[indigo1015]

Oh my goodness, I am a bit freaked out and very upset. Recently, I have been feeling very afraid - not of other people, but of myself. A lot of factors I've chosen to ignore, overlook or brush off as just random weirdness have been hitting home lately. The result is that I am very afraid of the person I am. Whether I am this person by nature, or have become this person over time is hard to say. So, what am I, exactly? I've always had problems with other people; as anyone who has read my most recent thread knows, I hate people and society with a passion. I've had instances of violence and meanness towards other people on my part. I am very brutish in my feelings towards other people, because I know they will be exactly the same towards me, at some point in our relationship. I have always felt misunderstood, cast out, rejected, and unwanted. This has made me a very bitter and angry person. I also am very prone towards people who are said to have an "edge" - usually, I realize, because I feel that they are outcasts as well. This has ended badly for me in many instances, from being beat up by a boyfriend to being bullied by my own friends. I am a very intense person, and I am usually excellent at making good first impressions. But I am not a nice person, at least, I don't think I am. Someone I know, whose opinion I value, has made allegations that I am sociopathic. Not knowing anything about people with this personality disorder, I looked it up - what I found shocked me. Caricatures of guys with evil smiles holding switchblade knives to the throats of animals, pictures of vapid-looking women selfishly clutching their possessions. Those didn't scare me the most, though - what terrified me was that the descriptions sounded a lot like someone I know.... in other words, me. All the online sources I looked at portrayed these people as menaces to society and people to be avoided at all costs. I am very scared - I honestly don't know who to turn to. I don't trust the medical field, and I don't want to see another therapist. But I need some answers - I feel like I am a truly horrible person. Maybe I really am. If that were the case, what would I do then? Resign myself to the fact that I am bad, and do whatever I want and say whatever I want? Or try to fight it? Would I win? And if I win, which is the winning side? I am so confused and freaked out, and I don't know what to do. Unlike the images I saw online, I don't hurt animals, and I don't particularly relish my possessions. But who am I.... really?

[shlump]

Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to. I don't mean spill your guts. I mean let them know you are feeling "off" (frightened) and maybe ask them what they think or how they see you.

It's damn hard. Questioning yourself, your very nature. You are not alone.

Take heart that you haven't hurt anyone.

[roads]

Because of the seriousness of your question, I've gone back & reed through you're earlier posts to get as complete a picture as I can of who you are. Unless you've changed greatly over the course of your time here at PsychCentral I don't see someone who is brutish and possibly a sociopath. You're certainly not a "people person" ... that goes without saying ...

You've been bullied, abused , and you've (I think) perhaps assumed the role of victim. Had you gotten the right kind of help, maybe you wouldn't have ended up feeling like a misfit. I think it's understandable that you don't like society and people in general, having been treated so horribly when you've tried to interact.

But I think it's as a misfit that you're responding, not a sociopath. You're angry, hateful even. I feel the same way in some contexts. I think you could talk to a gook therapist and come to understand these feelings, but maybe not change them a lot with more work. What do you want to do?

[indigo1015]

Hi Roadie,
I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post sooner, I appreciate your insight. I can definitely see why you might think I have assumed the role of victim; what you must also take into account is that, apart from this website, I have no one else to talk to about my problems. Therefore, I sort of spill all my feelings and emotions out here, probably with a bit too much intensity. Actually, though, I really hate feeling like a victim - that's why, during the day, I push all my thoughts and feeling away, because a) I want to feel self-reliant and strong, and b) thinking about my past makes me feel awful. It's probably the fact that I keep everything so bottled up most of the time, that makes my threads sound more like over-emotional outbursts, but I can assure you that most people probably don't see me that way... if they see me at all. Thanks for the advice though, and again, thanks for caring enough to post something, because I was really freaked out over this.

Originally Posted by Roadie

Because of the seriousness of your question, I've gone back & reed through you're earlier posts to get as complete a picture as I can of who you are. Unless you've changed greatly over the course of your time here at PsychCentral I don't see someone who is brutish and possibly a sociopath. You're certainly not a "people person" ... that goes without saying ...

You've been bullied, abused , and you've (I think) perhaps assumed the role of victim. Had you gotten the right kind of help, maybe you wouldn't have ended up feeling like a misfit. I think it's understandable that you don't like society and people in general, having been treated so horribly when you've tried to interact.

But I think it's as a misfit that you're responding, not a sociopath. You're angry, hateful even. I feel the same way in some contexts. I think you could talk to a gook therapist and come to understand these feelings, but maybe not change them a lot with more work. What do you want to do?

[Leed]

Hi Indigo ~ I really have to agree with Roadie. I know how it feels to be the outcast, and I don't particularly like "people" out there either. I have a hard tiime with the general public. I haven't made friends easily in years ~ it's a trust thing for me because I've been betrayed so many times.

