One of the biggest questions i have right now, is how do i get people to accept me for being me? all my life i have had to keep secrets, witness things that i have had to bury deep inside myself. i have hidden behind a mask for so long, abiding by other peoples rules, liking what i think i should like, being who i think i should be. and led in bed last night, i was thinking... now i am dropping the mask, and allowing the real Simon Watts to surface, how do i get people to accept me for being me and to not keep trying to change me.

my family are all the same as eachother, they all agree with the same things, such as drinking yourself stupid, clubbing, even things like the same sort of music. all things that the real me detests! i am so different to them, i would say im stronger, more unique. most of the times i appreciate it, but today and yesterday has been different. i feel frustrated, because i am so unique (good or bad, im not to judge!) that i feel millions of miles away from everyone in my life. nobody i know shares my opinions, my likes, my dislikes. nobody respects me for who i am, instead, all they do is try to change me. thankfully i am strong enough to not let it happen, to continue being myself, against all odds. but some days it is so hard, and i just cry out for someone to just agree and support me. i can only do so much on my own.

and, as if by shear coincidence, i have just had a conversation with my sister and her friend who are staying around my place. her and her friend asked what i did for new year, and i said "nothing, i stayed in" which sparked a conversation between the two of them, and my sister was telling her friend how i dont drink, smoke etc and they were calling me boring, saying that they will take me out and take me to a pub and get me drunk. it got me thinking, why cant they respect i dont drink, and instead of condemning it and trying to change me, but to just say 'fair enough, i respect that'. WHY do i have to explain myself to them, WHY do i have explain my reasons for not drinking, WHY cant they appreciate that i am different, WHY do i need changing. the answer to all those is that i dont have to, i dont have to change, nor do i explain myself. but they sit there and look at me like im dirt, scum, something they would scrape off their shoes, as if im an alien. i suppose i am an alien to them, i am to everyone in my life because i am so different. i have so much depth to my character, that it would take ages for someone to get to know me truly. i wont drink for their sake, and i told them that. i was trying to be as polite as one can be, and i firmly said "it wont happen, i dont drink. end of!". to which they laughed, and the judging continued. all i had to do is to leave the room, to detatch myself once again, and retreat to my room where i have been for 2 days. alone. i know it sounds sad, maybe it is. but at least when im in my room it is my space, my only space in the world where i can relax, and be surrounded by the things i love, such as the music i love. but i am alone, and sometimes i cant face my own company. i have no friends because no one accepts that i am myself, and all they do is try to change me, and judge me. i would rather be alone than be one of them. i would rather be alone and be myself, than be shallow, someone who has tons of friends who arent actually friends, who only like you because you perform, you act as a character they want to act as. i dont want that, i never will. i know everyone isnt like that, and there are so many people out there who are similar to me, i only have to look at PC for that truth, but here, where i am, is lonely, and this town is populated with so many people who are so far from me, i doubt i will ever be connected with them. the only way i connect with others is through song. again, something no one around here shares, because they openly admit they dont like the music i like.

they will never see me for what i am, maybe it was my fault for leaving it 19 years to be my true self. who knows. to them i will always be a "wierdo", a "freak", an "alien", "boring". the ironic thing is, those were the names i was called when i wasnt being myself, when i was an alien to myself. i feel so detatched from the human race, the only thing that keeps me grounded is PC. in everyday life i always seem to be outside looking in, whereas with PC i am on the inside, and am able to observe the outside world. maybe thats why i class the members here at PC family, and not the people who populate my everyday life.

i will never change being myself, not now i have discovered myself. i will never BE what they want me to be, or DO what they want me to. i will always believe in what i have faith in, and i will stick to that too. my likes and dislikes may change with age, i can accept that. but i will never be influenced by people who arent happy with me being me. i can accept criticism, but only from those who are my friends.

i just always ask, how do i make them see me for me, and not change me? to just accept me and be proud of me for who i am, not what i am. to not change me, or alienate me for not being a sheep, for not following the crowds. sure, im glad i am an individual, but a one man war gets tiring sometimes, and it is a very lonely place. i long for someone to see me, to love me for me, and to not change me. i just hope it isnt far away.

simon

Simon, i'm the "different" one in my family. i left for college at 16 and didn't really go back for any length of time for 40 years. it is very hard when one's family judges and laughs at us. it's even harder when we know that we have depth and character and that we are good people.......and it isn't acknowledged by the very people we came from.

