[Grey Matter]

I have had one of the worst times since my brother died from Friday to now. I just realized my whole life revolves around my dead brother. I was told to go to the ER today by my GP due to vomiting and dehydration from the steroid treatment I have been put on. The problem is, the steroids have been causing mood swings. And I've never had mood swings before. And they are horrid.

When my mom heard the news, she said "okay, let's just see how you feel" which I thought was something meant to be comforting. She then listed off all of the hospitals we CAN'T go to because my brother went there once or had to stay here once etc etc. So I have been vomiting all day, dehydrated, tired. All the GP wanted me to do was go in, get an IV and checked out, and then leave. I had to call out of work today; the job that my parents bullied me into, under the assumption that I'd be going. Instead my mom just shrugged it off and said "Lets see how you feel tomorrow". Which means "too bad".

I understand my mom lost a son. I lost a brother. We both have PTSD. I get it. But she CANNOT keep dictating everyone's life based off of his sadly short life. I cannot make her realize that my sister (who is 17) is going to need her. That she's going to want her mom to drive her to University in the fall. That she's going to want and need that love and it just. Does nothing. Nothing can get through to her. My grandmother calling her and telling her off doesn't work, me crying and begging doesn't work. And now I am just. I've reached my limit.

I am back to thinking awful thoughts again, I am obviously not eating so falling back into my anorexia and it's not even my FAULT. I haven't been taking my meds because my new therapist, yet again, has not refilled my anti-depressant. I feel like I am on the ledge all over again when I have done so much work to get so far back from it. And I know this feeling. It's like drowning without water but you don't kick or scream because you've been here once before and you just let it take you. I can't do this again. I am 23 and I can't self destruct and stop my life again.

I am just so tired. I am realizing I never really mattered. I probably never will. And it causes me to be angry with my dead brother. Which just formulates more guilt.

I am so tired.

I wish I knew how to comfort you and make it better...but I am here for you.

I was wondering, though, is there any way to move in with your grandmother or other family member?

[Grey Matter]

No /: the grandmother who lives close abused me, and the family I am close to is spread out all over. I wish I could.

Oh...sorry. I hope I haven't struck a nerve there. I wish I had another answer, but all I can offer you is someone to talk to if you ever need someone.

[Grey Matter]

No, no. You didn't, it's all fine. Thank you <3

[Yoda]

I am sorry your family isn't supporting you when you need them.

[growlycat]

I am so sorry.

[unfuntionablytired]

I cant imagine.. so futilely sorry. I hope things somehow turn around and get better for you, your mom and sister. until then , i know how it sounds but, hang in there i guess. il be hoping the best for you.

[-jimi-]

Steroids can mess up your moods really bad. I'm sorry. It seems like your mom thinks she's the only one grieving your brother. She complicates your grief. She doesn't seem to understand you are ill. Sadly seems like she made him the favorite...

What a mess.

If it was me I would go in hospital if I could. At least there they are paid to care.

[Iamwho]

So sorry you are having to go through so much suffering.
Hope you got the fluids you need. Please try to drink fluids with electrolytes in them. Powerade is a good one, because it also has sodium in it. White cherry doesn't have the glycol ester that I was told is bad for you.
Try to remember everyone grieves in their own way.
Everyone's emotions can heightened and raw at times like this.
My dad died last Dec and then my brother died in June. They were not young but were the last of my immediate family. I do have a husband and he seems to deal with death of family and friends by not dealing with it.
Here is to hoping life will eventually calm down.

[winter4me]

I've been away a while and have missed many posts I am sure, but I am sorry that it sounds as if little has changed at home...
How is your dad dealing with all this? I don't remember you talking much about him.
You do matter. I hope it won't be long before you can get out of the house and find support, new interests, and time to heal and gain your own perspective...unfortunately it seems your mother is comfortable in the place she has isolated herself...------do you and your sister have a good relationship? ...and, do you have someone to talk to?

[Grey Matter]

My dad is just kind of a mute about the whole thing. He follows my moms lead. But then again, I try not to stress him out too much because he is on dialysis and I don't want to contribute to him getting worse. My sister and I have a great relationship. The sad thing is, my mom and I used to be best friends. Now it feels like I have to be near death for her to even lift up her head and go "okay, lets get you help".

This is whole new territory for me. I have been mentally ill most of my life, but I've never been so physically ill before and I am learning how that works myself. And I know a lot of people, some old friends, tell me that maybe this is her way of wanting me to find independence. The problem with that is I have been independent my whole life. From when I was 10 on, I did everything myself. If I felt ill, I took care of it. I started handling the bills when I was 14. I started working a full time job when I was 16. I always want to do everything alone. So me saying "I can't do this alone" is a huge step, even though it may seem like a step backwards.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

My dad is just kind of a mute about the whole thing. He follows my moms lead. But then again, I try not to stress him out too much because he is on dialysis and I don't want to contribute to him getting worse. My sister and I have a great relationship. The sad thing is, my mom and I used to be best friends. Now it feels like I have to be near death for her to even lift up her head and go "okay, lets get you help".

