Rockin Survivors

Wow... what a special treat to see so many folks chimming in with me here. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas about survival. I think everyone agrees that it is important to acknowledge ourselves for making it this far. And even taking it one step further and congratulating ourselves for coming out of tragedy and struggle with greater understanding that then becomes wisdom.

Good on everyone this fine day....

Hey... that got posted too fast... I used the open post thingy at the bottom rather than a reply button... didn't let me add some smilies to reinforce my 'congrats'.... so here ya go.... congrates everyone for making it this far in life....

Treading water is good I think. Keeps you afloat at least. Sometimes that's all it takes to survive... a few gentle kicks in the right direction.

I want to chime in on your analogy about a woman accepted or not accepting the limitations of sudden permanent paralysis and any of us accepting the limitations of permanent MI.

My mother was just such a woman. She was run over by a tractor while working the fields on a vegetable farm... her back was broken and she was never to walk again. She was 33 at the time and up till then had lived a very active, athletic and physical lifestyle. She died at the age of 48 from a p-drug overdose having never come to terms with the 'limitations' life in a wheelchair presented to her.

I want to also compare her to another person who woke up one day paralyzed.... his name is Rick Hanson.... otherwise known as the 'Man in Motion'. He did more than accept his limitations he surpassed them. He travelled across Canada in his wheelchair to raise money for research and public awarenss about spinal cord injuries. When asked if he would change anything in his life... if he ever wishes he wasn't limited to his wheelchair he always answers... " No, if it weren't for the accident that left me paralyzed and in my chair I could never have accomplished so much on behalf of others. I wouldn't change a thing. I have a wonderful life. I have a wife whom I adore, children of whom I'm enormously proud and a life that has meaning and value. Who could ask for anything more."

The same can be said for any one of us with mental illness. We have already heard from a good number of folks here on MT who celebrate their survival. And beyond that we see the blessing under the cloud. We draw upon supernatural strength to push those clouds away each day to let some light into our lives. We determine not to dwell on our limitations but rather to rejoice in our gains. Our insights, our compassion for others, our empathy, our wisdom, our determination and our ability to overcome at whatever the odds.

Steven Hawkings.... the famous physist and scholar had a similar answer to that given by Rick Hansen. Steven Hawkings... forgive me for not knowing the exact nature of his condition.... but he is totally without physical motor functions of his limbs. He can't even speak without the aid of a computer. He relys totally upon a mouth piece to communicate via computer. In spite of his 'limitations' he has gone on to write some of the most important books of our time and share the most critical theories about physics, evolution, global warming/climate change and other subjects that will help to define our understand of the earth and entire solar system in which we live for decades to come.

Limitations... what are they.... reasons to try less? Not for Rick, not for Steven.... and not for me. It is my strong belief that the Creator only blesses us with gifts as we show ourselves ready to receive them. That gift may come in the form of a special hardship or a special kindness... either way it is up to each of us to determine what to do with the gift. Look for death as my mother did, look for ways to use the gift to help others as Rick did or look for ways to surpass the gift as Steven did. What are you going to do with your limitation?

Me I'm going to give thanks everyday for my mental illness. I'm going to give thanks for the people who are in my life who wouldn't be if not for my mental illness. I'm going to give thanks for the understanding and awareness I have about those less well than me and I'm going to fight for justice for them. I'm going to advocate for the less able than me to ensure they have the same opportunities as me to live in peace and in harmony with the world Creator made for them.

I am only limited by my own willingness to live my life... with all of its complexities.... to the very fullest. If I'm down tomorrow then I do the things I've learned to do to work my way up. If I'm manic the next day then I'll do the things I've learned to do to work my way level. I don't submit to negative thinking, I don't submit to self-doubt or self-loathing. I don't look at my hardships as limits. I look at them as challenges to overcome. I listen to the voices that lift me up and shout praises to my Creator to drown out the voices that try to bring me down.

I am a survivor. There is no limit to what I can do. All I need to do is believe. Be my best. Be the best that I can be. There is only one limitation that I acknowlege and it is the same limitation one without mental illness has to acknowledge and that is know that our time on this earth is finite. We all.... everyone of us.... the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the sane and the insane, the sick and the well.... we will all die some day. Some sooner than others. Some more tragically than others. Some more famous than others. Some older than others.... all in our own way.

My plan is to keep on keeping on... to make the most of the days I am given. To see beyond my limitations to the possibilities of my hearts desires. To not just accept that I have mental illness but to give thanks for my mental illness. I am who I am and I like who I am and I am someone with mental illness. Can't separate the two anymore that I can separte the fact that I am only 5'2" tall and therefore need a stool to reach the top shelf... so therefore I must embrace it and make it work for me.... thank goodness for stools!!!

I may not be as bad off as some but I am worse off than others. Degree doesn't matter. What matters is to what degree do we let it matter.

Gee.... that was good for my spirit.... how about you? Invigerated just a little maybe.... hope so...

Have a limitless day. Surpass your own expectation. You just might surprise yourself at how able you are to live a bigger and fuller life for you and your family.

