[mj88keys]

The title pretty much sums up my life. I hate myself, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth. I avoid mirrors because I hate how I look, I'm ugly and fat. I hate being alone because it gives me too much time to think, and when I start thinking I only remind myself what a disgusting person I am. I have, no exaggeration, one friend. I'm not good enough for anyone else. I'm a loser, a piece of ****, worthless, ugly, fat, waste of time failure.
I've been feeling this way for almost three years now, and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be someone good. I want to be someone that people want to be friends with. I want to be nice. I want to be pretty. I want to be skinny. But every time I try to improve myself, I end up falling back into my old mindset. This isn't right, I'm not right.
I've tried killing myself before, I was a frequent cutter, and suffered from bulimia, all within the past three years or so. I'm only 16. I don't want to live my life like this anymore.
I ruin everything I touch. I'm a dirty weed in a beautiful garden. All I want is to be a flower.

[IceCreamKid]

Flowers come in all shapes, sizes and colors. So do friends. I hope you will step outside of your misery long enough to look around and offer friendship to someone who needs it. I send you love.

[lynn P.]

(((mj88keys))) - welcome to psychcentral and I'm really sorry you feel so down on yourself. It takes energy to hate yourself and I think you should take this energy and use it to improve yourself. I hear you say several times, you feel overweight - obesity is becoming a big problem in N. America, especially young people your age. They're not eating healthy and spending too much time sitting.

Use this negative energy and switch it around. Have your parent make you an appt with your doctor and ask to be referred to a dietician. Start exercising even if its just walking. I'm so impressed when I see a person who's overweight and they turn their lives around. Are you getting help with the ED? I don't believe anyone is ugly - there's always good things to be found. Instead of fighting with yourself, fight to live better. Calling yourself names is only holding you back.

[(JD)]

Even weeds are just plants that no one has realized they need---yet. A flower? Kewl. I recall "loving" and picking the little vinca in the woods when I was little, growing up...they were wildflowers and considered worthless and weedy... now, you find them being sold with the other desired flowers in the plant stores.

Each day is a new day to begin again. Is it easy? Nope. Each time you quit trying, each time you entertain a negative thought (I'm fat, no one likes me) you are reinforcing that projection. Your body believes what your brain/mind says... and while you will have to fight to say the right things to yourself, they are more believable and true than the negative things you are believing about yourself now.

Focus on one or two areas at a time. Such as: Quit worrying about your weight and begin --and keep---eating healthy foods only. Quit worrying about how fat you look and dress in clothes that fit your body and make you look splendid!

When we try to change everything at once, we all become overwhelmed.

[EJ711]

Keys,

Hey, I'm sure you will find a lot of friends here.

I have put on weight in the last eight years, so I understand how you are currently feeling about your self image.

When did this all start?

Were you criticized as a child?

EJ

Originally Posted by mj88keys

The title pretty much sums up my life. I hate myself, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth. I avoid mirrors because I hate how I look, I'm ugly and fat. I hate being alone because it gives me too much time to think, and when I start thinking I only remind myself what a disgusting person I am. I have, no exaggeration, one friend. I'm not good enough for anyone else. I'm a loser, a piece of ****, worthless, ugly, fat, waste of time failure.
I've been feeling this way for almost three years now, and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be someone good. I want to be someone that people want to be friends with. I want to be nice. I want to be pretty. I want to be skinny. But every time I try to improve myself, I end up falling back into my old mindset. This isn't right, I'm not right.
I've tried killing myself before, I was a frequent cutter, and suffered from bulimia, all within the past three years or so. I'm only 16. I don't want to live my life like this anymore.
I ruin everything I touch. I'm a dirty weed in a beautiful garden. All I want is to be a flower.

[shezbut]

Gentle hugs to you mj88keys

It is sad to see you fighting with such hard and critical thought processes. I got stuck in that same pattern many, many years ago.

I have recently learned to try to ignore these automatic negatives. And, point out the positives that I see instead. I do avoid looking into mirrors, because that just brings out negative thoughts. Positives in life that I can see: I take good pictures of my daughters. I like walking & can walk for 6-7 miles, where I focus my attention on nature. I also enjoy collecting cookie jars for the heck of it. None of those positives are focused upon me.

I do go to therapy regularly and I take meds to keep my depression and anxiety at bay. From where I sit, that's taking a positive stand in life. I may not "like myself", but I don't have to focus on those dark thoughts that immediately come along with that fact. Let them go, and focus on the positives that I do still have in life.

Hope that helps you ~ very best wishes to you! As you grow, part of you will recognize that you may not deserve the horrible feelings that you currently hold towards yourself. No one does deserve it, but changing that mentality and pattern takes a long time and a lot of work.