This is whole new territory for me. I have been mentally ill most of my life, but I've never been so physically ill before and I am learning how that works myself. And I know a lot of people, some old friends, tell me that maybe this is her way of wanting me to find independence. The problem with that is I have been independent my whole life. From when I was 10 on, I did everything myself. If I felt ill, I took care of it. I started handling the bills when I was 14. I started working a full time job when I was 16. I always want to do everything alone. So me saying "I can't do this alone" is a huge step, even though it may seem like a step backwards.

Im a bit confused....how long ago did your brother die...in your first post in this thread you stated....

I have had one of the worst times since my brother died from Friday to now.

so am I correct in assuming your brother has been gone only a week tomorrow?

Im going to be a bit blunt here......its no wonder your mom isnt very sympathetic and isnt thinking about you and your sister.. I look at my own children and I know I would not be able to handle something like their death by burying them one day and having to move on with my life with out them right away, at someone elses opinion of when I should put all my feelings,ptsd, depression rage,....aside to take care of other people.. if my daughter or son died I know exactly what would happen to me.. I would sit in their room curled up with their things and life be darned and gosh help the person that came to me saying come on get up you have me to take care of you have the other child to care for, you have to take this child to school, feed this child. I would be so angry and feel like doing bodily harm to who ever came to me suggesting I get on with my life at their pace not mine.. (even if my child was an adult when they died there is no way I would consider other people a week or two after my childs death)

I know harsh thing to say. but grieving doesnt happen over night.. for some people it can take years and years to get through the grief process. example here in the USA it is believed there are at least 5 parts to grieving the loss of someone. human beings dont usually jump from burying their lost ones to acceptance and moving on with their lives. they need time to cry, time to be angry, time to process what ever way in which the person died, time to go through depression, they need time to adjust to their new life with out the person that died, .....

you said in your post you realized that your life revolved around your brother...well a parents life revolves around their children from the day that child is born to the day that child dies. Im not trying to minimize your pain but maybe you can see it in another light.. no one can process a death in the same way. you may be able to move on with your life but for others it can take many many years.

when a person isnt allowed to move through their grief at what ever paces that is right for them dictated by their own body and mind...well thats when a whole host of mental problems /symptoms/disorders can happen...example if your mom shuts off her pain, depression, focusing on herself when she needs to, that can lead to her having depersonalization disorder, derealization disorder, dissociative amnesia, Complex PTSD, borderline personality disorder, psychosis, sleep disorders, eating disorders, and a whole bunch more.

I lost a family member 6 yrs ago. Im still finding myself going through the various grief phases about this person.

it may very well be that you and your 17 yr old sister may not be able to depend upon your parents for a long time depending upon how their minds process death/grief.

you and your sister know your sister is going to university in the fall. well what about neighbors, friends taking her in. then while shes on campus she can put her name on car pooling lists of other students willing to carpool with other students. most colleges also have dorms (these are buildings where students can live during their going to college/university) living on campus in dorms your sister wont need anyone to drive her to university because she will already be right there on campus.

with your parents going through grief, your sister and you may need to depend upon yourselves and your own treatment providers to find creative ways through things like transportation, medical care, self care, mental health care, housing/shelter/feeding yourselves..

most 17 yr olds are at a point in their life anyway where they feel their parents dont know squat and they want to do things on their own with out parents driving them everywhere, hanging over them with their friends and other things that other 17 -18 yr old boys and girls do together. my 17 yr old niece and a friend of hers just moved into their own apartment. granted that apartment isnt what we "adults" in her life like her in. its a studio no bedroom just a living room area, kitchen and extremely small bathroom. so they sleep on sleeping bags and a sofa sleeper couch. but they are having the time of their life and its close enough to both the college and the high school so they can continue with their schooling..thats all that matters. they come over alot to "barrow food or a few bucks to get them through to their next paycheck with the local grocery store, stocking shelves, sweeping floors cleaning up messes.)

17 yr olds can be quite resilant and creative when they want to be. lol.

you know what your mom and dad are capable of and not capable of, thats half the problem solved right there. you know you cant depend on them right now so nows the time for you and your sister to put your heads together. I bet you and your sister can come up with some amazingly creative ways to get through these hard times right now with out needing to push your parents beyond what they are capable of while they too process the lose of your brother/their son.

Ti,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, considering how much you've gone through lately...I also can't offer any advice, but you have my friendship, compassion and my ear.

It sounds like you're being invalidated by those whom you need most right now...I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now.

So, anytime you need to talk you know how to reach me. Will be sending good thoughts in the meantime. Much love.

[Nobodyandnothing]

TI,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time and I know you will find this difficult but since you are 23 you are no longer a minor and no longer are your parents legally responsible for you. I know this is difficult to accept but it just appears to be the way it is. You keep beating your head against something that may never change. It seems like your situation with your family is not getting any better so you need to make a change. You can admit yourself to a hospital or go to the er by yourself. You need to step up and take charge of your condition and your life. That may include a new housing arrangement. Do you have any services in your community you can contact?

What you are doing now just isn't working. You are an adult so you need to help yourself instead of hoping something will change that probably won't.

I hope things improve for you very soon.

