[barleysmile]

I was raised to be 'the lady'. I have a twin who was our mother's favorite. She has a very dominant, self serving personality. Her absolute lack of empathy and awareness is literally shocking to me at times. I'm proud of my compassionate nature and selfless demeanor. However, it's not serving me as an adult. How does one turn that around. I was very specifically raised to put myself last and least. I was a caregiver for a disabled 15 yr old for two months. They were a very happy two months. I was good, very good. When I was in the room, she'd be calm. If she went to long without me, she could become violent. I believe she knew somehow that I really put her first when I was there. In spite of being mentally and physically disabled, she felt how much I cared. I'm really proud of this aspect of my personality. But, I'm way to passive. I've been without work for two years except for those two months. My yielding nature works against me in 'the real world'. I don't defend myself like I should. I yield completely when I should firmly stand up for myself. When I get angry, I cry, helplessly. I can't afford counselling but I have to get this under control. It bothers me that this passivity is a fault. What is a loving nature in a family becomes a door mat in a business environment. Help. Does anyone have any insight on this topic? I am dependent on family. They need me to grow a backbone and it's what I want too.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Barleysmile,

I know what it is like to be raised to put myself last and least. I still struggle to this day because when I got to my teenage years I rebelled and said no more. Unfortunately it didn't do me much good because I made choices that put my life in danger. Always got out, but with enough damage to create another problem for me.

What you need to do is to rebel but in a safe way. Sit in a room with a stong pillow and a chair; sit on the chair and bring every possible thought you can into your mind. Let them build and as they are building, say either out loud or in your mind "NO MORE!" As the feeling builds take the pillow and use it to hit back at the thoughts and safely at the person who caused it. Being fully aware that you are hitting out at the cause not the person.

You may destroy the pillow, and will have to clean up, but belt it out until you can't feel the rage any longer. Sit quietly and calmly for a few moments and then get yourself a nice cool drink of water and go clean up the pillow if need be.

I know this sounds out of character but that is the point, and once you have stood up to those things, those thoughts you will find strength to stand up to others, be they lesser or more than the ones you fought,

Rhiannon

[Onward2wards]

I can relate to what you're expressing here. I have realized there's a difference between being empathic / sensitive (which the world could do with more of, I think!) and being too acquiescent / passive (which just works against us). They are often talked about as if they were almost the same thing, which is simply not true! For me, passivity simply means: not taking action when I should be for my own good. In my own experience, it seems to have its roots in low self-esteem, low assertiveness, too much pessimistic thinking, over-analyzing things, and past experience where either passivity had a payoff or repeated disappointments were encountered. Plain old anxiety plays a role, too. I imagine people have different personal reasons for being too passive, but I think these are the common reasons.

Here are some articles and websites that you may find useful:

About sensitivity as a (desirable) personality trait:
(I identify as a "Highly Sensitive Person", the concept may or may not ring true for your own experiences)
http://www.hsperson.com/
http://www.highlysensitivepeople.com/

Building assertiveness and self-esteem:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/***...l-view-part-1/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ss-in-4-steps/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/how...r-self-esteem/

A great tool to keep anyone on an even emotional keel and plan for how to handle a crisis:
http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publi...pubs/SMA-3720/

An excellent site to get you thinking about what's important to you and how to get more out of life:
http://www.happiness-project.com

Best of luck to you in this. It's a fixable problem ... I'm working on it myself.

[lonegael]

You might want to try saying the Word "No" to yourself whenever you start to feel guilty for not having done something self effacing, or when you start to feel the feeling inside that you "should" do something above and beyond for someone. It's important to sort out when you really WANT to do it and when you think you SHOULD. I admire you for seing that your family really needs you to be stronger, but you also need to do thins for yourself, dear! HUGGS and good luck!

[Perna]

Hi, barleysmile. I know just what you're talking about about being raised as a "lady", me too. It takes a lot of time and effort to get over that. I recommend picking some literal small action that bugs you and trying to do it differently, maybe make a list of literal behaviors you could work on. I still have trouble giving my husband the larger piece of meat, for example (women always give men the large piece of meat, they need the extra energy because they're "men" and work so hard :-) When you find yourself making a personal decision, give yourself whatever it was you decided the other person should "have"! Every time you think, "I should go check on Whoshewhats, instead, do something for yourself!

The airline instruction where you're supposed to put the oxygen mask over your own face first before helping children or others needing help reminds me that I have to take care of myself well or I can't take care of others as well as I might. Think of taking care of yourself in that light; you enjoy taking care of others so take care of yourself so your "instrument" (yourself) is in as good a shape as you can make it?

[beggin for help]

I too, am passive in almost every area of my life. I have been told it served a good purpose at one time. Well, it does not serve a purpose anymore, but I can't seem to shake it. People walk all over me and I just lie there and whimper. It's like I am just so grateful for them throwing me a crumb every now and then to keep me hanging on to whatever egotistic reason to keep me around. I then get really down on myself. I just need to vent here.

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

The question I have for you, if you do not mind my asking, is, do you want to continue being passive, or wanting to change?

Have a good one.

[beggin for help]

Originally Posted by Princess_Obsidian

Greetings,

The question I have for you, if you do not mind my asking, is, do you want to continue being passive, or wanting to change?

Have a good one.

I don't know if I have the energy to change right now. I feel very depressed and just don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I know people are thinking..."if you would just make yourself get out of the house...". But, I don't want to. Last nite I cried and rocked and hung on to my head board for so long until I finally fell asleep. I did the usual "wish I would die" routine and said and thought extremely negative things to myself. I know those words are demeaning, but it just felt good saying them. And then I put some ear plugs in my ears so I would not "hear" any outside sounds. There were no sounds, it just felt like the right thing to do. I am just whining here. Please let me vent and express myself without expecting anything out of me. Thanks for listening. P.S. I am going to a psych. and taking meds. They just don't work all the time when I get all messed up.

[NUBIFER]

Hi

I have the same problem sometimes. Like I will let my actions be ruled by other's wishes. I do have a big heart and want to help when I can but seem to get kicked in the teeth alot too.

My biggest prob is at work. I take so much crap then get to the point of total frustration where I will either lash out in a rage or go out to my car and cry in frustration.

I think I will have to read those links and see if that doesn't help. Silly thing is, I am a really strong and independant woman - was not raised to be a malleable female so it makes no sense.

Good luck to all of us to find our strength.

[jay-d]

you sound like someone i know well and she's a good hearterd person just her family is pure evil and her family is ninety nine percent of her problems. but i'm trying to get by myself with dealing with her leaving me again without saying a word. like i told her everything will work out,you'll see! but its not gonna work out for me i cant handle not knowing,know what i mean?