having unhealthy / disabled kids

This is probably going to sound crazy but when I have kids one day I want there to be something wrong with them. I just don't want to have healthy kids. I would like to have conjoined twins or kids with dwarfism. Maybe autism or even mental retardation. Maybe cerebral palsy or organ problems.

It probably sounds really sick. I guess I just want my kids to stand out. Or maybe I just want to take care of them and be constantly reassured that they will always need me.

Am I the only one who feels this way? This is probably not normal, right? Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me?

I'm not sure that it's sick as long as you know that you wouldn't do anything to make them disabled. The only two ways I know of to have disabled children are 1) to have a disability yourself that can be inherited and 2) to have children after 40 (if you're the woman). Maybe to eat/drink unhealthy stuff too. But again, I think it would be wrong to try to make them disabled.

I hope you leave the option open to adopt disabled children, if you know that you are capable of caring for them.

In my opinion it's an unhealthy desire, and one that should definitely be explored.

The reasons you stated serve your own needs and not that of your future children.

I have an autistic child. I see how much he struggles to succeed and interact with other children, and it is so hard for him. It's even harder when he has to deal with those that cannot accept him as he is, or don't understand his disability. I would never wish this on any child. Growing up can be hard enough without a disability making it exponentially harder.

So... Yes I think you should definitely look at these feelings much closer.

That being said, I applaud your honesty in expressing them.

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I used to wish there was something wrong with myself when i was a kid, i guess i needed attention, but now i would hate it if anything like happened, as i am schitzophrenic, and don't wish it on anyone.

I think this is about something you want for yourself, not your children, and it would be a good idea to explore what need it would fulfil and why you think you have this need.

no you are not alone in this...

I know a few people who want/ or make their children ill/disabled in some people its called Munchhausen by proxy. they want their kids to be sick/ill/disabled so that they (the parent) can always be the center of attention..

I also know people who have purposely fostered and adopted sick/ill/disabled/different children because they have what it takes financially, physically and mentally to care for this type of children.

there is no guarantee way of ensuring a person will have sick/ill/disabled children....some people that smoke have disabled children some people who smoke do not, some people who drink alcohol during pregnancy have special needs children others that drink while pregnant do not, even people in the same family this child may end up getting the disabled gene and that child may not..

my suggestion its one thing to ....want ....to have sick/ill/disabled or different children but the reality of caring for a special needs child is different...

if you really want to be a parent to a special needs person sign up for programs that deal with these children like ARC, big brother/big sister programs, developmental disabilities group homes, your locations foster care system...

by working with them you will be able to find out whether you have what it takes to not only keep your self together/on track, mentally and physically healthy while at the same time meeting the needs of a special needs child.

if it turns out that this is your "calling" so to speak you can start by adopting some of the many special needs children that are in foster care waiting for homes with parents that are physically, mentally and financially capable of raising them and caring for their special illnesses/disabilities.

How would I go about figuring that out? It's true that I am a bit of an (negative)attention-*****. I learned (from when I'm in the hospital) that the reason why I crave negative attention so much is because I used to be bullied when I was a kid. It's as if I expect to get the negative attention and my subconscious starts to think that there is something wrong with me when I don't get it. I only like negative attention -- never positive attention. In fact, I absolutely cringe in horror whenever someone points out something I did well or even just a matter of bringing something trivial about me (what I'm wearing, for example (giving a complimenting that)) center stage.

I've always preferred negative attention for some reason. Maybe it's because I subconsciously feel that I am entitled to negative attention (eg I deserve to be punished) but I don't deserve the positive attention (eg because I'm not worthwhile)?

Anyway the reason why I started this thread was because my boyfriend & I was discussing our having kids one day and yes he knows that I secretly long to have conjoined twins or kids who are disable in any other way. However I would not want my kids to have depression or bpd because I know how it feels and would not want my kids to go through what I go through. Anyway he was asking me why I would even want that, want our kids to get teased and live an uncomfortable and very hard existence. And I admit he was making sense. Which left me feeling even more confused and with the thought that maybe I am and have always been pretty sick. And again I wonder what is wrong with me. Why I so different from everyone else?

(sorry about the long rant. Once I keep going it's hard for me to stop sometimes)

I can't tell you how to figure it out (just because I don't know!) but this seems like a good start. It seems like maybe negative attention seems more accessible and some part of you thinks it's better or just the only kind you can expect to get, so it's easier to fantasise about, say, having a disabled child than to imagine receiving the kind of attention you really want or need.

Being bullied can make us feel weak, and we can end up feeling like it's not safe to be vulnerable, or to reveal our vulnerabilities. If you have a disabled child, they don't have to be strong, they can be vulnerable, and you can experience something that's maybe been missing. Also, you can experience a kind of caretaking you perhaps haven't had.

I don't think you're sick. But I also don't think you really want what you think you want - I think this is a fantasy that represents some other need, such as the ability to be 'weak' or to be looked after. Does that make sense?

It might help you to pinpoint what it is you fantasise about, e.g. is it them needing you, is it going out with them and being noticed, is it taking them to the doctor, etc. If you can pinpoint what it is you're imagining, you can maybe work out what it is you're really craving.

since recieving positive feedback and positive attention is not your thing then having sick/ill/ disabled children is not your thing...

one of the positive things that comes with having special needs children is that everyone ...teachers, doctors, therapists, you name it everyone who has any interaction with you and the special needs children will be handing out non stop positive praise, positive compliments and positive feed back to you and the children..

treatment and the raising of special needs children doesnt focus on negative feed back, negative attention and other negativities, special needs children need positive feed back , positive compliments and such in order to help them learn, thrive and grow.

take for instance you did have a child who has a physical disability maybe they dont exactly walk or talk like other normal children... their teachers are going to be meeting with you, complimenting you on helping the child to do their speech and physical therapy, at home you will be the role model for teaching this child how to speak. the physical therapist will be complimenting you for doing the hard job of following through with the childs treatments at home. and you will have to give lots of praises, compliments and p-ositive feed back to this child as they reach each mile stone in their abilities to over come their speech and physical disabilities...

no if positive feedback, compliments and such other positives are not something you are comfortable with then raising a special needs child that is sick/ill, disabled is not going to be something that you will be able to do..

but that only my opinion. if you really want to know what it takes look in your phone book under things like developmental disabilities, mental health programs for children, ARC, and big brother big sister programs and give them a call. they are always looking for volunteers. and your local social services office can tell you how to become a foster parent for special needs children.

Yeah I once watched a documentary about that. I was reminded of it last night but could not remember the name of the disorder.

Yeah I have thought about one day adopting/fostering disabled kids... Maybe I just want to because I want to feel needed. Or maybe it's just a mothering instinct?

does that mean I'm naïve? That I like to fantasize about things and want something different, never quite satisfied with what I have?

Mostly I fantasize about taking care of them... giving them meds, helping them to walk, sticking up for them when kids are cruel to them.... maybe I just wanna be the "adult" and looked up to because I was always treated like a kid who didn't really matter, growing up....

I would talk to someone about that, because I feel like it is an unhealthy wish. i feel like the needs you stated are ones that you need to find another way to fill...