A prisoner

I am a prisoner to my rage. My head is ready to explode from my shoulders. I dare not leave my room for fear of what I will do with this rage boiling faster and faster inside.

I relented last night to my son's hounding to allow a friend to stay over. He wouldn't accept no for an answer. He wouldn't accept my refusal to discuss it any more. To hold him to our agreement. No friends until his room is clean. I told him that I was sticking to it this time. I was not listening to his empty promises. Deliver first. He wouldn't stop until I finally gave in behind a wall of frustrated tears. They both promised to clean the room tomorrow. Behind the tears I told them that I would not put myself through the stress of nagging them but if they didn't come through as promised the consequences for both of them would be major. I would wait to see.

I am livid for having been taking in again. Too livid to dare to leave my room. I have only enough control to keep myself locked in here. When I leave to go to the bathroom the best I can do is say nothing. Keep my mouth shut for my own sake. A good mother would say something. A good mother would insist they get to work. A good mother would not be a prisoner to her emotions. A good mother I am not. A sick head case I am. An out of control nut job is what I am. One day up, one day down. One day happy, one day flying off the handle. One day sailing, one day wailing.

The dog next store is barking incessantly. Something must be wrong. He is seldom outside for long and never this long in the pouring rain. Wonder if I should go check on the woman who lives there. Or maybe I should call the police. I would ask the boys to go check but I can't bring myself to speak to them. I pray they don't dare come to my door or I just know I will throw something at them. They would not be so foolish.

The barking has stopped now. Hopefully that means everything is okay. I wish I could sleep but I dare not try or efforts tonight will be futile. I wish I could get stoned but lucky for me I have nothing available to abuse. I wish I could fade away for a while. Just go numb for a while at least.

Nothing is working to calm me down. No breathing, no tapping, no music, no walk in the rain I took before the boys woke up. No warm shower, no songs of self affirmation prevent the rage and dispair from returning. From contoling me agin. The anger just rises with the recentment for having to do do do this and that and the other stupid rediculous useless coping thing again and again and again. I feel a prisoner to them and a fool for playing the game.

I come here to write.... hoping beyond hope that it will help me when nothing else has but alass I just feel humiliated for exposing my sorry state of existance. I just want to be normal again. To have a normal response to a normal life event. To be normal instead of the crazy person I have become. I just want off this insanity.

I'm sorry your going through all of this and feel this way. I hope it gets better for you. That's all I can really say because I know I don't have the words to be able to help you feel better. We are here for you though and if you ever need anything at all you can pm me. I'm usually on most of the time but if I'm away I will get back to you as soon as I get on here. I may not know what to say but I am a good listener. I wish you the best and hope things get better for you. Hugs ( if ok )

((((((( sanityseeker )))))))

Sanityseeker, how are you doing?

((Sanityseeker)) - I know very well that parent/child struggle and the unrelenting pull. You might want to try the garbage bag trick. When he's at school, put everything that's out of place in a garbage bag(even if it's obvious garbage, lump it all together), then remove all pleasurable things like a computer, CD player etc. Hide the garbage bag and then wait for a response. When he asks where his stuff is - hand him the bag and say " you'll get your pleasure items back, when everything in the bag in put in the 'proper' spot. I would even not give back the computer until he's kept it clean for a few days.

Thanks for the support. Good idea there Lynn. I just don't have the capacity to hold it together well enough to listen to the reactions for those kinds of approaches. He did eventually clean his room though it was dragged out all night long.

I am just so tired of the vicious cycle of meltdowns that make up my days. Always fighting back tears for one thing or another. Everything is a strain and the automatic response is to cry. All day long I just battle the tears that want to flow from the slightest strain and everything is a strain.

Wish I could be reporting things being better and I guess I was holding off posting until I did have something positive to say but it is what it is. I just keep on keepin on getting out of bed everyday and doing the best I can to not think beyond the moment.

Sanity seeker,

Such depth, such perception, such insight......

You are not far from your goal......would you laugh in terrible mirth if I said that this is a good thing?

I am also no stranger to rage...it has dominated my emotional lanscape for most of my adolescent and adult life. I have worked for years to understand, to control, to release, to accept and finally.......to forgive.

Your understanding of your rage is a good thing, despite its ferocity. You know it exits and so therefor you are AWARE. Awareness leads to acceptance which leads to healing.......not being sure of your circumstances I wonder if you have some support irl along the way.

I related to your post in ways that it would take me years to describe......and even if you think my words are a bunch of hooey, know this.....

you are not alone, you are loved and you are doing the best that you can. be kinder to yourself, dear dear person.

You deserve some softness as does your anger.......know that you are SAFE.

In stillness......

and take good care of your precious self,

Michah

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ang...5/METHOD=print

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ang...2/METHOD=print

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/24738

http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx#

My mom did the 'garbage' idea but actually threw out my clothes that I paid for.......


