Do i NEED help?

I sometimes think to myself I must have no problems as my behaviour concerns me so much, am I right in thinking this?

I want help but I can't bring myself to go to my doctor I'm so embarrassed and constantly feel ashamed of myself.

For the past year or so I've distanced myself from everyone and started to sleep excessively. When I know I have spare time this time is for sleep, nothing else. I don't see any of my friends anymore and have stopped speaking to most of my family which I know they all resent me for. When I do bring myself to see friends and go out I find myself binge drinking which then causes me to feel guilt and shame the day after where I will break down and feel disgusted with myself.
I have thoughts which I cant explain as they are so horrible and sick and sometimes I will even scare myself. I know something isn't right and I just want to know if anyone feels the same???? can ANYBODY relate??

Yes. I can totally relate to this. I've spent a lot of time sleeping or just laying in bed or in front of the T.V. all day. Lately, I've been pretty manic, though, and unfortunately, when ever that happens, I get sick from doing too much. I have also done a lot of binge drinking in my mania. But, yeah, I can totally relate.

I too have a problem I never talked about with a doctor (or with anybody else) because of embarrassment, so I understand you. But it's a pity if you don't see your friends and family anymore. If you want help probably it's because you need it. To begin you can come here and write all what you want, nobody will judge you. You can also PM some of us if you prefer. And then, when you are ready, you can talk with a doctor or with someone else that you trust. Welcome in the community! Happy to meet you

I can relate to this on so many levels.
1st- throughout all of high school i was extremely anxious and depressed. However, I was too ashamed to tell my family, my doctors, etc.
-THIS WAS A BAD MOVE. I ended up getting worse and worse and I've had to leave 2 different colleges. Ended up in a hospital for a few weeks last summer.
-Whenever i would go out/see friends, we binge drink, do drugs, smoke weed, etc.... not a healthy lifestyle. i have since then cut most of those friends out of my life.
-I used to feel a large amount of guilt about random things.. my parents' divorce, past drug/alch binges, and even specific tiny things like 2 years ago i was being a ***** and wouldn't drive my sister somewhere. I have overcome the guilt since then, though in its place came many other worries..
-Those thoughts. Those horrible, sick, dark thoughts. I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for YEARS and i CAN NOT get rid of them! I am able to ignore them sometimes... but my brain keeps telling me over and over and over again that suicide is the only option! That one is the hardest for me to deal with. I can handle thinking i'm lazy, worthless, pitiful, but i am struggling so much with the suicidality. It is scary!
DEFINITELY seek help. Though i feel bad now, i was much worse in the past. I would suggest DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy), it has helped me manage the intrusive thoughts more than i thought i could.
You're not alone

Thank you for your reply. What is it that you are suffering with? What sort of help did you receive and how did you come to tell your family?

I know how you feel. For me it started when I started to stress out at work which affected my sleep, which affected the stress I felt, which affected my sleep. By the time I decided to see my GP I had gone 3 weeks without sleep and had lost 30 lbs because I was so stressed I couldn't eat.

At my appointment we talked about what was going on and she asked THE question. "Do you think you are depressed?" I said "no", thinking to myself, "oh, hell no!!!". We talked some more and she gave me a script for Ambien. That first night I slept 4 hours. The next day I thought to myself "OK, I've got this figured out." That night, nothing and the night after that, nothing and the night after that, nothing and ...

CRAP, what was going on? I felt like sh**, I felt I was imploding. My mind went back to THAT question, the one my GP asked, "could I be depressed?". No, I was strong, I was confident, I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I wasn't THAT word. Things would turn around; they had to.

But things continued to go down hill. I still wasn't sleeping or eating and work was becoming more stressful. So, I decided I could talk to someone to help me get through this "stressful" period and I started calling therapist. I found one that I really like and I felt I had connected with. I set up an appointment. The day of my appointment I started to doubt my need for help. I had never asked for help before, did I really need it now? I decided to go, knowing I didn't need to make another appointment.

So, I met this therapist and told her what I thought was wrong and how its was affecting my sleep, eating and my stress at work. After I finished, she asked me several questions. After I finish answering she gave me her diagnosies - "you have severe major depression and general anxiety disorder". What? What? Did I just hear her say I have depression? I challenged her diagnosies. She explained there are 10 symptoms of depression, of which you only need 5 to have this diagnosis, and you have 9 of them. Actually, I had all 10; I didn't want to tell her my "stress" was becoming so intense I was actively thinking of suicide. Then she gave me the news I needed to be on anti-depressants. I was not a happy camper when I left that appointment. I got a diagnosis I didn't want, I had to start medication I didn't want to take and I had an appointment for the next week.

So, I begrudgingly took my anti-depressant and spent several appointments with my T trying to convince me I was in fact depressed and my arguing I couldn't be. I was strong. These things didn't happen to me.

After a lot of back and forth, I finally admitted to myself - I a m d e p r e s s e d! - I admitted to myself that I did feel helpless and hopeless, alone and lonely, sad, fearful and everything else on her list. And based on my family's history, I had inherited this illness.

But while I admitted this to myself I was not going to tell anyone. I didn't want them to look at me differently or treat me differently. I eventually told my siblings who were supportive, but a few months later, 2 of my siblings started questioning why I wasn't better, why was I still in therapy, why was I still taking medications? My mind being in the state it was, this was not a good thing to hear. I started questioning myself again. My T and I spent a few more weeks discussing this and again I accepted it.