Aw... now look what you've done cardz... you've got me writing novellas here already. I was going to work my way up to these kinds of free-flowing ramblings. Oh well.... what can I say.... its a gift.... lol

Dear everyone and esp. Cardznutz...are we allowed to call you by your name?
I urge you not to strive for normalcy but for super, para-normalcy! Write your best-selling book or novella, LOL , help thousands instead of a few, I dare you! Just like how blind people develop sensitive fingertips for reading braille I believe we develop sensitivities that could help others. We are definitly aware of things that other people aren't. I don't know how to put it into words but you do, you always do!

Hey I need help. I have to quit smoking. I mean I want to really badly For my own good. Not good for my head, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I loved the letters C-nut, its just such a funny funny world out there....LOL. Wasn't that a good website though!

Hey, you keep treading. Start that book. Keep the chapters short, just a suggestion. Put chapter one on your blog. ???? Please? Or write a fictional story, I bet you could write a great one!

Hey Lizi, How was the pow-wow. I realized that I would love to be a part of one some day. I did get to drum with some drummers once and learned the Crow-Hop song. I was transported ! It rocked! I am on my way to check out your blog. Im sad to say I have neglected your latest adventures. But not to worry. Im on my way. This is so much better than you know where with you know who....ROFL

I am really spacy today, the meds are really kicking my *** now. Im almost manic but like underwater. Its not quite pleasant, but at least I'm moving. It's really windy and stormy outside. I hope there is lightning soon, my back is killing me. Fibro sucks.

Love all you guys. Survivors rule. Hey by the way. This site really is awesome. Muse, everyone, thanks for being here.

I give thanks too for all I have survived becaue if I hadn't I wouldn't be who I am or here right now;

I have survived
child sexual emotional and physical abuse
getting hit by a truck
child neglect
two of my chlldren's life altering & life threatening illneses
episodic vertigo
losing my parents
I have been blessed with
3 wonderful sons
a loving husband
a crazy mind
a teriffic dog
a love of writing
the ablity to survive
the courage to heal

I like this list idea. Let's see what I can think of...

I have survived:
-A random act of violence at my primary school 11 years ago
-Many friendship changes (mostly because they moved away and we lost touch, but in some cases it simply seemed they got fed up of me)
-Low self-esteem
-Shyness/social anxiety
-An ex-boyfriend that would't let go
-A five-year long crush I was too shy to do anything about
-High school (assuming I can last another three weeks )
-Trichotillomania
-Being too hard on myself
-Panic attacks
-Driving lessons (still quite a few to go, though...)

Some of those I am still surviving...but...most of the time I can still think of something positive in almost every situation, and I'm glad of that. For example, if I hadn't experienced those things, I would never have ended up here and met all you people!

Hi everyone,
Hey we are all so awesome! I am proud of us. I like the positivity this is generating.
I just thought of another thing I have survived...Yesterday. And that means I can survive today! LOL One day at a time. Actually Im feeling good so far, but after all it is only 7 thirty am.... haha.

I am hoping to survive my crazy computer, ramdom things keep popping up, I do believe I have a virus or some nonsense again. I hate dial -up also. BUt, I should be grateful, to have one at all and I'm excited to be getting a new, free, reconditioned one from my drop-in center. So, wish me luck, it couldnt be any worse than using my nosy boyfriends puter. Maybe I can surf the web without him questioning every web site I visit. "why were you on msnbc.com? Joy, are you THAT interested in news? OR are you dating Keith Olberman....etc, etc....LOL" he says.

Anyway, rock on survivors, Rio, you WILL make it. James, write me a story. Patti tell us survivors a good medicine story?

Oh, another thing I survived, 9/11/01. Not being there, just living thru the fear and pain it caused. I watched it live on TV with my sons and we thought the world would end. I suppose it did in a way. Also Katrina, all those disasters made me more aware of my wealth and blessings and the shortness of my days here.
God Bless

Well No Book today Dulcinea! Sorry. I am too down in the dumps. I survive, but to what purpose? I find Lizi-Tish's post about striving to go further inspirational but also it makes me feel like such a failure. I cannot seem to get out of the rut of just living day to day. To strive to be a Stephen Hawking or Hanson is just not something I can even see from my vantage point in the well.

I went to the Family Doctor, expecting to be Formed into the PWARD today, but instead he agreed with the Crisis line, that I do not seem to pose an imminent threat to my own self or others, so I shall just have to wait in the unending line of those waiting for mental health care.

I feel bad, hurt and upset, worse because that bastard at MT said "You Need Professional Help" and yet none is forthcoming, it isn't like I have not tried to get it. Does one have to go "postal" to get attention and help?

I want to write a book, then I don't, some days I think I could write a book, other days I don't. As for the good doctor retrieving some of my comments from the threads we used, I doubt you will get any answer at all to those requests. Funny Mr. Count, he can request a name change and get it instantly, but others like Blondie and your self ask for help or answers and are ignored...but if you even breath that there is a two tiered treatment of people at that site, forget it you will have a dozen people attacking every post you make, and worse cutting and pasting things out of context to make you look even worse.

