Abandonment issues... help

I have been in therapy for a long long time and have accomplished alot... well I think kinda. It is always such a struggle. I am now trying to connect with people and not keep them at a distance. I am o.k. with letting others in for what they have to offer or need but not so good with sharing myself.... bruises and all. This seems to be the focus right now in therapy. I am also in what I call the dumper right now. I am off meds after being on for years. A med transition did not work... now considering another but not yet.

Meanwhile I feel that I am trying to change me but it is sometimes incredibly difficult. I am down to the core issues for me... and this is major. I am afraid that if I do not produce that my T will feel that our work is done.... or all that he can do.

I am feeling a fear of abandonment. Can anyone relate or can anyone help me. The child within me is sad today and worried.

((((((((((((Secret))))))))))))

I have only been working with my T for 6 months but there have been several times when I thought I was finished and was feeling like I was about to be abandoned. Have you shared these feelngs with your therapist? Has your T indicated that he/she can no longer help you? Is this something you have felt before? Usually these feelings are familiar in some way. Do something that makes you feel taken care of. Your inner child is asking for attention, so give it to her. Be good to yourself. Now, what music would you have listened to when you were a kid and feelng blue?

I am now listening to Love Songs with David Sanborn but I think I also have some good kid picker uppers... got some Global lullabies.... that might be soothing. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.

I have an IM friend who wishes to visit from way away... just dropped it on me though I do love her to death. Freaked me.. that is in my inner space. Awck. He does state today as we know my parents have both kept me at a distance for my life. He says I will never let her come visit. I say ... why are we here then... ? He says I do not know. I asked him if he was daring me.. to have her visit.

It is not that I do not wish her to come and bet she will...sigh... overwhelming to me. Funny that...

Him telling me I never will and he knows it ... well could be pushing the ticket. I stress. I am trying. I just have been doing this a long time... and sad as it seems and as difficult as it is to admit... I do not know what I would do if I was dropped.

He is seeing me weekly though for a few weeks which is more often but... what the heck am I thinking? Now I have another whole week to wait.

And my friend ... I am crying...at work... quite abundantly. It is the other side of the coin...

My major goal in life is to not be alone for the rest of my life and these are difficult times ... so this visit from my friend is just representative of how I can handle the future.

No... therapy is not always fun.

SecretGarden

You have come to the right forum if you are looking for others who can relate to your feelings of abandonment! (((hugs))) I know I feel that way in therapy from time to time. Some of it is transference from past abandonments and some of it is "real" (actually due to feelings that T will abandon me). I think we can get a lot of reassurance from our T's if we share those feelings with him or her.

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I am afraid that if I do not produce that my T will feel that our work is done

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I think it could be helpful to share that exact thought with your T. Has he/she ever said that to you? "Unless you solve this problem in the next month, I simply can't help you anymore." Progress is so incremental. Maybe if you list all the ways that therapy is helping you, you can see that you actually are making progress. And maybe go over your list with T if you feel he/she is not seeing it either. Once my T said to me, "you don't have to perform when you come here." I was feeling this huge pressure to share with him a really big thing, and he wanted me to know I didn't have to share if I wasn't ready. I was generating all the pressure, not him. Do you think that in part maybe you are the one generating the pressure and that your T is OK with your current pace?

Take care,
sunny

Thank you.. I think he is trying to jump start me..... and yes it is working. That is the good and the not so good news.

I have to give him credit for that. I am faxing him and asking him to call me at day's end.

I do feel like I need to perform... You are right. I am increasingly judgemental of myself as I have been going so long. I am afraid I am not fixable.....That is what worries me almost as much as the abandonment. I have been pushing to produce I think for a long time... at least in my psyche....which does not always translate to the outside world... if that makes sense.

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I am afraid that if I do not produce that my T will feel that our work is done.... or all that he can do.

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Funny... I feel the opposite. I feel that if I do produce, our work will be done. That he will feel that I am 'better' and that termination should follow. I purposely stir things up at times so that I don't seem too 'well.'

I can definitely relate to your feeling of abandonment. I struggle with it all of the time. It's makes the transference so intense. Attachment/rejection, I hate it.

