Do you think?

Hey guys,

Do you ever think you make yourself even more ill by excessively worrying/researching/thinking/talking/writing about your mental health and all your issues?

Do you think there will come a day when you won't be able to do this and will be able to lead a "normal" life?

Do you think you can stop all these thoughts?

I feel like I am crazy!!

Hi Miss Laura,
My relatives are from Scotland, Dundee and surrounding areas. I have always wanted to see Scotland. And ofcourse, I would love to see the Loc Ness Monster, LOL.

You presented a good question and I wonder that too. With my particular issue being PTSD and PTSD related depression I often wonder if it would have been better that I never knew, but ofcourse I was put in a situation where I just literally was consumed by it. I just find myself wondering how this could possibly be.

I am often very torn. But I think that if we are aware of why we feel the way we do than we can understand ourselves better and try to work at living in spite of it.

I didn't click on you to find out what you are dealing with and trying to understand.
But I do think that we can obsess about our issues without realizing it.

Depending on the issue someone has it is always important to get the right and help with it by a therapist as well as other support atmospheres, like PC.

I just checked your about me and I think it is important to make sure you get diagnosed by a professional. Some of the symptoms that you are describing can be PTSD. I don't know your history but PTSD can seem like you have other issues so you really need a professional opinion.

Sorry to hear your not feeling well, I have been fighting an terrible chest and head thing for over a week now and it has been a tough bug. If you are not feeling well you should go and see your doctor. It is not good to play your own doctor and psychologist.

Open Eyes

Is that what "normal" is?--Not thinking about all the things that are wrong with me?

Oh, No!!! I am actually "normal"!!??? I am smiling.

Hi (((Miss Laura)))--no, I am not making fun of your question. It's weird. When I came back to PC after a year; I was unable to go to the forums as once I did.
I'd get triggered.

Yes, IMO, yes, and Yes again. I stopped dwelling on what was wrong with me; and began FINALLY(!) to think positively about myself, and all that is "right" about me.

From me, a solid "YES" to your question!!!--------------------------Pax---theo

For me, doing is the key. Helen Keller states my thought in a different context: “I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”

I was once telling a past pdoc about the kind of r/s I was looking for (and basically why he should marry me!). I felt the person would need psychological insight and awareness and depth of understanding so we wouldn't have stupid fights that could be easily explained away by some psychological jargon - a perfect world, right? I finished my speech with, "So, you see, I NEED a psychiatrist!" He replied, "Lucky you are here then! Let's continue."

I think that sometimes these forums can be a trigger, but I think it's a healthy thing. It's likely that you were in denial before, or unhealthily (is that a word?) stuffing things deep inside. I don't watch him often but one phrase I quote from Dr. Phil is "you can't change what you don't acknowledge".

Looking "out" instead of "in"? I think a lot of it is what one needs at the time; like how you concentrate on school work if you're in school or your work when you're there, etc.

miss laura, there have been times i have taken a sabbatical from therapy. i only did this when i felt comfortable with the progress i had made. once new things i couldn't seem to handle on my own would i step up my therapy regimine.
if we are constantly over-analyzing ourselves i don't think as much progress can be made. it is too stagnant. so balance imo is the key. distractions help too. for me it was jig saw puzzles. it quieted my mind cause i was focusing on the puzzle not rumination about me.also stepping outside the box in our real life can be a gratifying experience for personal growth. we are much more capable than we recognize. our mental illness doesn't define who we are. it is only a segment of our total self. progress in my state of being has been the key for positive change. a willingness to change and seek help and doing the footwork was a vital part of any success i've made.
to answer your primary question yes, you can improve! have hope. and NO U R not crazy.
my experience has been this-at first there was a lot of focus on learning to live healthier (in mind). as time progressed i improved. today for the most part i am content and happy. so if that defines normal i expect i am.

I know how you feel, trust me. Oftentimes my emotions and therapy are the only topics in my writing. Bad? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly teaches me to analyze a greater issue - that's not necessarily a bad thing. But as far as writing goes, I'm probably not doing much to improve my talent when I only focus my efforts on one particular topic.

((((((hugs))))))

It feels like I am compelled to analyze what is going on with my ups and downs. For sure, that is not always profitable and it has me spending more time inactive, when I would be better off just to go do something. I don't think I really could be any other way. It feels like my mission in life is to try and figure things out. That's not a great mission, though, because we never quite succeed in all our "figuring" at totally knowing what has us this way. (Well, I'm really speaking for myself.)

