[goodgirl62]

I am interested in knowing how all of you get along with your family, parents, sisters and brothers? How do they treat you when your having troubles in your life? What member of your family supports you the most? Please elaborate if you would.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

I am interested in knowing how all of you get along with your family, parents, sisters and brothers? How do they treat you when your having troubles in your life? What member of your family supports you the most? Please elaborate if you would.

goodgirl, hi
My parents and both brothers are deceased, and I've cut off all contact with my two sisters.
I felt no guilt when I cut off contact...huge relief, though.

There was estrangement from the time I was a child, I believe it was another result of the childhood trauma. There were no feelings of being connected to them or my extended family.
Over the years, there was some progress until I was told that I should have died 1. when one of my brothers died in Nam, 2. and I should have been the one to die when the next brother died...from exposure to Agent Orange while in Nam. To them, my tours of duty as an Army nurse were not as valuable and honorable; hence their disappointment when I lived...

After my parents died, I no longer felt the need for any pretense of love and respect for/from my sisters.
I was raised in The Church Of Never-Ending Guilt, taught family is family is duty...it kept me from doing what was right for me.
It was with a bit of surprise when I realized that I didn't particularly care for my sisters...and did not have to accept their disrespect for me.

What has been your experience with your family?

In Peace

[Rhapsody]

I get along ok with my family (the past is healing) - but I would have to say that my second to oldest sister and my oldest brother is always their for me when the chips are down... they do love me.

I am 5 out of 6 kids

[goodgirl62]

Originally Posted by Catherine2

goodgirl, hi
My parents and both brothers are deceased, and I've cut off all contact with my two sisters.
I felt no guilt when I cut off contact...huge relief, though.

There was estrangement from the time I was a child, I believe it was another result of the childhood trauma. There were no feelings of being connected to them or my extended family.
Over the years, there was some progress until I was told that I should have died 1. when one of my brothers died in Nam, 2. and I should have been the one to die when the next brother died...from exposure to Agent Orange while in Nam. To them, my tours of duty as an Army nurse were not as valuable and honorable; hence their disappointment when I lived...

After my parents died, I no longer felt the need for any pretense of love and respect for/from my sisters.
I was raised in The Church Of Never-Ending Guilt, taught family is family is duty...it kept me from doing what was right for me.
It was with a bit of surprise when I realized that I didn't particularly care for my sisters...and did not have to accept their disrespect for me.

What has been your experience with your family?

In Peace

Well, its a long and complicated story. First I can tell you I was a middle child. My older sister was 2 yrs older. I was never allowed to be with her friends even at her pool parties at our family home. My younger sister is 5 years younger. I don't think she knows all the details because she was much younger. My mother is pretty crazy. She was beating my older sister with a old style corded phone handle the night before she got married. Mom called us every swear name in the book. She would hit us with anything even full canned foods. I remember being interegated as young as 5. I was always given the blame even though I didn't do it. My older sister knew I was being blamed for something she did and it didn't even make her flich. My mother told me I was not college material as a child! I would "Never" tell my children something like that. I have a 30 yr old son who has been very successful with a bachelor degree and a very good career. My mother told me I just "Got Lucky" with him. I have had my hands full with my other children but nothing really major considering they were raised by me alone for 16 yrs. My mother compared me to my older sister. I of course was never good enough. My older sister is very passive agressive so she expells her attitude in a more gentle way. I have a passive father, usually. He does what my mother says. My younger sister has finally found common ground with my mother. That's great for her but my mother continues to abuse me mentally and verbally. My mother is trying to make my own children hate me. So, that makes a long story short but I can tell you that the years of abuse have hardened me to the point I am depressed all the time. I pray for strength and the ability to forgive to relieve my own pain. My younger sister thinks I am over reacting and being selfish only thinking of me. It's hard not to think of me because I feel like I am slowly and painfully dying. If I weren't in great pain I wouldn't be on here venting and looking for support and coping ideas. Family should be there for you while you are living, not when they are ready to put you in your grave. I don't get it? Is that what it is going to take for them to be happy?
Look through my threads and posts for my story.

