[Spirit0662]

A few hours ago I had to admit my 14 year-old daughter to our local psychiatric hospital for the 2nd time. Last fall she was assaulted by our next door neighbor and became suicidal and started cutting.

We've always been fairly close, and still are as far as I know, but in this one area she struggles with opening up to me. She can talk about it as a surface topic, but can't seem to go deeper. She was finally able to get back in to therapy a couple months ago, but has only seen her therapist 2 or 3 times - none of which they spent any time discussing the assault.

I'm lost. I feel like I'm failing her. Yet, I am numb. I cried uncontrollably the first time and this time I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if she gets her 'stuffing feelings' from me. I seem to do it too.

When I called her dad's parents this morning, I couldn't help but wonder if they were accusing me of being a bad mother. She has always been jealous of the relationship my daughter and I have and even went so far as to tell me I would never make it without the help of them and their son. I've proved them wrong. Yet, here I sit, with their suicidal granddaughter in a mental institute for cutting. How is that good parenting?

Have I somehow managed to pass on my own childhood issues to her? mental issues run deep on my side of the family. I struggle with PTSD, BPD, Depression, etc..

I'm scared - hurt - angry - disappointed - and a host of other feelings I can't quite find a name for.

[whenwillitend]

I'm so sorry. You are definitely not a bad mother, or you would not have taken the steps to keep her safe. A bad mother doesn't care.

I can really relate though.

I'm sorry, I'm not very helpful today.

[Miss Laura]

By far you are not a bad mother. You took the neccesary steps to help your Daughter. I would think they would be pleased someone was helping their Grand-Daughter rather than making you feel like the baddie.

I am sure your Daughter still feels close to you and can share things. Maybe she feels she can't share this with you as you might be disappointed in her etc. I know I feel like that when I do things that question my mental stability. I chose not to tell my Mum pretty much everything as I feel like I would disappoint her.

I hope you are doing ok despite this little step back. Your Daughter is in the right place

[Spirit0662]

Thank you both for you kind words of support. As I was gathering up her clothes and books to take to the hospital, I saw her diary and read it. Apparently she's been thinking about this for a couple of months - even before school let out.

She is so afraid of disappointing me and wants so desperatly to be strong for everyone else, but she is also suffering deeply inside. And blaming herself for all that has happened, including me losing my job. Which is partly my fault as she's heard me say on more than one occasion that because of what happened I lost it and couldn't keep it together and I felt sure that had a lot to do with losing my job. I thought I had explained it to her though - that it wasn't HER fault, but HIS and my own coping, or lack of coping, skills. I cannot believe she has been struggling with this for so long. I had no clue.

[Miss Laura]

Awwww Spirit,

I am so sorry this has came out.... maybe not the wisest thing reading her diary but I get why you read it. Your Daughter must be aching inside. This must hurt you as a Parent. I do not have children so I can only guess what my Mum would be like if this happened to me.

All you can really do for now as love your Daughter the way you have always loved her. Let her know you love her and that everything will be fine.

I am sorry for what has happened!

xx

[BlueInanna]

Hi Spirit, You are a good mother and this is not your fault.

I think talking to in-laws might not be good for you right now, unless you tell the woman you won't stand for any judgment from them.

My daughter had a sui attempt at age 14 and was cutting, that was 4 years ago. I'll never forget the doctor telling me I don't have to try to talk to her about it, just be there for her, and to play. Play boardgames or try to do fun things. And I had to work on myself and my guilt and anger and depression. Like the others said, she is in the right place, you did the right thing. She will have group therapies and healing activities. You must think positive, this is so much easier said than done, but you must think positive that she is getting help and will get better.

Try to make sure she gets to the therapist weekly (when she comes home), and a therapist for yourself as well if you can. My daughter's pdoc knows about the cutting and doesn't always admit her to the hospital for it. My daughter has been hospitalized twice, and my 16 yr old son has bipolar, also a cutter, and has been hospitalized at least 5 or 6 times, geez i'm losing count.

And maybe she will develop a mental illness, but it's not your fault. We are all just trying to live our lives and find happiness. This mental illness stuff just happens, and other things happen to people too that aren't fair, far too often. Try to be resilient and don't lose hope. Hang in there Mama, and keep posting.

[Odee]

I don't think you should blame yourself for 'passing' her a disorder. I do not doubt that genetics has an influence on proclivity for depression and other mental health issues, but it is not your fault. I know that the best scenario would be that no one has a mental illness, but at least your daughter has a family that should understand.

I honestly can't chastise you for reading your daughter's journal, though I do think that no one should The older I get, the more I wish that my parents had known what was going on in me. And besides, this seems to have turned out for the better?

