[little*rhino]

Don't mind me... i'm kind of on a personal mission and i figure maybe what i am doing would be the right words, at the right time for someone out there.

something really shifted for me recently... a month or so ago, even T noticed it. i've been pondering just what and how and i'm not completely sure, but i knew i was at a real low and i had to do something. i think my best guess at what affected me is really grasping that i have been exisiting with the sole purpose of survival and nothing else. i stopped living, if i ever did, and i had been 100% just existing. Fighting to survive but not living.

in short bursts, that is essential sometimes, but don't delude yourself into thinking it is how is has to be for longer than that... living with nothing else but survival kills your spirit from the inside out and eventually you lose the fight to survive even. It's a catch 22. You sacrifice living so you can survive and eventually surviving isn't worth it.

in the depths of crisis and despair it is essential to find ways to live, regardless... to find small pieces of meaning and nurture your soul. Even Frankl says that and he was in a concentration camp... it doesn't get worse than that, but he believed in the power of meaning and living.

living isn't about what you have or status or anything... living is about how you look at the world and what joy you choose to take in... yes, CHOOSE to take.

i started looking for anything that brought me any shred of happiness or positive feeling. It didn't take long for me to see the power in this. Has it made my situation better? Nope. i'm still dirt poor with few prospects, recovering from surgery and i still have a giant gap in my life where love should be. The difference is how i am viewing all of it.

i could cry for hours over how unloved and unwanted i feel. i could... sometimes i do. But i think that is neglecting something important, it isn't all about what love we are given, it has a lot to do with what love we give. i have my dogs and i have people i love very much, regardless of what they give back to me. When i think about how much i love the dogs i feel something better inside, something that can outshine the sorrow if i let it.

that's just it... i think i let my own sorrow block out the positives... like an umbrella.

i'm taking real joy in the fact that i care about people and in the love i have for my dogs and i am seeing sweetness in the kindnesses people show me rather than just seeing the bitterness of what i don't have.

to me now.. really living means finding things that soothe the sorrow, give me something positive, a smile, anything. It means trying to take the time to just enjoy what i'm eating instead of cramming it in over the sink while i hurry off to do something i have to do to survive. It sounds trite, but it's really powerful.

the world has so much joy in it... the sun is shining... being able to notice that sunshine and feel appreciation for it is living.

i don't want to feel sad at the beginning of each day and i don't want to go to bed each night feeling just grateful that it's over.

so tell me... if you could start living today, what would that look like? What does living mean to you? If money were no obstacle, what would you do with yourself? Meaning... if the fight for survival were not necessary, what would you spend your emotional energy on? And, to the more realistic situation, assuming that for most money is a pretty big obstacle, what can you do in your small sphere today that would give you one shred of something positive? What small thing can you do to live right now?

peace..

(((((little*rhino)))))--You put my world in order in this thread...gee, you know you actually gave me goosebumps---I have been doing the same thing all of my life too.

Not truly living, just surviving---the reality of that fact blows my mind........

If I really began to live--well, if I really think about it; I do live when I can get a smile,
or a laugh out of someone........walking on Jones Beach in the middle of Winter.......
Actually creating something beautiful out of nothing.

I did live when my kids were young, I lived through them--it was the happiest time of my life--those precious moments with them.

I have to think more about your question-----you have truly stunned me!!

I send you hugs-------theo

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by little*rhino

so tell me... if you could start living today, what would that look like? What does living mean to you? If money were no obstacle, what would you do with yourself? Meaning... if the fight for survival were not necessary, what would you spend your emotional energy on? And, to the more realistic situation, assuming that for most money is a pretty big obstacle, what can you do in your small sphere today that would give you one shred of something positive? What small thing can you do to live right now?
peace..

Waking in the morning with energy. Being able to get dressed without struggles.
Appreciating the warmth of the sun, the beauty of all the splendid colors mother earth offers to us. Feeling good about myself, again, despite it all.
Making decisions without feeling I need to analyze them over until they're too complex to even deal with.

Being with the one I truly love...sigh.