I continued to struggle, trying different medications and adding sessions to my already once a week schedule. Eventually I had to stop working and I went on disability. I was hospitalized for self-harming behavior and being suicidal with a plan. Eventually I stopped caring who knew. That's when I realized out how much I was loved and how much I loved. But even with my friends and family knowing, I still struggled with asking for help and I still do.

Now, I see my tdoc and pdoc each once a week and taking my meds.

I know it's hard, but try to dig deep down and find that courage you have to see your doctor. From what you describe, it sounds like it could be depression and there is help out there for you. As I discovered by not admitting I needed help, you are only prolonging your suffering.

And know, there are many of us just like you and feel what you are feeling. We can help you.

I think to have OCD, for this I have intrusive thoughts. I didn't say it to anybody, so I know that it's difficult. But I'd like to receive help too. I'm happy that some of you were able do ask for help...maybe also dir96 and I will be able to do it (I hope so!). Best wishes dir96

Thanks for your reply. Understandably you went through a lot and you are strong, everyone can see that by reading your post. One of your strongest moments of your life must have been asking for help I imagine?

dir96,

I can't say I felt strong. I felt an indescribable non-physical pain. I felt lost. Deep down I knew I needed help. Actually, I was afraid when I made those calls to talk to possible Ts. I was afraid when I went to my first appointment. I was afraid this T wasn't going to be able to help me.

What drove me to call was having constant panic attacks. I would run to the handicap stall in the ladies room to try to settle myself. I think I spent more time in the ladies room than I did working.

Even after seeing the T I didn't feel better because in actuality my depression and panic attacks where based on my brain chemistry. I wanted to be strong, I didn't want to admit something was wrong and I truly believed what I wrote at that time, but somewhere inside me I knew differently.

Those first few years so hard, but I am so glad I did because I was suffering. I still have episodic depression and panic, but I have 2 wonderful Ts to help me through.

if i didn't know better, i would think i wrote this

i am so isolated. don't talk to anyone hardly ever, have no desire to. been diagnosed bipolar, but not on any meds. can't afford it. finding a doctor, waiting for an appointment, then hoping i still feel like going when the appointment day comes is just way too much work

i am plagued by feeling ashamed and or guilty by my own behavior. i know it's magnified in my own head. but i feel like i'm wearing a neon sign that says "warning: unstable lunatic approaching"

and if anyone knew some of my darkest thoughts, i'd be committed

thanks for posting this. maybe it will help to know i'm not alone

hey sorry just saw this. My current dxs: generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, major depressive disorder. i also have obsessive & intrusive thoughts consistent with OCD, no compulsions though. I have a bit of body dysmorphia, but that's low down on the list of things i worry about..

I basically spent freshman year of college super miserable, and realllly homesick, so i think my mom picked up on that. finally one day i just broke down and told my mom how sad i was.. i didn't feel safe being on my own. Bc i was going to school in Massachusetts but my fam lives in Jersey, we decided it was best i take some time off. i took a semester off and did a whole bunch of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. this helped a bit, but only up to a point. I decided to transfer colleges and thought that with a change like that, i could potentially be okay. welllll that's not what happened. I then spent 2 years at Boston U. at the end of my 2nd year i really fell apart. my best friend and i got in a HUGE fight and she moved out. 2 months later my bf dumped me. so i was all alone in this apartment up in boston. at this point in time i was also weaning myself off of Klonopin. i got HORRIBLE withdrawals. shaking, loss of appetite, super panicky. one night after binge drinking (i do the same as you. binge drink, then feel horrible), actually it was after a cinco de mayo party we had haha, i had the worst anxiety attack i've ever had. usually marijuana can stop my panicky-ness, but even ripping a bong didn't help. LUCKILY i had an appointment with my psychiatrist that day. i told her that i felt horrible & have never been this bad. because i drink and smoke a lot of weed she suggested i go to a rehab. i had the doctor call my mom, because i was too ashamed of telling her any of this :/

but, turns out rehab wasn't right for me.. i was the only one there whose main problem was mental illness. basically, i was a depressed pothead sitting with a bunch of chronic alcoholics and heroine addicts. so i came home for a bit and saw my primary psychiatrist, she recommended a 4 week intensive in-patient Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) program at a hospital in Connecticut. i went, ended up staying for 6 weeks, and have been doing DBT since (this was last summer). DBT has helped enormously. lemme know if you have anymore questions, sorry i kind of was just rambling on.. i'll remember to check this thing tomorrow. Good luck

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has posted, knowing that other people feel how I do has helped me enormously, I have been to see my doctor and as embarrassing as me breaking down in front of her was, it feels like I have had a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. I have been referred to a mental health specialist and will have to check in with my GP again next week as she was concerned. Although some good has come out of this, having to explain to my mum what had been going on was NOT the highlight of my day. I felt as if she was more embarrassed of me then I was at myself at that point. When I mentioned 'mental health specialist' she reacted by saying 'don't be so stupid' and I could see how ashamed she felt. As I wiped away the tears I began to think telling her was definitely a mistake and that I will keep my family in the dark for now. I guess some people will just never understand

Dir96, you have been GREAT to talk with a specialist! You have been really brave doing this, and also talking with your mom...I understand that it's embarrassing. Maybe she said that because she wad worried for you...when she'll see that seeing a therapist helps you to feel better she'll agree with you. And if she however doesn't understand, don't listen and go on seeing your therapist, it's surely the best thing to do. But I wish you that she'll understand .
Best wishes for everything