[CindyLuWho]

So, I am 15 years divorced from a transgendered man. He has had surgery and now lives as a woman. Today I was faced with his online presence and PANICKED!

I realized I have been living in fear for FIFTEEN YEARS that he will try to contact me or to somehow touch my life. I know all the basics... the only power he has is the power I give him... He hasn't tried to reach me in 15 years, why would he now... The only one being hurt by this is me...

I avoid literature, movies, and discussions regarding transgendered people. I have a lot of gay friends, but I don't discuss sexuality with them.

I am in a loving, healthy relationship. He knows about my ex, but he is as surprised as I am to find that I am still so upset by him after 15 years.

And yet, I am still afraid. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I don't want this guy having ANY power in my life.

[lonegael]

What happened during your marriage to make you so afraid? I have a hard time understanding how jusst the transgendered thing can be so traumatic. I would be frustrated, perhaps even angry if I felt I was being used to help someone look "normal" but fifteen years is a long time to feel so threatened.
Of course, you don't have to go into any detail, but what do you think, for yourself, makes this so hard for you?
So glad your new spouse is understanding. HUGGS!

It may be you have not finished grieving.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I went through finding out that my bf was wearing my clothes and pretending to be a woman, wearing my makeup and he looked a right tart! I laughed at him and ended up in hospital...but he looked so stupid...no dress sense whatsoever ...But I'm someone who laughs when nervous or afraid..I don't know why I just do...it was very scary

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by CindyLuWho

So, I am 15 years divorced from a transgendered man. He has had surgery and now lives as a woman. Today I was faced with his online presence and PANICKED!

I realized I have been living in fear for FIFTEEN YEARS that he will try to contact me or to somehow touch my life. I know all the basics... the only power he has is the power I give him... He hasn't tried to reach me in 15 years, why would he now... The only one being hurt by this is me...

I avoid literature, movies, and discussions regarding transgendered people. I have a lot of gay friends, but I don't discuss sexuality with them.

I am in a loving, healthy relationship. He knows about my ex, but he is as surprised as I am to find that I am still so upset by him after 15 years.

And yet, I am still afraid. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I don't want this guy having ANY power in my life.

Dear Cindy,

As some of the other posters have already said, there's essentially nothing terrifying about a transgendered person, even if you've been married to him. (No, I'm not transgendered.) Thinking about the process it may well sound yucky, but it's not directed against you. If I were you, I'd find a compatible therapist and work with him or her to find out just why you're affected in this way. For all I know (which isn't much) there may be support groups out there for people who are/were spouses of people who then transgendered themselves. I'm not a professional psychologist, but this sounds like an issue that you can get over, transcend, by working it out with someone who knows how to help people do that. Transgendered people, to me and many others, are just very sad situations that don't relate to us.

[lynn P.]

Was your ex husband abusive? Was it the shock and realization of his desire to become a woman that left you scared. What are you scared of -if you don't mind sharing. I think people who are in your husbands position must have struggled immensely during their journey through this process. I think these people are greatly misunderstood and it helps if we can imagine how they feel.

[Perna]

My husband had his friend and mentor go through the operation and become a woman. He had a wife and two children. My husband is still sensitive about it, remembers the first time he met the man as a woman and how he didn't know how to act, what to say. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be for a former wife!

I think it is very hard when anyone near us changes so drastically; were your situation mine I imagine I would be unconsciously afraid of my own changing against my will, of becoming something I was not familiar with and couldn't cope with. I don't find it surprising at all that you are still so traumatized. I would go see a therapist and see if they could help me feel less anxious around this area of my experience. Avoiding it is causing most of the fear I think?

[sunnyclouds]

Hello Cindy,

I tend to agree with Perna. I think you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings. What you went through must have been traumatizing to you. It sounds as if you relive those moments over and over. You say that you've been living in fear for 15 years, that's an awful long time to have that on you. You've been waiting for the other shoe to fall, all of those years. What an awful burden that must be. And now here it is. As big as life and real. The one thing you've been trying to hide from for 15 yrs.

I can't imagine what it must have been like to have gone through what you did. You must have been very hurt. I more than certain that it was hard on both of you. Most transgendered people suffer most of their lives in terror of expressing anything about what they experience. It's very confusing to them as well.

Could it be that your feared meeting up with him, would bring all of these emotions out? Could it be that you were never able to grieve properly for your loss, and it turned into fear, anxiety, anger, and sadness? It must be all in there. Was there any abuse from him? All of this must be dealt with, and guess what? You don't have to do it with him at all. If you don't want him in your life, he has to respect that. Even if he's approaching you at this moment, after 15 yrs, to say that he is sorry for hurting you. You have the control over who enters your life. You may not be ready now, or ever, but that is for you to decide.

