[wisewoman]

I want to put as much info in here as possible so that I can get opinions about what might be happening with me.
1. Today is my foster daughter's birthday. She's been dead 5 years.
2. I found out two weeks ago that the state agency that funds us and monitors programs is doing another audit of my files Oct. 5th. At a later date they will be interviewing me.
3. My agency is supportive of me. I made a mistake a year ago and took responsibility for it. I also gave a program the State implemented a very poor evaluation and have made enemies.
4. Since I have been made aware of the state stuff I have been unproductive, spacey forgetful, am behind on all paperwork.
5. My friends' child is still very ill and in intensive care.
6. I have little concentration and motivation. I do not usually get behind like this in paperwork.
7. I went on a leave of absense from work at the end of May for 8 weeks due to severe depression. It took most of that time to just start the meds working. State stuff and legal stuff with hubby were contributing factors to my depression.
8. My immediate supervisor made a lot of errors with me prior to my leave. I informed my old super who supervises her and I have received apologies and we have agreed to put the past behind us. I am professional, not real personal, but friendly and open about work with her.
9. Today I was feeling very overwhelmed that my records are behind, my filing and organization is behind, and that I am not being very productive. As in usually I can get everything done and handle it and now I can't.
10. I called my old super today and told her that my mood was going down and that I was overwhelmed and non-productive with the pending audit. I asked her about using a support staff person to help with getting files in order etc. I felt like I was sharing personal info and she told me that it was fine to come into the main office and use a support staff person, but that I needed to be discussing this with my super. She put me on the line with my super and I apologized for not speaking with her first but had felt that what I was sharing was personal and I was more comfortable sharing it with the big super. She said no prob and said she would arrange for me to have a support staff all day friday. She asked me if that was all and I couldn't speak because i was going to cry. I am so overwhelmed. So I told her I was overwhelmed and stressed with the audit as well as sick kiddo and that I was not productive and am behind. I was clearly almost crying. She said that we would take care of the files and spoke technically about the supervision I would need to give the support staff assisting me.

I was trying to be open with the fact that I am not doing oh so well. I am worried that the depression is worsening or is it stress and I need to deal? I was asking for help so that I can be the best I can at my job. The tears tell me that I am not doing so well. There are really no more changes that can be made with my current meds and no way will I go off now to try to find a better combo. So here I am. Am I getting depressed again? How can I be healthy through all that is happening? I see my T tomorrow and will share all of this with her. How can I get productive at work again and think clearly? I feel so vulnerable because these State people really are after me and I do not deserve it. I live my life trying to be the best I can at work and at home as well as relationships. I feel I am good at the work I do. Any suggestions out there? HELP

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{WW}}}}}}}}}}}}}

To me, you sound very stressed. Burnout often results from stress and also can lead to depression. It sounds like you are on the right track, but with so many things eating at you, it really isn't surprising that coping is hard. Some things I think you are doing well are: <ul type="square">[*]identifying your stressors[*]making a list (which helps to contain them and make them more managable)[*]recognizing your feelings[*]talking about it (to us, the supervisors, your T)[*]asking for help[*]doing what is necessary to deal with the situations as well as you can[*]knowing that you are living your life the best that you can (we all have limits)[*]giving yourself credit for being good at the work you do, and knowing that you don't deserve the negative attention you are getting from the state[/list]You are doing lots of good things to cope with your stress. Take it one thing at a time, and give yourself a break as much as you can. Let people help, and even ask people to help. You deserve to have help. Remember that most of the things that are causing your stress are not permanent, and will pass, and you will get through it.

A few more suggestions: <ul type="square">[*]take care of yourself (sleep, diet, etc.)[*]make time to play[*]laugh[*]do things that help you feel successful and competent[*]be flexible[*]daydream - use your imagination[*]focus on the big picture and find meaning in what you are doing[/list]
We're here for you. Vent when you need to, and know that many people are pulling for you and wishing you well.

[Thelema]

Wise...I was surprised to see this post from you...you always sound so cheerful on chat. I am sorry to hear of the stress in your life. It's horrible that your child died...what happened? I think it is good you are talking to your dr. Perhaps the dr can increase (if not change) your medication. Any chance for taking some more time off work?

[snowflake_48888]

((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))) You have many stressors right now, no wonder you are feeling it. Times are pretty tough right now for you and I feel bad for that. It is good that you post here and have others that you can talk with. Just remember we are here for you to talk with....hang in there.......hugs to you wisewoman....

[wisewoman]

Thanks for the encouragement Rap, Snow and Thelma. I m trying to stay healthy and it's a challege. The insight of others helps a lot. I am pretty tired. I do need to play I guess huh Rap? Trying. So much to do. Thanks again, keep the ideas coming. Don't let me dive too deep into the dpression. I want to be okay and do well.

[seeking]

This is a support forum after all. I don't know you but my heart goes out to you. It is difficult to cope and think straight when one feels so overwelmed by everything. Take it a day at a time and remember, baby steps will get you there, not gaint leaps.

[SeptemberMorn]

Seems everybody has covered the issues with their great advice. Only thing I would add is for you to put some of it into practice.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending as many positive thoughts as I can muster your way.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wise Woman}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} BTW, you're name says it all. Appy some of that wisdom to yourself, ok?

