[Ineptitude]

I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my plight, but I have so many different diagnoses that it seems appropriate. Sorry for the length in advance!

I am a 26 year old female living in the US. I've had anxiety and depression related issues since I can remember. My childhood was a pretty typical "bad" situation; emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. My family has long since disowned me, I have no friends, but I do, however, have a wonderful and caring spouse that provides me support and companionship.

Officially I have been diagnosed with: Agoraphobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, BDD, GAD, MDD, OCD, panic disorder, PTSD, and SAD (I think that is all of them, hard to keep track anymore) In addition to this I am rapidly developing an eating disorder. I have lost 25lbs in 5 weeks, and am becoming more and more averse to food each day. (I promise I am not a hypochondriac, this is what multiple psychiatrists have told me.)

I have tried DOZENS of medications; SSRI's, SNRI's, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, and other medications that are not typically prescribed for mental health issues, but were prescribed in an attempt to aid me. The only medication that has had an impact, while minimal, was Klonopin. All of these medications were taken as prescribed, given at least 8 weeks to take effect, and most had the dosages increased to the maximum daily recommended dosage over time. I no longer take any medication.

Therapy was an exercise in futility for me, having tried five different therapists and never being able to trust a single one. To be quite frank, I had a therapist start crying during a session with me, which has only fed my aversion.

At this point I lack insurance, so medication and therapy are not an option for me. I have called my local mental health "clinic" (which is endorsed by my county's mental health board, and the only option in my area for mental health care for the uninsured) on three separate occasions and never received any response back.

I have pretty much thrown in the towel as far as medical care, but have tried to implement a paradigm change, as well as doing self CBT. My results have been less than miraculous. I have been reaching out socially lately, but it seems that I am far too off base with the rest of society to form any meaningful connections, which has been the case all of my life. As much as I love my spouse, he alone is not enough human contact for me, nor is it fair to solely rely on him.

I know that I am not a terrible person; I am a kind, caring, honest, forthright, compassionate, intelligent, good-willed, open-minded person. I have been through far too much in my life to make snap judgments about others, but it does not seem that anyone else is willing to offer me the same courtesy.

At the core of things I am a humanist, so I have decided to disconnect myself with the atrocities of the world. I do not own a television, I have no interest in popular culture, and lately I have not been engaging myself in news or politics because I feel those things feed my discontent. I am being conscious and trying very hard to replace my negativity with positivity. I have been partaking in regular exercise. I have been indulging myself in things such as reading and learning that I was not able to enjoy for quite a long time. Traditional employment has been inadequate for me, so I am currently pooling the resources I have to start another business. I also devote a lot of time researching and planning my new business venture. In the past I have lost sight of my appearance and cleaning, but have since corrected those negative behaviors. I am in a very tight financial situation, so I have been seeking free activities, but those are few and far between.

I am a firm believer in the self fulfilling prophecy, and I am trying to do everything in my power to overcome my situation, but thus far all of my efforts have been fruitless. I guess what I am seeking here is some sage advice, any insights or suggestions are welcome. (with the exception of religion, as I am a content atheist and this will never change, no offense to any believers) I am no longer sure where to turn, and I do not have a support network by any means.

TL;DR I am crazy and weird, medication and therapy are not effective at all for me, and even a marked shift in my attitude and behavior is not producing any results. Help!

[IowaFarmGal]

Hi Ineptitude! Welcome to Psych Central! It's wonderful you are taking care of yourself and taking action to make things better for yourself. I wouldn't call that fruitless. It's just maybe taking longer than you had hoped? I think as humans the negative experiences take a lot of overcoming. Keep seeking the postives, because it takes a lot to tip the scale. I wish you well here and I hope you find it helpful.

[Rose76]

Hi Ineptitude. As I just typed that greeting, I felt bad addressing you in that way. Maybe, at some time in the future, you could think about renaming yourself. It doesn't have to be falsely cheerful. I understand you want a screen name that reflects your feelings. How about: FeelingInept. I don't mean you should pick that. Just think about the difference between what those two phrases say.

It sounds to me like you really are trying, and I do think you are way too much on your own in dealing with this. Doctors can be worse than unhelpful, sometimes, in the way they talk to us. I find peer support to be very valuable. I used to get psych care at a place that provided quite a lot of that. Then they lost funding for peer services. There should be a lot more of that, in my opinion. I got more out of going to peer drop in places than I ever got out of therapy.

