Feeling like I should end it all

This is not an emotional thread, I don't feel depressed and I am not in tears. I think it's time I ended my life, but I don't know how to go about it. I see no reason to continue, and my life is just junk. I'm 35 and I just feel like I am marking time until I die. So I would like to expedite the process.

I don't have any specific plans at the moment, so this is not a suicidal post. I don't know how I'm going to do it really, or even if I can.

Don't want to come off all Elliot Rodger, but I feel rejected by the world. Just don't fit in, not good enough to do anything, and even if I could achieve some things I don't think I would be able to appreciate them.

So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Rock = continue with my current 'existence'. Hard place = suicide.

Why not make it what you do want instead if what it is?



This a video on a fixed vs growth mindset. It's about learning style but I think it applies to a lot of life. The idea is some of us were told we did well because we were smart and some of us because we worked hard. This is in line with the idea I read about in Malcolm Gladwell's outliers where anyone can become an expert with 10,000 hours worth of effort...you just have to set a goal and put in the time. I'm not sure what you want out of life but set your goals and try and I recommend something that involves helping other people because it rewarding and socially connecting.

Well, let's look at a few points here. You said you feel rejected by the world and don't fit in. You come here and seem to connect to others. Have you been rejected here? Do you feel like you don't fit in here? If you felt that way, then I'd think you wouldn't come here to air your feelings and beliefs. Secondly, you mentioned you're not good enough to do anything but you wrote a very decent posting as far as spelling and grammar is concerned. It may not seem like a gigantic achievement to you but there are many who can't write as well as you did. So, you have achieved something as miniscule as you may judge it.

You'll never know if you'd appreciate something different until you try. You may be in for a big surprise. The outcome may change your outlook on just how capable you are.

For a moment, pretend you're someone else, your circumstances are very different and you're reading the post you wrote. How would you respond to it? Give yourself a chance to think in a different perspective.

It's not at all easy by any stretch of the imagination, and life is a mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly for lots of people. We just keep trying each day to keep afloat and weather the storms, and then fully enjoy the opportunities that arise that give us a chance to feel joy and have a good laugh.

Bottom line is you are the owner of your life, and ultimately only you can decide which direction is best. I hope you decide you are worthy and can wait for that possible opportunity to feel joy and laugh again.

Hey IT-

I was very surprised by this. I've read many of your posts and we have chatted a bit and you are very funny. But now the darkness is trying to take you and there is nothing funny about that.

Remind yourself that you have been in this dark place before. Most of us have. Remind yourself that if you stick around, you may go through it again. But I hate to see that damn monster win. I am almost twice your age but I remember that my mid thirties were the hardest time for me.
Society says you should be at a certain place in your life right now-that you should have accomplished certain things and have certain goals.

But we have to have different rules than society, because we are different. And that certainly isn't a crime punishable by death. I know that you are not being dramatic, and I understand it is not neccessarily the depression that is guiding this decision. Sometimes the apathy is even worse.

And the lack of self esteem makes it so difficult to break out of this cycle.
Isn't there one thing you have a faint spark of interest in? One thing you might explore that might take your focus off death for awhile? If I may suggest something, google 'cave paintings in France'. What makes it so special is that it is the earliest sign of man attempting to communicate through art. The paintings are 32,000 years old.

This is a decision only you can make. But if you take your life, you take something good from the world. You take your future and what it might turn out to be. You take what you mean to other people. And you let the monster win. Hang in there just for a little while. You know this will go away, as it always does, and you know that for us we have to hang on by tooth and nail sometimes, waiting for it to pass.

This is a kinship here-we are all damaged by abuse or illness and we all have to fight it day by day. And for the most part, I think we love each other, not from knowing each other in a personal way, but from being connected by the whims of life that have knocked us around until we feel worthless. I love you and I would be so sad to see you go. Please pm me-I promise I will listen to anything you need to say and I know how to keep a confidence. So please write. And go take a look at the caves. Sometimes it takes something remarkable to help put things in perspective.

I am rooting for you. Tea

Thank you for your responses, I have eaten some cornflakes and am feeling momentarily stable. I will have a look at that youtube video.