[Grey Matter]

Thank you guys. Really. I am just tired, I have a 104F fever that hasn't broken yet (I get at least three high fevers a day. I'd rather have Lupus like they thought I did then stills. Then again, I'd still be on the same steroidal treatment).

I am sorry, Amandalousie, that you know how it is to lose your brother. If my brother passed away a week ago, I wouldn't have even brought up feeling ill to my parents or my sister. I understand the waves of grief and that it's not a straight line. He died a year ago on August 11th. I have had that year to go back to therapy, miss him greatly (as I still do), cry, hate the world, all of that. My concern is the my mom is never going to live again because her terminally ill son died. And that's not fair to her. And to be frank, it's not fair to her living family. And I understand she is grieving still, and she can admit that she cannot move on. But even if it's not for me, if it's for my sister, my mom needs to start stepping out and cherishing the time she has with her before my sister moves away. Before I move away, which I am planning to do with my sister.

The dead is never going to come back. I convinced myself forever that my brother would return. And now I know he will not. But living family; they are living. And we cannot dictate the health of our loved ones based on the fact that someone died. That may seem cruel or empty to say, but it is true. If my sister and I were older, both well, Living alone, I still would struggle with my mother ending her life while still living. She deserves a life as much as the next person. She just needs to start going back to therapy and actually talking to me and letting me help rather than shutting me out and living in this imaginary world where I'm not sick and no one else will ever be.

[Patagonia]

FWIW...I think you need to take care of yourself first before you try & help any of your family. Remember in a plane, oxygen goes on yourself first then help the person next to you.
Take care of YOU!
You're in my thoughts

[winter4me]

Patagonia is right.

[Grey Matter]

Going into the ER today... my brain is fried. Thank you all for the kind words. It means a lot.

[texlaw]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

I have had one of the worst times since my brother died from Friday to now. I just realized my whole life revolves around my dead brother. I was told to go to the ER today by my GP due to vomiting and dehydration from the steroid treatment I have been put on. The problem is, the steroids have been causing mood swings. And I've never had mood swings before. And they are horrid.

When my mom heard the news, she said "okay, let's just see how you feel" which I thought was something meant to be comforting. She then listed off all of the hospitals we CAN'T go to because my brother went there once or had to stay here once etc etc. So I have been vomiting all day, dehydrated, tired. All the GP wanted me to do was go in, get an IV and checked out, and then leave. I had to call out of work today; the job that my parents bullied me into, under the assumption that I'd be going. Instead my mom just shrugged it off and said "Lets see how you feel tomorrow". Which means "too bad".

I understand my mom lost a son. I lost a brother. We both have PTSD. I get it. But she CANNOT keep dictating everyone's life based off of his sadly short life. I cannot make her realize that my sister (who is 17) is going to need her. That she's going to want her mom to drive her to University in the fall. That she's going to want and need that love and it just. Does nothing. Nothing can get through to her. My grandmother calling her and telling her off doesn't work, me crying and begging doesn't work. And now I am just. I've reached my limit.

I am back to thinking awful thoughts again, I am obviously not eating so falling back into my anorexia and it's not even my FAULT. I haven't been taking my meds because my new therapist, yet again, has not refilled my anti-depressant. I feel like I am on the ledge all over again when I have done so much work to get so far back from it. And I know this feeling. It's like drowning without water but you don't kick or scream because you've been here once before and you just let it take you. I can't do this again. I am 23 and I can't self destruct and stop my life again.

I am just so tired. I am realizing I never really mattered. I probably never will. And it causes me to be angry with my dead brother. Which just formulates more guilt.

I am so tired.

Hey, sweetheart. (Since, whatever gender you are, you're nearly 25 years younger than me, I feel I can call you that.)

I just wanted to tell you something really important. You. Matter.

What doesn't matter is your mom's internal dialogue and effed up ways of acting out. I mean, obviously they do. They have effects on herself and others--namely, herself, you and others you love.

But to the question of Your Significance on this planet? They. Don't. Matter. That's her stuff, not yours.

Hang in there, Little Bit.

[Grey Matter]

I was in IP over the weekend. They made sure I was eating and I had therapy (a few different kinds) more than once a day. So it went really well and I feel loads better. And to those who told me I am an adult, that my sister is old enough to make these decisions without parents (she just turned 17) etc, the doctors agreed with me. They said if people knew I lived alone and I was in my mid 30's, that no one would be telling me I can do all of this alone because they would know I have been (and by knew we mean "assume".) Me wanting my mom to live her life and be the mother she wants and knows she can be isn't me being weak or dependent.

I was also told to stop making excuses for her because it's hindering MY grieving. So I wont.

Thanks again to tho who helped. It means a lot.

I am glad that being IP was helpful.
It sounds like the staff had really helpful things to say and were very supportive of you.
Are you feeling better since being IP?

[Grey Matter]

It helped a lot. Medicaid only covered me for a few days which made them mad (not at me) but I am seeing one of their therapists twice a week who specializes in OCD and eating disorders, and he is really awesome so that's good. I feel a lot more stable now.

Hope you feel better soon Teen Idle, time is the enemy but it can become your friend one day too.

[Grey Matter]

That is very true, I need to keep that in mind.