[Geoffroy]

Hi everybody,

I just joined the forum and so far it looks great so I thought I'd make my first post. I've come here because I'm EXTREMELY desperate.

Over the past few years, I have mentally spiraled downhill. In April of 2004, I was accepted to one of the most prestigious universities in the country and was on top of the world. I graduated fifth in my high school class with almost a perfect GPA and by the summer of 2004, I was on top of the world.

That's when everything went bad. I should explain first that I come from an extremely clingy and tight-knit family. I had never been away from my family even once and would describe myself as a major social phobic. When I was a child, I would hide under the bed when people would come over and I used to panic whenever people would try to have any sort of conversation with me.

Getting back to the college situation, the date was getting closer as to when I was going to be moving into a dorm and the terror set in. I lived my life in fear. I was so scared of being away from my family (more specifically my mother to whom I am unhealthily close) and the thought of having to socialize with people in my dorm on a daily basis was killing me inside. It was getting to the point where I was crying hysterically everyday, counting down the days until I had to leave.

Well the day came and my parents took me down and of course, I had a fit. The panic set in at levels I had never before experienced and I couldn't stop crying. I was so ashamed of my behavior, seeing as I was 19 years old at the time and intellectually, I knew I shouldn't be acting that way.

To condense things, I asked my parents to take me home that day and they really had to, seeing as I was freaking out. The college kindly put me on medical leave and I remain on medical leave to this day.

A few weeks after leaving the university, I went to my family doctor and he prescribed Celexa for me. Let me just say, it didn't work. The side effects were hellish and I didn't even want to go to sleep anymore.

After two months of that, I tapered off the medication and haven't been in treatment since. My doctor had always wanted me to see a psychologist but I was so scared of actually talking to someone that I again would throw a fit at even the mere mention of seeing one.

Over the past year, I feel like I have spiraled down in such a major way. My social anxiety is getting worse as is my separation anxiety from my mother. Other major problems have arisen for me, as well. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like now, I'm afraid of everything. Sometimes I lay in bed at night scared to death of absolutely nothing. I actually have delusions that someone might be there in the room with me. I spend about an hour every night in the dark waiting for someone to grab me or something. Intellectually, I know that what I'm feeling is irrational but I can't seem to get past this. I'm becoming afraid of everything now. I obsess about terrorism, nuclear weapons, the end of the world, etc, etc, etc. It's absolutely ridiculous what I go through. The terror I experience on a daily basis is incomprehensible.

I guess the reason I'm posting is to ask if anybody has any ideas about what I might have that is causing these ridiculous fears. I feel like my original fears (separation anxiety and social anxiety) have eaten away at my mind and driven me to be absolutely crazy. I don't know if I'm schizophrenic, manic, etc, etc.

Does anybody have ANY idea what might be wrong with me??? I'd appreciate any help I could get.

1. nothing is WRONG with you. 2. you can get excellent help and live your life as you wish to live it.

first of all, get a therapist. ASAP......and i mean that! i know i'm being bossy, but you need someone, objective, to talk to. your fears aren't your fault. you sound extremely depressed to me. and there are many, many other meds that can be tried and can change your life. please, please make an appointment on Monday to see someone.

talk to your parents about this and if you're up to it, print your post out and let them read it. i'm certain that they will be more than happy to help you get this situation turned around.

all is NOT lost. look at what you've already achieved. great grades, acceptance into a prestigious university and the courage to at least go there opening day.

i didn't live in a dorm when i was in college. i lived in a small apartment with a cousin. i knew that i couldn't handle dorm life. heck, i still couldn't handle dorm life. i'd be slapping people and hiding in my closet. not everyone is cut out for that big social scene. discuss that with your parents also. your school may have "dorm" rules, but if they don't...perhaps living off campus would help.

i interacted very little my first year in school. my last year i was voted friendlest girl on campus. the point is that you can make adjustments and do what you want to do...further your education and get a good life for yourself.

please feel free to PM me if you need to. i work today and tonight and i am off all day tomorrow. (mentally off AND off work) xoxoxo pat

[January]

Hi,

Welcome to PC. You'll find many wonderful, caring members here.

You must go to a Psychiatrist and/or a Psychologist asap. Those people can help you overcome these problems and you will have your life back so you can go back to the University and have a successful life.

Don't try to put a name on your problem until you talk to a pdoc and/or t. There are wonderful medications out there that relieve the panic and depression and talk therapy can help you rewire your thinking so that your life is full and happy.

Cheers,

January

[ozzie]

Hi Geoffrey and welcome to the forums. I hope you will decide to get professional help and answers but please keep posting here and let us know how you're doing. It can help to talk about your problems in a safe place.