[Maven]

The truth is, I don't want to get into it, but I'll give you a brief bit:

I love my mom, but she is unrealistic, selfish and I'm pretty sure has some developmental issues. She doesn't understand some things, even if they're simple, and she gets worried and overreacts about so many things. And she lies a lot, but she can't take my word on anything. I've learned not to tell her things, but when I do, she often wants to confirm it with someone else. I used to be a Christian, and turned myself into a very honest person (before that, I lied, much like her), and despite my no longer being a Christian, I am still an extremely honest person.

Nobody really understands me in my family. My brothers were all pretty much grown by the time I came around, except for one (he was 13) and my sister was 13 at the time, but I didn't grow up with them. Three of my brothers are dead now. One (the aforementioned one) I have no idea where he is.

My sister and I are close, but live a long way from each other. Still, I feel much of that closeness is no longer there. Some things I've been told and some things she's said have caused some bitter feelings.

My dad is dead, but he didn't understand my OCD and panic disorder. He would make me feel ashamed because I saw a psychologist/psychiatrist (differerent ones at different times) and called my disorders "nonsense." I still love him, but there's still anger about the past.

[perpetuallysad]

Well, I never knew who my father was, so that's not a possibility. My mother greatly abused me so I have cut her out of my life finally. My other brother is in prison for armed bank robbery-we have contact, but its weird and strained because he's very manipulative, me and my little sister talk everyday-I suppose she's my only friend. But she thinks mental illness is bullsh*t and people with it should "get over it", so I get ZERO support from her. Ironically, she has many untreated mental problems and I am her unoffical psychologist. Its a very one sided relationship, but I love her. Its hard.

My sibs pretty much say get over it and ignore me.

[perpetuallysad]

Ain't family swell?

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

Ain't family swell?

...one way of nicely putting it

Much energy was wasted when I went through the "What If Spell." What if this or that had not happened? Would my life have been wonderful, etc..
No way of knowing
It also helped me realize that I was discounting what was, and is, good and beautiful in my life.
Is my life full of grand adventure and untold riches? No.
Is it full of intensely joyful moments?Yes.
Is it also full of moments of deep sorrow? Yes.
but
that means that I am a human being, much like others who have a variety of events happening to them.
Some of them suffer in silence...have no support and don't expect any.

One thing about being mentally interesting is reaching the point of being vocal about the pain, seeking ways to ease it, and possibly finding more peace and less sadness.

Taking care of my parents while they were dying was my choice. It was easier to get through the mental/verbal abuse then and not have the rest of my life to feel guilty for not doing it.
It was the right choice for me; it may not have been for another person.

Having no contact with my sisters has been good for me.
Allowing them to live in my head rent free was stupid.
Stupid, period.
I was on the verge of being a martyr about staying in contact with them--accepting their disrespect was thinly veiled as a family duty.
My straight shooter of a T blew that veil away in short time...

In Peace

[jennaorgana]

oh wow..

well my parents are so supportive. they have paid for every treatment for me, and they are about to pay out of the but to put me in a residential psychiatric hospital. they are there for me, but the don't understand me. i am not allowed to talk about my mental illness anywhere but with my therapist and in my own home. hell, my little brother who lives with me doesn't really know what is going on with me. all an attempt from my parents to protect me and him.

me and my sisters are okay. one is a model and is super vain, but i love her anyways. the other is a psychologist, so she loves studying me! she even wrote a paper. it ios fun with her because we can make fun of my situation and i am never offended.

besides that, i really have no one. no friends right now, just the people here and my family.

[KathyM]

My parents are deceased, and my only sibling lives far away.

I have an elderly aunt I get along with because she's always known my heart and spirit. She's very ill though. I can't call her very often because of her heart condition. When she rushes to the phone, it throws off her heart rhythm and it takes her a very long time to catch her breath.

I get along with my husband and adult son, but I'm a tremendous burden to them.

I get along with everyone else, but it's usually one-sided. They do the talking, I do the listening. When I do talk, they don't understand.- when I try to explain myself, they become angry and turn their backs on me.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

I am interested in knowing how all of you get along with your family, parents, sisters and brothers? How do they treat you when your having troubles in your life? What member of your family supports you the most? Please elaborate if you would.

Growing up my grandmother supported me the most. I live with her for a couple of years when I was in my early twenties working as a paramedic where she lived.