My doctor did say he see I am agitated and is going to try and speed up the process for me. I just think it is going to have to take either a pseudo (para-suicidal) or real suicide attempt to get the attention I need. I fail to understand why such drama is necessary. Also when that is the reason for admission you are released as soon as you are deemed to no longer pose a threat...so what is the use...??? I am feeling very undone. I feel adrift and as such tired, no not really tired but really weary. It doesn't help that it is a really dark dreary raining day here.

Rose was with me in the doctor's office, so some of what I wanted to say wouldn't come out, also I find talking to that doctor about mental health issues is a strain because he is in such a rush, (always a long line of patients), that I can't even get started on my problem...I am not one who can just start at full speed, I need a bit of time to get worked up LOL.

Oh well, I am here anyway, but it is going to be a sleepy kind of day I think.

Hey Cardznutz
Im with you I say everyone stays in bed today for mental health reasons. I have the tv guide, the crossword puzzle. My jug of diet pepsi, lets see, all three remote controls. Oh, Ragtime, by E.L. Doctorow, ever read him, he rocks. I decided to put off that little chore I was doing....Think I'll stay here til noon, whatya think guys?
Sometimes this is what it takes for me to survive. Thank God I can.
Dulci Out

We are on the same plane......I got out of bed this a.m. took my son to school, did a little of my own school work, couldn't concentrate, went back to bed at 12:30 and I'm still here, with my laptop, a cup of tea but couldn't find the remote. grrrrr. It's so cozy. So, yes, sometimes surviving means retreating to where we feel safe. if only for a few hours.

Hello rockin survivors....
I thought I would share something I read recently on the subject of survival. It offers some interesting insights to the importance of not only surviving but of achieving something beyond survival. Somedays it is easier than others to acknowledge we have been ‘victims’ at different times in our lives but we refuse to accept the role as inevitable for the rest of our life experiences. We go beyond survival. Yet other days we can find ourselves stuck in ‘victim mode’…. we continue to define ourselves by the role of a victim and get caught in a cycle of surviving with a will not to survive at all but to merely exist.

I am sharing some excerpts from <font color="blue">Survival: A Thematic Guide to Canadian Literature by Margaret Atwood </font> because I think it offers some interesting parallels to some thinking patterns that we all understand from the perspective of mental illness.

Ms Atwood argues that <font color="blue"> every country or culture has a single unifying and informing symbol at its core... The central symbol for Canada is Survival, la Survivance. She goes on to suggest that “Canadians are forever taking the national pulse like doctors at a sickbed: the aim is not to see whether the patient will live well but simply whether he will live at all. Our central idea is one which generates .... an almost intolerable anxiety. Our stories are likely to be tales not of those who made it but of those who made it back, from the awful experience.... The survivor has no triumph or victory but the fact of his survival; he has little after his ordeal that he did not have before, except gratitude for having escaped with his life.

A preoccupation with one's survival is necessarily also a preoccupation with the obstacles to that survival. In earlier writers these obstacles are external -- the land, the climate, and so forth. In later writers the obstacles tend to become both harder to identify and more internal; they are no longer obstacles to physical survival but obstacles to what we may call spiritual survival, to life as anything more than a minimally human being. Sometimes fear of these obstacles becomes itself the obstacle, and a character is paralyzed by terror (either of what he thinks is threatening him from the outside, or of elements in his own nature that threaten him from within). It may even be life itself that he fears; and when life becomes a threat to life, you have a moderately vicious circle. If a man feels he can survive only by amputating himself, turning himself into a cripple or a eunuch, what price survival?

.... at some point the failure to survive, or the failure to achieve anything beyond survival, becomes not a necessity imposed by a hostile outside world but a choice made from within. Pushed far enough, the obsession with surviving can become the will not to survive.

Certainly Canadian authors spend a disproportionate amount of time making sure that their heroes die or fail. Much Canadian writing suggests that failure is required because it is felt -- consciously or unconsciously -- to be the only 'right' ending, the only thing that will support the characters' (or their authors') view of the universe. When such endings are well handled and consistent with the whole book, one can't quarrel with them on aesthetic grounds. But when Canadian writers are writing clumsy or manipulated endings, they are much less likely to manipulate in a positive than they are in a negative direction. Why should this be so? Could it be that Canadians have a will to lose which is as strong and pervasive as the Americans will to win?

... but surely the Canadian gloom is more unrelieved than most and the death and failure toll out of proportion. Given a choice of the negative or positive aspects of any symbol -- sea as life-giving Mother, sea as what your ship goes down in; tree as symbol of growth, tree as what falls on your head - Canadians show a marked preference for the negative.

You might decide at this point that most Canadian authors with any pretensions to seriousness are neurotic or morbid... but if the coincidence intrigues you -- so many writers in such a small country, and all with the same neurosis -- then I will offer you a theory.