i don't know what the answer is to your problem, but i do know this..you are a very good person. you're a strong young man and i know you're gonna find a way out of this. i know that. it's going to take some doing and perserverance and perhaps some deprivation, but it will be worth it, to get to be your own person.

your sister and her friends aren't worth worrying about. going out and getting wasted is really a BIG deal???? no way. staying hom and staying sober is a big deal. too bad they haven't learned that.

this will pass and you'll be free. you're too much of a kind and loving spirit to not fly........i know that........love you, pat

[Boopers]

Wow Simon!!
Have I ever told you how proud I am of you? No? Well, I am!! You are an amazing human being!! Do you know that? No? Well, you are!!
I love it how strong you are. Don't ever change. You know who you are and it's sad, very sad that your family and friends don't understand it.
I would a hundred times rather be you than your friends and family.
Don't worry, you will find someone and when you do, you will know that you have found the right one. How do I know? Because you know yourself so well that you don't have to spend any time trying to figure that one out. That part is done. You know what you want and it's just a matter of time, that you will find it.
Stay strong. I know you will. But, just know I for one and VERY proud of you and who you are!!
Linda

[Laverne]

Simon, From what I read in your post you don't have any reason to try and make others accept you for who you are, you sound like a pretty special person to me just the way you are..
From your post it seems I'm quit a bit older then you and I have kids much older then you and I can say this I would be proud to have you as one of mine.
I spent most all of my life trying to get my family to accept and would swallow my own beliefs and feelings and take on theirs just so I would feel loved and accepted.
Til not to many yrs ago something really big happened and woke me up, I no longer have contact with those in my family that can not and will not accept me for who and what I am, it took me way to long to figure out how much better off I am to cut those people out of my life that can not accept me.
I'm not recommending you do that, only as a last resource if they can not accept and love you for who you are.
You can't make people change, think about it, you have no intentions of changing who you are for them and I'm pretty sure they feel the same way.
The difference is that it sounds to me like you really have it together and good for you !!
Laverene

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there Simon. It sounds like you have made a good start on living a sane, balanced life when all around you are dysfunctional. That's not easy, and I'm with those who say, "Bravo!"

Drunks, by the way, (a) are in denial about their dysfunction -- completely totally completely blind to it and (b) need to get other people in their tippy little boat to reassure themselves that they're okay. I was a drunk for a long time and spent a lot of year getting sober and a lot of years after that getting sane.

You are so ahead of the game to be where you are at your age instead of wasting half or more of your life in pubs with drunks.

I believe that you will meet up with other people who are like you, share you values, and your interests. It may take longer than you'd prefer, as most of us want things yesterday, but I am sure of it.

Hang in there.

[SeptemberMorn]

Simon, you know what I think of you and how much I admire you. What's more important is that you know yourself better than any of us here know you and YOU LOVE YOURSELF! You've got such a head start on life, it's incredible!

However, don't think your family is ever going to accept who and what you are... simply because you are as different from them as day is from night.

When I was growing up, my mom didn't accept who I was and was always critizing me to all of the extended family as well as in front of them. Now that I'm an old lady, my own kids don't accept me for who I am. My so-called husband doesn't accept big parts of who I am. He, too, has his own pre-conceived notions of who I am. I don't have a 3D friend that knows me inside and out and accepts who and what I am. They tolerate me.

But you know what? It's me I go to sleep with at night. It's me that has to live inside of me. It's me that has to listen to my conscience... NOT them!

Yeah, it hurts! Yeah, it's lonely sometimes! But in the end, I'm the one that will have to answer to God about what I did and didn't do... NOT them!

You're still very young. You've got your life ahead of you and like I said, you've got a wonderful start. You will find a group of your own kind of people that you'll have more in common than you do your blood family. Spread you wings, young man... and FLY! And fly you will! You won't ever find yourself at the bottom of a bottle, or smoking the last cigarette, or taking that last overdose of an illegal drug, or in some pit of depravity from where there is no escape.

A friend once told me, when I was complaining of being lonely "Don't be more lonely than is right for a small eagle to be." The operative word there is EAGLE. Think about it, Simon. I'm calling YOU and eagle! Soar, my friend! SOAR!

Simon, I wish we were neighbors! I find drinking, partying people to be the bores. All they do is play follow-the-leader instead of thinking for themselves and developing their own interests.

You're a gem, Simon. Celebrate your individuality--it isn't something that just anyone has the guts for!

ECHOES

[sparkling]

Hi Simon,

I can identify with most of what you said. I'm quite a freak myself. And IMO it's a positive trait. I was like that since I can remember, never fit anywhere.