Shangrala

[Lisa Michelle]

great post little*rhino, very cool of you to try to inspire some of us, to share you own realisation and perhaps give us our own realisation!
I've lately come to the same kind of conclusion, and I know I want more! I want to live! I've never been satisfied with just surviving, but I haven't quite found my way to be ok, to live. I'm working on it.
I do feel much better when it's sunny, to be outside in nature... that feels like living, taking in all the beauty. And trying to appreciate my family more, feeling the love more, I've been so moody lately, I want to reconnect with my mum and get the friendship back, to make HER happy again because I think I've drained her of a lot in the past few months. I'm going to work on being a nicer, happier person, someone who other people would WANT to spend time with. If I can be that person, there would be no reason to dislike myself!

Good luck in your own journey, little rhino it's so great to hear this shift inside you has happened and you are taking actual steps to have the life you want.

[little*rhino]

You totally made my day Truly.. thank you!

my mother did some of that.. lived through her kids, but i don't know that she really ever lived, even then. i don't think she stopped worrying about the negative "what-if's" long enough to ever see the "what is." It's good that you see this... and see how you once lived but now do not, seeing it is a gift because you can try to change it.

i don't know if you have read Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" but please do if you have not. You'll have to excuse the old-school way it's written due to the era, but it has a lot of insight that i haven't seen anywhere else. i appreciated his stance on "honoring suffering" and finding meaning. i was able to find ways to give myself credit for the obstacles i have struggled with, rather than just feel as though i had to smear a smile over pain.

validating one's pain is as important as anything, one cannot overcome what one cannot acknowledge

life after the kids move on... i don't know how to tell you to find how to live now, but you seem to be in the right mindset, for sure. The things you mentioned are exactly the right direction... that part is taking the time to appreciate the small pieces of happiness around us. So many things give us shreds of happiness but our minds don't see them collectively. Researchers say that people are generally happier than they seem to realize they are.. that's why we tend to see that happiness in hindsight when something bad happens. If we can train ourselves to actively register it consciously more in the moment, we can feel better generally.

i'm anxious to hear where you take this

Originally Posted by theodora

(((((little*rhino)))))--You put my world in order in this thread...gee, you know you actually gave me goosebumps---I have been doing the same thing all of my life too.

Not truly living, just surviving---the reality of that fact blows my mind........

If I really began to live--well, if I really think about it; I do live when I can get a smile,
or a laugh out of someone........walking on Jones Beach in the middle of Winter.......
Actually creating something beautiful out of nothing.

I did live when my kids were young, I lived through them--it was the happiest time of my life--those precious moments with them.

I have to think more about your question-----you have truly stunned me!!

I send you hugs-------theo

[little*rhino]

thanks lisa michelle

if you can look yourself in the eye and honestly say that you are working on it, then you are already doing it. Life is working on it.

there are so many tools and tips out there on how to do what it is you are seeking, there is bound to be some that will work for you - be persistent! i find it so encouraging to hear people seeking better ways, to be more. We all gotta cheer each other on.

i dont know if it would help but, what works better on those sunny days? You say you do better, etc... maybe it would help you to put words on those things. What works better? what feels better or different? You like being outside... how? why? what does it do? It's rhetorical, but it's essentially asking yourself to flesh out what matters. There are bound to be things you are doing or thinking on sunny days that may be applicable to rainy ones if you figure out what they are.

Congrats on your caring attitude towards others. Learning to like yourself is an admirable goal - don't give up on it because it will certainly have its challenges.

---

Shangrala... waking up with someone you love is one of the sweetest rewards in life. Treasure that.

Originally Posted by Lisa Michelle

great post little*rhino, very cool of you to try to inspire some of us, to share you own realisation and perhaps give us our own realisation!
I've lately come to the same kind of conclusion, and I know I want more! I want to live! I've never been satisfied with just surviving, but I haven't quite found my way to be ok, to live. I'm working on it.
I do feel much better when it's sunny, to be outside in nature... that feels like living, taking in all the beauty. And trying to appreciate my family more, feeling the love more, I've been so moody lately, I want to reconnect with my mum and get the friendship back, to make HER happy again because I think I've drained her of a lot in the past few months. I'm going to work on being a nicer, happier person, someone who other people would WANT to spend time with. If I can be that person, there would be no reason to dislike myself!

Good luck in your own journey, little rhino it's so great to hear this shift inside you has happened and you are taking actual steps to have the life you want.

[pachyderm]

It doesn't have to (better not have to!) take place all at once!

[little*rhino]

oh gosh no.. of course not! The opposite is usually the problem, we spend our lives making preparations for "life" so that when we finally live it, it sure will be great.

