What counts as trauma?

When I think back to my one experience that led to severe depression and Dissociative Amnesia as well as one mild psychotic episode, it doesn't seem to make sense. Some people have been through terrible things, but mine is nothing compared to theirs. How could it cause all of this? When I was 11 years old, my best friend and writing coach passed away suddenly. She was in her late 20s but I consider her a member of my family. She was like a mother or at least an aunt to me. She didn't die in front of me, though. She was perfectly healthy, but one night a blood clot cut off her lungs and she suffocated. I received a call telling me that she had gone. Because of my amnesia affects, I hardly remember anything immediately before or after this episode. I remember some things vaguely. I remember screaming and crashing into walls, even falling down a flight of stairs, which I think was an accident. I hit my head into the walls and tore some of my hair out. I went crazy, and after that I didn't speak for a week and a half. On her birthday after she died (which was only months after her passing) I baked her a cake without telling my family. When my mom ate a slice, I went full on psycho on her. I freaked out and curled up crying, all because of the cake...

Obviously since then I have improved...sort of. After that, I got depression, I've forgotten almost my entire childhood, and I've lost my ability to understand love. I've become withdrawn, while I used to be the most popular girl in middle school. I've changed almost entirely. But it doesn't make sense to me. She didn't die in my arms, or get murdered, or anything. It wasn't THAT traumatic. So why did it mess me up so bad? Why did I have a breakdown and develop all these things?? I have even thought of hurting other people, but I cut myself in order to keep myself from hurting others. I haven't done that in months though. But sometimes I just want to do awful things and I still miss her so much, I cry at least once a month. How could this have such a huge impact? It's not like I was abused or witnessed her death, and I was 11. Someone please help me make sense of this...

Frankly, I would think what you went through was very traumatic. And also, I don't believe you can compare one's emotional pain to another's because pain is pain. Your pain is no less than anyone else's.

Good luck.

Well, the loss of someone you were so close with, especially at the age you had this happen, is traumatic.

People tend to think that a trauma has to be much worse, but that is not how it works, it is something that someone can experience where it is something very sudden, takes them by surprise and they don't know how to deal with it or process it emotionally.

With any kind of sudden loss the reason "grief counseling" is usually provided is because
of how a loss like what you are describing can be very traumatic and something that it is important to talk about and have help with.

A warning sign that PTSD can be developing actually "is" depression and withdrawing. This is something that people with "knowledge" will advise parents and family to watch out for.

I advise that you seek therapy, preferably with a therapist that also understands PTSD
I am not diagnosing you, but you have not resolved this experience, and you do need the right help with that. Saying this experience is "not that traumatic" is wrong because an 11 and 12 year old doesn't have the ability or life skills to be able to process the finality of something like this. And even what to do with all the emotions that present with this kind of loss. It can also create a inner fear of allowing for another attachment like this for fear of something possibly happening that can again be very painful and traumatic. We can develop these fears without even realizing it, and our personal sense of safety is put into question.

When we suffer a loss, we need to know "our feelings" and sense of loss is important, how "we" feel is important, and that there is a presence there that respects and understands that personal need. This is not "just you" that needs this either, it is a very "real and important" human need. It is very "wrong" that anyone who has a deep emotional reaction and confusion to a loss is left to feel they should not have this emotional challenge or that their feelings are "not important". You are saying that what you feel "should not be happening or that your confusion is not important', but hun, that is wrong, YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND DESERVE TO HAVE THE RIGHT PERSON HELP YOU WITH THIS, IT IS ESSENTIAL.

When you made that cake, you were actually trying to be thankful and remember what this person did for you that touched you deeply. This "is" something that people do when they suffer a loss that has become a part of "remembrance and mourning" that helps with "healing from a loss". The fact that your mother (unknowingly) invaded that and took from it did present a deep feeling of "invasion on your right to mourn and present your own special offering". That is again something that should have been talked about where you were given the chance to express how that made you feel and gotten some comfort for that which would "again" help you understand "why" you felt all the things you felt in that experience and how that was violated.

