[Helpbritt1]

10 years ive been here for her,,,therapist trips..rehab s paid for,,,esuicide attempts.,mental hospital stays ....emotional support ,,finacial support. My love..my prays...and in the end she sits telling therapists today in a family session I abused her...sad to say another way to take the blame off her self and make herself the victim...I cant do this anymore..and no matter what happens I know ive done my best..I now need to detach with love,,my heart is broken

[divine1966]

Sorry, but what does she say exactly? What type of abuse? I was abused by my dad but if you ask him he'll tell that's not true. Both i and my brother are very damaged by our parents but our parents think they are just great! Sometimes it is a perception.

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[ahdm]

I think sometimes parents don't realise they've been abusive, or hurtful.
If your daughter means emotional/verbal abuse, then I can see how you might not be able to see that. My mum thinks she's the best mum in the world, yet the only thing she's done to help me with my mh problems is shout at me for it and say 'it's just a phase, get over it, stop lying'.
Maybe just try and listen to your daughter and ask her how she thinks you've abused her.
The only other thing I can say is that even though you might think you've done well by her, your daughter might not see that; sometimes what you think is best, and what others think is best is completely different. Maybe just listen, and see what happens?
Good luck

Originally Posted by Helpbritt1

10 years ive been here for her,,,therapist trips..rehab s paid for,,,esuicide attempts.,mental hospital stays ....emotional support ,,finacial support. My love..my prays...and in the end she sits telling therapists today in a family session I abused her...sad to say another way to take the blame off her self and make herself the victim...I cant do this anymore..and no matter what happens I know ive done my best..I now need to detach with love,,my heart is broken

I can' t comment on the abuse allegations, but I can comment on you helping your daughter. Or maybe I should say My mother helping me?

My mother loves and supports me. She always has and probably always will. BUT!!!! There came a time in our lives where she had to walk away. She had to let me go. I had to grow up and be responsible for me. I needed to be an adult..

Well, now that I think about it, maybe I can comment on the abuse. For a very long time "in my eyes" I was abused by both my parents. They would not have seen it the same way I did. I actually had a therapist who convinced me the way I grew up was abusive. Today, I do not see it that way at all. My mom did the best she could with what she had. Today she is my best friend.

[avlady]

i also went through bad times with my mother. i hated her for a long time because she got me on meds, which i needed but i thought she was saying i'm crazy. now i see i needed the pills, but at the time i gave her hell.

[Helpbritt1]

I was not a perfect Mom..and said things as all parents do they regret to their child in frustation,,,but everything i did for my child was out of love,the intent was never to do anything,but to help her heal, I like her suffer from ptsd,,,mine goes back to her dad trying to stop paying child support so he talked her into accusing me at age 13 of abuse i had to have difus in my home to invistigate. All came out well. In the end i wanted her happy and let her move with dad. A huge mistake ...she became depressed so much she entered a psych hospital. Her dad wouldnt take her back it was a nightmare. she and i have never recovered from that time in our lives...when in dought blame me,,,but i cant hear this accusation again. Especially since all she has said the past ten years she is so sorry she lied about the abuse to appease her dad.i need a time without her right now,.i love her pray for her but cant be part of this madness yet again..so for now ive deatched with love

[avlady]

i hope you can be happy with your daughter again, she will realise someday what you've done for her. it may take years but as she gets older she will most likely change her tune. i know that from my experience with my mother. i hated her for so long until i had a son. hopefully she will see the light and act better as she ages.

Originally Posted by Helpbritt1

10 years ive been here for her,,,therapist trips..rehab s paid for,,,esuicide attempts.,mental hospital stays ....emotional support ,,finacial support. My love..my prays...and in the end she sits telling therapists today in a family session I abused her...sad to say another way to take the blame off her self and make herself the victim...I cant do this anymore..and no matter what happens I know ive done my best..I now need to detach with love,,my heart is broken

Well ... Did You?

Of course, only you know the "real" answer to that, but with the classic "After All I've Done For You" line you tossed out up there, it certainly makes me wonder ... And if you did, then she IS a "victim" and y'all (both parents) need to quit doing things that help keep her in that role!

Y'all chose to have the child, not the other way around, and it sounds as if she's had to accept the blame for her parent's failed relationship (while they used her as a pawn to keep hurting each other) when the fact is the parents should have shielded and protected her as much as possible from the wounds caused from it all in the first place.

So, perhaps letting go with this love you speak of is best as it will give you both distance and time to reflect on who exactly is to blame for what so everyone can come to terms with it and heal and move on as best as they can.

Whether or not the relationship is permanently broken remains to be seen, but I can tell you this ... As long as you keep spitting out those little darts of guilt and shame at her, no progress will be made because a wound that keeps getting ripped open won't ever heal.

