Rockin Survivors

Oh Lizi!!!! I was astounded when you said that about the Dr.'s I am so glad you corrected yourself! . LOL whew. Oh, Im doing good on the no smoking.How about you? Cept for one little puff Im smoke free. I forgot how many days, thats how unorganized I am.
I will be with you in spirit and behind you 100% on Monday. I think we are all connected, you know? I will lend you some power, Im very brash. You can lend me some tact, I badly need some. <---this says pizza, I thought is was a computer...LOL Oh it's faux pas. (fow paw LOL)
Cardznutz, I like your list. I think everything you make the effort to do is good. I also think it's great that your here on PC with us. I just don't know what else to say right now. Just hold on, I feel like help is on the way. Im praying my wings off for you right now. Write me if you want to.
Hey bombshell whatcha doing? Im up to 150 crunches per day. Even on sundays. I hate them.
I wish stigmastomper would read this, he rules.
Hey survivors. I love all your lists. Im bad with names. How about some more lists, any ideas?

bye guys Im in a rush just wanted to
"reach out and touch someone"
Dulcinea

Hi James... hope you're speaking to me after my faux paw.... dang it.... D told me how to spell that and all I can remember is the first half of it. She laughed at me too. What a meany. You'd think my french would be better than that since I'm a canuck and all. I've been shamed by our yanky friend. I'll never live it down!!!

I thought your video clip was funny. Since we're all new here I can't speak for the crowd but I got a laugh amid my blushing of course. lol.

I know what you mean too.... I'm feeling pretty aged myself with the casual explicitness of our times. Too much. Saw a commercial the other night about some treatment for the enlargement of a certain male body part and I couldn't believe those people. Talking like they were chatting over coffee about the latest shampoo or something. Too much for my puritan sensibilities. To be liberated!!! I'll never find my way back 'in the scene' with my old fashioned views.

A guy I chatted with the other week on one of those on-line dating sites (if you can image... I went on to see if I could get anyones attention.... surprised when I did... it was fun for a while but they've all gone into hiding since)... anyways this guy was telling me that the tables have turned. Most of the single women out there... even or maybe especially at our age are just looking for a little action now and then but no commitment to steady relationships. He said it wasn't his scene and I told him it definately wasn't mine... hey maybe that's why I never heard back from him... lol... he lied!!! Or maybe he thinks its my turn to connect with him. He'll wait forever before that happens. lol.

It's a whole different world than the one I thought I lived in. I've been stuck in a time warp I think. I'm still expecting the man to call me up and politely invite me to a hockey game or a visit to the newest gallery opening or dinner and dancing.... which I'd turn down and try to get a hockey game out of him instead... before I'd even consider any romance. They're expecting me to make the moves and rondezvous (sp? oh my bad french again...) for the occasional trist when the mood stricks. I didn't even know what a trist was until a couple of months ago when my girl friend used the word. lol. One good thing.... the men out there seem to know how to cook.... gourmet no less!! So they say... lol.

Guess I'll be calling my friends up more often instead of all that nonsense.. lol. Ain't life funny. I'm blushing but I'm not really laughing... oh what the hey.... lol.

You never seize to amaze me Blondie... Whatever possessed you to learn hip hop?!! Ya gotta send me a video of that. Not the one after you've mastered it cuz I have no doubt you will... I want to see the one of you learning it. That must be worthy of 'america's funniest'. A grown woman... a blonde woman at that.... bopping to hip hop... seems to have put you into some mighty fine spirits though. That's gotta be worth it right there.

I made mention of your hip hop in my blog. I did as you asked and shared about the medicine wheel. You'll have to go and check it out. It's a novella. Also added some new stuff about the pow wow so go check it all out when you get some time between dance lessons and the gym and the batting cage.... phew I get tired just writing about your busy life!!!

Take care and keep on having fun hey!!

I know D!!! Wasn't that just aweful of me. I still can't believe I did that. I'd give anything to be able to edit or even trash that posting. slap my hand!!! OMG.... I'm loosing it... that's my only excuse. Can't blame the drugs anymore... well not those drugs anyways. Now its all legal and I'm still out to lunch.

That's funny about the pizza box. I almost did the same thing once too. I thought it was a laptop too. Yes faux pas... I read your post before I replied to cardz video post and by the time I got over to him I'd forgot how to spell it again. Like I say I've lost it. My brain is mush half the time. That's what I'm afraid is going to happen to me on Monday. I'll forget why I'm even there.

