[hayward]

Simply put:

-Pretend you are a person trying to improve your life. You have admitted to mistakes, tried to take responsibility, and are also learning about your issues so that you can finally be proactive and feel better.

-Now, pretend that you live with a person who is in denial of his/her problems, things that create problems for the two of you.

What I want to know is this:

Does anyone have advice on how you can actually stay focused on yourself in a positive way, AND still have a good relationship with someone who is pissing you off because he/she isn't making steps to improve things?

I hear over and over again that you can't control another person's actions and decisions- that whole acceptance thing. When I am feeling weak and depressed, none of it matters to me, but when I am feeling better, I have a hard time not being angry. We have such a long history of me being the one "with issues", of the focus being on me, and I have just let that happen. (BTW, we are talking 25 years together)

I am not going to leave this man, though I have certainly thought about it. I know that I am making choices that I need to live with. I know that I need to find other things than him to occupy my time and energy.

But how do I do this AND still accept him enough to make things good between us?

As usual, I am already imagining the repsponses I will get. And I completely understand why people may say certain things. I guess this really comes down to the basic:

How do you accept the faults of someone you love without being bitter.. how do you ignore things that are a problem for you, but the other person doesn't see them as problems? Since I have said that I am not leaving, I guess I am just looking for practical strategies to help me so that I can stay focused on feeling better and not get dragged down by this.

What happens when one out of two people decides that they want their lives to change and the other one wants things to stay the same?

(Oh, well maybe that wasn't so simply stated after all!)

And I just want to add this:
For so long I have accepted less because I thought I deserved less and haven't pushed for more because it was all so comfortable.. But when I look to the future- making progress/change, I know it will shake things up but I still don't want to lose that familiarity..? Get it!?

[Dark_Dreams]

After 25 years, I don't care how bad things are, the idea of walking away is not really the first thing I would think of. You two obviously have somethign together or you would not have been together for so long. I actually commend you for first taking care of yourself anf making the changed in your life that you feel you need to take. And second for sticking it out for someone you love even when things are not perfect.

Have you sat down and told him exactly how you feel? How does he respond?

I guess in this case it comes down to picking your battles. You obviously love him. Does that love change because he isn't doing things that you think he should be doing? You can really only take responsibility for yourself. Perhaps in time, when he sees the changes you are making in your life, he will follow.

I'm sorry this is so rough. Relationships naturally have ups and downs but I know it hurts when things are not working out as we would like.

[Perna]

You have to relentlessly keep things on you and what you want and your will. If you want the trash to be taken out, you have to take it out since you want it that way; yes, you'd like the other person to "share" the tasks but if you were living alone, you'd have to do everything yourself; get in that mindset and at least half of the things that bug you might go away.

Remind yourself of what you get living with someone (money, food, shelter, clothing, the "comfort" of your regular life you speak of) that would be less than you'd like without them and put up with making dinner for two or washing the extra towel and having things be messier than you'd like.

Every now and then test yourself and give him a friendly pat on the back or ask how he slept, make him his favorite foods for dinner, see if there isn't a spark of sweetness still in the bones of the relationship.

[Leed]

Really, all you CAN do is just keep focusing on yourself and your goals. Do whatever you can to attain those goals, whether or not he wants to change. It really doesn't matter. You can leave him behind in the dust, or he can come along if he wants to. Either way, you're going to attain your goals. You HAVE to be the person you want to be!

If he cannot take the changes that you've made in your life, let HIM make any decisions about leaving/staying. You don't have to. It's your life and you will do what you need to do. You don't need to leave to achieve your goals. It shouldn't matter what he is doing for you to go 'where' you want to be.

God bless you and best of luck! Hugs, Lee

[phoenix7]

when people change their relationships change too

the other person can feel bitter and resentful at the one who changed - and is now asking them to change - "just because you think i should be this way i have to be??"

are these things that you would like changed a major issue ? or are they things that you can say - that is their choice and im not going to let it annoy me

Focus on your goals - keep a sheet of them - so you have a visual record - revisit the sheet often and check your progress - make a plan perhaps - in one month i wil have done this this and this

(i even have a whiteboard and a dream board where i put pics to do wiht my goals to remind me lol)

people dont change because you want them to or because you can see they have a problem - unfortunately ...sighs ... they have to realise they have a problem and want to change it

rmember it can be really annoying/disconcerting/scary/anxiety making for the other person - especially if they have any form of depression - to see another making progress and realise they are stil in the mire.

Also there is always the fear that the other person (the one making progress) wil outgrow them and leave them behind ...........

just a few thoughts to throw out there for you....

[sugahorse1]

You have just written about my current situation, down to a every last detail.
I have no advice myself, but know you are not alone xx

i don't think your options are between trying to control your partner and just acceptance of whatever they do. i think setting boundaries is what is in the middle between those two extremes and the way to go. it's true you can't change others but that absolutely doesn't mean they get to just do whatever and you have to accept it. you might want to check out writings on co-dependency, boundaries, or the 12-step program co-dependents anonymous. there is a lot of ground between controlling others and just accepting whatever comes your way. good luck.

[hayward]

Sorry, I am just getting around to thanking everyone who replied to me.

I appreciate your kind words and suggestions, even if I sometimes have a hard time internalizing them!

Right now I am actually on this site as a distraction to all of this because I am frustrated and angry with him, and really don't like him much.

By the way, that ^ was the first time I ever used one of those smilie things. I think I am understanding how you need to pick your battles, and right now I just don't want to zap the little energy I have by thinking about all of this.

Sometimes you just need to "Check out" of a situation for a while...

ALso, that comment about garbage cracks me up. Every week this would be this battle.. Him: "I will take it out!!".. ME: "No problem, I'll do it."
HIM: "No, really I will."

Then: DAYS of him just pushing the garbage down more and more.. trying to put it off. The smell getting worse and the bag filling up, heavy and disgusting...

SO.. me: just deciding to do it myself, no complaining, since it obviously means more to me. Him: WHY do you do that? You are wasting a garbage bag! It wasn't even full!" AGGGHHHHH!

[Uprwestsdr]

You get what you settle for. Is this what you want for yourself? Does this make you happy? Does it have a future? Can you grow and be the person you want to be?

I think these are the relevant questions.

[madisgram]

couple's counseling? would he go? rather than your feeling frustrated with him perhaps this would enable you both to have an objective mediator, iron out your conflicts, discuss ways to live more harmonious, and help the relationship. just a thought.