Tires slashed, PTSD emotions, End of my T!

I am getting to be a mess! My T maybe thinks I already am. I don't have money left to keep seeing him every week or any other time or frequency. Its over. I am supposed to see him one last time tomorrow night (Wednesday). I am so emotional from my old stalker being back in the shelter system and trying to talk to me and everything--my mind is totally melted!! I stopped going to my job in September because I started thinking and remembering and crying then. Things only slightly improved but with the overnight shelters being open and the stalker being around again, things are worse! Anxiety about my lack of money situation isn't helped at all by my emotions. Emotions like these are worse than anxiety. I am lost. My "life" is nothing. These emotions melt my mind to nothing. So I do nothing. I become nothing. I will wonder if I even exist. Or if I can exist in a world of nothing. I don't know what to do anymore or where to go. All 4 tires on my car were slashed this morning--surely by another homeless person still seeking revenge for me getting the order of protection against my stalker almost 2 years ago, and already expired one year ago. A police report was filed and insurance is covering 4 new tires, but I have a $250 deductable. The overnight shelter sites are actually at churches, and while waiting for the tow truck this morning one of the pastors arrived for work. He couldn't help but to notice the tires on my car and came over to talk to me. He said that he would talk to the senior pastor, but he thought they could help and pay my deductable for me--and they are! You don't know how touched and relieved, even, I felt when I heard that! I had only $600 in my bank account last weekend--that is prior to paying any bills now due or already late (including storage), or the $280 car payment or the bill for my T. There's also the need for gas in the car, my cell phone, the gym so I have a place to shower, and laundry. I just got the bill to renew my auto insurance a few days ago--that's due just about in time for my birthday next month. I am not emotionally ready to find a new job and go back to work right now. I could see part-time work--MAYBE!--but that is still mood dependent. There is so much more that has been happening. Right now, I am very afraid to be here that something more will happen to my car--and I don't have money to pay for it! Or the sanity and emotions or strength to! I don't want to go to the shelter sites anymore after this today, but there is no other place to go. I really don't know what to do or where to go.

Inky, I am sorry for the nightmarish life you have been having. Have you thought of applying for disability and getting into subsidized housing? I am sorry you are still on the street and all of this continues.

You have worth, you have value. Hang in there, it will get better. Can you get priority on housing?

I don't know...anything anymore.

Maybe I will write more a bit later.

Sending positive vibes your way inky.

oh inky!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))

Go ahead and ask the church that is helping you if they have any other options other than that site you go to. You just never know, but maybe someone there will eventually be able to help you get off the street, you know?

Oh I feel so for you inky!!! Please do all you can to be safe.

Oh and without a T!!! Ok, you must be one strong person to be having to withstand all this now.

I'm afraid to even go to my T tonight. I am afraid of having these emotions there. I don't want to talk about these things. I don't want the emotions. I think its (bad) enough that its been happening in voice mails to him. I about tortured him with voice mails yesterday. He and my primary medical doctor know that things are rough for me emotionally as well as financially right now, and neither one helps the other. I know there is concern about PTSD issues, my eating and weight issues, cutting. I stopped taking my Adderall every day back in September when I suddenly stopped going to work because of how my pdoc said something in a voice mail to me that I associated with something from my ptsd history. The Adderall almost completely stopped cutting. I am very sure they are quite concerned about me continuing to get new prescriptions for it, especially with it being a Class 2 drug and must be prescribed by an MD. I have taken it 5 days in a row today--my record since September. I've been taking it so irregularly. The number of skipped days between has improved and I actually haven't cut in two weeks. But the cuts I did make were all serious. I never went to the hospital for stitches, but I did end up going to see my primary about or almost a week after the last ones were made. One really bad one wasn't even trying to heal. He already knew that I've cut before. I was afraid to see any other doctor but him. I emailed him to his personal business email address that is off-the-record and that I am not supposed to know (he didn't tell me either). He didn't have any openings when I checked the schedule online, but after I sent that email an appointment suddenly opened up. A behind-the-scene appointment fairy evidently helped me out and made an appointment available so I could schedule online. ;-) The 'appointment fairy' also took away the checkbox to make sure I didn't try to change my mind and cancel it--it was clearly a mandatory appointment! He knew I was scared to even come in and see him about it and why. I know it was very hard for him to see that cut, still wide open, with all the others I had made and not try to send me to the hospital. He didn't even mention it!--but I could tell the thought occurred to him. I could see in his eyes. He asked about my T's and pdoc's names so he could update my record with the correct information. I pulled out their business cards and I swear, for a moment he looked like a kid at a candy store or about to get a new toy! Of course, he called my T, but I didn't care. I knew it would happen eventually. I can't believe it took this long before he did!
I have one more thing to update, but I will have to do that later. I am on my cell phone now and the battery is dying. I still wish going to T tonight for our final appointment could be easier. I seriously don't want to and would like to cancel, but part of does want to go. I am going to miss him--very much. :-(

Strong? Withstanding it?

<font color="blue">Not at all!</font> [crying]

Inky, I wish I could be there and help you through some of these hurdles, yes you are strong. do you think if you had safe housing you could allow yourself to stay there? There are many ways to have your address not listed and your mail sent elsewhere. Just wondring.

Safe housing. That's exactly what I was thinking. A warmer climate would be helpful also.

EJ

Sending positive thoughts ((((((((((((((( inky ))))))))))))))

Hello I hope you are doing bettr at this time. there should be other options for your mental health that will treat you for free in the county that you are in, you should ask your therapist to recommend someone at county mental health so that you can still go to counseling. You need to see someone to help you cope at this time. Is there a womans shelter to help you that you could go to in your area. they generally are somewhat safer than a homeless shelter. Also Salvation Army and Jobs and Family services may be able to help you with housing or Catholic Charities or the Catholic Diocese in your area will help you with housing. Your therapist may can help you with housing as well, along with metropilitan housing in your area. I am going to leave you my email address in case you need more help I will be gald to search the internet to find you help if you eamial and give me a city and state to do a search for you to find housing, and other resources that you may be in need of. I really feel that you need to staty in counseling since you are so distraught at this time. I hope things get better for you soon. Maybe you should think about going to legal aide and getting a restraining order reinstated for your mental safety. Take care Soidhonia my email address is neohiodbsa@yahoo.com all emails that come to this email address are sonfidential.

Oh Inky!

(((((((((((((( Inky ))))))))))))))

Hon, maybe it's time for permanent housing. You would certainly qualify. Please take good care of you.

Hugs,

Jan

I like the permanent houseing idea. Would you consider it, Inky?

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I stopped taking my Adderall every day back in September when I suddenly stopped going to work because of how my pdoc said something in a voice mail to me that I associated with something from my ptsd history.

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Inky, that is something you needed to discuss with your T, hon.

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Of course, he called my T, but I didn't care. I knew it would happen eventually. I can't believe it took this long before he did!

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I agree with you! This has been too long in coming.

Please let us know how the T appointment helped you last night? If we don't hear I hope it's because you are in hospital getting some much needed help and rest from all this hyper-vigilance. ((((hugs)))) You are strong, really you are...I wish you could feel your strength, as you need to right now. It's ok to cry...it doesn't mean you aren't going through (and have gone through) tough times.