[dexter]

I cannot add to what Rapunzel said. You have a very good handle on what is wrong and how you need to be viligant, but I suppose the depression keeps you from seeing that. Which is not to say that you are OK, but rather that you will be OK, just keep relying on the support that you have here and in life and ask for and get the help you need.

I think the real problems come for people who don't recognize that they might be slipping, or are reluctant to ask for help, until they actually are slipping and fall into a worse state.

[SweetCrusader]

I don't have anything new to add. I like what everyone else has said. I just want to give you hugs and support!!

((((((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))))))))

You are indeed a very wise woman and I'm impressed that you are able to recognize when you're in crisis. (That takes wisdom AND practice! eh!?)

Angela

Wisewoman.....it sounds like you are very stressed. I agree with taking care of yourself right now. I'm burned out in my work now and I haven't been getting enough sleep...somehow I compute that the earlier I go to bed, the quicker the time passes and then I'm back at work???? So, rest, meditate, exercise if you can and hang in there. Pat

[wisewoman]

Thanks for all of the support. It helps. Today was a worse day even. Just overwhelmed. Got lost this morning on the way to a client's. Had to remind myself several times to get the stuff for my daughter's birthday. Told T how I was feeling, she assures me I will not lose it and I will keep functioning. hard to believe right this minute. Had daughter's birthday, she had fun. In bed now, finally. Taking time to play Rap, I need to remember how that works. I put a new bunny into a new cage and put her in my office. She is gramma and was given to me to retire. Neat to see her learning to use her litter. So, I am behinder and behinder at work and strecthed. Trying to be good. Oh well, had cake and icecream, never eat like that so maybe that is fun? All I want is to be still with myself with no demands.

[Rapunzel]

You're asking me about playing? Hey, they tell me it's good for you, and it helps. But I'm not sure that I ever really knew how to play. Maybe your daughter knows? Or watch the bunnies - animals know how to play.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
All I want is to be still with myself with no demands.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Ok, here's what I want you to do. Block off two or three hours, and get away from everybody and everything. You can take a bath, go hiking in the mountains, or anything you enjoy (my husband suggests scuba diving because it blocks out everything else). Get your alone time in. And don't use it for chores! It's just for you, because you are worth it.

Your T is right. You will make it. You're doing the right things, and you have the will, strength, and wisdom to hang in there. Just make sure that you get a break, and have some play time.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))

[SweetCrusader]

Rap could take a little of her own advice in the playing department, eh!? Angela

[Rapunzel]

p.s. Happy Birthday to Daughter!

And this is for you.

[Rapunzel]

You might have to come out here and teach me how! Rap is working on becoming a workaholic. Scheduled to work 46 hours this week (over 4 days). No, they are not going to pay overtime, since some of it is training. My supervisor asked when I wanted to work and I did name a couple of times that are best, as well as a couple of days I'd like to have off because there are other things those days I want to do, but I wound up telling her that I'm available 24/7. If nothing else, I can always serve as a bad example. And this week I am working on the days I would like off. One of them is the weekly Friday recess in the park that my homeschooling group does - I'll try to send my daughter with someone else. That's been my effort at learning how to play, and I wish I didn't have to miss it.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((Wendy))))) I will mark it on my calendar that as soon as I can get away from my own workaholic life, I'm coming down to your neck of the woods and we're going to have lessons on how to play! It's final!

And, lest I forget(!) more hugs for wisewoman, of course!!!
(((((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))) Hang in there, honey!!

Angela

[Ozze]

I can't offer any specific help or advice to you ww, but if it helps I believe that a person like you can rise to any challenge. Sending you good vibes from here, keep smiling,
Peter

P.S You sure have a lot of friends on here, so be sure to always come here when you are not feeling too good.

[wisewoman]

Well, update Today I took at least 50 pounds of files, my laptop and a bunch of not filed stuff up tp my main office and a support staff cleaned and organized these files for the audit and filed the loose stuff. Hubby put everything on a shopping cart like old people use and I wheeled it up with two dogs on leashes as my little boy couldn't be alone, needed observation, and his big sister misses him when is gone. I feel a sense of relief thatthe records are almost ready and I got caught up on September and she filed those as well. So, I have booked myself really full Monday and Tuesday so I will be less apt to think about the audit tues. They don't need me for that part. Everyone at my office was grand. The director borrowed a power supply for me since I forgot mine and he was the only one who could print out the records in the format they are in. So he was great. The Secretaries and everyone was kind and helpful and they loved the dogs. So I am less overwhelmed. Also kiddo was out on a regular floor yesterday, out of ICU. So all, keep your fingers crossed for me and maybe I will get through this in one piece.

[ktp]

((((WW))))

Crossing all my fingers on both hands....

but really hard to type..so how about I cross my toes instead ???

I really can do that. LOL.

I'm glad you're not feeling so overwhelmed now, but man is it hard getting to the point where you know things will be okay. I'm sure all will be fine for you and I am going to keep crossing them toes and my fingers too when I'm not typing....

Take Care.
Kimberly

[wisewoman]

Thanks a lot Kimberly. Still a pretty name.