I wonder why your local mental health clinic won't help you. Well, actually, I know that can happen a lot. If they have an inpatient facility, it might be necessary for you to go in-patient to get any useful referral to any other service. Maybe you have to call them, or go over there every day, until they take you seriously.

Losing 25 pounds in 5 weeks is extremely serious. That alone should be reason enough for your primary care doctor to get you referred to something. Since you do not have insurance, you would have to pay a doctor to see you for that. That would be a reasonable expense to get the ball rolling IMO. Actually, if you walked in to any emergency room and said you lost 25 pounds in 5 weeks, they would take you seriously. (I say that because I am a nurse. It is standard to consider any weight change greater than 5 pounds in one month as something to investigate.)

You may well be correct in saying that therapy and medication aren't going to be helpful. But then the mental health clinic, or the emergency room, are going to ask you, "What kind of help do you think you need?" That's kind of wrong, in my opinion. We are not always the best judges of what we need.

Here's a paradigm change, if you'ld like a suggestion on that. It's one I'm working on for myself. I think, for some of us, we just didn't get socialized normally, when we were children. I've come to the conclusion, for me anyway, that the failure to get normally socialized is not a medical problem. It's not necessarily anything wrong with the wiring, or neurochemical transmitters, in the brain. That's why going to doctors often doesn't improve things IMO. That's why getting to be around peer consumers can be more helpful IMO.

I think a lot of us need what we never got at home. Where do you go for that? That's the 64 thousand dollar question. I don't know if I've been helpful. I'm trying to think this stuff through myself. Trying to hold down jobs was about the most meaningful "therapy" that I ever had. It tended to result in me learning a lot of things the hard way. That wasn't very pleasant.

[shezbut]

I am sorry that you are suffering with so much on your plate. It is great that you do have some support IRL, but it's hard to put so much stress on one person's plate. I can imagine that you wouldn't want to scare your hub away by having to listen to your fears & concerns day after day. Holding those valid emotions and experiences inside isn't healthy either though. You really do need some medical and emotional support now!

Like Rose 76 and yourself, I've also faced a lot of issues during my childhood that were rather traumatic. I stuffed those problems down as deep as I could, but as I became a teenager my self-control became out of whack for awhile. As soon as I regained some stability in my young adult life, my issues came back with a vengeance & I've been suffering ever since then.

I have seen a whole heck of a lot of T's and pDoc's. Some were nice and supportive, others were fresh out of school or something. I am now legally disabled, and all of my doctors are provided by government assistance. Thank goodness! I have learned a few things in my many years working on mental issues.

1.) You can go to the ER ~ they have to provide you with help. Not just in the moment help either, but they assist with setting up long-term emotional support so you aren't in the same state of mind just a couple of days later.

2.) Social workers can be terrific resource at finding local possibilities for you. I highly recommend looking into getting a social worker assigned to your case in the county that you live in ASAP!

3.) Another tip: volunteer to help others. There are so many programs that really need volunteers to help, and helping others really helps us get out of our internal misery for a while. I've worked in soup kitchens and assisted the elderly ~ Both were terrific experiences for me. It really did help put me into a better state of mind, even during really dark times.

I hope that you gain the hope and assistance that you're searching for. Very best wishes to you and to Psych Central! btw: I agree with Rose 76 about your name. I hope that you do change it someday to something a little more positive.

Hi. Welcome to PC. It sounds like you are a sane person who knows themselves very well. I also suffer from problems caused by a bad childhood and also from bad jobs and bad people. (I suffer from PTSD, depression, APD and more.) I don't seem to fit in anywhere and empathize with your plight a lot.

You seem to need friends. You can make friends here at PC. Hopefully, that will help you gain confidence and skills for the real world. You seem to have some hobbies and you should use them to try to connect with others who share your interests, e.g, other people interested in starting their own business or who help counsel people who want to start their own business. I also agree that doing volunteer work is a good suggestion as you will meet other caring and giving people. You seem to be on a positive path but its complexity due to your issues makes everything feel difficult. (Or, you believe it to be more difficult than others' lives when it could also be difficult for them because you are not aware of their issues.) Life appears to be a circumstance where it is better to expect problems rather than smooth sailing. With all that is on your emotional plate, it requires that you chart a sound plan towards your goals. You appear to be doing that. I am sorry that it feels so lonely doing so. From what you have told us, you have a lot of successes in cleaning and improving your appearance. You are correct to be concerned about your weight loss. Please consider going to the clinic in person and being persistent about your growing problem with food and weight loss. You might also check to see if there is a 12-step program in your area that could help with this problem. I wish you all the best.