I always had trouble making friends - I liked different music, dressed differently, had different interests, liked to spend my free time differently than my peers. I live in my own little world and try not to let too much reality in. I find my hobbies pretty interesting - they can be useful in future and they are good at dulling everything around me. I rather like the person I am. I don't like the way I'm acting sometimes (laziness, irresponsibility, indecisiveness, putting unpleasant or boring chores/homework off until tomorrow and of course my tendency towards depression) but I think it will go away when I finally decide to grow up (except maybe the depression).

I can tell you if I was to choose a friend I'd choose you and not your sister. I don't like shallow people too. Time spent with them is a wasted time. Their lives seem as boring to me as mine seems boring to them. I too couldn't just go and spend all my day getting drunk in a pub with a bunch of people I hardly know - IMO it's not fun.

My family too doesn't like the way I am - we practically don't talk to each other now. And it's really better this way - fewer fights = less stress. I remember when several years ago we went to visit family - I got tired of listening about my aunt's new romance (yet another one) so I excused myself and went outside to play with the dog. After we got back home my mother threw a fit about me being antisocial and hopeless and boring and why I cannot be like my cousin (who was giggling and chattering all the time) and what a shame I am to her and how she's not going to go anywhere with me from now on. So if I visit anyone now (and it happens really rarely, I'm not very fond of my family) I go alone. They finally left me to my own world and I'm glad for it.

But think about it, you are practically adult, in a couple of years you will move away (I suppose) so you won't have to deal with your family on a daily basis. You'll meet new people who are more accepting, who share your interests... and someone who'll love you as well, I'm sure.

I met someone who shares some of my interests last year and accepts the rest - he's more prone to socializing and less pessimistic than I am but I think we understand each other pretty well. I think we may become good friends one day.

As for your question - I don't know. I don't think there's anything you could do. You just have to meet the right people. And you will, I assure you. Just remember, you are the person you are going to spend your whole life with. And if you don't like this person it's going to be a very hard several dozen years for you.

Whew... it was a bit long. Just wanted to let you know that I understand most of what you're going through.

Hugs, you are worth more than all of them together,

sparkling

by the way.............if Simon is going to be anyone's son here, i'm throwing my big cowgirl hat into the ring!!!

Thank you everyone. it is nice to know i have people who care for me and accept me for being me.

this new year has got off to a bad start, im the first to admit it. emotionally ive been quite low, but today i feel better. i feel positive again. i am happy to be myself, and i am optimistic about the future. but sometimes i get so low, that i lose sight of that and i sink into some sort of pity mode where i cant find anything nice about myself. thats partly why im questioning this Bipolar thing. but i dont want to think about that right now.

Boopers, thank you for your kind words, it means alot to me it really does. i have no intentions of changing, not for anyone. SeptemberMorn was right, i am the one who has to go to sleep with myself every night, and i have to live with myself everyday, no one else.

Laverne, i think one day, when i am old enough i will leave this place, and i will become distant with my close family. i ahve an uncle and auntie who i appreciate being around, i dont see them very often, they were the ones that came on holiday over christmas, and often i wish i was their child, just because they seem more understanding and open-minded. but, we cant chose our family, i have this family and i cant change that, what i can change is the amount of time i spend with them and the damage they can cause. thank you for your kind words too Laverne.

i agree with you completely, Wants2Fly, people who drink alot drink to escape themselves. and they do do it with others who are the same just so they arent on their own, it makes them feel they are right for doing what they do.

SeptemberMorn, the "eagle" line has got me thinking, alot more than i expected actually. i like it. and its true too, thank you for that. i admire you too SM, you mean alot to me, so do many others here at PC.

Echoes, i wish we were neighbours too, i am sure we would get on...and you live in Florida, ive always wanted to go there hehe. but you are right, they do follow the leader, and i for one certainly dont want to live someone elses life, just because they tell me too. i think thats what they cant accept - all these people around me - they cant accept that i will do my own thing, whether they like it or not, maybe it frustrates them. who knows?

