[hayward]

I feel like I am going to throw up, racked with guilt. A family member committed suicide. I have been helping out. The mom is a recovering alcoholic. She overheard that I had wine, and talked me into giving her a glass.
I don't know why I did this- it was impulsive. But she lost her son, and I couldn't imagine anything worse, and I just did it.

I feel absolutely sick. If people find out I do not know what I will do. Seriously. I am up all night with guilt and dread and regret. WTF

[Leed]

Hi - Please do NOT beat yourself up. This isn't your fault. You are NOT her babysitter. She knew what she was doing - this was a crisis for her, and she had a lapse. Did she get DRUNK??? If she didn't, then there was no harm done. If she DID, then it's still not your fault because she KNEW what the chances are that she wouldn't be able to put it down.

I'm a recovering alcoholic too -- and I know what will happen if I pick up the first drink. I'm going to get drunk. She knows this too because ALL of us have had that drummed into us. It's not the last drink that gets us drunk - it's the first. We KNOW that. And so does she. So don't beat yourself up.

Yes, it was a terrible tragedy that she had to go thru - but she's going to have to learn how to cope with these without booze. This time she didn't make it. Hopefully next time something happens, she'll make a better choice. Stop judging yourself. You did what you were asked to do - you did NOTHING wrong. Forgive yourself sweetie. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

[hayward]

You are very kind to respond to me. I have been laying here and hardly slept. I am trying to talk to myself and say that she will be okay when we go there this morning but I honestly have more anxiety than i can almost bear.

She was very reassuring to me promising she would never say that I was involved, and I was stupid to buy into that. No one else there would have done it. Relatives arriving now have been asking me about everything. I'm serious- if this gets out I don;t know what I will do. Im not very stable myself.

I keep envisioning driving up and being confronted by her adult kids and then by the other people.I have been practicing lying since she said she wouldn't drag me into it. I am not kidding,,I have had panic attacks and felt anxiety before and this is much worse. Usually I can envision the other side of a situation and know it will be okay.

I keep thinking of all these people who I have been looking straight in the face the last couple of days. Geez I think my body is going to give out. Seriously I dont want to be conscious but I know I will be

[sugahorse1]

Leeds is right - it's not your fault. She asked you for a glass of wine - you didn't offer it. She only had 1 glass...
Please relax and don't beat yourself up about it. She is already an alcoholic and an adult - therefore responsible for her own actions.

[madisgram]

she made the choice. had you not been there obviously she would have gotten the wine herself or ask someone else to get it. so don't beat yourself up, please. those of us sober understand how this happened. alcohol will wait patiently for us to weaken. that is why we must always vigilant. with her son committing suicide all she's done is create another problem. i hope she comes to her senses.imho she made a bad choice knowing she was an alcoholic in recovery.

[hayward]

Thanks to all of you. I am new to this site and could post on a variety of issues, but yesterday it was all about this. I cannot even believe how much it made a differnce to me. The middle of the night in a horrific situation and I was actually able to connect somehow. I couldn't change how I was feeling but I think validation is incredibly powerful.

I made it through the night and after the first few minutes back with her I felt like maybe it would all pass- at least my involvement. I still panic about people finding out, since I suspect it is all going to get much worse for her. She told me that after I left she threw up. But that it was all on her.

I highly suspect she had more to drink than what i gave her, and that this will only get worse. Very selfishly, I want time to pass so that when all of her issues surface, and she does maybe tell people, It will be vague about when it happened etc.. and only just a part of the pix. I don't know.
Geez, now that I write this I do panic again. I have been right in the middle of all of this and I am exhausted. I go back and forth trying to rationalize wat I did, yet I am also angry about the lack of empathy coming from other people. I feel helpless. I want to make it all better but I cant . It is hard to strike a balance between what I can and cant and should and shouldnt do.

I had a very uncomfortable conversation this morning with another family member. I know we all grieve differently, but I am sick and tired of feeling like there id something wrong with ME because I am overly concerned and vulnerable and in your face with raw emotion. No one is telling them that they shouldn't be who they are and not to appear so cold. The gist of the situation was " I am sick of you trying to process this aloud, sick of your emotions and talking about them. I cannot deal with you.. you talk too much, are way too sensitive, and I wish you would just shut up."

