much money you have or don't have. That is not the issue. Her greed is the issue!

((((Paddy)))) Her country turned you down for disability, didn't they? Will she be willling to pay for you and the treatment you need and the possibility that something else might happen that means that you would need to rely on financial help? Of course, not. She has no right, with the pension that many western Europeans get and the other siblings in the area, to hit you up for money. If your partner wants to give her money, that's up to hm, it's his mom, poor man. You should not have to fund her slush account. There is a difference between being selfish and doing what you have to in order to protect yourself. Otherwise, she will suck you dry and move on, and you and your partner will have to bear that burden.
I'm sorry, harsh words. I just hate to see someone playing on your wish to be decent and generous in order to live the good life at you cost. Huggs dear.

((((((((((paddy)))))))))))

I think you have gotten some very good advice here. Regardless, it will be hard to follow it as:
1. You share your money with your partner
2. Your partner shares the money with his mother
3. It sounds as if your partner learned money management skills from his mother and thinks his Mom's behavior is OK?

I am late to this conversation, but it sounds as if you are subsidizing both of them. In order for you to be firm with his mom, your first conversation must be with your partner.

Keep taking the Dutch lessons and put the silver in a safe deposit box! Good luck and keep us posted - we are concerned for you.

I agree with everyone else that you need to stop giving it to her hon. if you are having to go without because of her you need to stop! you are worth more than that! she has no respect for you and frankly your partner should not even ask you for it! you are too kind hearted my dear friend!

I agree that you need to stop giving her money. But also agree that you need to be firm with your partner. If you have a shared bank account you might want to get your own so you can control your own money. This may (probably will) cause friction with your partner. If it is in a shared account then he could just take it out and give it to her without your approval. If you don't think you can talk it out on your own with him, getting couples therapy to discuss the money issues might help. Money is a hard topic to discuss.

Yes I know you are all right, maybe it is time to move on to pastures new and get some respect back in my life, I do love my partner and same sex marriage is the norm in holland but something holds me back. There are the financial implications where all I have would be his and thus go down the drain and my brothers would be dead against it for this reason and I respect them. But I cant take the personal insults anymore, they make out I act above them but really it is inverted snobbery. I wouldnt dream of thinking myself better than anyone else and then there is the talking behind my back which my partner does join in on occassion which hurts the most.

I am very sad today as I realise loves perfect dream is not all it appears to be.

(((paddy))) I'm sorry you are going through this. It never feels good to have someone talk about us negatively. Its even worse when its someone you love. Would your partner be open to talking about all of this and, as others have suggested, getting therapy? I wish you the best of luck.

U really need to cut her off!

Hi Paddy,
since your partners mom gets a pension and you said her BF spends HER money and she's frivalous also - I think you absolutely need to cut her off. In addition you mentioned your disability is cut off, so you really need to watch your money(inheretance) very closely. If you don't want your inheretance money to go to your partner, then don't officially marry him, unless a legal prenuptual document could be drawn up. You and your partner need tolearn to say "no" to her and she doesn't sound like she appreciates your help - in fact she sounds bold and is taking advantage of you. Money can cause so many problems - whether too much money or too little -there's always problems.

(((((((((Paddykins))))))))))

Love is hard, espically when a partner's family is diffcult to deal with, as for marriage Lynn P had a good point about a pre-nup if you and partner decided to get married.

Always here for you, keep us updated on how things are going hun.

Lots and Lots of love
Typo

Sorry i misunderstood at first Paddy about it being your mom - I corrected my post. For sure you shouldn't give giving her a penny and your partner shouldn't make you feel like you should help her. Be firm and tell her the bank is closed at this point.

Paddy

How are you today? Your friends are concerned for you. Know that we are here for you and hope all is well.

Slow

I am so much better for having shared here and got the support i so badly needed, You all gave me the strenght to stand up and say enough is enough. I spoke to my partner last night and said that that was the end of it no more charity cases and manipulatives telephone calls.

SO thanks to you all I have seen the light and can move on now.

Great news my lawyers wrote to me today to say that the are appealing the decision about my disability, which is really terrific

Iam sorry that you are sad today

Good for you Paddy - you don't owe anything at all to your partners mother and I'm glad you feel you have the strength to stand up for that. Here a simple 4 word statement "the bank's permanently closed!!" That's great news about appealing your disablility - best of luck with that.

I can't believe I missed your post here Paddy......have been in & out of here & end up missing a lot.....

You know there isn't a mean bone in your body......unfortunately when we are caring & want to help people that leaves us open for people to take advantage of. It's hard to want to be careful......but I am so glad to hear that you set your foot down with your partner.....I know this isn't the first time this has happened....remember (about 6 months ago) they were trying to pull the same thing on you. Think the fact that it's continually repeating itself....it's good that you think of ending the relationship actually.

Personally any together relationship requires respect on both sides.....can't have a successful relationship if it's not both sided when it comes to respect.....financial, emotional, all around respect in all areas.....you can't build a relationship on feeling of love....it will fail every time if the relationship isn't surrounded by respect above all else. (speaking from personal experience). I have found that when I realized that I never respected my husband or trusted him to take care of me the way I would take care of him......I couldn't love him either & realized that I never did love him when I realistically looked back at the overall relationship & feelings.

I know that we get comfortable where we are & change is really uncomfortable & even scary & stressful......but honestly from my personal experience.....I am so much better off alone than in a bad relationship. Alone is really a very good, healing place to be & gives ourselves a chance to focus on developing our own values & thoughts & actions that aren't based of reactions to others people, but to the life we need to live for our own well being.

I would not trade being alone for anything & would never consider allowing anyone back into my life in any close relationship of any kind. Have recovered my true values I had lost (or were hiding under the mess) & the person I really was that didn't have to feel the need to fight for survival (not literal, but mentally).

Hoping that all is going better with you now.....& I appologize for not seeing your post sooner my friend,


Debbie

Dear Paddy,

Sorry just saw this thread. Now that you have spoken to your partner, please stick with it. You know, its very rude to speak in another language in front of some-one else.

Your partner is on a very good wage. Maybe ask him to pay for they next few holidays........ (tell him you can help sort his debt out if he hands it all over to you?)

Please stay strong hun.

(((Paddy)))
I am so greatful for you. You are so selfless and think of yourself last, time for that to change and think of Paddy first. I am so proud of you for talking to your partner and thinking that things need to change, which i am sure you have been thinking/wanting for a while now.
I am wish you my thoughts and prayers.
Take good care and let us know how things are going.
Love and hugs,
Jen