Let us suppose, for the sake of argument, that Canada as a whole is a victim, or an "oppressed minority " or "exploited”... Let us suppose in short that Canada is a colony..... a place from which a profit is made, but not by the people who live there: the major profit from a colony is made in the centre of the empire.... for the "mother country".... Of course, there are cultural side-effects which are often identified as "the colonial mentality," and it is these which are examined here; but the root cause for them is not economic.

If Canada is a collective victim, it should pay some attention to the Basic Victim Positions. These are like the basic positions in ballet or the scales on the piano: They are primary, though all kinds of song-and-dance variations on them are possible.....

One: To deny the fact that you are a victim.
Two: To acknowledge the fact that you are a victim, but to explain this as an act of Fate, the Will of God, the dictates of Biology, the necessity decreed by History, or Economics, or the Unconscious, or any other large general powerful idea.
Three: To acknowledge the fact that you are a victim but to refuse to accept the assumption that the role is inevitable.
Four: To be a creative non-victim.”
</font>

Ms Atwood gave me cause to ask myself... what position do I take on the question of being a victim? I don’t deny that I have been a victim. I used to deny it but not now. Not since I came out of denial about my own mental illnesses.

I used to carry full responsibility for everything that happened to me in my life. “People abandoned me because I wouldn’t let them into my life.” “He beat me up because I was too mouthy... I provoked him.“ “I was left alone to take care for my mother because I promised to do it and to never ask anyone to help.” I had learned to never hold anyone accountable for their actions. I always took responsibility and so I denied that I was a victim because that would suggest someone, or some circumstance beyond my choosing or control made me a victim.

As time went on this kind of thinking... the need to maintain total control of my environment and circumstances began to flip. The overwhelming sense of aloneness, exhaustion, endlessness, worthlessness and hopelessness brought me into what Ms Atwood would describe as the second position. It began a period of endless ‘pity parties’. “If my mother hadn’t had that accident my life would be better.” “If the medical system did more than push drugs my mother won’t be an addict and I wouldn’t have to be her pharmacist.” “If I wasn’t such an emotional basket case people would stick around and love me.” “If God was real...” A victim but there’s nothing I can do but live with it.

Fast forward some more time and my bi polar cycling is getting more and more difficult to live with. My illness labels more impossible to deny. The extreme episodes are getting increasingly more challenging to survive and I finally start to ask for help. I finally wanted to do more than survive... to merely exist in a cycle of hell. I wanted instead to survive so that I might live a better life than the one I’d known for 40 of my 53 years. That sounds like Atwood’s position three. Acknowledging that I have been a victim of psychological and emotional abuse; self-destructive behaviours including suicides, cuttings and risk-takings; states of denial that caused me to blame myself rather than understand my illness; physical abuses when the raging of others escalated into violence directed at me. I finally came to realize that yes I have been a victim but I’m not going to let it define me any more. I’m not going to be a victim again. It doesn’t have to be like that any more. I can not only survive but I can move into a new reality.

That brings me to position number four.... to be a creative non-victim. For me this means that I am walking in the fullness of my personal power and with a clear signal of communication with my Creator. I walk forward towards my destiny. A destiny determined by love, hope and peace. I am filled with creative ideas about how to achieve my dreams. I am filled with creative energy to walk into my life with my power solidly in place. On days like these I don’t feel like a victim. I don’t act like a victim. I feel like one who was a victim and then a survivor and now an over-comer. I have overcome that I might do great things in the future despite and because of what I have overcome.

Yet not everyday is it so obvious. Some days I have to believe in the unseen. I have to walk in faith that my desires for my life are possible... are doable... are reasonable.... are achievable. The old saying... if I do my part than the Creator can do the rest. Just so long as I make the effort... declare my faith then I am giving Creator permission to guide my next steps.

There are still those days that come and stick me back to thinking like I’m doomed to forever be in position two. My illness, my circumstances, my relationships are just too imposing for me to think I can try to overcome them. Those days when a voice in my head tells me that I shouldn’t bother trying... that I’d be better off crawling back into my pit and staying there. Trying life out of the pit is too risky. Why bother if I always end up back in the pit. The voice keeps working me to try to convince me the pit is the best place for me to be.

Not today... and if I can just keep my focus... if I can just keep reminding myself that the pit isn’t a place I want to be ever again then maybe I can keep moving forward in what Ms Atwood calls Position Four.... that of ‘a creative non-victim’.

And if I feel sometimes like getting back into bed with all my favourite things and having a 'me day' with a good movie or a book... I won't be confused into thinking I'm giving into the lure of the pit but I will know the difference.

When what once was a trap is now a gift... well that I declare is not just overcoming but it is mastering the art of personal power and healthy self-care.

I think on that note.... I'm going to take the rest of the day off!!!

Be good to yourselves people... ask more of dreams than you feel like dreaming and balance it with giving yourself more than you might think you deserve. We deserve the very best life has to offer us. We deserve for our dreams to come true.

LT and others of the Survivor Thread

My PDOC and I went into a lot of depth dealing my my identity as a "VICTIM". She wanted me to examine whether I could live without feeling I was a victim and more. If somehow (and we never defined how) I could get over the victim nature of my existence, how would i live. I found that to be deprived of my victim status, scared the crap out of me. To somehow have that removed from me, to have some court say from on high "here is X number of dollars, you are NO LONGER A VICTIM", that was so scary as to be unimaginable even in the abstract.