Being able to "grieve" is so very, very important to help us heal when we have a loss that deeply affects us and leaves such an uncomfortable hole that we don't understand.

I have to say, that I suffered a lot of loss that I honestly didn't know how to process emotionally. I eventually just broke because what I went through was just too much. I was exhausted and I really needed a presence to help me that was caring, and I didn't get that, and I did ask for it too. I got worse and also experienced depression and withdrew. I "do" struggle with PTSD myself and it took me a while to understand it all. It also took "too long" for me to find the right therapist to help me work through it. I can't say enough how important it is to find a good therapist where you can finally grieve they way you need to and you will have the caring support that will help you through this "overdue" process that you need to have so you can express your pain and finally have the guidance to help you work through it so you can finally move forward in your life.

I am very sorry you had this experience, losing someone who was an important person in your life that took an interest in you, was a guide and mentor is traumatic. You need to talk about this and have the right person there to help you through this instead of your feeling like "it wasn't supposed to be that important to you", because "that is simply not the case".

((((Hugs))))
OE

To understand and realize the significance of being "allowed to" properly mourn and actually being able to "express" emotions for a loss, even find a way to "show a sign of an appreciation for what was lost" you need to look around some.

We have built many monuments to express "remembrance and mourning". We have spent a lot of money and time in building something that has meaning and is a permanent reminder and gives respect to the many lives that were lost on 9ll. And every year we make it a point to talk about this event in a very public way. Well, this is part of how we "need to grieve" loss. It is not "wrong" to feel loss and "need to grieve" with others. And within that open conversation about "grief and loss" there are always questions, all kinds of questions of "why" and how to "deal with the emptiness that is still present".

However, we also have many different kinds of cemeteries with all kinds of elaborate headstones and we even have a ritual we go through when someone is lost called a funeral where people gather and work on dealing with a loss and very real emotional challenge that comes with experiencing a loss.
So it is important to realize "emotions that present with loss is real, human, challenging and should not be considered something that is wrong to experience or that one should feel like they are failing somehow when they struggle emotionally and are confused with varying emotions".

It is important that you do not end up thinking that you need to "deny" the feelings that you experienced with this loss, and still do. Entertaining the idea that "you are not important and that you are wrong to experience emotional challenges after a loss, is not being fair to your own "human nature". You "are" very human and you need to be able to "express your emotions in whatever way you need to with others around you that validate you and help you with this very real human reaction".

Often the "root" of PTSD is caused from "unresolved need for mourning that someone did not get to express" or did not have the proper support when it was really needed.

Human beings have designed many different kinds of rituals to help them express this need to "mourn". I think it was very important that you had someone to really help you with this when you were much too young to understand this process and felt you somehow needed to "hide your emotional struggle or even suppress it or feel you didn't deserve to struggle emotionally".

Please make sure you reach out for help to finally address this challenge, it is very important that you understand all the emotions and finally learn how to process them and have all of them validated as much as you need to.

(((Caring Hugs))))
OE

Do you think there might also have been background conditions that predisposed you to have such a severe reaction to this horrible, tragic, stunning premature death? The death itself sounds terrible. I had a bad reaction to a loss a little like that too, but my family dynamic was already really dysfunctional, and that, I think, really set the stage for me to fall apart and not be able to put myself together for a while. At 11, you did not have much in the way of resources to deal with the loss I do not expect. Not sure what type of support you got from family, counselors, etc? Very difficult situation, I'm so sorry to hear you've suffered so.

Thank you so much to those who replied so far. I think maybe, coupled with the actual death, the way my parents treated me may have helped cause this. Since she was older than me, and my parents never met her, they didn't consider her to be a real friend. She was just as much a friend to me as another kid my age. But they took the age into account, and for that reason prohibited me from attending her funeral. The night I found out she died, my dad called the cops and had them search her records. He woke me up at 2 am to tell me smugly all this information I already knew, and saying "her parents didn't want me at the funeral" even though they personally invited me. I am still close to her mom and we talk often. She sends me pictures of Candace and chats with me about her which is nice. But basically my parents spit in my face about it. They forced me to go to school the very next day where I felt humiliated because I couldn't stop crying in class. Some people said I was doing it for attention.