Sparkling....nice post, very interesting to read. its nice for me to know that there are people out there just like me, who can live a happy life. normally im very optimistic, and i usually look for the best in any given situation, and usually i look for the best in people. my dad always tells me "always look for the worst in people, that way you cant get hurt" but to be honest, i hate that idea of life - look for the worst and be smug when it happens!! - not for me at all. when he says that to me i reply "look for the best, and expect to find it" they all live such unhappy lives, god only knows how i managed to grow up being myself, it astounds me sometimes, it really does!!

and pat, or fayerody hehe (was only recently i found out what your name meant lol, after how long of knowing you!!) FaithIsAlive has already adopted me as her new son hehe, and Biplol is my new big sis, i have started to extend my family hehe, and anyone who wants to join is more than welcome, especially you pat.

sorry for the long post, i always feel i have to acknowlegde the help people offer, and be grateful for it. which i am, i am so grateful that you all took the time to help me. i fele very reassured of myself and happy to be an individual, unique. so for that, thank you.

love you all!

simon

[withit]

I'm very different from all the other members of my family. I dress different, I think different, I'm a non-conformist. When I complained of feeling alone and unaccepted by my family my T said that eventually I will find the 'right' people, people who are my 'type' and are accepting of me. Sure enough, I did eventually find them folks.
Funny, how one of them folks, whose acqaintance I made about a year ago, introduced me this week to one of her friends. It became very clear to me from the get-go that this friend of hers is the judgmental "non-accepting-of-non-conformists" type and therefore I did not pursue the relationship.
However, with family it's different. I don't want to cut off from family. As Harriet Lerner writes in her book, The Dance of Anger, cutoff is a way of managing our anxieties. The way I've learned to deal with family is that I relate to them rather superficially, don't get into much self-disclosure if any, don't get into topics that will ignite ires.... More like, hi, how are you, how are the kids, how's work, what are your vacation plans, can I help you with anything, love you, bye bye.
I have found that finding those folks who are accepting of me is an antidote to the feeling of rejection I feel from my-very-different-and-non-accepting-family.

[withit]

I can relate to the pain of not being accepted by family. As human beings we want to be accepted for who we are by whoever we meet, especially our nearest and dearest.

We cannot force anyone to be accepting of us. However, through the process of grieving we can mourn the absence of unconditional acceptance of our family. And come out of the process with a greater appreciation of their limitations and our needs, and how to best meet those needs.

[Fuzzybear]

[Numbers]

I know what you mean Simon. I've spend so much time trying to be liked by my family, and be understood. But I don't think I ever realy have been, and I've lived many wierd places and met a lot of wierd people, and none of them realy accepted me. Even the people who are nice to me still call me wierd, and say they don't get me. But then I have never realy understood them either, so I can't realy expect them to be understanding of my ways. Sometimes you have to be the one to start. If you show them that you are willing to accept their ways, maybe they'll accept yours too.
I've been called arrogant by people many times because I only stuck to my own ways, and didn't want to try theirs. It's important always to be yourself, but it's also important to be open. I know you are because you been very open to me, but I know from myself that it's harder to be open to people who I know to be a certain way.. like my family, or a person I know but never have talked to.
Just before Christams I wrote a christmas card to my sister, It didn't say much.. mostly about the weather, no feelings or anything. I'm scared of my sister and she's nothing like me and calls me wierd and all those things. Today I got a letter back from her, and she said she liked my card and some other normal things. It's the first possitive connection we've had in years, even if it dosn't seem like much. I thought she hated me, but she actually took the time to reply, and even though I thought I didn't like her I was actually happy for it.
Just remember that your family probably haven't shed their masks yet. If they are so much like each other, it's probably because they try to be. It's always easier and most people choose the easy way.

[biiv]

Simon i know what you mean. i was always totally different growing up and ive continued it all my life. when i go home now i get the weirdest looks and comments and peoplel ask me accusatory questions and try to dictate how i should live my life. and this is before i tell them much about myself except the superficial stuff!
it made me totally miserable to feel like an alien looking on at the rest of the world but completely alone and divorced from it but i found that the better i got to know myself the more i realised i needed to get out of the town and the social circle i was in (mostly made up of my school friends, family and family friends).
i went to college when i turned 18 and then did some travelling and it opened up an entirely new world literally. i know that sounds cliche but im really tired and it is true! i met so many people that i could sit with for hours and talk to! not only that but i could make references to things or make jokes and comments and they would know what i was talking about and visa versa! it was such a revelation. ive never looked back and i couldnt even begin to think of living in my home town again. now when i go home and i meet people i used to know its still like im an alien looking on at their world but it looks so small compared to the huge one ive discovered for myself.
i think since you seem to know yourself so well already and have a good grasp of your personality that its only a matter of time before you re ready to leave the situation you re in and find the place you belong with people who will not only respect you but admire you as you deserve to be admired and supported! it will happen simon. hang in there until then and keep coming here where you are appreciated!
biiv