Being a victim is so much a part of who and what I am, to take that away is to invalidate my life to date. That was what I said. We looked at it in detail. What does holding onto the role of victim bring me? What is the payoff for being a victim? (Please note these are perceptions, not necessarily my real values or thoughts).

1. I can 'blame' my behavior, (bad) on my having been a victim.
2. I can walk around with a sense of entitlement because the system failed me.
3. I I deserve special consideration, special privileges and special advantages because of being a victim.
4. I don't have to achieve anything, I am a victim
5. I am defined as a survivor, which means I was a victim.

Then we looked at what I would gain if I gave up my role as victim.

1. I would have to 'own' my behavior on it's own terms...
2. I would have no more sense of entitlement, I would have to compete with others on equal grounds, no special exemptions or allowances for my past.
3. I would have to achieve the same as everyone else.
4. I would no longer be a survivor, just a person, living each day.

Then we looked at what emotionally was making me cling to being a victim, a survivor of abuse.
1. The single biggest reason to hold on to it was to not be a victim would invalidate my life experience.

We looked at that, and for the first time she made me (my PDOC Dr. King) look at it in a way I have no way to do. I was not allowed to look at the above statement as black or white, but as both. She made me put that on both sides of the page, what would be good about letting go of being a victim and what would be bad about letting go. I had a hard time looking at the same thing being two sides of the same coin. But it is true. If I give up being a victim, I invalidate my life, my ability to survive, the hardship I have been through. On the other hand if I give up being a victim, I am then a 'normal' person, no longer defined by my hardships and survival.

The concept was and is so hard to understand. Can you undo rape, child molestation, sexual, physical and emotional abuse that spanned 10 years or more? Can you turn your back on it and not use it as a crutch? Can you do something anti-social and own it as a 'normal' person, or do I need to be able to say "you don't understand, look at where I am coming from". More than a year after we started talking about this concept I still struggle with it.

I understand the good it would do to stop defining myself as a victim of my past. I also fear I would fail, fall flat on my face because how can I make up for 50 years of living as a victim? How do you unlearn those behaviors, those thought patterns.

I read about how if you took a dog and put him in a pen, then daily rang a bell and then went out and kicked the crap out of the dog, never showing affection ever... if you stopped the daily ringing of the bell the dog would whimper and cry wanting the beating. As pathetic as that is, I think we as humans are similar, if we get used to be treated as someone who can be abused, then when it stops we have a very hard time adjusting.

A good topic though with lots to think about and try and wrap my maladjusted head around.

Well Power People,

I've been away for a few days and have had alot of reading to catch up on.

James, I am happy to see you opening here. Sorry that you are having such hard times, but happy that you are able to really talk about your issues here with us finally.

Dulchinea, Hey...your butt must be getting sore sitting on that fence...but I can see that you don't sit on that fence so much here! A nice change to read in your attitude here as opposed to the 'other place'.

Choco, I see you got the change to anonymity. That's promising and I hope that you can remain an entity this time!

I noticed that people were posting all of the bad things or negative things in thier lives that they overcame. I thought I would take my goals that I have achieved and those that I am working towards instead and head off in a different direction. Not because I am denying my past or anything, but because in my heart, it's more empowering to define ourselves by our goals attained as opposed to our negativities highlighted. I mean in retrospect, a goal achieved is nothing more than a negativity turned around into something that is a wonderful postive anyway isn't it?

So here's my list of goals and achievements that have brought me my survival power and if you think about it...you will see where I was working out the negative side.

Started playing the violin at age 3
9 years of post-secondary education
Great career
11 year old daughter
Single Mom
3 years of productive therapy
Quit smoking
Lost 65 lbs
Jumped out of some airplanes
Got my pilot's license
Bought house
Have active social live and good relationships with friends and family

My future goals include losing 20 more pounds
Buying an old White Volkswagon Golf convertable
Travelling to Goa <<< that's in India
Getting signed FINALLY to a record deal << I guess that's more of a dream than a goal but I still work on that.

The listing sounds very egotistical. But in the end that's what life is for...the living. No one will live our lives for us and I spent too much time locked away, barely leaving the house and not living. Now that I have found myself again, I found that displaying pride in what I am working on and what I have done, paramount in knowing and reminding myself what I am capable of everyday. Those times when I do get down and forget and lose faith in myself a little, I look at my list of 'have done's' and know that there are so many others that do not or cannot do those things. I know that a few years ago I could never have strapped on a parachute and 'jumped' from a few thousand feet without having a huge panic attack!!

I survived the lowest when my father was dying and I came home from the hospital to find my fiance in bed with another woman. I was (at that time misdiagnosed) and not medicated. It was the most terrible time of my life. It spun me into the deepest depression and I was heavily paranoid. And then I was under such heavy stress, my period never came so I thought I was pregnant. It was horrible. But since then, I am back.....living proof that it is possible.

