[Jacques]

Hello to all,I dont really know where to begin so I suppose i'll start from the start.(apologies if this post was meant to go somewhere else).

Around a year ago a met a girl on a gaming forum of which where im a moderator at.this girl and i hit it off on the forum and like all good friends i have on the forum we added each other on MSN.as we got to know each other I unintentionally fell in love with her (im 24 btw).As i revealed my feelings to her..i found out that she had the same feeling for me too.unlike past relationships i had had IRL i felt myself of being in love for the 1st time.i worked in a jewellary store back then...and it was exrememly slow and boring..so i used to spend all of my day thinking about her and what we would talk about at night(i was more or less having a conversation with her in my mind during work).So bottomline i was thinking about her 24/7 from my waking moment,to when i went to sleep..to when i was dreaming of us meeting.

as the months went on..i found out that i couldnt stand being without her.i had made plans to visit her in a few years.but i missed her too much..and it was taking its toll on my health.i had sent her gifts and had asked her to marry me.We both decided that it would be better for the both of us to break it off,and be good friends.(we dont speak to each other at all nowadays except on the forum every now and then)

the problem was that since work was so extremely boring...i couldnt do anything else but think of her.which i believe led me to have a depression.there were times of which i didnt want her to be on my mind all the time bcz i wanted to move on with my life.there were times when i would scream inside my head..and i genuinely felt that i was going crazy.i realized that the 11 hours a day job i was working wasnt going to help me get over her so i left it(i needed to keep mysel;f busy to get over her).i just couldnt stand doing the same thing over and over again...going at 8:30 in the morning..sitting on my *** til 7:30 and having nothing to do all day long(yes,i know this sounds like heaven to some of you =p).i couldnt get her off of my mind no matter what i did.i watched tv,played games,went out with friends,tried to read books..but it didnt help.i couldnt shake it off.

as i went through the painful depression,i eventually stopped thinking about her and beat the depression.but instead it was replaced with this "continuous sense of self".it feels as if im watching myself do things..as if im not completely in control.(its a bit difficult to explain).it feels as if my thinking isnt automatic.when i laugh with friends..i cant completely get into it..bcz i still realize that im laughing,but i still think about it.when i watch tv..i cant get into it bcz my conscience wont let me.its ruining my life.

i dont have a depresion anymore..and i dont have self-esteem issues as i still have goals and ambitions and i enjoy doing many things with others.

since i cant stop thinking about my situation it leads me to be nervous sometimes as if im waiting for soemthing..but i dont really know what.

there have been a few instances where ive played a game for around 15 minutes..and then done normal activities w/o thinking about my situation.but then i come to myself again.

this is very frustrating to me as i want to move on with my life.ive always been a stable person and i still give out good advice to my friends and others.but im at a loss as to what my condition is.if it was a normal part of my thinking..then i wouldnt be bothered by it so much.i used to watch movies which had alot of gore and death in them w/o any problems b4.but now..those scenes(as well as death) seem to disturb me alot more than they used to.

ive tried approaching this thing from a whole lot of angles,but i just cant seem to shake iti tell myself that its a stupid thing to worry over and think about..but it continues to worry me even if i had been laughing all day long.

i would deeply appreciate it if anyone could help me.i know this isnt a normal part of thinking about daily things..as it upsets me.

thank you all for reading and i look forward to the advice you may give in helping me get through this.

i look at pictures and videos of myself from around a year ago...and i wasnt this way at all.i was full of happiness.i dont want to be like this..as it may lead me back into a depression if i give in to it.

ill be happy to answer any questions you may have.

Hi! and welcome to PC. there are a lot of people here who will listen and support you.

i'm not sure that i can help you but first i would suggest that you take some of the quizzes that we have onsite and see if any of your feelings matchs up to any particular quiz.

do you have a chance to see a therapist and talk this out IRL? if you can do that, please do so. keep me posted. xoxox pat

[Lexicon78]

You sound a lot like I used to be. I was going out with this woman and all I'd do is think of her day and night and never thought of anything else. I loved every waking moment with her, but couldn't stand to have her out of my sight. It sounds like you are have been very obsessive about this woman that you met online.

I'm not sure about the other stuff, though. I love horror movies and no matter how depressed or how well I seem I can still watch the goriest of movies. Maybe you're just changing and you are having trouble adjusting to that. You never know. I used to have lots of friends, go out every weekend, and have lots of fun but now I've changed and sometimes wish I hadn't. I don't have too many friends now, barely go out and don't seem to have fun like I used to. Things are just different.

Hang in there. Things will get better.

[Jacques]

[color=red]yeah i suppose i was obsessed up to a point.the only problem is that there are alot of things which still remind me of her(i wish i could just forget all about her).i think of her up to about a dozen times per day.

as for this "thinking" that im going through..ive always thought of it as what happens to convicts when they are in solitary confinement for months at a time.

theres just this void in my head..it seems as if i cant blank out.for example when i wasnt thinking of her i would think what was happening to me over and over again.then i always used to think i was in a depression.then through positive thinking i forced my way out of the depression.it just felt like there was an emptiness in my mind since i couldnt get my mind onto the things i was busy with.

ive spoken with my parents..and they have said its just a normal part of growing up.when i accepted what they said..i got worse.but ever since i wrote my post here...ive refused to believe that i would be like this till the end of my days..and ive been alot more happy and joyeous.

i think im getting better little by little,and i think the worst is behind me.i just get really frustrated sometimes of having the same awful memories over and over again.

thanks for the support.

[January]

Hi,

Welcome to PC. I am NOT a therapist, so I could be dead wrong on this, but look up depersonalization and see if it hits a chord with you. I depersonalize and it's like you're watching your life from a distance. Check it out. I hope things get better for you very soon.

Cheers!

Jan

[Jacques]

[color=red]i looked up depersonalization and i could say that was a bit what i was feeling like at the beginning.i felt like my thoughts werent really my own and that i was thinking about ALOT of things at the same time..i guess sort of like people which have racey thoughts when they have panic attacks.

for about three months i felt like i was a zombie moving through life.then a few days after i left my job i felt like i had finally awakened and i was reliving alot of experiences for the 1st time although i had done them hundreds of times before.

it never got to the point where i couldnt differemtiate realityu from fantasy though..although i did feel like i was going insane at times.

i just pray that i can one day get rid (hopefully soon =p)of all of these thoughts and feelings and finally get back to living my life without so much worry and anxiety of wondering how im going to get through the day.

my family has been supportive of me during this testing period in my life but i know there will come a time when they will just say "get over it already".the problem is that i cant just get rid of it that easily as its embedded in my psychy i suppose.

this is what a brainwashed person must feel like O_o

[jmo531]

I can understand alot of what you are feeling. I have panic disorder (among other things LOL). I am an extremely anxious person. I mean, I am a freak about it. I get lost in my mind at times. Thoughts racing. I also sometimes feel like I am an outsider looking in and I can watch myself. I can me overly aware of my actions, my thoughts, my breathing, my laughing and my talking. It is quite annoying. I know that it is part of my anxiety though. Perhaps talking to a therapist and discussing this with him/her would be better as I am no therapist. January also had some great advice. Hang in there. Sorry you are going through this.


Huggles,

Jen

[Jacques]

now i know this isnt my conscience or anything else.(im betting thats what a therapist would say it is)

for the past few days ive been able to talk with people and not be "aware" of it.i mean..i thought i was finally getting better.but ive been feeling really really bad today although ive spent most of the day doing stuff.

when the hell is this nightmare going to end?