[shaggy dog]

Thank you little*rhino for the inspiration. I'm so glad you are at a good place. You(I guess we all) deserve to be at that sweet spot of our recovery in which we can reflect on years past and be thankful we made it through. I'm not quite there myself but by following in the footsteps of the people that have made it out I hope to get there too. shaggy

Before we walk, we crawl.

I plunge into unknown territory very soon. I pray that I can Enjoy it, rather than be frightened of it-------------Life is a Journey--a mountain trail-----with waterfalls and brooks and streams along the way----I intend to enjoy everyone of them!!!

The champion questions work for me: http://www.schoolforchampions.com/life/5questions.htm

Thank you for this thread, l*r. I’m happy to hear something has shifted for you in a positive way!

It's interesting that you write about living vs. surviving. A couple months ago a thought popped into my head that I have really been concentrating on. "If I am going to be alive, I don't want to feel like this". I have been asking myself what I need to do to change how I feel. How can I make being here "worth it"? What do I value in myself and others? What people do I WANT to keep in my life and which ones do I NEED to let go of? I have recently been exploring what I need to do on a daily basis to take care of my mental and physical health.

My T and I are working on a daily routine to fit my self-care needs into my day. My goal is to make my mental health as important as going to work. I am very willing to put the extra effort in at work, why am I not willing to do the same for my mental wellbeing? I am proud to say I have made some progress toward my goal. (Being okay about feeling proud is new for me.)

~I am learning how different foods affect my mood. I am learning what I should eat together and when.
~I am taking supplements which have made a world of difference!
~I have started T’ai Chi classes and practice it daily.
~I am evaluating my relationships. Appreciating and nurturing the healthy ones and setting aside the unhealthy ones. (BTW…this is extremely difficult. I am trying to walk away from the unhealthy ones in a respectful way. So they are clear about what doesn’t work for me and so I feel settled inside about how I handled them. Respect goes both ways.)
~I am working thru the book Unstuck by James Gordon, M.D. with my T. It’s eye opening!
~I am almost done with DBT. I only have 2 sessions left and I feel ready to be done with group. (I will miss some of my peeps terribly.) There is an after care group available if I feel I need a little support. It helps that my T is trained in and teaches DBT, however she is not one of my DBT therapists.
~My T and I are also starting to work on my abandonment issues. We have been skating around this issue for a while now. She will be leaving within a year and has encouraged me to confront this issue head on. I took her challenge.

I just realized as I was typing all this out that I am in the midst of a lot of changes. I did not start all of this at one time. As I become more aware of what I need/want I concentrate more in that area. When I felt comfortable with something new, I add something else to the equation. I am easily overwhelmed, so it is important that I take it at a manageable speed.

I have also read Frankl’s book and it was life changing. The concept that resonated with me most is how he related films to life. How each individual frame of a film doesn’t have much meaning, but when you put them all together to make a movie, a story is created. The full meaning can only be realized after you have seen the whole movie. The individual frames of the movie are like moments in life. Moments may not have much meaning individually, but when you put them together they form your life’s story. We will not know what “this” all means until we get to the end of our life and can put it into perspective. (Did that make sense? I had a hard time getting it out. Um…read the book…it’s worth it!)

Sorry for the lengthy post. I didn’t know I had so much to say.

- slip

Thanks for sharing, slip. I commend you for your hard work and successes.

Thanks Byzantine. I have had a lot of things in the works for a while. It feels like things are falling into place...finally!

little*rhino has been a great influence and support for me.

[little*rhino]

Originally Posted by theodora

I plunge into unknown territory very soon. I pray that I can Enjoy it, rather than be frightened of it

theo... firstly, many blessings on this phase you are entering, the unknown is the biggest fear factor there is... blessings and courage to you. Courage though, is not the absence of fear but what moves us despite being afraid. Having a goal of reduced fear is a good one, but takes time and practice. The practice comes each time we act anyway. To go into territory with the goal of not being afraid will possibly lead to disappointment and give you problems remaining confident because it isn't really helpful to aim for a lack of fear... aim instead for courage. Knowing that fear will come regardless removes the expectation that somehow you have the power to prevent it. Feelings just are, they come and we don't cause that. Gaining experience in managing that fear is what will reduce it's unpleasant presence.