I love this thread ChocolateLover!

AMT/Blondie

Good twist Blondie.... It was enlightening for me to put a list of what I have survived because it reminded me of how strong I have become as a consequence of those times. It reminded me that I am an overcomer because of the things that I have survived. My list played it pretty safe since I avoided some of the hardest stuff I lived through but it was good therapy for me just the same.

So lets go to the next step with your idea about goals accomplished.... that might be harder actually for all the reasons you indicated. Part of recovery is coming to terms with those things that have contributed to some of our mental illness symptoms. The key is always to not let our illness or our past define who we are today and who we are becoming. It takes facing them head on to be able to move past them. At least it has worked that way for me. I've been stable now for nearly 2 months but I'm still having to pinch myself everyday to make sure I'm not dreaming.

Eeks!! I think I'm stalling... let's see... goals accomplished...

Motherhood... i thought it would elude me but at 49 my precious son was born and purpose was restored in my life
Cultural Identity.... learned more about my native ancestry, was accepted into my hereditary community and was taught some of our traditional ways
Fashion Designer... received training, earned industry recognition, achieved success on my terms
Public Administration... received education and enjoyed a work environment that allowed me to apply mainstream theory in a culturally modified way
Teacher.... shared my skills and knowledge with others
Mentor... became someone people come to for advice
Travelling.... visited and living in many different countries and learned about cultures foreign to my own
Spirituality.... came to the place where I knew Creator and have learned to walk everyday in a spirit of prayer and thanksgiving
Athletics.... competed and won provincial badminton title, competed in provincial field hockey, had the rep as the 2nd best skier on the lake...next to my brother... and regulary beat the boys on the tennis court.... lol
Friendships... maintain contact with childhood friends, work buddies and other friends new and old
Misc.... worked for a summer on a Gill-net fishing boat, quit an addiction, lost 40 lbs, walked across a suspension bridge, logged 100 hours flying a small cessna plane -- never finished ground school

Hey Blondie... you're right that was fun!!! I'm not a losser after all!!! Just joking. But it does make me wonder why I listen to such voices sometimes. Guess that's why they call it mental illness. Doesn't make sense when we view the world or ourselves in a negative light.... but it does happen. I'm going to copy this list for those days when I'm doubting my accomplishments. Sure there are lots of things I would have wanted to be on that list but I'm not going to let it tear me down any more.

Ok... I'm on a roll... let me go the next step and state some goals yet to be...

Quit smoking -- D... are we buddies on this???
Get fit -- start playing tennis this summer and maybe water ski again... eeks!!!
Stablize my income
Put a new roof on my house
Redo the drive way
Fix up my truck
See my son graduate from HS, University... marry and bless me with a grandkid or two

I deliberately avoided mental health welness related goals. They go without saying but I'll add them anyways.... stablize my sleep habits, avoid isolation, meditate away my anxiety, ask for help when I need it, be honest with my caregivers and expect their best for me, love myself enough to want to be well.

phew... I'm done. Good stuff.... who's next....

Thanks Blondie.... I needed that.

EEKS.... I wrote that I was 49 when my son was born... PLEASE!!! NO.... I meant 39... that was quite old enough.... how funny... that would make me 63 now... life is going fast but not that fast...

All the rest was true.... I swear.... lol..

Ok, positive is great heres a nice positive list to start the day.
I positiveley love my family
Raised three loving men
Love my significant other
lost a lot of weight
Got straight A's in college
Was accepted into Nursing School
Im pretty....Pretty weird LOL
I can dance....ooh la la
I can ride a horse bare back
I can play drums
I can paint and draw
I am great with people , most days
I have a green thumb
I have green eyes
I like to think Im tall (5 ft 5 for your info choco lover LOL )
I have wonderful friends
I have lived an exciting and rich life
I have traveled the United States
I have survived all manner of exciting accidents
I am deeply optimistic at heart
I am a survivor

That's nice, thanks Blondie for the good idea. You are awesome, supersonic Blonde!
Greetings all. Im off to an appointment at mental health to see if I have any...LOL Im asking to have my meds upped as I am seeing "the birds" again......aaahhhhh
I will seeyall this afternoon.
Safe thinking everyone!

Well when I was in the PWARD, and when I was first meeting with my old PDOC they said I was narcissistic because I listed all the things I was "good" at, all my 'positive' aspects. Later my PDOC said while it was narcissistic behavior it was done in a way that was negative, because I was trying to define myself by my accomplishments, and now that I am disabled both mentally and physically, I will be hit hard because I can no longer identify myself with my accomplishments. Past achievements are laurels for sure, something I guess to be proud of and like most people I have my share of them. I won't list because then the listing thing becomes some sort of competition doesn't it? I have lived two lifetimes worth of adventure and excitement in my 50 years, mainly because I truly believed I would be dead by 42 (the average age of death of Connelly Male people). So I didn't do a lot of planning for old age, but crammed every experience in as fast and as often as I could. The more dangerous and more exotic the better.