I'm still just thinking about quitting smoking. I'm actually smoking more the last few days it seems. Thanks for your encouragement about Monday. I'm going to need all the help I can get just to get myself out the dang door. Might actually go into the city tonight so that I get myself there in stages. what a goof i am hey.

LMAO.

OMG - Video,,,you want video? It would be far too unsafe to have video equipment in that dance studio with a bunch of middle aged white women (hope I don't offend anyone with that comment but's true...white people generally are NOT the best dancers and we certainly proved that without a shadow of a doubt) trying to making the world go round with spins that 'take the next girl out'. That equipment would be pure junk by the end of that class for sure!!!!!!!

The woman next to me joined with her daughter, she 'passed gas' the whole time. There is one man in the group. I think he joined as a support to his girlfriend. That took guts! He stands in the back row with the rest of us lackies!!! I nearly killed him twice! Poor guy probably won't dance beside me anymore. We laughed so freaking hard though through most of the class that I don't know what had us sweating more...the dancing or the giggling...well or the flatulence!!! LOL

What possessed me to learn hip hop? It is a combo of 3 things... Firstly I want to be able to keep up with my pre-teen daughter that seems to know all the steps. Secondly, I am a musician, and I thought it might be helpful if I knew a few steps to do on stage during performances. And well as a side note...we all know that I am a masochist so if I kill myself or another person in the class...that would be sheer icing on the cake!!!!!

Honeslty..it is fun. Of course our instructor is a young RWB trained dancer that danced with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers dance team and has many credits to her resume. She is a little sprite that really gets the class going and has lots of energy. She's great but us old ladies in the class that need help keeping up to her...wanna kill her too!!! LOL She's so cute.

I'm very excited about learning this new thing. Doubtful about mastering it, but just learning it is a step that I never felt I would take. I enjoy it and it gives me a chance to meet about 20 other women in my community and get to know like minded people outside of my normal activities.

Can't wait til next week's class. I already have forgotten all the steps!!!

ABT

I can understand if this post has to be removed, but I thought it needed to be (for my sake) posted. Once again the evil doctor Long (Gone), has raised the bar in psychotic, paranoid, sociopathic behavior. This is proof that he not only is haunting my blog, and chasing after me, but is caught in his own web of lies. He stated he removed all L:T's posts at her request. He removed all my posts (so he said) because my real name was in them. This image proves that is not only not the case, but he cannot keep his stories straight.


I want to get past this, I had even thought about not persuing my complaint to the College of Physicians and Surgeons about him, but this "latest" truth about him puts that at an end. I know I could have doctored this image to say anything I want to say, but this is the true screen capture. If I edited it to say, "I am on a witch hunt to erradicate any and all mention of cardznutz." it would be closer to the truth. I ask you is this a way to have a doctor act and purport himself?

I find the good doctor's behavior, his thoughts, actions and deportment to be offensive to me, the comments of others and posts of others, including my own were not offensive. I am at a loss to explain how my actions, words and thoughts can be a threat to a medical doctor, safe and dormant in his home.

If I can be a threat, then I intend to become one!

Chocolatelover

I admit to being a bit shocked, (not offended but confused), and a little upset by your referring to Dr. L as having been trying to motivate me. I tried as I might to understand where that was coming from, how you could see his actions in any way motivational (other than to get a negative reaction which I admit he has constantly been doing the past month).

I see now how by changing the reference to be that of Dr. King, it makes much more sense. She constantly manipulated me (with my knowledge more often than not) to try and motivate me to move on, become more, and find more to be. Unfortunately without her, I do not find myself able to muster even a half hearted attempt any longer. No doubt, and maybe this was not healthy, my desire to please her, gain her praise and admiration (dare I say caring and love?) led me to try harder than for any other reason I can think of myself. You have to understand my relationship was very special with Dr. King.

It transcended Doctor patient relationship, it grew to be a platonic perhaps chivalrous love akin to the love a knight of old would have for a woman once met and never to see again. A glorious love, a pure love, with no thought to physical fulfillment or contact. In time of stress, battle, or joust, the knight would dedicate his actions, his deeds, his feats and his victory to his love. She may never have known, or she may have known to some degree, but the love in it's pure sense needed no response.

Such was the power of my relationship with Dr. King. I would jump through hoops to get back to being a patient in her care, if she would have me...however sometimes, in my black mind state, I think I drove her to give up her practice, I was too much of a crazy for even her to deal with.

James,

Do what you need to do NOW! You know what I am talking about....what we discussed in chat last night. Since the Doc is haunting your internet activities I will not reitterate what that is here.