Keep at those core issues. It sounds like you are producing!

Thank you.... I understand your thoughts... It does go both ways... :-)

Yes... if it does not kill me.... I may just be wonderful. haha

Secret

As you know, I have that abandonment issue as well. I feel as Pink does though, getting completely better = not seeing him as much and eventual graduation as he calls it. I don't consciously conjure up drama, I'm a slow learner...

Do you write in a journal at all? So far since Tues. session I have dug up all sorts of things that I'm realizing. All of it about me and ironically not him.

For example, who is unclear in how they communicate me or him? Me. Maybe he mirrors me so that I can feel what he feels from me.

Who is inconsistent in identifying and fixing my issues me or him? That would be another me I think. I'm the one who is afraid to express myself and I'm possibly looking to blame him instead?

Is it his job or mine to take charge of my progress? Now having said all this, my distorted thinking still thinks I am right about some of how I feel.

He once told me that I am a polltaker and need to get many opinions on very personal matters. None of the people I poll can hear my version and his for clarity so this fosters more insecurities and doubt. Some people validate what I think and some like you all here will challenge me with questions. It makes me re-think. So....

If he is pushing you, my guess is it is for your benefit and not his relief. You've been with him a long time. We need to remember that their goal is to see us get better and go out in the world and have more fulfilling relationships. These are exact words from my T.

The thought of that terrifies me. I still need him but do I really? Do you really?

I think that I need him now but that if this works ...I may not (though of course I FEEL like I need him FOREVER) need him much longer.... WHat a struggle. I am worse....I am better.... if I am better... I lose him.

What I am experiencing with him is also just a recreation of many things from my childhood. I frequently thought the family would move and leave town while I was in school... or when away and finding a bathroom...it always had to have a window...in case I got locked in and they would be leaving me. Good God.

Years ago I called him at home 2x in a weekend and he sent me away... to see someone that led a group I was in (for 8 weeks I think.) Last week he complains that I am not connecting to his story about something he wishes to talk about. It was a test. I did not know it.

What is the right distance? I do not know. ...with him or with others. Who do I let in and how much. After all of these years I have certainly let HIM in...

He damn well should be vested in me... and I know I can be frustrating and I think he is vested... but.....

I have not journaled in a bit... might be a good thing at this time. I have a xerox box of journals in the basement that I have told family to burn before reading if I die...from the earlier most angry years.

Yes he is pushing me and it is for my benefit. He can not let me off the hook by telling me he will always be there. I did tell him on the phone briefly a week or so ago that I did not want him to stop seeing me...stated with tears. That did not come up again but needs to.

I need to just get a "yup" from him... I shall not fall apart as I wish to....I just want a "yup---I will be there for you and no I do not have plans to drop you soon." Simple.

I know it is my job to do... and I try to take it on. His confrontation is good for me. On some level I know that....I really do. It just is painful .... to forage through it all.

I do appreciate the Hell out of this site (and this particular area) as though I do feel like a whiner today I am also willing and welcoming your thoughts and perspectives and gentle pushes to question me. It helps.

Thanks.

((((((((((( SecretGarden )))))))))))))))))



You know I understand the abandonment stuff and how it feels like the floor has disappeared and someone please tell me how do you hang ON???!!

I don't know what your T is up to with his statement that you "never will" let her come visit. I really just don't understand him making that comment. You went to him and expressed concern about letting your friend in... and having her visit. Did he focus on the caring and positive aspects of your friendship? Did he challenge you to picture her visit as warm, fun, comfortable? Did he talk about how to help you make this wonderful opportunity happen and in a way that you could feel good about?

No, he say's you'll never let it happen.

Let's HIM off the hook doesn't it?

I would have been feeling extreme abandonment right at that point!!

grrrr at him. (sorry)

I really think he handled this badly unless there is some kind of therapeutic maneuver behind it all.

Either way, I hope you'll tell him every thing you said here. I think you deserve reassurance from him. Please keep talking about it with him until you are satisfied and at ease. It seems like this is eroding some of your trust with him and that's not going to be helpful.