so go into this with the full knowledge that fear is going to jump right into the seat next to you - but smile and feel brave. Handling new situations, walking into the unknown can be like going on an amusement ride - see fear as a motivator, as a sparring partner... let it be your indicator but not your master.

every little victory you get... every time you strap yourself into that seat, make sure you take the moment to remind yourself that you can ride any ride in the park and although you might throw up, you will walk out alive. It's really important to do that... to openly acknowledge to yourself that you can do it because you are doing it and have done it. Sometimes you may lose the battle, sometimes things don't work out the way we want and painful things unfold, but that is life, it doesn't mean you have lost the fight with fear. The only way to lose a battle with fear is to let it lead you.

so aim for courage theo... be afraid and act anyway

peace

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

inspiring and so true for me as well.but i am panic stricken,,what if i look and enjoy the good things in life and they are taken away or what i was seeing as good in life turns out to be bad?..............i am glad you found the strength to see the love in life...i guess im too afraid of losing love i hide

[little*rhino]

sorry for the lengthy post? never... don't ever shut yourself up. i encourage people to write... especially when it flows and you very obviously are working on these things.

i am very happy you read Frankl... that book always makes me wish he'd written it 10 times longer. Outside of the antiquated manner of speech, understandable but annoying (ie. everything is he, or a man... as if all people who seek are men, but that is a language common to the era), it is one of my favourite books.

i think it has something for everyone in there. i struggled with it at first because i was triggered into feeling as though i had "no right" to complain. But that is a self-punishment trap. i loved his analogy of suffering being like a gas that fills a room, and i deeply identified with some of his descriptions of physical pain and difficulty. When i walk, for complicated medical reasons, i experience a lot of pain in my feet sometimes... so bad i force myself with each step and i often manage by visualizing myself openly screaming. When i felt the connection while reading the book, i suddenly just felt like i was accomplishing something that deserved credit... just forcing myself through what i need to do, through the pain... that this was real suffering and i should feel proud - it changed my point of view a lot in that moment.

i think Frankl says something that i don't tend to see elsewhere much... he talks openly about honouring our suffering. It doesn't mean dwelling and just reliving the past continually, not at all. To me it means being proud of your own strength in surviving the big things and managing the rest. i'd say more but it would really need its own thread. In any event... regardless of what flavour of approach one has committed to, give yourself credit for the suffering you have endured. Seeing it that way brings strength.

it's interesting to me that you are approaching it all as a whole person... many don't... i'd risk saying that the bulk of medical/health professionals don't. How odd eh? We treat sick people.. we don't really focus on wellness. As an example, i have roughly 9 specialists, not including the several others like my T... all brilliant and professional, very competant... but my ObGyn treats me as repro, my orthopedist treats me as bones, my rheumy treats me as joints... and so on. Funny... i don't feel like i am just a bunch of unrelated body parts that have nothing to do with each other.

lately i have become focused on wellness too... i think its the only way to accomplish anything real. Looking at your foods is an excellent place to start, but i would suggest adding some things. i intend... and i say intend because i am so swamped with trying to fix my financial survival that everything else tends to fall by the wayside (*sigh)... but i intend to begin a wellness binder. Basically, an owner's manual for me.

suggested things to add to monitoring your food intake:

*track your moods - i'm sure you already do this
*google a prism chart... think that is what they are called... they are meant for use by female patients... it has a list of symptoms/issues that you check off day by day over the course of a month. You do a new sheet for each month. Do at least three of them, more if you can. i am deeply impressed and concerned by the degree at which many mental/emotional symptoms coincide with hormone phases. Not just in me, but i am seeing this in many females friends... i honestly worry a lot that medical and mental health professionals may be mislabelling many, many women. It isn't just my perspective.. i mean, has no one wondered why prozac is the number one medication prescribed for effective management of excessive PMS? It works... but why? More questions than answers... point being, track your own hormone health. Hormones are notoriously difficult to monitor by blood sample because they are sporadic and tiny amounts produce huge effects.
*keep a sleep chart too... record the amount of sleep and other forms of rest and relaxation
*track your major stressors... make note of when distressing events occur, it may be that the "out of nowhere" feelings follow patterns that aren't obvious

i am trying to find an osteopath or homeopathic doctor here that i can trust.i believe in traditional medical technology, but the lack of whole person approach is problematic. i need to find ways to support my seriously compromised hormonal system body-wide. i saw a big problem when i realized the endocrinologist was not dealing with my repro hormones and the Obgyn was not looking at the non-repro ones... i mean, dudes, really... my body doesn't work that way.

