Shame, Empathy and Connectedness...

In practical terms, what does it mean "to raise the floor some, or lower the sky"? And what are the "holes" to fill?

Oh, just ignore my post. I would delete it if I could. It was stupid!

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here and say"to raise the floor some", means
to, go back and reflect on the morals, that were instilled, on myself as a child.

Then I can ask myself, ethically speaking, "am I practicing the basics?"

.......which are...play nice in the sandbox....hold hands while crossing the street
.....and so on....

.....as I have gotten older....I have lost those perspectives.....then...due to my
super-sensitivity, the new saying is, "it's my way, or the highway".

So, these are the results from my own "self anaysis".

What I have corrected, were, "if yaa dont play nice in the sandbox, I dont wanna
play wit yaa anymore".......or raising my standards of associatives, "the floor",
(persons I associate with, who understand NO is a complete sentence)

While lowering my own expectations , or "the roof ", upon this new element of
associates(friends).......creates a slow re-building, of the good things I have learned
in life......(for me only...without being a butthead).....

Now, from my personal experience, the capitolized "NO" above comes from violation.
At a very early age I was abused.

Violation and vulnerability are Adult words, or learned words. I had to comprehend both words, before I could understand myself.

Deciefering between the two words, I had to remain vulnerable without feeling
violated, if I were to progress in this thing called life(or feel just a little better).

This is a small portion of what I have learned on this journey.

To remain vulnerable, I had to trust. I could not trust humans anymore, so I gave
all my trust to whatever ones conception may be, of something greater than,
humans themselves.

....and...in turn...being ready and willing(way,way to much emotional pain), quite
a few years(decade) ago, I had my own....spiritual awakening....or breakdown(lol)....
(.....another story..)

...being vulnerable myself, as of this day...has allowed me to come from being
homeless and spending winters outside, to submitting an offer on a house(waiting to
see if it has been accepted, today,right now)

......and to the storytellers.....

....this my dears,you must remember
....the quickest way to the truth.....
....is by means of a short story......

....a lost gold coin......
....is found by means of a penny candle.......

.....to much empathy, produced super sensitivity, at least for me......

......sparrowstail.......

Hey, I think most of us are groping in the dark so you obviously have some insight but are just trying to figure it out yourself. It was not stupid!!

Thanks for sharing

"Originally Posted by hayward
Oh, just ignore my post. I would delete it if could. It was stupid!"

Yeah.. what she said before me!!

Umm, I guess I just meant that I am really really thin skinned, and vulnerable. There is no room in between someone's comments and my heart- it goes right through to me. Like maybe I need some cushioning (strategies) to fill up some of the holes, to help mellow the sharpness of the "attack" that I take so personally.

So, yes,what I said was confusing and kind of stupid because I didn't explain it well. The raising/lowering meant that lessening the space between the intent of the comments, and my reaction to them, would temper my emotions some. Right now I drop so quickly that it feels like I am spiraling through a lot of space directly into a negative sea of self doubt.

I need thicker skin all around me! I need those thought reflections and strategies that were talked about to give me strength and help with the impulsive need to self-deprecate..

(Oh my, that doesn't really make sense either but I was trying to just dig myself out

Boy oh boy, do I know what you mean about being thin-skinned. When I receive something I perceive as critical or hurtful, I back off and put a wall between myself and the world. If I can't be touched, I can't be hurt, right? So, I find myself avoiding emotions at all cost. I talked with my therapist about it today and we will be exploring ways to cope with sensitivity.

In my way of thinking, being vulnerable and open to hurt means knowing and accepting that it is a part of life. It's bound to happen in our lives, there is truly no way we can keep ourselves 100% safe from being hurt.

I think we all have to find our own process in which we deal with being hurt. Sometimes we rein in our vulnerability after being hurt so we can protect ourselves. I guess the hardest part then is to process the hurt and slowly let that vulnerability out again. I can see how figuring out how to do that and actually doing that can be very difficult for many folks. It wasn't all that easy for me either.

There are many thoughts that go into allowing myself to continue to be vulnerable with others. Thoughts such as,

1. I believe there is good in everyone and strive to find it.
2. I look to see what I may have said or done that may have led to the hurt and what could I possibly have done differently to reduce or even stop that hurt from happening?
3. If I hide my vulnerability, what else could I be missing out there? Would I be open enough to enjoy the good things? I don't think so, because I wouldn't be able to take that chance in case of getting hurt.


sabby

I don't even need to "put myself out there" to get hurt. It's weird.. when someone says or does something that gets to me this way, it is automatic and through the core.. It even happens with my kids who don't have any idea that they what they are saying pierces me this way.

I immediately revert to feeling like a child, seriously. It happens SO FAST. Here's the comment, and then BOOM I am "put in my place." I get sick to my stomach, determined to distance myself from any contact with anyone ever again. I am a failure, a useless and pathetic person. Any positive feelings I had before, go right out the window.

I experience that too, often. Something occurs in an interaction that, to some people, would be perceived as small, innocuous, forgivable. Yet, I am burning with shame, feel I must leave and not return, hide myself. I hid myself so well that I never married, never had kids. Brown stated that you cannot be compassionate toward others if you cannot be compassionate toward yourself. I disagree. I have a masters in social work. I feel deeply touched by the pain I read about at this website. I just cannot extend it to myself, forgive myself laying waste my life.

Brown also stated that you cannot numb painful emotions without numbing joy. Conversely, I have cried rivers, but cannot feel joy. Still, she made many important points. Thanks for the youtube link.

I am so grateful that Micah shared the video. I can hardly wait until my order of Dr. Brown's books comes in. And I'm very grateful that so many people have shared their own experiences. Shame is not a topic that people discuss (at least not those whom I know) and it's refreshing and somewhat liberating to be able to share these feelings with all of you. Again, thanks to all.