You aren't a whiner! Discussing when you're depressed and hurting and being open and honest is hard! Not whining!!

I really admire you for your honesty and the way you think things through.



ECHOES

Thanks for your support Echoes...

You are so kind and I appreciate you always... know that.

I faxed him. He did not respond. I suppose I am in trouble. I think it is something that perhaps he is not able to do... call me for support but I need to accept it. I think that he is protective of his boundaries. I hope I have not blown it.

I did go swimming tonight and that helped.....at least for the moment. I really really do hate this. It is like a chess game. I think he is doing this for a reason but I also it speaks to personal limitations... perhaps on both of our part. lol.

I suppose I am finding the floor and it is lonely here...

No he actually focused on the idea that I not have to worry about her or I having a good time. Just do it. Whatever is a step forward. But this person would be coming from the opposite end of the continent.

No.. I just need to let it happen.

Sigh....

Thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry Secret. One thing I know for sure, I won't abandon you or anyone here. This industry is so restricted with their boundaries, ethics and fear that they have forgotten how to really be there for someone.

You need a virtual hug so

Thank you. I really appreciate the hug.... It gives me strength and acceptance.

One thing I always forgot was that if I was in fact better then I wouldn't feel I needed my T. I think I tried to hold on to one side or the other to hedge my bets but then it doesn't make sense. Needing one's T now, one isn't better. But being better isn't like we imagine it now, but just our "imagined" what it will be like.

I got "better" :-) and when it came time to terminate, I was able to do so. It only took a year and a half (to terminate; 9 years to get "better" :-)

Thank you Perna. Your sentiments speak to me. I do think it is a process and I hope I will be able to peacefully release when the time is time. My fear....that I ask for help with....is that the rug not be pulled out from underneath me.

I think that a year and a half is reasonable really tying up loose ends and releasing and moving on.

But was that your decision, your T's decision or both of your decision....and how (do you mind my asking) did that play out.

Sometimes when this incredible need develops (and it is seldom there) to connect like this...I forget the progress and feel that I will never get better..... Alas... the logical self hopes that is not true...the hopeful self.

Do you honestly feel free now.... ?

My T told me a year and a half before she was going to retire and kind of sketched out how she saw things going (what vacations she thought she'd be taking in that time, etc.). She was going to renew her license the next year (June 2004-2005) but not the year after that so the end of June, 2005, we'd be finished.

Knowing so long in advance was very helpful to me because it gave me all that time to "get use to" it. I could "practice" being unhappy and waxing and waning about what July 2005 would bring. One thing that helped me was I was paying out of pocket, $800 a month and only working to support my habit :-) So, when I finished with therapy, I could stop working too! I had plenty of time to figure out things to "bridge the gap" between a couple months before terminating and a couple months after. I bought my husband a 2004 Christmas present of a trip to Switzerland in September 2005; I bought only the plane tickets and we'd have to "plan" the actual trip, what we wanted to do :-) I engineered moving from our house of 20 years to a new place and, of course, I was going to quit my job and my husband was getting ready to retire (March 2006) and there was plenty going on before and after so I was "busy" and termination was just part of it. I did have some trouble so I signed up with a good online therapist I knew of and did some e-mailing with him a few times a week for a couple months between quitting therapy, my job, moving, and going to Switzerland. In the Spring of 2005 I found a woman's group and joined that (that didn't work out, they were mostly single women looking for men/companions :-)

I use to have to drive 1-1/2 to 2-1/2 hours each way to therapy on a weekday and I certainly didn't miss that drive, especially the drive home. I do miss my T occasionally but not because I "need" her but just because there are things I'd like to talk over with her, because I valued her point of view and take on things. It still amazes me that I don't have all the "noise" in my head anymore, am not continually distracted by my "issues" so that I can't attend to whatever I feel like attending to. I use to spend a lot of time with my symptoms and use to wonder what I would "do" if I didn't have to spend my time the way I did. Now I don't have any symptoms and can barely remember what it was like before; kind of like a really bad nightmare and now I've awakened.

