[Bamboo_RedPanda]

Ugh, I'm so confused, stuck in my same cycle, but unable to find answers, and any time I try to ask questions or explain things it either gets jumbled up or that little negative voice comes up and says "why are you even saying this, this is stupid" (or something along those lines). I want to talk, but I feel I can't talk, because if I talk things will get out of control, and people will start to hate me, and eventually never talk to me again. Vicious cycle. I want to talk, I want to speculate, I want answers, but I'm afraid of people leaving or thinking poorly of me, so I don't.

I tried posting in the Borderline forum, but as I've never been diagnosed with anything (primarily going off of a bunch of people saying that I sound or seem borderline, even someone I've known since middle school), I feel like I'd be an outcast and looked down upon, especially since the post would be one of those where the answer would be "go seek a professional" (which I can't, because money is water in my hands, because I get it and then it's gone, spent on unnecessary things). I already feel a bit like a social outcast here, done and said some things (maybe I'm the only one beating myself up about that).

I want to talk, but I can't I'm so confused.

[geis]

I hear you. I've been there (sometimes I think I live there), and it's an awful place to be stuck.

I'm not going to give you some pep talk because those never help me.

I'll just say that I'm listening and I hear you. You don't have to be perfect to deserve to be heard. And you do deserve to be heard.

[ChipperMonkey]

Can you take a risk and try to open up? I think that may help us help you.

Of course nobody but a professional can diagnose you, so I wouldn't worry so much about people telling you that you appear to be borderline. Other people can be notoriously inaccurate when throwing around mental disorders. I've had a few thrown at me, but no professional believes that I have them. A lot of disorders overlap so its important to get a professional opinion as soon as you are able to.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Bamboo RedPanda, well I'd say that you've made a great start by starting to open up to/share how you're feeling with us. And thank you, it can't be easy for you.
I'm sorry that you're feeling that others in your life (or just people in general??) will judge you poorly if you just let go of the kind of things things you're thinking/feeling but can you think of any reason you feel that way??
Have people walked away from you before, not made you feel accepted or any experiences that have made you feel "less" than, or caused you to judge yourself poorly for example???
Maybe if you could tell us a little more???
And please don't worry about being treated like you're "second best"/not worthy, or people feeling badly towards you, there are a lot of non-judgmental people on here, and what you're feeling matters. So if we can try to help you, be there for you............
Now doesn't matter if you say something you think is "stupid", if you're saying what you're thinking/feeling it isn't stupid, and doesn't matter if things come out jumbled up, we can hopefully get there if you stick with it/us, OK??
So why not have a go at telling us a bit more about what's been happening for you, and maybe if we can help you feel "accepted", like you deserve to be, you'll be able to do that for yourself, and allow other people in to give you that acceptance (plus valuing, caring for you too).
Right here for you.............

Alison

Come join us in the BPD forums if you like.

It would probably be best to avoid one of those "do you think I'm" posts. There really isn't anything we can do in that respect but if you can relate to what you're reading then you're input is certainly welcome (as far as I'm concerned anyway) and if we can relate I'm sure you will also find support.

I know that I can relate to your feelings on not being able to open up.

[Ripose]

I would suggest trying some of the quizzes here. They may help to give you a little focus. If each quiz suggests that you suffer from that disorder don't worry. Try to think about which quiz resounded the most with you.

I score high on disorders that I have never been diagnosed with but they do definitely make me think about the given disorder and after some time has passed I will redo the quizzes to see which quizzes I still score the same (or near) on. Doing this helped me narrow my focus on what questions to ask and what forum(s) to read.

I wish you all the best Bamboo_RedPanda.

[Bamboo_RedPanda]

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure why I feel like I can't talk about these things, I know people have said that I can, I think I'm afraid that if I do they'll think something negative of me and then not talk to me ever again, which I don't want.

I guess it's just based off of a history of losing person after person, first my dad, then my aunt, then a bunch of friends (more complicated stories than that, but then the post would be very long). That's my best guess, when I look at my history I just see good people come in and then they're gone. So if I do anything to upset or put off those still in my life, they might leave too and I'll be even more lonely.

Recently that's happened again. People I thought really cared about me, suddenly not talking to me, and I think it's my fault I drove them away, so instead I get angry at them, tell them off, driving them away. I've done it so much that I just feel a bit isolated. Even those that seem pretty intent on sticking around, I don't trust them to do that, so if something seems just a little off, like they're upset with me about something, I get annoyed. First I ask numerous questions, and then I start calling them names and saying mean things to them, but if they give me a reason, suddenly I act like it was no big deal to begin with and start again.

It's all complicated, and I just don't know if I can talk to anyone about it, but obviously it's bothering me. I feel so lonely, I don't want to feel lonely

[Bamboo_RedPanda]

Forgot to state, I actually have taken the bpd test periodically, and it always comes back has likely or severely likely....... (in response to Ripose)

[Imaworrywart]

Hello Friend. I'm super new here but your post struck me as "Wow! You and I have something in common." Is it any wonder why I prefer this kind of communication over the face to face? One reason, because I write better than I speak. Also, when I speak face to face, so many times, mid-sentence, my hearer (different than listener) will disconnect by 1) directing their attention to someone who has interrupted the conversation 2) taking a call or making one. 3) giving the glazed eyes look that tells me they were never interested in the first place. Haha! None of you can do that here and I won't know if you've already stopped reading my posts to move on to someone more interesting. Internet is the way to go! So, feel free to write out your thoughts. You can be sure that someone here can relate to how you're feeling.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Bamboo RedPanda, if you've lost a bunch of people close to you then it's understandable that you might have some abandonment issues............
And maybe a bit of you pushing people away (or not being able to talk with them??) is about you trying to protect yourself........???
I mean if you're expecting them to be turning their backs on you anyway............
But you know it really is great that you're seeing that you have those problems
It shows a lot of insight, instead of making it about everyone else, you're seeing some of the things you need to work on or need help with So respect, "just" recognizing those things can be the key to start the journey in moving on.
And yes, good people can end up moving on/away at times through no fault of their own, through no fault of anyone's.........but you know it's got to be worth really making the time they're around count, and in treasuring them, and what they left you if they go away, right??
And as people leave there will be other good people to step in there in time.........not to replace those gone but to add to what they left you.
And for anyone who turns their back on you, well you know perhaps see it as "things were good, but they just weren't meant to work out"???
Then again, of course they may not actually be turning their back sometimes...........could be that they have issues of their own and are just not able to be there at that time...........
But then I'm thinking I'm reading the recognition that it might not be "your fault" in your very insightful post!!!

Alison