[Ineptitude]

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions! I truly appreciate it!

Sorry that I have not tended to my thread, I went ahead and admitted myself in the hospital on Friday. It certainly wasn't a pleasant experience, but I gained two things; I have an appointment with the local mental health center, and I also gained a lot of insight into the struggle of others. It made me appreciate that I do still maintain my sanity, and that my issues are far less complex and easier to cope with than many mental health issues.

I in no way meant to diminish the issues of others, and I apologize if it seemed as such, I try my best to recognize that no matter how minute or how large the issue at hand it is not necessarily the issue, but how the individual perceives and copes with the issue.

Not to sound whiny, but I also gained a further distaste for medical professionals. The doctor spent a grand total of two minutes with me, a minute the day after I was admitted, and a minute to tell me I was being discharged. It was quite discouraging that he would not allow me to talk during that time, and would not address any of my concerns. I did, however, come across a very caring and compassionate nurse who understood my perspective and offered me a great self help book, which I am now reading. It also further solidified for me that I cannot make connections to people, I spent the entire time alone and reading. When I attempted to talk and play games with the other patients on the ward I was quickly turned away or simply ignored. I will not let that define me, I know I am a decent person who is worthy of human interaction, but it certainly still hurts.

I am going to have to really challenge myself and force myself to attend support groups. Without the veil of anonymity of the internet it will be difficult, but my innate distrust for people isn't protecting me any longer, it only serves to further alienate me.

[Justcoping]

I hope your doing better since you posted your issues here. I believe everyone that responded in a very compassionate way which I love. No one being judgemental here and I appreciate it.

One thing that stands out the most is when everyone said the same one thing. Helping others. When your helping others it takes you outside of yourself and it takes the focus not only off of yourself but your also helping someone else.

I've helped others for 25 years and counting and it's truly a blessing to me. It makes me feel better not only about myself but it makes my own issues seem less controlling in my life. I highly recommend it. It's better than any pill in a bottle. Although I'm not suggesting you not follow doctors advice. Ever little thing can add your usefulness to your own life.

You appear to be very intelligent and are a very good writer and I have a lot of respect for that since I'm a writer. Journalizing is also a great tool.

I wish you the best and hope you can over come the obstacles that you are now faci g.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Ineptitude, welcome to PC. You certainly have a long list of "diagnoses" but from what I have learned, often a person who is struggling with PTSD, can have quite a few dianoses, but in reality, it is really all the symptoms that are presented with PTSD that mimic the symptoms of other disorders.

I am sorry that you didn't find "therapy" helpful, my guess is that you didn't have a therapist that truely "specializes" in treating patients that struggle with PTSD. I had gotten to a point with therapy where I felt like you are discribing, but I have found a therapist that is experienced with treating PTSD and it has made a big difference in how I understand PTSD and am finally working through it and making gains on it.

I did see a psychiatrist for a time and he had a long list of all kinds of medications to try as well. And like you the only thing I found "helpful" was the Klonopin. I no longer take that drug, but once I found the right therapist, and finally learned "why" I am struggling and also began to understand PTSD better, I slowly worked my way off of the Klonopin. Klonopin can present side effects that can either cause someone to "gain weight" or "lose weight" because it is a "sedative" and slows the metabolism which can contribute to the lack of desire to eat, or binge eating. It is also a "depressant" which can add to the already "depression effects" that present with PTSD.

I am not surprised that you didn't connect with the other patients in the hospital.
I am not surprised that the meetings you had with the "psychiatrist" that ran that ward only gave you so little time to talk, that happened to me too. The reason why you didn't really connect with the other patients wasn't really you, or because of your problem. In that atmosphere, what I found was that the other patients were on so many medications and so self absorbed and lost, they didn't really have the were with all to interact with me in a meaningful, productive way, infact, they actually frightened me.