I just want to say, you're one of my favorite people here, IT. I mean it. You're really funny and witty. I know how it feels to get older and not have accomplished much in life, or reached your dreams, believe me. But there's still time. Seriously, we here would all miss you!

Why don't you speak to your crisis team or cpn or make an appointment with your GP or simply go to the emergency room

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V
M. Md

Hi, IT, wow can I relate to what you have written.

It's odd, because I could think of some things to say to you to try to change your mind - some really logical, sensible things. So why is it so much harder to do that for ourselves?

I feel life to be an endurance test, I don't fit in, don't find fulfilment in things, I try to make the best of each day and tell myself there is much to be thankful for - but..............................

I do wonder if it is depression - despite thinking it is not - are thoughts of suicide really within normal human existence, or do they equate so some malfunction in our neurons?

I hope you can find a way through how you feel right now - I haven't given up yet.

Take care - Soup

I think it's more than that, it's just a realisation that I will not be able to reach a basic level. This is what I've been chasing all my life, just a basic suburban existence, and even that seems out of reach

Don't think there's much they can do; it's all about how crappy my life is lol.

IT, what would you like to be achieving at this point in your life?

As folks say, we care about you here. I love your humor.

I had it all, so to speak, and my illnesses have led me to a place where I am hurting most all the time, in a fog, can't work. But being able to come here and help out makes it all worthwhile.

Hey IT,
I don't know you well, but I also love your humour!
I hurt nearly all the time (because of my illnesses), can't work etc.. (hardly ever use words ) but still come here and peek out of my cave occasionally when a thread moves me like this thread has. For what it's worth, I care

Surely they have duty of care to keep you safe take it while you can

It hasn't been all that long since you went to rehab, they say the first year is the hardest. Not just the quitting but everything you face and do in rehab is hard. Give yourself some time to recover from the intensity of rehab.

You say 35 like it's old age, now days it's not even middle age you have lots of time left. I'm among those who enjoy your posts and would miss them.

I think I would like to be able to work, and to work at a decent job. I have been under employed or unemployed my entire life really. I don't know if that's just due to mental illness, but it certainly does narrow my options a whole lot. Basically I am a bum and I don't see that changing anytime soon

I would like to have a few friends in real life. Just some people to socialise with so that I don't get caught up in my anxieties and depression.

I would also like other things, but i think these are the main two.

I am not looking for any answers really, just saying.

I don't think I'm a danger to myself really. I should be able to discuss these things with my rehab people, but for some reason am reluctant to do so. I need a life transplant. Someone to just set me up with a job, a few friends, a new wardrobe, and so on. And maybe this gets maintained every year. Then I think things would be ok.

IT You have to be one of the funniest and smartest unstable people I have met Big hugs.. keep eating corn flakes.......... are those gluten free

Yes the brand I eat are sans-gluten, you bought them for me, remember?

I am feeling better today, but I am cautious.

What would you like to do that you feel you can't? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? You say that you don't fit in....describe that. I never fit in either (whatever that means)...People who have done amazing things.......didn't fit in either. Don't give up on yourself....you never know what can be or happen. I am 67 and I used my life story and won a scholarship.......we all have painful stuff. I hope you will stay with us.....there is only one you.....on the planet.....xxoxo...Is there something you have always wanted to do?

I hope you feel better soon!!! sometimes it just takes time, just stick it out for awhile and the good feelings may return. also see a doc or t if possible. You CAN feel better with the help of others here and in you situation now.

Do you have any income? If so depending on if there are activities you like you could maybe use some for that and try and meet people that way. Or if there is anyone you know who could introduce you to people? Many people I've met are friends of my brother because he knows a lot of people.

Aside from that I have met a couple people I started talking to online, but that can be a hit and miss for sure. Just some thoughts, because I know how much it can suck having no one to socialize with...even now that i know some people I am still stuck alone wishing I had someone to talk to quite often...

You are obviously, cared about by a lot of people here, including me. That should tell you that you have worth and you can make friends. Hang in there. We're here for you.

I think i can make some friends by going to meet up groups. I just need the motivation to go I think.

That makes sense, it can be difficult to get the motivation...I also get anxious about things like that as well.