My son decided he was going away to college and only stayed one semester.....he hated being away from home and away from his girl friend. He went to the local university after that semester and did great. Sometimes we try to force ourselves to do things that we just aren't ready for. We're all different and that's good.

[Geoffroy]

Yeah, I am definitely making an appointment on Monday. I live in suburban Boston which is great since Boston has one of the top anxiety clinics in the country. I'm definitely giving them a call on Monday but I am sooo terrified of having to do this. God, just the idea of having to say all this on the phone is terrifying. But I will do it.

My goal is to get off medical leave and return to college this fall. I just hope that they'll take me back since I haven't been able to get treatment for the past year. My family hasn't had medical insurance since November of 2004 and I haven't been able to pay the high costs of a psychologist/psychiatrist. I just hope they're very understanding of my situation and allow me to come back. I certainly don't want to lose the amazing opportunity to go here.

fayerody, unfortunately my college is very strict about first-year students living on campus but the possibility exists that I would be able to get a single all to myself so that would alleviate a little bit of anxiety.

[Genevieve]

First of all, don't worry about naming the problem -- the "diagnosis" really only counts if it leads to effective treatment, and you can get effective treatment without a diagnosis, so put your energy into something more helpful to you.

Like what to do about it?

Here's the thing: you say that you have a fit at the mention of a psychologist, and won't see one. Yet you want to get over this and improve your life. Well, the way to do that probably isn't staying in your parents' house and hiding from the challenges of life and of college, right? So you need to choose what you will do to make that improvement.

You can do the self-help route, but that allows you to stay in your house and work alone, whch really doesn't help you much. (Reminds me of a Law & Order episode, where a fellow with agoraphobia is found living in a hotel room. Seems he "was cured" of his agoraphobia by his psychiatrist, went on a little "vacation" to the hotel -- and then couldn't leave again. So, he lived in a hotel room across the street from his apartment, afraid to leave, but insisting that he was cured, as proven by the fact that he was outside his home.)

Truly, while there are some medications which can help you with the symptoms of what you're experiencing, the best thing for you is psychotherapy. There are many different models, and CBT might be helpful for you -- it concentrates on "cognitive distortions" and on behaviors, and tends to be short term and goal oriented. It's helpful for many people. Not everyone, though, and if I were going to advise you, I'd say find a psychodynamic therapist who can deal with family of origin issues, and maybe family therapy, as well as individual.

I know that it's frightening to think of doing this, but think about your choices:

1. Continue living this way, being miserable, unable to go on wiht your life, and feeling ashamed of it all.

2. Overcoming that initial fear of a therapist, and going through the difficulties of adjusting to therapy, with the end goal of being able to live your life.

Really, it's not een two choices, it's ONE choice: "do I make the effort to get past this now, at 20, and go on to school, or do I wait until I'm 40 to do it, losing 20 years in the process?"

Good luck to you, and remember -- this place has great resources for finding a good therapist in your area.

[Geoffroy]

Thank you for the advice, Genevieve. I'm definitely not going the route of self-help. That just doesn't work. I've done my research on this over the years and I know that the only way to get over my problem is through talk therapy. I am not able to afford a psychologisy and don't have medical insurance so what I'm going to do is go to this anxiety clinic in Boston that has sliding scale options. They basically say they won't turn you away even if you're in the worst financial circumstances, which is good. I'm afraid to make the call but I know that I'll feel so much better when it's over. It will be done on Monday.

They only do CBT at this clinic, which is the one I happen to believe in the most for anxiety anyway. I would like to do family therapy, as well, but we just can't afford it at this time, unfortunately.

[bipolar_bear]

I am glad to hear that you are going to take action Monday and contact the anxiety clinic. I think you will find it is one of the most important thing you have done for yourself.

I am sorry that your financial situation won't allow family therapy at least addressing your immediate issues is a huge step.

Good luck on Monday and let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

[January]

((((((((((( Geoffrey ))))))))))))))

I know what's it's like to be too afraid to talk to someone. Once upon a time I was that way. Do this. Write down what you need to say. Just write the main points and either number them, or highlight them. That way when you get nervous you can look at your notes. Also, get a cold damp washcloth and hold it. You can press it to your face and neck or just hold it in your hand. I know it sounds silly but you will be amazed at how much it helps. It's lets your mind concentrate of the tactile sensation instead of the panic. A cold towel in my hand has enabled me to stay in my seat during many business meetings when I felt I was going to completely lose it.

We're all here for you. Keep on talking to us.

Cheers,

Jan

[Geoffroy]

Well I called the BU Anxiety Center yesterday and got a call back this morning and unfortunately they can't get me in until April 27, which is unfortunate. But at least I have an initial consulation scheduled.