I think the best part of Blondie's list were the goals for things not yet done! I have none...and there is the single biggest problem with my life. I don't see anything I am capable of doing, so I don't have any goals to achieve. Sucks. I am worse than the woman in the wheelchair waiting to walk again, I have given up on everything and am just existing. That is the low, the funk, and try as hard as I can I just rarely get out of it for more than a day or two at a time...the sun doesn't shine in my part of the world when I am like that...

Hi James... do you think you could just humour us a little and give us say 10 things that you have accomplished in your life. I don't see it as a competition at all. It's a chance to remind ourselves that life has had its highlights. I promise not to compare you with me or with anyone else. I just want to see you participate in the exercise without discounting it. It's the process that is good medicine. It's not the words on a list or the accomplishments themself that have value right now... its the process of digging them out of my head that was the benefit for me.

A good wise friend once said to me... it was something she learned from a Elder.... to 'try' is to 'lie'. It is a built in excuse to fail. You use that word a lot my friend. And everytime it becomes your excuse not to make the next step.

I know you have a whole lot of major issues in your life James. You are so alone without Dr. King. I get that. At the same time I get that Dr. Long was one who kicked you in the butt every now and then to get you off your soap box and do that which you don't want to do. I'm no Dr. Long but I do care about you James and I really want you to go beyond 'trying' cuz that isn't getting you any further than imaging something better. Please let us help you while to come out of your safety zone and follow our leads now and then. What have you got to loose. You say you have nothing to contribute as far as new goals. I'd beg to differ. You like everyone of us here want to live a fuller life. Even though you can't see that happening it is still a goal. If you avoid putting it down as a goal then you are only continuing the cycle of 'trying without action'. It only serves to increase your sadness rather than helping to lift it. Sometimes all you have is the faith of others to push you to 'trying with action'.

You know how far I've come these last few months. I would never have believed it could happen. It only happened because I refused to die. I don't know how I found the determination to hope again. I know you were a vessel of a lot of it. Can you let me return some of the kindness. Can you decide to do something different than you did yesterday. You have nothing to loose. That's how I see it. Come on James.... make my day. Tell me about your achievements. I know they are many. I could probably write a pretty long list for you myself but like I said its the process that brings the blessing. Just a small blessing maybe if you're not the dancing type like our D here. She loves to dance and if anyone is an example of keeping the healing laughter working its our D.

As always James... I accept you for who you are and I know you are more than your illness. You are the man!!!

Hi D.... i loved that.... going to mental health to see if I have any..... you had me rolling in laughter. You are such a bright light in my life.

Hope your appointment went well. Eeks those birds again hey. Just clip their wings and laugh them into their cages. That might work. Could cause your laugh to turn a little bit sinister but what the hey!!! A good evil cackle can't be a bad thing now and then.

Take care... loved your list. Pretty... pretty wierd... love it!!! I guess I thought you were taller... not that you're 'short'... eeks don't shoot me.... It just that you shine such a broad beam of light with your positive spirit. Like your a towering light house some times. Did that make up for my 'short' jab. Keep on keeping on my friend. You are an inspiration. I seek to laugh more today than yesterday. That is my goal right now. Thanks for the inspiration and good start to a laughter filled day.

Love always..... Shortie (me not you!!! lol)

<font color="purple"> Chocolatelover



I shall try to list 10 things that I have 'accomplished' .

1. In 1973 left home and went on to finish High School with honors on my own.
2. In 1978 I married Rosemary....
3. Helped bring life to three wonderful boys, and raise them as best I could.
4. Passed my exam for Inter-Provincial Chef with the highest mark in our course (Trade Level 5 course in the military)
5. Served aboard several naval vessels as a cook, including destroyers.
6. Became a diesel engine re-builder, specializing in drilling equipment.
7. Graduated with Honors from a 3 year diploma course in Robotics
8. Created my own computer consulting company which at it's height had several employees and was making a very good profit.
9. I have worked on all three coasts of Canada, and in all 10 provinces and two of the territories.
10. I have lived in Europe, traveled extensively in Canada and the USA, as well as parts of the Caribbean.

Most of those 'accomplishments' happened not by plan but by happenstance. I rarely set a goal and then chase to accomplish things, I am more spontaneous. I thought about starting my own company for all of 1 day before quiting my job and starting the company.

As for future goals...the only thing I can think of right now, other than living until tomorrow, is to try and get a PDOC and or Social working on my side...

As for Dr. Long trying to boot me in the *** with any attempt at helping me, I take exception to that. He was out and out antagonistic, egocentric and mean spirited. He never once thought about my interests and diagnosis other than to make fun of me and my problems.</font>

OK now I have spent too long on this earth. This was shown on a local news show... I does for men what the WonderBra does for women.. The WonderJock. What is the world coming to?

http://video.google.com.au/videoplay...35981636008302

I figured it might get a laugh from the women...if I am out of line say so and I shall delete the post and link.

That's a great list James!