ABT

Hi James.... I'm sorry that I have triggered your anger again. It's not what dr l said or did but its me bringing his name into our lives again. My mxing up names has really made a mess of things it would seem. There is nothing new about his posting. It's just more of the same old same old that we'd come to expect.

We were doing so well there for a while making a new home for ourselves here. Taking steps, even baby steps to look ahead rather than behind. I get that you are angry and yea it seems like the hits just keep on coming but can we really expect anything different? Did you really expect him to have an apiphany and wake up one day and see the light? It's not going to happen. Not ever. He is who he is and as far as the others there are concerned he's a fine man and an even finer doctor. That might tick us off and stir up the righteous anger in us and it might push us to want to 'rescue the innocent' but like I've said before the innocent, the niave don't want rescuing. They don't see things in black and white. Some of us need to live in the grey zone.

There is nothing to be gained and so much to be lost by going back there to find more fuel for the fire. I deliberately don't go back there for this very reason. I left a number of 'wrong dr. L position statements' hanging cuz it's just not useful for me to engage in any more back and forths with him. Past behaviour are the best predictor of future behaviour so I know there is no way to settle this other than to get off the pot.

We are the mentally ill. The 'official power elite' will push us aside and only make it worse for us. That is the reality. Any hopes that 'right is might' are just an illusion. Any energy spent hoping for anything contrary can come out of further engagement with anyone on this subject is a waste. It will only serve to slow down our efforts to find a better path. To settle in to a new home here and focus on our recovery even if it is slow as a turtle's pace some days.

I don't mean to sound defeated or in denial about anything.... to the contrary I am determined to celebrate being a survivor. Adding this to my list of experiences in my life that I have survived. I will not be broken. I will move forward and accept that what happened happened and be grateful I don't have to subject myself to any more of that stuff again. It won't be the first time I've had to give up my search for justice. Sometimes justice is served by my letting go. I've witnessed it before at the college I had to leave. I saw change happen there because of what happened to me. I didn't fight for it. I didn't do anything more than walk away with my principles in tact. I didn't run away like I first thought but I walked away from a place that was unhealthy and I denied people who seemed to get some kind of pleasure from taking shots at me. I walked away and time took care of my business. Those folks got theirs in the end. I didn't have to say a word. My walk was my talk.

Same here James. Our walk is our talk. We walked our way right over here and now we have a new chance to get on with what was most important to us. Each other. Helping each other to keep on keeping on.

I hope I'm not just triggering you some more with anything I'm sharing. I promise not to rant on about it again. I've been triggered myself as a result of how my words have sent you looking back but I'm hoping it can all work out for the good. That is my prayer for us both. For any of us that have been affected by the recent events of our past together. I pray we can make it to the next level. MT is my past. PC is my present. Everything in its place. Thats one of my issues. Organized to the point of obssession. I need to put this in its rightful place. More than I need anything to be made right. I trust time to do that.

Shared in a spirit of love and friendship... with honesty from my heart.

I guess I'm out of the loop and at this point it doesn't even matter to me anymore. I'm tired of feeling like i'm standing in the middle of a war zone. Sorry but I'm done trying to understand or be hopeful about anything anymore. This just may be one more thing I need to walk away from and not look back at. Waiting always for a better day.

I need to get my focus on preping for that damned job inteview tomorrow. I'm tired and i'm stress and can't think of how to be useful.

I'll just wish you good blessing from what ever it is you choose to do. My prayers will be with you even if my voice is silent for a while.

Take care...

LT

Rather than intrude on your survivors thread, and cause you more pain, I am leaving. I am severing all ties with people. I can't play nice, I can't seem to even go a few days without causing some missunderstanding or problem.

I have a few choices, live a life more and more alone, or stop living, getting well or better seems like a lost cause, so really there are only the two choices..

You and the others with Bi Polar has much better chance of living a more normal life. People with BPD have a very poor chance, drugs, and therapy don't do much, and therapy isn't something I am good at, not unless it is one on one. Any more than that and i screw it up.

See I told you guys (gals) this all before, all along. I am a lost cause, and while your hearts may go out to try and help lost causes, but we are lost causes I am a lost cause...and just learn to walk away...I am an energy eater, a bad karma, an evil spirit.

Bye, and good luck on your walk.

Just remember the words (I think it was Roosevelt but it might have been Kennedy or some other famous man) <font color="blue"> "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing! </font>

James,

Don't leave!!!

Get your butt back here NOW Grizz!

I want you to send that complaint in because I know it will be the best way for you to put all of this behind you once and for all. Once you know that you have placed the information of the power elite into the hands of HIS power elite, you will feel vindicated and be able to move on.