As far as all the time, money and energy y'all've expended trying to help her get well ...

REALITY CHECK FORTHCOMING!

It's YOUR job (as parents) to take care of her, not HER job (as your child) to take care of y'all ...

Therefore, it would also help if you'd quit throwing all that up in her face as well.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[peaceseeker63]

From what you have written, it sounds like your daughter was used as a pawn in your breakup, and IMHO, that is abuse. I am not blaming you for that, but you also can't blame a 13 year old child who is stuck between her parent's. I can't comment on the rest of your post but it sounds like your daughter is troubled and needs support right now.

[ShantheArtist23]

My mom has done everything for me. She's made sure we have anything we'd need and more. But my dad left when I was just entering 6th grade, and she turned into a mess. Before in elementary school there were times I remember her hitting me and stuff, but after my dad left it got ten times worse. We would get into fights and she'd hit me and stuff, then call my teachers at school and make sure they knew I was "naughty" and that's why I was always unhappy. I'm pretty damaged from it all on the inside, but I try my best to remain strong. I think that parents don't know sometimes that they're being hurtful or abusive (I'm in no means telling you that you're abusive, at all. None.). That's just my opinion on the matter.

[divine1966]

I really dislike when people say to or about their children "all I've done for you". Well isn't our decision to have children and isn't what parents do? Do stuff for their kids? Why guilting them?

I don't know if you abused her or not and why she feels what she feels but if you ask my dad he is the most wonderful human being, great father grandfather and husband and we are all just too sensitive. Ha. He is awful abusive father and husband and none existing grandfather.

I am not saying you are a bad mother but maybe she doesn't see it the same way you do . Maybe you could listen what she had to say


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[lizardlady]

I'm going to take a bit of a different approach than everyone else. The OP said this is her adult daughter. I have no idea if the OP was abusive or not. She says the daughter lied about abuse at one point. Maybe she's lying now, maybe she's not. For me the bottom line is that the daughter is now an adult. Time to take responsibility for herself. The OP says she has paid for treatment for the daughter. Is she expected to continue to pay for treatment for the rest of the daughter's life?

My father was abusive. My mother did not protect me. I was left with a major mess to clean up as an adult. I was one screwed up mess. But I didn't expect them to fund my treatment. Was I mad about the mess I was left to clean up? Heck yes! I was PO'd beyond words. There are still times I get angry about it. BUT it's my responsibility to take care of myself.

[ECHOES]

I think your daughter is saying what you said, but in her own way. She is also saying you weren't perfect (who is?) and she's working with her therapist to deal with how her childhood was for her and what she felt, missed, wished for, resented, what she wishes fir now, what she fears, where she wants her life to go, etc. That's just what therapy is for, Mom, so she's doing fine.

Do you also have a therapist to help you with your PTSD and resentments, wishes, feelings, regrets, fears!

[Pikku Myy]

I am so sorry you are hurting All I can offer is a hug.

[doyoutrustme]

If someone says they were abused, they were. Just because you pay for her treatment, doesn't mean there isn't a history of abuse. Own up to it or you'll never move past it.

[Helpbritt1]

Thank you all for your point of views. Some I agree with some I dont. But if I 13 yearold over and over again tells u to F off..tells u her Dad told her u should die,,and she agrees eventually that face got a slap...right or wrong ..call it abuse if u like .I own that. I also no that I was slapped...many teens get a slap. . But most do not spend their lives blameing their parents slap as a reason to use drugs and alcohol..or ..abanden their child ,cheat on the husband,not payntheir bills,flunk out of college or to not hold a job. It becomes a choice to either take responsibility of her own life and future or not,,inspite of her past.... I know for sure I could have done better..I did what I could with the circumstances I had..Judge me if u wish,,,but it is time in my book for our adult children to stop getting a pass because they had confused parents doing the best they knew how....yes possibly poor parenting happened .In spite of that they should take back the control of their lives and take responsibility for their futures.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

If someone says they were abused, they were.

Not necessarily. I had a psychotherapist tell me I was sexually abused but it never ever happened. She concluded this because I had no interest in sexual relationships and didn't like being touched. This was very confusing and made me doubt my family and upbringing. Apologizing to my parents hasn't relieved my remorse. I regret believing that psychotherapist. She messed me up. This experience was traumatic. At the time I was 16 and having social difficulties due to undiagnosed ASD.

Parents can harm their children without abusing them. Good intentions or ones without deliberate harm can leave scars. I'm proof. My mother tried to get me to socialize with other children and failed to deal with the severe bullying I was subjected to on a daily basis until it became a crisis. My father actually dealt with it. I internalized all this and blamed myself for it because I had no idea why I had so much social difficulties. Eventually I started to believe mother disliked me and wanted me to suffer. If we knew about my ASD back then things would have been different.