I could relate to your story. I was in a relationship with a drug addict. No one but a few people knew about his addiction. I'm not suggesting that being a transgender person is the same as being a drug addict. There is not similarity, other than it's a secret to mostly everyone but the person and perhaps to a few others; that's where the similarity ends. But that is where the connection is as well.

So I lived with this person who had this awful addiction to crack cocaine, and like I said above, had you met him, you would never be able to tell. He was good-looking, very handsome. Very popular, and gregarious. Yet this dark side of him loomed over the relationship. We were together for about only two years. But the abuse, both verbal and physical, the stealing from me, the lying, my ending up in an emergency room with a dislocated jaw and on and on... it tore me to bits. I went from weighing a healthy 155 lbs. to 120lb or less, buy the time the relationship was over, and I ran for my life. The crazy thing was that I was still in love with him. There were several attempts at reconciliation, but it would always end up the same. Until I finally gave up.

I was alone for a few years after that, until I met the man I'm with now for almost 8 years. Who is everything I always wanted in a partner. I had told him about my previous experience, and he understood why I was going through the motions of this new relationship so slowly. He's very patient, and just a wonderful person.

I am very happy with him. But during all that time, I was terrified that I would run into F, let's call him. I harbored that feeling because I didn't know where he was, but I knew that he lived in the same area as I did, and thought that inevitably we would run into each other. As the years went by, and my partner and I fell into our routine and our relationship grew, we even moved to another state so that he could go to medical school. After all of that, I still couldn't shake the underlying fear that one day I would run into F.

Then one day, it did, it happened, there he was! But not as I expected, it happened on Facebook. He sent me an IM. I was mortified, I didn't know what to do. Ignore him? Turn off my computer and run away? I had PTSD from the relationship, so I experienced the whole relationship right away, in just is few seconds. I was ready to run away, but instead, I decided to take care of the problem right then and there, and I replied to him, saying that, "I was not ready to talk to him, and didn't know if I ever would be. But I would appreciated his not contacting me again." In two sentences, I took that scary monster that had been chasing me for several years, and wrapped him up and sent him on his way.

I heard from him again several months later on FB, but again with the same feeling of taking care of myself, I repeated what I had said to him, adding that I was not going to pretend that everything was alright. That I needed to heal, in my way, at my speed. What I was doing was taking my power back! My anger toward him subsided, now if I see him on line I don't flinch like I used to. I simply don't have contact with him. I feel sad about what happened, but I'm not letting take control of my life. Not anymore.

That's what I hear from you. You want to take your power back fully, but have not formulated it as of yet. It's not that all transgendered people are bad. In fact after working with many people of all types of sexual orientation, including transgendered people, I know there a lot of love in just about anybody if you look for it. Your avoidance of anything transgendered is really you trying to stay safe from "this guy". I don't know what happened between the two of you. There's not enough information, but the information that is in your post says tons about the pain you went through.

He caused you that pain, not other transgendered people. Only he did. Perhaps he wants to make amends. It's not up to him when that happens. He won't take your power from you, unless you give it up. You have the controls here. If you don't want him in your life...it's not written anywhere that you have to abide with that. Incidentally, you say you have a lot of gay friends and don't discuss sexuality with them. It's good of you to respect boundaries. Many people don't. But I hope you understand that being gay is not the same as being transgendered. It's two totally separate worlds. I'm gay, but don't feel as if I'm a woman stuck in a male body. That's what makes us different. That's what makes transgendered people different from all of us. They have a condition sometimes called body dysphoria or Gender Identity Disorder. It is a real condition that many people suffer from. I only use the word suffering, because to them they are suffering. But that enough about that.

I just want to let you know that situation like these, don't have to send you over the edge. All you have to do is take care of yourself. Take care of your relationship, and your life. Your ex will certainly understand that. If he doesn't, it's not your responsibility to explain to him unless you want to. I know the pain, but I also know it will pass, if you allow it to.

Wishing you inner peace.

[CindyLuWho]

Thank you all for your kind words.

My ex was indeed abusive - emotionally and mentally - to both me and my then 8 year old son. I think my fear is that if he crops up again he will hurt me again. But I know that he can't. I am too strong for that.

I think it was just the shock of seeing him on Facebook in his new role as a married woman that threw me so badly. (I know my pronouns are all screwy - this isn't an easy issue to handle with correct grammar.)

It's true, I loved him deeply and the only way I could cope after I asked him to leave was to run and hide. Apparently I didn't realize that I was still hiding. I know, rationally, that I don't have any reason to be afraid and that I have total power over who is in my life. I don't have to hide from anyone!

Fear is, of course, not rational. But now that I am becoming aware of where it is coming from, I can handle it better.

Thanks again all! For listening and understanding.

Cindy