But I do think that therapy would be MOST beneficial for you. I've been thru therapy, and have been in and out of it most of my adult life. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. And yes it can be scary, especially when you delve into the deep dark recesses of the past -- the things you DON'T want to talk about. Those things are scary and painful. But they are very necessary to talk about and air out -- they have to come out and really discuss them in order to get rid of them so they can never hurt you again. After you've gone thru them and reduced their importance, they don't have the power they once had. You find that they were just a "mere incidence" that cannot hurt you anymore and they're now buried and done. That's the importance of therapy -- totally going thru every little thing that has tormented you for years -- the baggage you've been carrying around on your shoulders. You cannot keep carrying this stuff or it will knock you to your knees.

So please think about therapy, PLEASE? For you, it's crucial. Life is wonderful - it's a gift. And we need to treat it as such cause we only go around once and it goes awfully fast!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[indigo1015]

Hi Leed,
I just want to say thank you for all your kind thoughts and your empathy - I notice that, with many of my threads, you are there to post a constructive comment or some helpful advice, and I really want you to know how much I appreciate it. I may not appear to notice, but believe me, I do. And thank you again

Once I have found a job and a place to live here in Colorado (yes, I did it! I moved out!), I will consider looking for a therapist out here. Things are moving a bit slowly right now, but even so, I am feeling much better now that I am out here instead of back home.

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi Indigo ~ I really have to agree with Roadie. I know how it feels to be the outcast, and I don't particularly like "people" out there either. I have a hard tiime with the general public. I haven't made friends easily in years ~ it's a trust thing for me because I've been betrayed so many times.

But I do think that therapy would be MOST beneficial for you. I've been thru therapy, and have been in and out of it most of my adult life. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. And yes it can be scary, especially when you delve into the deep dark recesses of the past -- the things you DON'T want to talk about. Those things are scary and painful. But they are very necessary to talk about and air out -- they have to come out and really discuss them in order to get rid of them so they can never hurt you again. After you've gone thru them and reduced their importance, they don't have the power they once had. You find that they were just a "mere incidence" that cannot hurt you anymore and they're now buried and done. That's the importance of therapy -- totally going thru every little thing that has tormented you for years -- the baggage you've been carrying around on your shoulders. You cannot keep carrying this stuff or it will knock you to your knees.

So please think about therapy, PLEASE? For you, it's crucial. Life is wonderful - it's a gift. And we need to treat it as such cause we only go around once and it goes awfully fast!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[avlady]

Hello indigo, i just wanted to let you know i read your post, you seem stressed out-has anything else been bothering you, just the fact that you moved is a huge step, and i agree you need a T they help so much. The pictures and stuff online those bad sites doen't mean you are them, they are just triggering certain thoughts you may have had in your life responding negatively to whatever may have happened to you as a way with dealing with it. I'm happy you got some responses to you post like Roadie who read and reseachered your posts that was very nice to do. You van also make friends here I've only been here for 1 month and have made many friends. Good Luck-avlady

[shezbut]

(((indigo)))

You've already gotten some helpful and supportive responses to your post, but I just wanted to reassure you that you aren't sociopathic.

While you carry a lot of anger, resentment and hurt towards society that doesn't equal this personality disorder. My sister has AvPD, which falls under the same category as the one you're afraid that you may have. A very intense characteristic of the personality that can't be under-stated is the fact that they never question themselves or their behavior. They don't make truly close connections with others. They are terrific at pretending that they're emotionally involved, which captivates and holds onto the person that they want for that time. Before their friend or lover can figure things out, they are gone.

Their lives are nearly constantly spent searching for more. More money, more toys, more apologies, more. While they are unhappy with their position in life, they are absolutely against accepting any responsibility or blame for any wrongdoings they have EVER committed. Cheating, lying, stealing, blaming occur very often ~ with absolutely no guilt or shame felt.

From what I've read in your posts, you simply don't fit into this disorder...which is wonderful for you! Yes, you do carry a lot of dark emotions ~ they really need to be worked through to make your life more satisfying and a lot less painful. But, please don't torture yourself with the ideas that you are an "evil" person. Your friend is wrong. You aren't evil. You just need some professional help and perhaps a group support with others who struggle with similar issues.

Very best wishes to you...

[peaches100]

Hi Indigo,

Just the fact that you are concerned about being a sociopath and it bothers you may be evidence that you are NOT a sociopath. From what I've read, sociopaths don't have feelings of guilt or remorse, and don't feel badly about what they do to others.

It may also interest you that my husband says he hates people as well, that he only pretends to care about others to get something for himself. He says he can read people spectacularly and manipulate them any way he wants to. And while, indeed, he is very skilled at reading people and does have the ability to manipulate, I can see that he does not really hate people. He was badly rejected as a child, and this exterior nonempathetic toughness is masking a very hurt little boy. The only way he can feel safe now is by thinking that he can control others. This way, he does not have to feel scared and vulnerable that others could in some way ever hurt him again, like they did when he was a young boy.

I would encourage you to seek therapy and deal with the underlying issues that are driving your behavior today.

Peaches