My parents didn't mistreat me. They just didn't understand the extent of my social difficulties. I cannot accuse them of abuse because that isn't what it was. They weren't deliberately trying to hurt and break me.

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

If someone says they were abused, they were. Just because you pay for her treatment, doesn't mean there isn't a history of abuse. Own up to it or you'll never move past it.

Not necessarily.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by Helpbritt1

Thank you all for your point of views. Some I agree with some I dont. But if I 13 yearold over and over again tells u to F off..tells u her Dad told her u should die,,and she agrees eventually that face got a slap...right or wrong ..call it abuse if u like .I own that. I also no that I was slapped...many teens get a slap. . But most do not spend their lives blameing their parents slap as a reason to use drugs and alcohol..or ..abanden their child ,cheat on the husband,not payntheir bills,flunk out of college or to not hold a job. It becomes a choice to either take responsibility of her own life and future or not,,inspite of her past.... I know for sure I could have done better..I did what I could with the circumstances I had..Judge me if u wish,,,but it is time in my book for our adult children to stop getting a pass because they had confused parents doing the best they knew how....yes possibly poor parenting happened .In spite of that they should take back the control of their lives and take responsibility for their futures.

Your statements regarding your own behavior are in a strangely distant, passive construction. "Eventually that face got a slap" rather than "I slapped her." "Yes possibly poor parenting happened" rather than "possibly I was sometimes a poor parent" or some similar construction. You are asking her to take responsibility for herself, etc, but it doesn't sound like you are fully confronting or admitting your wrongs as a parent. I wonder if you are speaking to her in the same way, and whether she feels frustrated by that.

[TickingTimeBomb]

Have you ever said you were sorry for the way things were when she was a kid, or just always been on the defense? If you want forgiveness, you need to be willing to apologize ask her to forgive you too.

[jaynedough]

What did the therapist say when the accusation was made?

Originally Posted by Helpbritt1

Thank you all for your point of views. Some I agree with some I dont. But if I 13 yearold over and over again tells u to F off..tells u her Dad told her u should die,,and she agrees eventually that face got a slap...right or wrong ..call it abuse if u like .I own that. I also no that I was slapped...many teens get a slap. . But most do not spend their lives blameing their parents slap as a reason to use drugs and alcohol..or ..abanden their child ,cheat on the husband,not payntheir bills,flunk out of college or to not hold a job. It becomes a choice to either take responsibility of her own life and future or not,,inspite of her past.... I know for sure I could have done better..I did what I could with the circumstances I had..Judge me if u wish,,,but it is time in my book for our adult children to stop getting a pass because they had confused parents doing the best they knew how....yes possibly poor parenting happened .In spite of that they should take back the control of their lives and take responsibility for their futures.

How sad that her dad used his child to get to you ... It is equally sad that you responded to your child by physically abusing her ... The poor thing never stood a chance in the war being played out by the adults in her life!

Now she's grown into an unstable adult who most likely isn't very lovable or likable and dear old mom and dad want to be shed of the mess they've made.

Sorry, but I ain't giving out free passes to any adult who was given the gift of an innocent child, then warped that child in such a way that the adult they've become has got to clean up the mess their parents made of their life before they can even get to the point of cleaning up the mess they've made of their own life as a result thereof.

While it is true that the parents aren't responsible (financially or otherwise) for "fixing" the mess their adult children have become, neither can they deny their responsibility for creating that mess!

Again, letting go with love is best for all involved so each can start working on what is and isn't their fault, who is and isn't to blame, getting it all sorted out, and hopefully healing as best as possible and moving forward with their lives.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by TickingTimeBomb

Have you ever said you were sorry for the way things were when she was a kid, or just always been on the defense? If you want forgiveness, you need to be willing to apologize ask her to forgive you too.

My mother said she was sorry, and it meant nothing. It was just yet another method to try to suck me back in to her sick world.

I don't hate my mother, and I forgave her long ago, but that doesn't mean I have to let her keep treating me badly.

Also, children don't lie about abuse as a rule. If there is any doubt, a trained specialist can spend 5 minutes with a child and tell you if they are telling the truth - even after they become adults.

As a court appointed special advocate for foster children, I can tell you, every adult involved in the case have their own agenda, always leaving the children in a quandry and often being forced to live in a hellish environment. CASA's are the only voice these children have. Sadly, not all cases end in what's best for the child, but what's wanted by the person with the best attorney.

[marmaduke]

'All I've done for you!!
I heard that so many times from my father, and ya know what? He done f### all for me.
That type of guilt tripping statement is a big Red Flag for me.

[RedEagle]

Would any parent who systematically abused their child for years and years own up to it and actually admit they did it years later? Probably not.

A lot of parents who abuse their children were probably also abused when they were kids and they just don't know any better.