At this time my twenty year old son supports me most. I would never have thought I would be saying that a few years ago because he was a defiant teen that tested my patience.

My biological dad loves me in his own way. He is a very selfish person so I have learned not to expect anything monetary from him. For instance in 2005 I lost my disability income because I had failed to return forms. I lived in my house for a couple of months with no electric, no refrigeration. I asked him for a loan and he told me to sell some of my model horses. Which would have worked IF I had electric to upload photos to the internet.

My stepdad died when I was twenty. He loved me like his own. I miss him.

My mom... sometimes I wonder if she is getting Alzheimers. She says things seemingly without thinking. Sometimes they are hurtful. Often she contradicts something she said previously. I believe her intent is good but she isn't really much support emotionally and doesn't encourage me. Like when I was talking about wanting to go to grad school when/if my son becomes autonomous and she discouraged the idea as if I am incapable because I am mentally ill. And she tells me I should sell that horse and move into a condo. Anybody who knows much of me can tell you that I love that horse more than I care for most people. Sell my horse??!? Does she not know who I am?

My sisters... still live with our mom. Both in their early forties. Neither have ever had a relationship with a man. Or even a date. It's a codependent mess between the sisters and my mum. Only one sister drives. The youngest sister is very bossy and tells everybody her opinion of everything. I have been avoiding dinners at mom's house because of the bossy sister. I don't like being around her. Neither do my mom or my other sister; they say they want to have their own houses but I don't see that happening. I don't think they have the finances for that. But anyway in 2005 I stayed with them for a few weeks when I had no income. But the crabby sister got all mean because I dared to step out of the shower wet and got her precious bathroom rug wet. I thought that's what rugs were for. But no at her house you are supposed to dry off before you step on the rug. I decided then I would rather live in peace in my own home with no electric than listen to her anymore.

And I have a brother. Half brother. Fifteen years younger and grew up with dad's second wife. I like him but we aren't what you would call close. He got angry with our dad for some reason and decided to not invite dad or anybody on dad's side of the family to his wedding. That was kind of rude since I never did anything wrong but it's just more of our family drama.

And don't even get me started on dad's wife #5. I am going to dedicate a thread all about how to get along with her. Yes it's that bad.

You asked. Clearly a dysfunctional family. And they wonder why I would rather be with my horse.

Wow, I'm sad to read so many negative responses. :/ I believe that family should be a positive support system in someone's life when they're going through a rough time.

My father is my biggest support. He is diagnosed with major depression & anxiety and therefore can understand what I'm going through. He's always there to talk when I need to, and he's been there for me throughout my 5 hospital visits this past year. I can honestly say I wouldn't ask for any other dad.

My siblings are there for me too. My brother is younger than me, so I try not to talk too much about serious things...since he's still relatively young and I don't think he deserves that weight on his shoulders. He's been there for me though, came to visit me lots when I was in the hospital. My sister is always there for me too, she's there to talk whenever I need somebody to talk to.

My mother left the family when I was 4, so I really don't miss her or keep in touch with her. She doesn't really know what I'm going through, really! But I wouldn't want her support anyways, so it's all for the best.

Basically, my family understands what I'm going through. They're very patient, and kind, and loving people. They've helped me with my struggles, and I really appreciate that.

[KathyM]

ohseedee

In defense of my sister (and others who claim to care about me), they are going through rough times too - physically, emotionally and financially.

I suspect the only reason they turn their backs on me is because of my terminal status (amyloidosis). Even when explained to them, they don't understand the mechanism of the disease and how it progresses - much less the emotional aspects of being alone for over a decade with only myself, the TV or the radio to converse with (my husband and son are too busy with work, school and chores). My eyesight is extremely distorted and limited due to corneal lattice dystrophy - they can't possibly understand how I see things.

They don't know how to comfort or support me. They remember how I used to be, and it scares them to know I'll be left out in the cold one day - at the mercy of wolves. There's nothing they can do. There's nothing anyone can do about my situation.

KathyM - I'm not pointing fingers at anybody's family, it just makes me sad that not everyone is getting the support they need and deserve. I definitely recognize that members of the family can be going through their own troubles as well. Sometimes my father can't be there for me because he's going through a very rough time, and vice versa.