Well, let's see I have survived
+My domineering mother, even though I still play, "You'll never amount to anything" in my subconcious somewhere.
*My bestfriend trying to commit suicide
*Alcholism
*A physically abusive relationship
*drug addictions
*Being fired from an awesome job because of my illness.
*Feeling like my life was over when I was dx with BiPolar

I am now blessed with
* A wonderful husband, may not always understand but he tries
*My children
*My 2 beatiful cats
*My artistic talents
and last but definitely not least.
*Finding a place where people understand the struggles I deal with everyday!
"THANK YOU"

Dear James.... I don't know why that happened. I meant Dr KING!!! I was referring to DR KING not Dr L. You must have thought I'd fallen off my rocker!!! What was that fraudian or yungian?? Or just stupid me? I just reready my post and saw the mistake. I can't believe I did that. So sorry. I was referring to something you said to me on my blog about Dr. King kicking you in the butt now and then... eeks what a boob I am!! I was wondering why you brought Dr L up at the end of your post like that. When I went back to read my post I understood. So sorry.

I'm so impressed that you still followed through with the list even though I must have enraged you with my foo-paw... how do you spell that anyways? It was a great list by the way. As I read it I could feel this smile starting to form on my mouth... by the time I finished it was spread ear to ear. Way to go.

As for your goals... they sound just right for where you are at right now. Shows you have hope and hope is good medicine. I know for me it was as easy as walking into our small mental health centre in a state of anxiety breakdown to get a session with a counsellor right on the spot. I had followup sessions for the next 3 days and then weekly and now I go as needed. Usually at least once every couple of weeks. Had I not been in crisis when I first walked in I'd have probably had to wait no more than a day or two. I don't get why the mental health office in your area doesn't work the same way. I did have to wait a couple of months to see a pdoc but you've been waiting a lot longer than that.

It just seems that Ontario is messed up with its health care in every way. I was listening to the news last night. They were talking about the mental health needs on the Armed Forces bases. It seems the shortages of mental health support to returning service personnel and thier families is especially bad at Petawwa (sp?). Seems to be at almost crisis levels there compared to Edmonton and a base in Nova Scotia. Everything you ever hear about Ontario social services suggests its the worst in the whole country. Your situation certainly reinforces that perception.

Well my friend... thanks for you list. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. I appreciate you and your determination to survive. I have to believe it will pay off and a new pdoc is on his/her way to you.

As for me... I'm a little off today. I have to travel to the city on Monday for that job interview. Didn't sleep well last night. I didn't want to take my meds but I did. Can't afford to change my course right now with this interview coming up. Been feeling 'hung over' the last few mornings or so and its made it hard for me to work. I'm getting behind in my work again. I hate that. Deadlines are suddening creeping up to my door. I have a horrible headache today and no energy to do anything but lay around on the sofa and watch mindless tv. I hope I feel better before Monday. I so don't want to do this. What if I have an anxiety attack like the last time. She told me I'd be asked to do some kind of on the spot writing or presentation. Just the kind of trigger for anxiety that I hate.

I'm going to drive to the train about an hour away so that I don't have to fight the worst of the rush hour traffic. That should help to keep one trigger for anxiety at bay.... traffic and parking hastles. I'm going to push myself out to the garden today even though my energy is very low. It's always relaxing and good medicine for me to get my hands in the dirt. Lots of lovely early spring blooms for me to enjoy while I move my way around the garden.

I will survive this day... Monday...... I can do anything I put my mind to doing. I can overcome my fears, my doubts.... even my hesitations. I will not let myself get futher down. I will not let myself fall victim to anxiety. Positive affirmations.... Small goals.... determined steps... hoping they can calm my mixed up head.... hoping... praying... that's all I can do so that is what I must do... faith Creator will help me take the steps that I don't 'want' to take.

Eeks... I need to get out of here. I need to get moving somehow. Feels like I'm back pushing myself to make those baby steps again. I did it before I guess somehow I can do it again. That's the kicker... again and again.

Take care... I'll catch you again somewhere. Hopefully I'll be in a better place by then. Again... sorry about the name kafuffle in my last post to you.

Thanks for chimming in with your lists shadowolf... you are so right... finding a place where people understand the struggles is an absolute blessing. It's helping to keep me focused on hope today.

Take care...

Ok people...

I started Hip Hop dance lessons today!

OMG! You don't know how poor your dancing is until you actually take formal lessons! Let me tell ya! At least everyone in the class is pretty much in the same boat as me, but let me tell ya...these dances that these kids do these days only LOOK easy !!!!!

Thank goodness I'm in shape but you need great memory...which of course 'Dopamax' takes away...you need the memory to remember the steps...you need balance to do the spins so you don't 'take out' everyone within 5 yards of yourself!!! Yeah...Just call me KLUTZ!!!!!

OMG...this only drives my harder to learn it but it will be a rocky road with alot of bumps and bruises and tons of giggles!!!!

Just thought that once I learn this hip hop crud...it's going to be added to my 'major goals' list of life...cause LET ME TELL YOU ALL...it is major feat in itself to learn for these 2 feet!!!!!!! LOL

Dammit if I finish this course...I want a medal!!!!!!!!
ABT