She is the jerk that happens to be my 'mommy dearest...'

I only recommend the 'garbage bag' technique after everything else has failed and of course, not throw away the bag. Personally I've never used that technique but saw it on some parenting show. It's shouldn't be used in an abusive way, but just to throw them off a little when nothing else is working. I meant it in a not so serious way I'm just a big softy.

I suspect the garbage bag trick like any form of leveraging motivation can only work if done without anger or doing any harm to the child's stuff. The challenge for me like with any attempt to mobilize action would be holding the line and not engaging in renegotiating the terms. If there is one thing I have done well it is to teach my son how to negotiate for what he wants. I think I really need to learn how to set the terms and say "End of discussion" and walk away without internalizing the strain.

Michah.... never would I think your words a bunch of hooey. I am touched that you and others care enough to offer so much kindness and support. I need to think about what you might mean about forgiveness relative to the rage. I don't act out in front of anyone anymore. I retreat when the rage builds and internalize the anger rather than let anyone else see it or be used or hurt by it. Not yelling or scream or throwing things in front of anyone saves me the embarrassment and regrets of the public outrage. I can catch myself well enough to stiffle until I can get alone but it is still a challenge to be able to talk myself down or through it without it owning me for a time. I guess once it does finally pass and I am left a bundle of exhausted spent emotions is when the foregiveness comes in. Rather than beating myself up about my lack of control or criticizing myself for over reacting and giving in to the sense of hopelessness.... maybe if instead I could just accepted it somehow..... I don't know.. that is where I get lost. I don't want to be so easily enraged about things people do or don't do. It isn't who I want to be. I don't want every response to things outside my control to be that of either raged or dispair. I can't seem to get a grip on the middle road.

While I give myself credit for controling the public raging I sometimes wish I could let it go just to get someone to listen to me and honour my rights. As it is now, no one knows when something angers me or when I don't agree with someone's action that affects me. I need to figure out how to communicate my needs and have a position without the drama.

Thanks Byz for the links. I will spend some time now reading them.

I hope you find something useful.

Yes... Byz... very useful. They have helped me reframe things that I have lost sight of lately. Specifically.... for my own benefit of reiterating them and perhaps for others who might be dealing with similar issues in there life....

"Expressing yourself in an assertive — not an aggressive — manner is the healthiest approach to handling anger. Being assertive means that you state your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them."

I think because I am so easily overwhelmed by any kind of stress, especially conflict I elect to try to escape any need to communicate. I get lost in the emotions and loose the capacity to communicate so I try to escape instead.

"But when anger is deemed unacceptable, people stay in a state of arousal, unable to pay attention to what is going on in the world around them, unable to regulate their own behavior and focused only on their inner emotional state. In fact, they tend to experience excessive physiologic arousal in situations involving negative emotions—but they tend not to display any external signs of emotional response. Imagine how that can confuse a friend or a spouse! That's because they hide their emotions but feel anxious in emotionally evocative situations."

That is exactly what I do now. When I used to express my anger aggressively I would never win. I would always pay for the mistake. I hide my rage now and turn it into self pity until it becomes self loathing. Instead of expressing my needs assertively I stiffle the aggressive feelings and hide away to vent and to cry about how nobody cares about how thier behaviour or attitude or choices or actions effect me. Why is he doing this to me? Why doesn't he do what I want him to do? How can he be so cruel? He has to know this is driving me crazy. He has to know I am upset. Why can't I get what I want? I end up just thinking that what I want or ask for or how I react to other people is so totally unreasonable that all I can figure is that its all hopeless. I'm hopeless.

"Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications."

That about discribes my family background. There was either yelling and shouting or avoidance. Nobody talked about their feelings without it coming back to bit them. We kept things to ourselves.

I think I get that suppressing isn't going to work for me in the long run. I need to be able to express my anger in a healthy way. To respect my anger and find a way to communicate with others about what I am angry about without it triggering all kinds of other emotional responses.

Now if I can just handle the stress and stay the course of a situation without the tears taking over at the slightest provocation I might make some real progress here.

Thanks again everyone. The materials Byz posted are well worth reading even if you are already familiar with the information.

Next time I will apply the wisdom rather than fall into the pattern of self abuse. I will do what I know in my head to do rather than give in to the overwhelmed emotions. I will breath and go for a walk and write and declare things as they really are and love myself through it and assert myself in a healthy way.

Here's to the next time because there is always a next time to try to do better. Sorry for the long ramble but I needed to get this out and let it go. To gain by declaring I can overcome this fear.

((((((( sanityseeker )))))))

I've used a similiar method with both my kids. If they refuse to clean up their room, I wait until they are gone and clean it myself. When I clean, I put a lot of their favorite things in garbage bags and put the bags in the garage. When they keep their rooms clean, they get to go fetch things out of the bags in the garage. It works for my kids and I get to actualize that anger that they won't just do what they are told.