[purple_fins]

I learned as a weeee little one that family is NOT where to find support. when hurting they will make sure you hurt even worse......

I never lean on any of them and just keep things on the surface and congenial. They have no idea what goes on with me and I prefer it that way so I don't have to endure further pain and upset. I am guarded and rightly so. I've distanced myself from them all-- especially the mother...... it's self-preservation for me.

I think for those that have even one person in their family that supports them when times are bad-- you are VERY lucky....... even though I'm not a religious sort, I'd refer to you as "blessed"

Sorry it wasn't good for you growing up goodgirl and that your mother is still rough on you.

best to you,

fins

[Catherine2]

This thread has been good for me to read...
Reading about others' situation has added another dimension to my healing. The replies have been honest and direct.
Perhaps we reach the point of understanding that the opinions/judgments of our families are not something we have to accept?

Fighters we are
Survivors we are

Thank you goodgirl for this opportunity for us to speak openly about it.

In Peace

[thine_self_untrue]

I come from a VERY Catholic family. My parents are together. I am one of nine children. All of us are homeschooled.
I refuse to voice that there is a problem and they either don't notice or ignore it. Because of this, they do not directly support me in my struggles with depression and SI, but I know that they love me.
My parents are so busy. I stay out of thier way and try to do what I need to do without them. They have never said in so many words, but I feel like a burden and a dissapointment to them. I am one more mouth to feed, one more person to worry about.
My siblings know how to get the worst of me, and shamefully, I give it. They deserve a much better sister than I. I am setting such a terrible example and it hurts me so much to see them follow in my footsteps. I pray they never end up where I am. Sometimes they joke to me about how miserable and depressed I am. I laugh with them.
I love my family dearly. While I feel that I have failed them, it is for thier sake that I have not taken my own life. They love me, even if it is not always how I want to be loved. I cannot disrupt thier lives in such a terrible and selfish way.
Family... oh goodness. It's one of those love hate things...

[KathyM]

Originally Posted by thine_self_untrue

Family... oh goodness. It's one of those love hate things...

yup......even when you only have ONE sibling!

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by KathyM

yup......even when you only have ONE sibling!

...for some reason I found your reply funny...thank you
(no offense meant)

it also brought to mind the pets that have loved me just the way I am...they were better than siblings, jme.

In Peace

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((goodgirl62))))

Thank you for your post. It is with a heavy heart I write to try to answer this post. I have to say this has taken me a while to be able to post on. Family is not something I talk about and it is not something I even want to claim. I am trying to break away from family as they are not good for me and they are not safe.

I had an aunt who passed away many years ago. She was the only one I ever believed loved me in my life. I do not feel anything for my parents except anger and terror. My siblings and I do not talk unless it is with my sister who is very judgemental and tells our so called family everything about me.

I left the place I lived because it was not safe and I was being controlled to the point I could not get away and I was afraid to even live. Since moving I have been attacked and also threatened by my sister. She has been praying something would happen to me to bring me back and she also has her church and others praying this.

They tell me no one can love me like they do yet they never send a card at Christmas, my birthday, or even when I had surgery. The calls I receive are anything but supportive and are always using threats to try to make me come back.

Love does not exist there--it never did. My children are not supportive and they do not know or want to know anything. They have been brought up in an environment that did not support me or want to hear me. In the name of religion I was told I was possessed and they tried to do exercisms.

I have been told to "just give it to God" and " just get over it" so many times that I really despise those phrases. I feel so alone and like I have no family really and it is better that way. Even now I am shaking as I write this with fear as each word comes across this screen.

I am feeling so overwhelmed at this moment and tears are streaming down my face as I type. I am not sure it is from the fear or from the realization of just what I have written. I have said this all along but when you actually write it out and see it, it becomes so real once again.

I have learned that my family is not that of birth but those that I care about and that have reached out to me and taken me in when I was so alone and lost. My friend is my family and her family has accepted me for who I am. They have shown me unconditional love which I never knew could be. PC is my family who I love and respect more than words can tell.

I am fearful as I know my family is somewhere and probably on here. They have been before and they know. They have taken my post and copied them and sent them out to all family members. Is that what love is? It is really something that scares me and I know each time I post here I take another chance at their attacks.