I think you are heading in the right direction inspite of what you didn't get. The truth is that a therapist/psychiatrist is not going to heal you, you are going to heal you. What really helps though is having a therapist that actually knows how to help you learn how to do that and be there for you when you get lost and confused. I consider myself very fortunate that I have a therapist who "gets PTSD" and is there for me as I work on "helping myself understand it better and work on learning how to overcome it".

While I understand you might not feel a therapist will help you, I hope you will keep an open mind, because there are good therapists out there that "can" help people who struggle with PTSD. And they will know enough to tell you what I am sharing with you about how PTSD is often very misunderstood and a person can be diagnosed with other disorders, when what they really suffer from is "PTSD".

A good book to read is Judith Hermans "Trama and Recovery". I wonder is that might be the book that nurse told you to read.

Welcome to PC, I hope you get the support you need here, keep working at it, it sounds like you are on the right track.

Open Eyes

[Rose76]

I'm glad you had the courage to admit yourself to the hospital. Your recent post above shows that you try to think things out carefully and you have a lot of insight. Yes, p-doctors don't spend much time with people inpatient (or anywhere else for that matter.) That happened to me a year ago. I thought it was just the place I went to. Sounds like it is a tread. That's too bad. Still, I'm glad you went and tried to get something out of it. The referral may be a start at something helpful. I understand that "distaste" you are speaking of. It seems that in mental health care things may be going backwards in how consumers are treated. Glad you at least found a helpful nurse.

I am very surprised that you were "turned away" and "ignored" by other patients. You seem to be very honest and I believe that is how it felt to you. At the same time, it seems strange that everyone would be that way. Some of it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy on your part. I wasn't there and I don't want to assume I know anything more than you do. I am prone to social phobia and am socially avoidant, myself. I won't join in with others unless I get a lot of encouragement and reassurance that I will be accepted. This can color my perceptions. Perhaps, you have this kind of social anxiety that I know I have. You might want to investigate the nature of this condition and see if it fits you.

You are a decent person, and it is very healthy that you know that about yourself. You can build a lot on that. Try to keep in mind that there are always other decent people just about everywhere you go in life. Give them a chance, even though that is very hard for you to do. You can make connections with other people, but not while you are focusing on reading a book. I know because that is exactly what I've done most of my life, even when I was in programs for recovery. My peers had to practically extend "engraved invitations" for me to join them. When I did, I found they were more caring than I would have expected. Keep reading, but also keep trying to come out of the cocoon. You certainly are worthy of human interaction. It is a very good sign that you think that way. You are caring of others, and that will come across when you come out from behind the veil. It can seem excruciatingly difficult to do, but you will be valued by others when you do. Always, there will be disappointments. That is the price for participating in life. It seems high at times. Believe me . . . I know.

[Ineptitude]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I am very surprised that you were "turned away" and "ignored" by other patients. You seem to be very honest and I believe that is how it felt to you. At the same time, it seems strange that everyone would be that way. Some of it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy on your part. I wasn't there and I don't want to assume I know anything more than you do. I am prone to social phobia and am socially avoidant, myself. I won't join in with others unless I get a lot of encouragement and reassurance that I will be accepted. This can color my perceptions. Perhaps, you have this kind of social anxiety that I know I have. You might want to investigate the nature of this condition and see if it fits you.

This is a very valid point, as I can tend to either be aloof or frigid in public. I actually spent my time there with the more severe psych patients because I was appalled at how they were treated, as though they weren't even human anymore. I'm sure my distaste was expressed on my face, and this is something I am definitely working on.

Again, I'd like to thank everyone for their support and suggestions! I am looking for volunteer opportunities and local animal shelters. I used to spend a lot of time, effort, and money as an individual saving mistreated animals from my community, and while I don't have the monetary capacity to do that any longer, I certainly have the time and compassion to help as many as I can.

[Rose76]

Ineptitude, You do seem to have a lot of insight about yourself. I can imagine that the plight of those severely affected patients probably impacted your mood and made you seem like a not-very-fun person to other patients. Looking at life seriously may just be your calling. There is a need for people like that in this world. I think you would be a blessing to the animals. Also, they would be a blessing to you. It's pretty hard to be aloof or frigid, with a wriggling puppy in your lap. (I do know that animal welfare work is not all about cute puppies. You would confront sad things, but you just might have the right stuff to enable you to take that on. Good Luck.)