[Spirit0662]

I am so grateful to you all. I have no one else to talk to about this. It's just my daughter and I. My family basically consists of my elderly father who is about 3 hours away. We've only lived in this city since last October, so not much on the friends either. So, thanks for letting me ramble on here about this.

As far as the diary thing, knowing what I know now, I think she wanted me to read it. There were only 4 entries in it, and all since May and all regarding the assault and suicidal thoughts. One of the entries she made was that she wished someone would just ask her - that that would be easier than her asking. I remember the night she started writing in her diary because she came to the living room and out of the blue said "i have a diary now - it's this color and I keep it in my nightstand" At the time I thought it was so i WOULDN'T read it (though she never said that), but after today I think that was her first cry to me and one that I totally missed.

I've finally reached crying mode. And of course I'm second guessing everything I have done all in the name of trying to raise her in the healthiest environment possible. I'm trying really hard not to make this about me, but I hurt.

I had wanted so much for Courtney to have something better than I did.

BlueInanna: you said your daughter was cutting and suicidal at 14, is she still? or was she able to find different coping skills?

I know at moments like this we question if we've somehow caused the pain and turmoil our children are going through. You are wise though; do you realize how wise you are? You know that the man who assaulted you daughter is ultimately responsible for her current pain. You also know that your own tendency to swallow your own feelings may have modeled that behavior for your daughter. Don't worry about the modeling part; that's what parents do and we model through everything we do, both healthy and unhealthy. We'd love to believe they only pick up the good stuff, but in reality we know it doesn't work that way. Don't beat yourself up about that. You are wise. You actually recognize that about the situation. An unwise parent won't even recognize or own that that is part of what has happened. That puts you and your daughter at a distinct advantage. You can work on the feelings and communication over time which should help both of you in the long run. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a wise and intuitive mother. I really, truly mean that.

I've had to hospitalize my oldest son three times (all in one summer -- hell of a summer). My middle son has ADHD and has landed himself in some precarious spots due to his impulsivity. It is painful and frightening to watch your kids struggling. We want to fix it. We want to protect them. I've learned that all I really have control of is myself, and that is very scary; I'd really like to have control over those little individuals that came out of my womb. But they start growing up and in the process of finding their way into whatever it means to be older and wiser, they take missteps despite our every effort to guide them along the right path, they get hurt despite our every effort to protect them, and they learn things that we probably wish they never would have learned.

Your daughter is in a safe place right now. She is getting care for her emotional problems. You are wise and will be sure she continues to receive the help she needs along the way. Remember in all of this to continue to take care of yourself because in the long run that will be the biggest help for your daughter. It is okay to be scared and hurt during this; this is really difficult stuff. If you have a therapist, be sure they know what is going on. They have be a huge support through this and can help navigate the way through this parenting maze.

[Spirit0662]

Farmergirl - thank you. You are right in so many ways. Because my daughter seems so well adjusted, loving, smart, outgoing, on the outside, I hoped she felt that way on the inside. So much I see now that she was picking up from me. I know I put on a face for the world to see when I sometimes feel like I'm dying inside. But I have always been truthful with her in the hopes she wouldn't make the same mistakes. I guess I've proven the statement that kids learn what they LIVE. I would do anything to keep her from hurting like this. i was prepared for some of her stumbles through life - you know, the heart breaking break-ups with boyfriends, ending up in a bad job once or twice, etc - and i knew there were going to be many, many times I needed to be there for support and let her find her way through these things - but never once did i even consider this avenue we are on now and how to prepare for it. She is too young and too innocent to be dealing with such issues.

I completely hear you. It is so painful to watch. All we can do is be there by them as they go through it. Hang in there.

[Mini1]

spirit0662,
You care of your daughter show in the steps you've taken to get her help. Please take some time while she's in hospital to care for yourself instead of spending so much time second guessing yourself. It sounds like you've been working on yourself and you can care for both of you by caring for yourself. It sounds like you're aware of your needs and you are open to finding ways you can support her. Please find someone you can talk with as you address all your own thoughts, feelings and concerns. Mini1

[Spirit0662]

update...
I was able to get in to see my therapist today which helped a lot. Also met with my daughter and her doctor regarding a treatment plan. She is still in so much denial and is struggling with taking care of herself and trying to keep from 'burdening' me. One of the things that came out today was how I need to let her know how well my therapy is going and that is how I get my support which enables me to support her! I'm thinking that if she knows I'm getting better it will be easier for her to come to me when she is feeling down. Funny thing is I totally understand where she is coming from. There have been many times I've wanted to talk to a friend but didn't because I felt like the issues going on in their lives were more important and i didn't want to drag them down. i just never thought of a 14 year-old having those same issues.

I go back to see her and her md on Wednesday and back to see my own on Thursday.

Again, thank you all for being here.