Thank you Perna...

I appreciate your thoughts and your sharing your experience. I sure hope that I will have a similar positive experience. I have heard that therapy continues a couple of years beyond therapy as things continue to percolate and I suppose closure continues at it's own pace.

I have been in therapy ...goodness... for half of my life...about 24 years now and that is quite a stretch. The wounds have intermittently been open for all that time... I suppose different wounds at different times... and they are all intermingled... OUCH.

I have had two T's primarily (pdocs) and the first one did retire. I remember that process with sadness and beauty and he did actually open the door to my current pdoc as that one bacame my "medicine man" and so there was a few month seguae (?) but I kept going. I was not done with my work.

There was a time when this new one... (no longer new...haha) set a date for therapy to stop. That was traumatic for me but I was seeing him for med checks and then monthly... then back in to work. I fear this date picking in the future... I suppose I rather felt that as a way of abandonment in that I was not ready at that time but wala... It happened. So I will try to address these fears more so in future visits.

THere is a connection on this warm fuzzy thing.... My first doc was a warm fuzzy. This guy has a different technique...and is distanced though close...lol.. hard to describe but the boundaries are definite. Last session he talked of how my parents have kept me distanced for my life. I find that this could be a recreation of that for some crappy ...or marvelous.... reason or could speak to his own limitations.

I suppose the idea of acceptance with pdoc 1 was easier for me as he was retiring.... it was time really. The second one (current) had more of an option.... though there must have been justification in his mind...

The idea of such a commute to therapy Perna is quite impressive and I am sure gave you quite a bit of time to prepare and work through. Was that due to availability or desire for confidentiality or? I admire that journey for you. I hear some say that they have no one they can see and I know.... if there is a will (such as yours) there is a way.

I love the way you transitioned in to non-therapy life. How wonderful to be able to quit work and to have that wonderful trip. I wonder if there was a feeling of loss or victory after ther trip. ... or both..would be understandable.

I am amazed that there are on line therapists... and wonder how you found one... though that is a just a curiosity. I suppose the connection on line would be way different from that in person. But very interesting to me.

Your message to me is one of hope. Particularly the following:

**It still amazes me that I don't have all the "noise" in my head anymore, am not continually distracted by my "issues" so that I can't attend to whatever I feel like attending to. I use to spend a lot of time with my symptoms and use to wonder what I would "do" if I didn't have to spend my time the way I did. Now I don't have any symptoms and can barely remember what it was like before; kind of like a really bad nightmare and now I've awakened.**

It actually brings me to tears a bit this morning but I have been so raw lately. I suppose I wish to keep the wounds open as long as they need to be to be productive but after such a long time I wonder how that may be. I want so much of where I am emotionally to be healed. SIgh....

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your journey. I appreciate it....and it gives me hope. Hope and fight are two words that keep me directed positively ....even in the darkness.

You said:

It actually brings me to tears a bit this morning but I have been so raw lately. I suppose I wish to keep the wounds open as long as they need to be to be productive but after such a long time I wonder how that may be. I want so much of where I am emotionally to be healed. SIgh....

Maybe you are ready to move on a bit and close some of those wounds. It sounds like you are suffering. I am close to tears reading your post. Thank you.

((((((((((((Secret))))))))))))

Sister

Glad to help out sister....

really.... that was said with humor but thank you for your thoughts.

I really wish you tears... I know...

I say this with a modicum of humor....

Although still a bit shell shocked... I am coming out of the hole. I have also been medically sick as well as this depression hoohaaa....not so haha actually.

I call today to just leave a message ...and the phone in the middle of my message...thanks for calling..*click*.. I call back... say what I wish to say.. (I am coming back from a bad weekend medically and psychologically and am ready to start meds) . but less than the alotted 1 minute and it says....thanks for calling....*click*.

I feel clipped. But I need to put the humor at the forefront instead of the possibility of being insulted. Just an old pattern....still waving at me somehow.

Waiting for Thursday. SIgh.

Is the point that I should be mentally able to say "screw you" to the people that I have felt abandoned me.... and know that I am still o.k.?