realizing it's emotional abuse

Hi everyone - My story is probably unique. Ten years ago, I had an indiscretion - infidelity - . Although my husband says he forgives me and we've gone through marriage counseling, he keeps mentioning the guy and wants to visit and sleep with him. He keeps telling me to come on to the guy so that when I go to see him, he'll have an idea of what's in store. The guy is a good person and could be a friend of mine, but it's hard for me to reconcile visiting him and sleeping with him with my moral code, even if my husband sanctions it. My husband takes every opportunity to make sexual jokes about the guy and what will go on between the two of us. I'm going to movies with him on Thursday because I have no choice. My husband pouts and makes life difficult for me if I refuse. I feel like an emotional prisoner. My mother abused me as a child- until the teen years - and I think I have unwittingly continued the pattern. Any thoughts? I have three children - and really don't want to break up the family. HELP

Welcome to PC! Since you and your husband had marriage counselling in the past, that might be one option. IMO, Your husband is using the past somewhat like putting the weapon(emotional abuse)into the old emotional wound.
Perhaps other PC members may offer other ideas to help you.
Take care.

Thanks very much for your comments.

Hello, violinm9. Your husband apparently has been unable to forgive you. Feeling like an emotional prisoner is no way to live. It is understandable you do not want to break up the family. I expect, however, the children must feel some of the stress in the relationship.

Have you considered seeking professional help for yourself? You might benefit from exploring how your childhood has a bearing on why you are allowing your husband to abuse you. If he is unwilling to change, perhaps it is time to move on? A professional should be able to help you become more assertive or help you (and your children) to get out of jail.

My mother started sexually abusing my brother when he was thirteen and it lasted until he moved out at eighteen. My brother went on to become a pedaphile. Being molested by ones' mom is very disturbing. Being molested by anyone is horrible enough, but abuse from ones' mother is especially unnatural and is not only horrible but physically unnatural.
Boundaries become distorted with prolonged abuse. You have become used to boundaries being crossed. You are still a victim. Get away from him. A person like this is not going to change. You are of no value to him. You know this is wrong. Do you want your children to experience this kind of life? Which is worse? Divorce or continuing this life. What your husband is doing is perverse? What would you say to someone who was going through this? I normally wouldn't recommend divorce as the only option, but there is no changing this type of person. The only person you can change is you. Do you want to live your life like this? This won't stop. Your husband will not stop with this. Please get your children away from him. I would leave NOW!

ok - these are my thoughts now. I know that he'll never let me get the guy out of my life. I am compelled to see him and go to the movies or out to lunch with him. He is a friendly sort and interesting. I enjoy our visits on a friendly level. The only shred of control I have is that I don't have to sleep with him. As long as I am able to extract that truth from the situation, I believe that I can exist like this. My husband has other attributes and has been good to me during our 32 years of marriage. He's a good father and husband. These factors keep me in the marriage. I just keep considering the positive things and that keeps me going. No mariage is ectsatic 100% of the time. I am in counseling and I have an appointment today. I am going to run this thinking by him today. Thank you all again for your input.

Hi,

I am in contact with exes after being married as well, but nothing physical. I'm glad you're in therapy too btw. IMO you should not have contact with this guy you had an affair with because it's just salt in the wound. He will always be remembered as that affair guy so why have him in your life. You can kindly explain to your friend it is causing you marital discoure. If I put myself into your husband's shoes I would wonder - does he get to eat his cake and keep it too?

I don't mean to be rude, but I would hate to think of a long marriage with 3 kids ending! Welcome to PC, and I hope you find suppport here.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

good luck with our appointment today. Just thinking about you.

Tell him he's being a freak and creeping you out and that he needs to cut it the hell out. Don't go along with it at all. See your friend if you want to. Don't see him if you don't feel like it. After you've put your foot down, if your husband makes a comment then immediately turn on your heel and walk away so you don't have to be exposed to it anymore. Give him no response whatsoever.

There's an element of control to all this. Take it back. We are only as weak and helpless as we let ourselves be.

He is not a good husband. His demands that you see and sleep with someone else against your wishes are not those of a good father either; do you have daughters? Do you want them to learn this behavior, come to know this is what "men" are like?

I would not see the other man, even socially, much less sleep with him. You need to set clear boundaries for yourself instead of "settlling" for what these immature, selfish men want for themselves and you and hurting as a result. Get help for yourself and someone to help your husband grow up and become a good husband and father before it is too late.