Right now I thinking that its time for emotions and empathy to be the preferred "normal" thing to be... Too often I feel like others are getting away with things and scapegoating because they can.. they pick on people who are vulnerable to begin with- people who are too sensitive to throw this all back at them, too sensitive to just let it go and not take it personally. In a family full of disfunction, it is the kinder souls with large hearts that end up being additional problems, when we are actually the most honest and giving ones. It happened for me before this- just last week as well. I keep letting people make me feel inferior because I am so sensitive.

[madisgram]

back again...read your recent post and think you are traumatized by the suicide. you are trying to express your emotions to your disfunctional family. clearly they are not a comfort to you. perhaps talk about how u feel with a close friend instead? i lost my best friend this way, suicide, and can totally understand how you feel.

the other thought i had was we cannot control others or fix others but we can change our own perceptions of life...sensitivity around others...you can learn new ways to cope especially with your family. i have a similar family and have detached myself emotionally from them. i had a T show me how to protect myself and remove myself from their disfunction. it has surely helped. BTW do you have a T? they can help us with these issues.
sorry you are feeling like your own feelings are not being validated. i don't think your family is the answer so consider a T or close friend to give you comfort during this difficult time. and of course we are here for you 2.

[lonegael]

Hayward, when someone kills themself, it opens up so many emptions and issues for poepl close to the victim that all too often, they don't want to look too closely at those feelings. I think you are doing nothing wrong for grieving the way you do, but others might have other issues about what happpened. Your openess may make them feel their own unresolved shame or guilt or anger all the more keenly, and they mih not be able or willing to simply sit down and say "You know, we had that fight a week ago and I was so mad and I wish I had been less stubborn and just picked up the phone and said, forget about it."
Realize, Hayward, you might get snapped at, but it might have very little to do with you. I'm so sorry for your grief right now. do you have someone else to talk to? Madisgram had some very good advice. At least take a break from all the tension, if you can. Even if you gireve, you must also live. Glad to hear you could get som support here. HUUUUUGGGGSSSSS and deep condolences.

[figting2live]

Hello Hayward...Just wanted 2 tell you to hang in there. I'm fighting for my life and wanted to say you sharing shows me how much pain I might cause someone else by not finding hope to continue with my own life. You actually did something that wasn't so bad...you was there for the mother the way you knew how to be at that moment. You did something incredible...you shared, cared and may have very well saved a life!!!!

[hayward]

Oh my goodness, you people here are so kind and wise. Yes, I am seeing now just how complicated all of this is- the guilt, the personalities, the shame and the regrets. I am probably the least of any of these problems, and in fact have been there the most in so many ways. Even as I write this there are close family members who are not even speaking or reaching out to anyone. I know they have their own issues, but to me this is a deal breaker and you just do it.
I have to keep pushing away the blame thing I am feeling for others as well, since it cannot change anything. But most of all I am saddened that a young boy would feel this much isolation and pain that he could not bear it anymore.

[Ygrec23]

((((((((Hayward))))))))

[hayward]

Originally Posted by figting2live

Hello Hayward...Just wanted 2 tell you to hang in there. I'm fighting for my life and wanted to say you sharing shows me how much pain I might cause someone else by not finding hope to continue with my own life. You actually did something that wasn't so bad...you was there for the mother the way you knew how to be at that moment. You did something incredible...you shared, cared and may have very well saved a life!!!!

I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad but I think it is a great thing that not only are you coming to this forum for yourself, but you are also trying to make others feel better as well. That shows a strength that you need to keep feeding.

I would never want to add to your guilt, but you do need to think about what your life and death would mean to those you love and who love you back. Ideally, yes, you would care enough about yourself to want the help you need to go on with your life. If you aren't at that place yet- get there right away.
The devastation of a suicide permeates through families, friends, and communities with bottomless pain, regret, sadness, and guilt. I don't think you can even imagine it.
There are people dying everyday who have had no choice in this.. people with illnesses who have suffered and are having to leave a world they don't want to leave, leaving a wake of sadness behind. They would have given anything to have the choice that you do have.

You sound like a very caring, thoughtful person. Treat yourself the way you treat others, and build on your strengths. Keep posting on forums such as this, and see how much you have to offer. Your family and friends and the world need you. You have a purpose.

[hayward]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

((((((((Hayward))))))))

Thank you so much. Very well said, or shall I say, very well quoted.