[Open Eyes]

Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses | The Exhausted Woman

I saw this article and this has been something that has worn me down in my life. I work with my therapist that has told me I have had more than my fill of these individuals.

[Open Eyes]

Rage – This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing (remember the wire hanger scene from the movie “Mommie Dearest”). It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.

This is something my husband has done with me, I never know how he is going to be when he comes home either. Unfortunately, now that I suffer from PTSD "I" can have this kind of anger, however, it comes from a genuine "trigger" from being a victim.

Gaslighting – Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.
Oh this is something my husband AND my older sister did and sometimes still do. I have also met other individuals like this in the horse world too, there are lot of these kind of individuals drawn to that world that are like this, very controlling and manipulative. My sister has really done this really well and gained a lot of control with my elderly parents. With the PTSD, I just can't fight this and work with my T to find ways to manage how the PTSD gets so triggered by this challenge.

The Stare – This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it. It is designed to scare a victim into submission, and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.

This is what my older sister does, and when I read this it brought up some flashbacks, especially when she sat across from me in the psych ward, that cold stare that cut right through me as I was sitting there with PTS chills, not even understanding "why" I was having the chills/shakes, or what post traumatic stress was.

Silent Treatment – Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they lets their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.

Yes, this is what my sister did, actually goes way back, she is four years older, always had to be the boss or I would, and still do get this silent treatment or "shunned" my husband did this too, especially when he was an active binge alcoholic

Projection – They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.
Again, this is what my older sister did and does and my husband as well. Sadly, this is what my neighbors also do, try to blame me for "their" negligence. What triggers me is Lawyers will question in this way to try to twist and confuse to gain whatever they can in "their" favor.

Twisting – When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.

Oh boy, this is one that my husband did and even still does at times, my older sister did this a lot too. The PTSD does get severely triggered when this happens with me now. My husband did this a lot when he was an active binge alcoholic.

Manipulation – A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with “No.” This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.

This was not a threat, it was just done for real.

Victim Card – When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

This was practiced by both my husband and older sister. I just did not have a chance, I truely was outnumbered. I have had others do this with me too, it was always a cover up when they wanted something I had and failed to manipulate me to get it.
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The cruelest part in all of this is once something really bad takes place and the person developes PTSD, now it really gets to be "all her fault". Oh yes, look at her, yeah she is nuts, told ya.

One of the hardest things for me is how in my lawsuit I have been consistently told "not" to talk about how I "do" suffer from PTSD, because it will be used against me. Well, a person doesn't develope PTSD unless they actually "do" witness something "bad" take place.

I did not know "where" to post this, only that I needed to post this. What I do know is when someone really does break, these people are not sympathetic or supportive. They do not have the true capacity to listen and actually have "empathy".

[RedEagle]

Great article, my narcissistic abusive parent literally did all 8 of those pretty frequently. "The stare" is meant to intimidate, I bet it's the same kind of thing going on psychologically in a staredown before MMA fights and all that.

You won't find compassion, empathy, love, kindness or any of the nicer human behaviors coming from a Narcissist.

[-jimi-]

Not a nice thing to go through. But I have seen very similar patterns in relationships where the abuser was not a narcissist, but had an untreated mood disorder, had more stress than they could handle or lived in a marriage where divorce was not possible. Some people can get very vile if they are sick/stressed and feel like they are trapped in a relationship. I have actually seen people who have become healthy after being forced out of the relationship, had to grow and take care of themselves. Some people who seem like the dominant part in a relationship sometimes have severe issues with taking care of themselves.

I know narcissism is real, but also everything looking like narcissism is not.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks OE for posting this...

[RedEagle]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

Not a nice thing to go through. But I have seen very similar patterns in relationships where the abuser was not a narcissist, but had an untreated mood disorder, had more stress than they could handle or lived in a marriage where divorce was not possible. Some people can get very vile if they are sick/stressed and feel like they are trapped in a relationship. I have actually seen people who have become healthy after being forced out of the relationship, had to grow and take care of themselves. Some people who seem like the dominant part in a relationship sometimes have severe issues with taking care of themselves.