Somehow I fight to keep reaching out and taking the chance to heal. But healing is hard when it is used against you at every turn. When the past keep coming back in the present and the present becomes entangled once again with the past.

Thank you for posting and for sharing your stories. They really touched me in ways I cannot describe. May we all find ways to heal from that which was put upon us and that which we are survivors from. Thank you again.

dps

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by KathyM

yup......even when you only have ONE sibling!

HA! Yeah, 8 is really quite something...

[whoswho]

My father is brain-damaged, my mother is absorbed in her power trip, and my brother is too busy dealing with his own problems to notice mine.

[shdcase]

Just over a year and a half ago I walked away from my family and stopped all communication with them. I didn't make this decision lightly. I made it to save my life. Sometimes you just have to know when it is time to say enough and start to care for yourself. With a lot of help I have done this.

[goodgirl62]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

((((goodgirl62))))

Thank you for your post. It is with a heavy heart I write to try to answer this post. I have to say this has taken me a while to be able to post on. Family is not something I talk about and it is not something I even want to claim. I am trying to break away from family as they are not good for me and they are not safe.

I had an aunt who passed away many years ago. She was the only one I ever believed loved me in my life. I do not feel anything for my parents except anger and terror. My siblings and I do not talk unless it is with my sister who is very judgemental and tells our so called family everything about me.

I left the place I lived because it was not safe and I was being controlled to the point I could not get away and I was afraid to even live. Since moving I have been attacked and also threatened by my sister. She has been praying something would happen to me to bring me back and she also has her church and others praying this.

They tell me no one can love me like they do yet they never send a card at Christmas, my birthday, or even when I had surgery. The calls I receive are anything but supportive and are always using threats to try to make me come back.

Love does not exist there--it never did. My children are not supportive and they do not know or want to know anything. They have been brought up in an environment that did not support me or want to hear me. In the name of religion I was told I was possessed and they tried to do exercisms.

I have been told to "just give it to God" and " just get over it" so many times that I really despise those phrases. I feel so alone and like I have no family really and it is better that way. Even now I am shaking as I write this with fear as each word comes across this screen.

I am feeling so overwhelmed at this moment and tears are streaming down my face as I type. I am not sure it is from the fear or from the realization of just what I have written. I have said this all along but when you actually write it out and see it, it becomes so real once again.

I have learned that my family is not that of birth but those that I care about and that have reached out to me and taken me in when I was so alone and lost. My friend is my family and her family has accepted me for who I am. They have shown me unconditional love which I never knew could be. PC is my family who I love and respect more than words can tell.

I am fearful as I know my family is somewhere and probably on here. They have been before and they know. They have taken my post and copied them and sent them out to all family members. Is that what love is? It is really something that scares me and I know each time I post here I take another chance at their attacks.

Somehow I fight to keep reaching out and taking the chance to heal. But healing is hard when it is used against you at every turn. When the past keep coming back in the present and the present becomes entangled once again with the past.

Thank you for posting and for sharing your stories. They really touched me in ways I cannot describe. May we all find ways to heal from that which was put upon us and that which we are survivors from. Thank you again.

dps

Thank you for replying. I feel your pain. I miss my family terribly. I do not want it this way which I am sure none of us want. I think we all have to do what we have to do to heal and protect ourselves from the pain.
As far as the posts on here, I gave my sister and my son my screen name so they could read my posts. I have nothing to hide. Here they can read my thoughts and issues and read the responces too. My family seems to think I am taking it to hard, like yours they think I should just get over it. Well, if it were that easy I would have done that already. My family is probably copying and pasting too and you know what I don't care anymore. They have hurt me so much already. They cant hurt me much more. I am 47 yrs old. I know the kind of person I am and that's what really matters anyway. More than half of my life is gone and me emailing or calling my family will not change the damage that mosty my own mother has done. Yeah, I still love my mother in a way. Not the way I want it to be. So, now I live for me and my kids and I try like heck to let them know how much I love them and how smart, handsome or beautiful they are. I am trying not to damaged them they way I was damaged. In my own way, on my own timeline, I will forgive my family but I don't have to go out of my way to see them. I am protecting me from now on. Good Luck and keep loving and protecting you.