My parents don't even remember her. I have a memorial in my room with her pictures and artwork of hers and they don't know what it is. If I mentioned her, I bet they wouldn't remember. Or my dad would call her a pedophile. They are extremely judgmental. They assume that because she was an older woman and stuff that she doesnt qualify as my best friend. I went to my sister one night crying, knowing I couldn't go to my parents, and she told me I was just "overtired." It's made me so insecure about this whole thing that I never even mention Candace anymore really. I feel like no matter what, people will always judge me and her. Nobody grasps that this was like losing a sister almost. So I guess maybe that's it. No one ever helped me cope. And I do see a therapist, and I mentioned Candace once, but I always feel wicked uncomfortable because I'm afraid of how people will react. As soon as I say she was in her early 30s late 20s they just go "oh" and treat it like it's less of a big deal.

Also a week later my dad forced me to watch that movie Catfish about people who fake who they are, saying that Candace was like that and I fell for it and "put myself in danger." He totally disrespected her and I thought about killing him, I got as far as bringing a knife to his room while he was sleeping but I knew she wouldn't want me to, so I stopped.

I'm of the opinion (for what it's worth) that any life event that leaves us in need of medical attention for physical and/or emotional wounds can be counted as traumatic.

I think you should discuss this with your therapist. If you have a "good therapist" then you should feel safe and be able to talk about how you struggle, it should not be something to "fear discussing or have you feeling you will be judged or dismissed". A "good" therapist will not be "dismissive" and will listen and allow you to express your feelings.

Just so you know, I had therapy myself today and I talked about you and how I felt about it, my therapist agrees with me, I have a really "good" therapist with lots of experience.

I taught for many years and the children I taught knew me as a friend too, there is nothing "bad" about that either. There was nothing ever bad about my intentions or wrong that they felt I was a friend either, I taught but also mentored and tried to show them the good parts of who they were and what they actually "could" do. It sounds like your friend may have been a good teacher or had a gift for "listening to and working with children", and that is no crime.

I am sorry for your loss, you do deserve to be able to talk about it.

(((Hugs)))
OE

You have gotten lots of good responses so I'll only add that trauma is considered a subjective (not objective) experience that overwhelms a person in any number of ways, including sense of control, sense of self, sense of what is right, etc. There is not an objective measure at least in the sense that trauma might lead to PTSD or depression. Some people go through things that might seem to be traumatic, but they don't develop symptoms. It isn't necessarily because of anything inside them. Sometimes what happens after an event makes a huge difference. If there is not proper support and understanding, then it can be more of a problem. I have PTSD with lots of trauma, but some are more charged than others and not because they are objectively worse but rather because the circumstances made them more difficult to deal with.

I will admit that I did not read all the replies here. You should look into traumatic grief and complex grief. The loss of a loved one, even if it is not in a traumatic way can be traumatic to the person who lost their loved one. And that can lead to depression/ptsd.

Thank you again everyone. Open Eyes, you helped me a lot. I'm really glad to know you are thinking of me, and I'm glad I have this sort of closure. For a long time I didn't know what this was. I always thought it seemed inappropriate a response to something like this. But now I feel a little bit better knowing that I can give myself more help and not feel bad about how I'm reacting to it.

Grief and Grieving-Symptoms

Perhaps this will help you understand how a loss of someone who you were close with can present complicated emotions that if not addressed properly, can get worse over time.

If you are seeing a therapist, and the therapist doesn't listen, help you feel safe so you can discuss your emotions then the therapist is not doing his or her job. You "can" copy this link and bring it with you when you see your therapist. While it "is" frustrating when a therapist "fails" to be a good therapist, there is always room for them to be "enlightened" so they don't "fail" someone else who may suffer.

((Hugs)))
OE

Yes lots of very good responses and what you have spoken of is only the very tip of the iceberg. The characteristic of an iceberg is that you may see a portion of it above the water line. The greatest part is hidden under the surface.

The fact that you cant remember much of other periods in your life is also another sign of trauma and emotional wounding.

Please take care of yourself.