Thank you guys for all your input.... I didn't think anyone was gonna answer as I thougth it was a dumb thing I was asking of you guys. So thank you all!!

Hey Open Eyes... I am actually from Dundee Loch Ness Monster is a fascinating myth that I like too I have Bipolar Type 1 and have struggled with my diagnosis since I got it November 2010. Guess I have always believed I am ok and that there is nothing wrong with me. When I was diagnosised I researched and researched and begged with myself that I was NOT Bipolar. I have tried my hardest to tell myself I am not ill and that I am fine and then everyone tells me I am not fine and that I am in fact ill and that I am dangerous and that I need structure blah, blah, blah!! I hope you feel better soon... it sucks when your ill with a cold/flu. I am seeing my CPN on Tuesday and my friends have said to talk to him. My Friend last night wanted me to call my CPN today but I said no. I am fine, I think!!

Thanks Theodora,

I can't see clearly that there is anything good about me... I know I am a good person deep down but what makes me a good person I don't know. I have came on here for about a week now and not signed in until evening time and then just hovering around here. Maybe not saying much. Sometimes just reading posts are hard. I never use to get affected by other people's posts though?

Thanks TheByZantine,

In other words I am not completely helpless? I have talents and my life ahead of me.... I should embrace it?

Thanks Hankster,

Haha!! I get what you are saying... it would be handy though if our significant other(s) were in the Mental Health career so as they could see when we are not being our normal selves!!

Thanks Porcupine2,

I think I want to believe on 1 hand I am fine and that everything is rosey but on the other hand I understand to a limit that I am ill and especially at the moment I am all over the place. I think I need to know how to stop all of it and just "move on" if possible.

Thanks Perna,

Is it best to understand a little or a lot of your diagnosis... once a Psych has diagnosised you of having? Or just learn what your symptoms are?

Thanks Madisgram,

I know it will take time... well I think I do. I know for the millionth time there are no quick fixes. I can't seem to get it out of my thick head that there are no quick fixes. I guess in time I will EVENTUALLY get there.

Thanks Indie's OK,

When I write in my journal my thoughts are all messed up and skip around the paper. I have a journal which is mostly all about my moods and I have never shown anyone. My Support Worker asked if I had shown my CPN or Psych and I said no. Psych I only get like 20 mins if that every 6-8 weeks. I cram 4 weeks into 1 hour if not under an hour with my CPN. I just can't show them it.

Thanks Rose76,

I totally get what you are saying. It's like my mission in life is to probably run myself to the ground?!? Too much thinking, too much writing, not getting anywhere??

Miss Laura, Have you been feeling this poorly for awhile? Did it come on you suddenly? Was there a specific trigger, or was in more a general sense of dissatisfaction? I'm sorry you feel like you're not getting anywhere. That can be so demoralizing that it seems hardly worth trying, and then one can spiral further down. Keep us posted. You are cared about.

Hey Rose,

Kinda for a while but more recently when I was told I might be Borderline. I don't have the ability at the moment to think what's me and what's me being ill... I know I am ill I am doing somethings that are associated with being ill but I don't want to stop!

If you totally wanted to stop and could effectively decide to do that and then just stop, well, then I'ld say you didn't have much of an illness in the first place. I think the very reason we are all here is because we do have serious conditions that result in "maladaptive behavior" that is hugely challenging to re-program. We didn't chose to have the condition. Our responsibility is to work at learning to "manage" the symptoms. You only recently got diagnosed with Borderline PD, a tough condition to live with. As your understanding of this disorder grows, you will develop strategies to reduce the amount of ill-time that it brings. Success leads to wanting more success. It involves an on-going process that you are just beginning to learn about. I think it's good that you got a tentative diagnosis. Now, you will look at yourself in the light of that and know that you are one of many people facing a particular challenge (different in each person, but also the same.)

Hey Rose76,

I haven't been diagnosised with having Borderline.... CPN has said that I might have it.

I have had such a crap day. Well after I logged off of here last night I was totally Manic and then crashed to sever Depression. I wanted to hurt myself and I wanted to take extra meds. I so as not to put myself in that position decided NOT to take my meds last night. I cried myself to sleep. I was/am still hurting. I didn't hurt myself though. I wish I could just tell someone. I tried telling my Support Worker today but just couldn't tell her. I just don't know anymore.