Originally Posted by slip

"If I am going to be alive, I don't want to feel like this". How can I make being here "worth it"? What do I value in myself and others? What people do I WANT to keep in my life and which ones do I NEED to let go of?

it's rough when we gain awareness, do the "right" things and yet, we still struggle with difficult mind states... i get very frustrated. But, you're on the right track and take heart... you already are getting more meaning from life than many. Remember, you can't always attach truth to how you feel, sometimes we have to remember what we know vs what we feel. Our feelings lie to us sometimes, or they represent things that are vague or outside of our conscious thinking. Remind yourself of every positive feeling and moment throughout the day... train yourself to mentally take note of a smile. If you try to notice, you may be surprised at how many times each day you actually feel those small bits of happiness. Apparently, researchers discovered that most people are generally happier than they think they are when they actively consider it. Odd eh? The lie i tell myself, i think, is that i am unhappy more often than is the case. Maybe when i feel "like this" it means i am needing to move in a specific direction and maybe it isn't an indicator of overall discontentment like i've interpreted. gosh... i don't know if that even makes sense

Originally Posted by slip

~My T and I are also starting to work on my abandonment issues. We have been skating around this issue for a while now. She will be leaving within a year and has encouraged me to confront this issue head on. I took her challenge.

EXCELLENT!!!! THAT is exactly the thing to do... how wonderful for you! Oh slippery, i am so proud of you right now! There is no way around, only through. i think about my own fears of losing my T someday, but when i do i calm them by reminding myself that when that day comes it will happen because i don't need him there and instead of bad i will feel strong. It's unfortunate in one sense that you have to do it in a regimented way because of her timing, but on the other hand... it means you have the motivation to succeed. You will work harder and faster because you aren't given the luxury of choice. Small blessing, but a blessing nonetheless. You can do this slippery.. and it will change your life for the better.

Originally Posted by slip

I just realized as I was typing all this out that I am in the midst of a lot of changes. I did not start all of this at one time. As I become more aware of what I need/want I concentrate more in that area. When I felt comfortable with something new, I add something else to the equation. I am easily overwhelmed, so it is important that I take it at a manageable speed.

yes, manageable... for sure... pace yourself... but you know what? You ARE managing. Just look at how far you've come. Look at how many people never ever look around themselves or ever have a second thought as to how really live... then look at yourself and feel proud. It may be a new feeling for you - but get used to it!

lengthy posts... yeah.. i feel soooooooooooo bad... not.

[little*rhino]

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

inspiring and so true for me as well.but i am panic stricken,,what if i look and enjoy the good things in life and they are taken away or what i was seeing as good in life turns out to be bad?..............i am glad you found the strength to see the love in life...i guess im too afraid of losing love i hide

well sugar... here's the reality of it - you will get good things and you will sometimes lose them. There isn't any way to make only good happen, and times of bad things eventually pass. You don't have control over when good or bad things happen, no one does. We all have to accept that harsh truth somehow.

the key thing to remember is that being afraid, hiding, or whatever other means we use to address it doesn't make those things stop happening. So, good/bad things will happen whether i face them with a positive attitude or one of terror, but taking the positive road feels better and gives me a mind that is more able to make better decisions in the bad times. Make sense?

it's like this... suppose you were afraid of getting older... you are going to get older whether you are afraid or not. Being increasingly terrified as each day, week and year passes won't stop the aging and will cripple you emotionally. It would affect your decisions and make life increasingly harder. Being positive won't stop the aging either, but it makes life tolerable and happier.

the fewer risks we take, the smaller the world becomes... pulling back from life never makes it safer or better. The only way to feel better is to push with all your might.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

"it's like this... suppose you were afraid of getting older... you are going to get older whether you are afraid or not. Being increasingly terrified as each day, week and year passes won't stop the aging and will cripple you emotionally. It would affect your decisions and make life increasingly harder. Being positive won't stop the aging either, but it makes life tolerable and happier." quote from little rhino --- that is my thought exactly about age...i never thought about life that way...THANK YOU so much