James, opinions may vary about you should do, but you need to do what you need for yourself and no one else. If you want to continue discussing this issue, you and I can continue through email and we'll find other topics to chat about here from here on out.
I believe in you and what you are doing and what you believe is right because as a friend, I am going to support you and listen no matter what. The last thing I want to do is push you out of the circle. That isn't fair.

James, send the damn complaint in. Just put a stamp on it and throw it in the nearest mailbox and never look back. It's all you can do and it's what you NEED to do to give yourself some peace.

James, I want you to talk to me about it. I will not shut you out and it doesn't hurt me to hear about it nor talk about it. We'll do it privately to protect others and that's that!!!! OK? If you are not ready to put it behind you, you are not ready. There is no way that you can ignore something and turn your back on anything that you still feel so passionate about. No one can do that.

Please James,,,, Email me!!!!

ABT

Oh crap

<font color="purple">Dear Survivors
This thread is for us. Those who want to share ways to survive and cope and celebrate. James, you know how we feel about you and we are here, and on your email address list. Girls, lets leave him alone and give him the dignity of having his space. Surviving is an individual thing. When I am isolating myself, I tend to resent others who try to pry me out of my cave before I am ready, and really, what is the point of doing so? Hibernation is a natural state, and may be what C-nut needs. Beside, like I said before, IMO, he knows we care. We can always email him, but I think we could give him some space. NOT POINTING fingers just spewing random words as usual here.

I suggest we all talk about what we can do to improve ourselves for swimsuit season. I know it is a shallow topic, but I feel the need for one. What say ye?
All in favor ?????

Your yakity yak friend
Dulcinea </font>

I'm in agreement, lets get the thread back on topic. Well said Dulcinea!!

Thanks,
Rayna

Yeah alright.

Ok so Hip Hop class is hard. It's a freaking challenge when you have 2 left feet and one is broken and tied to the back of the right hand! OMG really!!!!!!!

Ok so all my life I thought I wasn't that bad a dancer. I can 2-step and polka and do even do the chicken dance...but hip hop is far more challenging than any university, tear jerking class I ever taken. And let me tell ya...In my career the courses I had to take were real yawners at the best of times.

5,6,7,8...no no no way!!! LOL

I'm already ready for bikini season. Hope I don't end up in traction before I get a chance to show off the new thin and toned body!!!!! LOL

Oh God this is shallow! I can't keep this post up....

Depth....ummmmm Yeah,,,I can't even think that far either. ABT's a lost cause. LMAO

ABT

Hear hear, Dulcinea!!

It saddens me deeply to read Chocolatelover's and James' posts... I hope and pray that they'll come back and will be able to keep on surviving, no matter where or how.

I'm adding a few more things to my "survived it!" list:
An incredible amount of foot pain
Rooming with a hopelessly immature friend
Turbulence!

Everyone, reading your posts is truly inspiring, even the negative ones. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THIS!!!

love and hugs,
~muse

My therapist tells me she wants to us EMDR on me, does anyone know anything about it? It sounds like quackery but I'll try anything.

Turbulance happens....LOL Muse
lets see, I survived turning 40
gaining 40
and losing 40

I hope to focus more on positive
than negative
I want to do more than just survive!

Hello everyone... Thank you muse and others for the reminder of why we are here. My heart continues to go out to Cardz and the situation he is dealing with. I know he understands that I am always on his side and that we will continue to be friends. We don't always agree but we always respect each other's right to walk our own path and follow our own convictions. He is a very special man and has been very instrumental in my recovery. In large part because of his patient support I am able to be here to talk about my on-going survival and see the light of optimism that guides my future.

Well I survived my interview yesterday. I was not at my best but I think they may offer me the job. I am proud of myself that I didn't back out. I was struggling with a lot of anxiety about it but I didn't give in. I made sure I gave myself plenty of time to get there. I took a few minutes once I found a parking spot to centre myself. I did some breathing exercises and had some prayers and spoke some affirmations before I headed into the building where the interview took place.

There were only two people on the interview panel which certainly eased my initial anxiety. It was a bit of a challenge to dig back 4 years to the last job I had to provide them with examples to answer some of their questions. I've been self-employed since then and where I could I used examples from my work with clients.

I am now giving serious thought to whether the job is the right fit for me. Any doubt I have are not based on fears related to symptoms of my illness but rather concerns due to practical consideration. This is real progress for me and worthy of celebrating.