That is an important distinction: getting a diagnosis verses getting a suggestion about what might be something to consider/explore. A psychiatrist I highly respect said, in a lecture, that it can take quite a bit of time to get to where your clinician can have some real confidence in a particular diagnosis. Prior to that, the best you might get is an educated "guess." (subject to further review and change)

In the meantime, I hope somehow you can be helped to feel less awful. You sound distraught. Have you been this ill before? As hard and uncomfortable as it may seem to talk about, it sounds like those involved in your care need to be made aware of the extent of your symptoms. You seem to be handling a terrible load on your own. It's true that the scheduled appointments can fail to allow enough time to get past a conversation that stays superficial. Our healthcare systems might be very different, so I'm not knowledgeable about your options. I have had to go to the psych crisis unit to say that I was in a lot more distress than I was able to get across at my appointments. Staff there did seem to hear me and my doctor was informed. Don't give up on trying to find someone to alert to your state of mind. It is worrisome.

I accepted that I have bipolar disorder. Before I accepted the disorder I believed myself to be bpd because a t suggested it to me. What I didn't know was that I was confused and in denial. I knew they labeled me as Bipolar, and I was mad so I didn't want to cooperate with treatment plans. I constantly went off my medication and partook in SI and had many one-sided arguments with my boyfriend. (Me arguing, him trying to calm me down) It was a mess.

When I finally opened up to my support team and informed them of cycles prematurely I started to get somewhere. I still struggle and have problems but I accepted those problems. I accept the fact that I might relapse and SI or even imagine myself in that position. (Among various things) Once I was able to accept it, things begun to get better. Really accepting is hard too. It took me going off my medication for a month, crying for a month about why am I born this way before I realized I am no different from anyone else after several years of denial. So what, I have bipolar. Everyone has a problem, this disorder does not make me any less of one.

That was when I stopped actively ruminating so often and decided that there were no boundaries for me that I couldn't achieve. (Except math. I have failed that subject 2 times in uni already...hahaha)

Do they have any crisis lines you can call? Not familiar with Scotland but it sure helps when you can talk to an outside person giving you an objective viewpoint, much like on this forum. My heart goes out to you

Oh, I'm sorry you had such a sad night. I think we all get mute sometimes. It's okay. Just try to tell yourself that it takes a lot more energy to hold something in, than to let it out.

As far as researching and "obsessing". IMO that opinion it is totally normal to be curious. Sometimes I think it even relieves anxiety to look and look.

FWIW, I've found that even when I'm really busy, my brain still works on things. Sometimes it comes to a solution or understanding that it likely wouldn't have if I had been forcing it so to speak it.

There is no one path to follow.

It's all good, even though it may not feel like it.

When you can, talk. It helps.

Thanks guys,

I still haven't told my Mum yet..... I wish I could I just can't. Last night all I could think about was maybe it would be better if I went into the Hospital.... I have NEVER thought like that even when I have been VERY suicidal. I just don't know. I am "kidding" on I am happy/ok just cause well just cause. I went out today with my folks and sister and then came home and all I have done is sleep. I am so tired. Its just after 8pm and I am thinking of bed.

I am seeing my Support Worker on Monday but I don't want to alarm people as I am managing (just and no more).

Wish I could stop thinking low but it's the mixture of the high and lows I am confused by I haven't been like this since I went off Anti-Depressant to go onto Mood Stabliser.

I just don't know

Hi Laura,

Maybe the easiest thing would be to print out all the posts on this thread and show it to your support worker, as you've been saying how you really feel here. I know it's REALLY difficult telling someone what's going on and also not being sure how much to say (to stay in control of the situation?), but it does sound like you need and deserve help.

You could show them your update too "Miss Laura is feeling really ill and unsure what to do. I want someone to talk to but don't know what to talk about??" It's a starting point for something to talk about!

Our local NHS psychiatric services have a 24 hour crisis line, I don't know if that's the same for you up there. My GP told me about it. I appreciate calling could be difficult, but it may be worth finding out about for if you feel really unsafe.

Thanks Debbie,

I have a Crisis line I can call but am scared to call them. I will be fine until I see my CPN on Tuesday. I am a lot better than I have been. I think I have just been kidding myself on that I was coping.... I felt I was doing good though that's the problem.

I think I am gonna try and get my Mum own her own and talk to her but it's hard. I could tell my Sister the thing is.... I am sitting in livingroom with my folks and Sister and I just can't talk openly to people close to me about this. I can tell you guys and people I don't know... but people I know no way!

That's the problem with crisis lines - I spent a whole crisis trying to pursuade myself to pick up the phone! At least it was a distraction....

Good luck with talking to your mum.

Thanks Debbie...

Still not said anything. I saw a friend came on MSN so I MSN'ed her... She hasn't spoken to me I guess she is busy. I have and am appearing offline and don't intend on going online.