[desolate]

Originally Posted by mj88keys

The title pretty much sums up my life. I hate myself, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth. I avoid mirrors because I hate how I look, I'm ugly and fat. I hate being alone because it gives me too much time to think, and when I start thinking I only remind myself what a disgusting person I am. I have, no exaggeration, one friend. I'm not good enough for anyone else. I'm a loser, a piece of ****, worthless, ugly, fat, waste of time failure.
I've been feeling this way for almost three years now, and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be someone good. I want to be someone that people want to be friends with. I want to be nice. I want to be pretty. I want to be skinny. But every time I try to improve myself, I end up falling back into my old mindset. This isn't right, I'm not right.
I've tried killing myself before, I was a frequent cutter, and suffered from bulimia, all within the past three years or so. I'm only 16. I don't want to live my life like this anymore.
I ruin everything I touch. I'm a dirty weed in a beautiful garden. All I want is to be a flower.

with just a few minor changes i could easily have wrote that im 25 but ive been struggling thru the same feeling since i was 14 that i can remember except for the fat part i know where your comming from its important to just try to build yourself up a little bit every day thats what ive been doing for the last 5 months and TRY to think on a positive side even if its a lie u tell urself it takes time but we can make it through this and discover what happiness is

[Lifeistrulyaride]

Hey mj,
I'll gladly be your friend?

I do understand what you're going through because when I was 16 I felt the same exact way. I was bulimic for over a year and as a result I have the worst acid reflux in the entire world. I'd look at myself and think how disgusting I looked. Back when I was 16, I was 5'4 and 160lbs. I hated my life and myself. It took me 4 years to pick myself up and do something for me. My advice to you is to get involved with something that takes those negative thoughts away..or well drifts them away. I joined karate..I took it for 6 years..went 4 times a week, became a runner..ran my first 5k race. I lost 35 lbs and became a much healthier person. You do hold power in your hands to make or break your life. Even the impossible is possible. I believe that everyone is a beautiful person. If you ever need to talk I'm here

I also need to follow my own advice for other things I need to still hold faith in. But I just wanted to let you know, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[rainwater]

I understand how you feel. I have also struggled with my body image my whole life. It is not easy pulling out of the I hate me mindset but you can do it.. Also, maybe check in with doc if you havent already as there are antidepressants that can help your thinking that controls your body.

God Bless You,

Rainwater

[Marla500]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Use this negative energy and switch it around. Have your parent make you an appt with your doctor and ask to be referred to a dietician. Start exercising even if its just walking. I'm so impressed when I see a person who's overweight and they turn their lives around. Are you getting help with the ED? I don't believe anyone is ugly - there's always good things to be found. Instead of fighting with yourself, fight to live better. Calling yourself names is only holding you back.

I second that...exercise will help you on so many levels...if you like the idea of doing a little weight training, that will give you confidence and you don't even need to have special equipment, you can use empty milk jugs with water or sand to the weight you need to start at. or a few basic exercises to tone up? best wishes, you are beautiful, you have to believe that.

[SoupDragon]

Well done for sharing that with us on here - I am so sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself right now and just 16 years old too. I can relate to much of what you say and although changes don't happen overnight, those changes can and do happen, but sometimes we need to be patient.

Do you have a T? Do you have a family member you can talk to?

This is such a great site, I have found understanding and support from such a wonderful bunch of people - welcome to PC and I really hope you can share more with us and that you feel support from here too.

Take care - Soup

[who_amI]

Originally Posted by mj88keys

the title pretty much sums up my life. I hate myself, and as much as i hate to admit it, it's the truth. I avoid mirrors because i hate how i look, i'm ugly and fat. I hate being alone because it gives me too much time to think, and when i start thinking i only remind myself what a disgusting person i am. I have, no exaggeration, one friend. I'm not good enough for anyone else. I'm a loser, a piece of ****, worthless, ugly, fat, waste of time failure.
I've been feeling this way for almost three years now, and i'm so tired of it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be someone good. I want to be someone that people want to be friends with. I want to be nice. I want to be pretty. I want to be skinny. But every time i try to improve myself, i end up falling back into my old mindset. This isn't right, i'm not right.
I've tried killing myself before, i was a frequent cutter, and suffered from bulimia, all within the past three years or so. I'm only 16. I don't want to live my life like this anymore.
I ruin everything i touch. I'm a dirty weed in a beautiful garden. All i want is to be a flower.

i used to feel same way im 32 now it's not as bad as it use to be..people would say there my friends only roung income tax time , even my mom so thay can get something..i used to go out and meet people drink and go home people i didnt know it was the liquire i didnt have sex with them but a conversation on liqure makes me think i look like j-lo (jennifer lopez) in case u didnt know ....my aunt told me one day you have a great personality but, your just fatt that hurt really bad my cousin use to all hang out togther no one would come get me ..but i started walking for hours a day and listen to musoc that make me feel good when u exercise not only are u transforming ur body but ur mind get a signal to make you think ur happy..crazy huh..i know until i tried it works right now im listen to pick me up music and surround yourself with postive people it w0rks