I know narcissism is real, but also everything looking like narcissism is not.

Borderlines also do these behaviors but Narcissistic and Borderline PD's go together very well and often people are NPD/BPD combos.

The odd thing is that my Narcissistic parent didn't even know she was a Narcissist or that she was doing any of these behaviors. She had all-encompassing unmet emotional needs and desired to get them met and these are the behaviors that came out of her mind. If you think of the mind as an instrument certain types of minds take a thought like, "I need to feel in control" and they produce these types of behaviors which inflict such damage on people close to them. The person doesn't know they're being manipulative, intimidating, aggressive or any of it, they just know they're trying to feel in control or feel better about themselves, the subconscious does the rest. The real villain is bad parenting and unmet emotional needs.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

Not a nice thing to go through. But I have seen very similar patterns in relationships where the abuser was not a narcissist, but had an untreated mood disorder, had more stress than they could handle or lived in a marriage where divorce was not possible. Some people can get very vile if they are sick/stressed and feel like they are trapped in a relationship. I have actually seen people who have become healthy after being forced out of the relationship, had to grow and take care of themselves. Some people who seem like the dominant part in a relationship sometimes have severe issues with taking care of themselves.

I know narcissism is real, but also everything looking like narcissism is not.

This is a good point because when someone struggles with PTSD they can express "some" of these behaviors, however, this is a "trauma" victim and "not" someone that is a narcissist. The PTSD sufferer could be traumatized, yet tangled in with others that have hurt them that "were/are" narcissists too or had expressed narcissistic behaviors toward the PTSD sufferer. I have done the rage that may "seem" to come out of no where, it is not out of no where, I am severely triggered. Often gaslighting is taking place or I am triggered to remembering gaslighting. Or I am accused of playing the victim when the reality is "I have been the victim".

I put this list up so I could write in how these kinds of behaviors have been done to me, and for me it's important because I don't like to "just" label another individual with NPD or who may be high on the narcissistic spectrum but perhaps not fully NPD.

Also, some behaviors may be due to a different challenge that "yes" does appear like it is narcissism. It could be someone struggling with Bipolar, or major depressive disorder, or even learning disabilities that challenge their self esteem or being able to hold their temper at times.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by RedEagle

Borderlines also do these behaviors but Narcissistic and Borderline PD's go together very well and often people are NPD/BPD combos.

The odd thing is that my Narcissistic parent didn't even know she was a Narcissist or that she was doing any of these behaviors. She had all-encompassing unmet emotional needs and desired to get them met and these are the behaviors that came out of her mind. If you think of the mind as an instrument certain types of minds take a thought like, "I need to feel in control" and they produce these types of behaviors which inflict such damage on people close to them. The person doesn't know they're being manipulative, intimidating, aggressive or any of it, they just know they're trying to feel in control or feel better about themselves, the subconscious does the rest. The real villain is bad parenting and unmet emotional needs.

Yes, this is what I feel about my older sister. She is manipulative, intimidating, and even gaslights because she needs to feel "in control" to feel better about herself. A person is "horrible" to her if she doesn't get/have the control somehow. Her constant reaction is "that was in that past" so forget about it that way she avoids answering or being responsible for her bad behaviors in the past.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by RedEagle

Great article, my narcissistic abusive parent literally did all 8 of those pretty frequently. "The stare" is meant to intimidate, I bet it's the same kind of thing going on psychologically in a staredown before MMA fights and all that.

You won't find compassion, empathy, love, kindness or any of the nicer human behaviors coming from a Narcissist.

Some of them "can" show kindness and "some" empathy. I read that recently, can't remember the article or if I might have posted it. I have to give it some thought as to where I might have saved that or posted it. However, it's usually more of a battle of the wits. I am smarter than you so you need to step back and give me the "control".