I have survived and come out with a stronger sense of my personal power. A power that seeks always to do those things that are in harmony with my hearts desire. A power that pushes me to take steps that are in harmony with my hopes and dreams. I don't need to 'win the competition' and take the next step because I can... because I've been picked as the 'best candidate'. I do need to 'win the battle with self-doubt' and make the right decision and take the next step because I should... because I know what is 'best for me'.

I have a greater intention today than 2 days ago to do what is best for me. I am more than a survivor today.... I am living my intentions.

I wish everyone the same sense of personal power today and always. Rockin personal power.... it pushes back the darkness of doubt and opens up a world of new opportunities... a world of new intentions. I claim my power that I might claim my destiny... that I may walk with empowered intention.

<font color="purple">Hi survivors, How is everyone! Hanging in there with me? Right on! Hey ChocoHol.... You Survived the Interview good for you!
Isn't it empowering when we get through something and do it well! Good Job! You sound very strong. btw I love your blog and the medicine wheel, I can see why you take good care of yourself and use balance. I need balance and am attempting to find some of my own.
I have decided to turn down the EMDR treatment except to only use it for small phobias which is practiacally a silly thing to use it for. <--akward sentence but whatever. Brain dead today. I do not want to relive traumatic times over and over right now. I believe I will flip out if I do. so, its all about survival.
Today I am planting flower seeds. Purple coneflower, impatiens, marigolds, Sweet peas, sweet allyssum, and some others. I will remember to survive along with the flowers I plant today. Oh, the sun just peeked thru the clouds as I wrote that. aw shucks, I love you guys.
LOL
Hey everyone, have a wonderful day. C-nut you take care and have a wonderful day too!

</font>

HUZZAH for you, Chocolatelover!! I'm SOO happy for ya, and it's great to hear that you're not just surviving, you're pushing through and moving forward as well! Equally good to hear is that you and Cardz are okay with each other, though I'll continue to hope for him and you both.

Dulcinea, you MUST post some pictures of those flowers when they come up. I love plants and such, and planting them is kind of a magical experience in it's own right--the smell of soil, a few quiet moments outside (though it's rather a blustery day over here, hehe)... but my mom, aunt and grandmother have the green thumbs around here--I think it skipped a generation! I know they'll be beautiful.

Love you, all my survivors!!
~muse

Hey we all get a loving cup for surviving. I will post some pics of me picking virtual bouquets for all of you survivors! I love flowers too, probably more than the vegetables that I should probably focus on! It's funny, almost every flower becomes "my favorite" as I focus on it. LOL
Today I have all morning free until the grandson comes over, his name is Harley like the motorcycle....he is about as fast and noisy too... we chase him all over. Last night was his Mothers birthday and we all went out to a buffet-style restaurant. I was good and only ate an actual meal. It was strange, almost everyone there was hugely overweight. Of course, here in a US mall, lots of folks are. It's a shame. Today I fast in retribution over the cheesecake and icecream with chocolate syrup. Also in solidarity for the victums of the college shooting, and general "cleansing".
I am watching "Cape Fear" right now, I have never seen it. I like Jessica Lange, she looks like my Mom. Well I am rambling, can yo tell...LOL
Just had to start the day positive.
Love all you survivors. Decided to live OUT LOUD today and do much more than just survive. I am walking the medicine wheel in love and courage. Choco why don't you tell the people a little about it.... Nice segue if I do say so myself...no pressure
LOL
Seriously Love you guys.
Dulcinea <---me and my diet soda addiction

I've been on this message board at www.connectwithkids.com alot, and have discovered that there are a lot more people worse off than I am. That kind of makes me feel better.

Yo...where is everyone?? Hello???? Do I hear an echo?

Dulcinea, diet Coke is my LIFE!!! I just had a bottle today for the first time in WAAY too long, haha!

BombTech, you're right... survival stories anyone?

I'm gearing up to survive something rather petty... a week or two with almost no contact from my love. He's in a show, and hell week (tech week being the nicer term) is coming up, so he'll be working his butt off (again) and we won't be able to talk much. It's a little tough for me, but I'll generally stay up way late just to get a digital "goodnight" from him. ^.^ I'm really hoping to see him this weekend, because if I don't I'll have to wait 'till the show opens... hehe.

Edit: ooh, listening to the music he'll be singing in the show and totally getting chills over here. *swoon* I can just hear him singing it, he is SO good!

And I totally ROCKED OUT on a math test for the first time in, like, EVER. Tho I failed my chem test today... bleh. Can't win 'em all, right Survivors?

luck&amp;love,
~muse