[Open Eyes]

Here is another good article I have read, and I know I have suffered from this myself, sadly. I am working on it, its hard because at the same time I do feel sorry for the way this NPD or someone high on the spectrum develops in someone too. What comes to mind is "hurt people hurt people".

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: What The Heck Is That?

[Open Eyes]

"Borderlines also do these behaviors but Narcissistic and Borderline PD's go together very well and often people are NPD/BPD combos. " quote RedEagle

Yes, I can see this happening because of how someone with BPD is already conditioned to be treated the way individuals with NPD treat others as that is what they grew up with, it is "their" normal. I am understanding you to mean this as people with NPD and BPD become couples that become parents and end up bringing up children that themselves become challenged as well, which probably just repeats the dysfunctional cycle to take place. Oh how sad that is to think about.

[BLUEDOVE]

I don't care what anyone says,this is the vilest,sickest
insane disease in the WORLD! It robbed me of 5,
yes 5 children,who may as well be dead,as they
'killed off ' who they really were in order to please
'mommy dearest'.

[RedEagle]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

"Borderlines also do these behaviors but Narcissistic and Borderline PD's go together very well and often people are NPD/BPD combos. " quote RedEagle

Yes, I can see this happening because of how someone with BPD is already conditioned to be treated the way individuals with NPD treat others as that is what they grew up with, it is "their" normal. I am understanding you to mean this as people with NPD and BPD become couples that become parents and end up bringing up children that themselves become challenged as well, which probably just repeats the dysfunctional cycle to take place. Oh how sad that is to think about.

Oh, I was trying to say that people can be NPD/BPD combos as in they have both personality disorders.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I see, hmm, I suppose that could be the case I honestly don't know. They both can develop from childhood neglect, abuse, and abandonment.

It's actually very sad.

What really challenges me with both my sister and my husband that have expressed several of these traits and I don't really want to diagnose or label them is I don't really think they realize the are wrong to behave in these ways.

I like the way you put it RedEagle in that they developed these unhealthy ways out of their need for control and they don't really realize how unhealthy it is.

When I developed PTSD it was really bad for me, I really got so I felt it was just going to
be so horrible for me that I would do better to check out. The picture of the girl with the covered mouth, that is how I feel. They literally have said, "I dont want to hear it don't talk about it "just get over it" etc", with that cold stare too.

Well, I just saw the article and was compelled to post it with how it has happened to me. It's a brave move on my part tbh. Just wanted to see if others could relate.

[looking4trth]

OMG! This could have been written about me and my ex-husband; later to include my daughter. Gave me goose-bumps. When it's happening you try so hard to figure it out, usually on your own, but can never quite put your finger on it. I was in therapy the last few years of my marriage and my narcissistic husband hated my therapist, even tho he never met her, and hated that I even went. Was convinced we were discussing HIM. LOL Yeah, I can laugh now, but, at the time I was traumatized and looking back it scares me to see what people can do to each other.

My family was more on the just "nuts" side. They tried to take, or ruin, everything I tried to accomplish, e.g., my mother spent who knows how long trying to find out where I was going to college, "she wants to send you some flowers to show you how proud she is." I wasn't so far gone that I didn't recognize what that was really all about. Somehow, she found out and sent the Dean a letter trying to get me expelled. The Dean called me out of class to tell me about it and let me read the letter she had written to him; asking him how he could allow a person like me to go to his college. Humiliating, to say the least.

That was all child's-play compared to what I'm dealing with now. Haven't figured out where to put it yet, so will sit on it for now. It's one of those things I recognize the behavior but just can't exactly identify it. For some reason, if I can identify it I can understand it better and decide on a course of action (yup, OCD)

Thank you for posting this article; it was very helpful. Funny, even though I'm not there any more, seeing it in print reinforced my reality about it.

L4T